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I will talk to BH about coming here. He is a private person but I should give him the choice and not speak for him.
Is it sad and pathetic that I am nervous about letting him here because then I will have to be even more transparent? My first reaction was that I will have to lie here if I screw up and am afraid to have him find out.
But having just admitted that makes me see that I can be truthful. And it feels good. Good girl!! It will be a huge help to your marriage if he is here reading your posts. We can also help him do the right things in his recovery.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Can you get by on your BH's salary?
How long do you think it would take to find an equivalent/good job?
Was the OM in a position of authority?
If so if this affair was exposed at work by your BH there would be a good chance the OM would get fired. Even if he doesn't I think it would be good for your BH to expose at work either way.
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Athena99,
Actually, you are doing much better already than some people in these forums who are not in affair but considering it...
Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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The OM is not in a position of authority, but exposing at work would be very limiting to both of our careers. It is a small world in our field and I am sure that once I quit it will all be ok.
No, I don't think we could get by on BH's salary alone.
OM's W wants nothing to do with BH and I (understandably) so I don't see her and BH comparing notes. But should we tell her about the broken NC? I feel it is none of our business and I should let OM make his own choices.
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OM's W wants nothing to do with BH and I (understandably) so I don't see her and BH comparing notes. But should we tell her about the broken NC? I feel it is none of our business and I should let OM make his own choices. Well it is your business. You are having an affair with her husband. You owe her the truth as much as her husband. Your husband should be the one to tell her, though. I would ask him to call her up and tell her. If he won't do that, then you should send her an email telling her the truth. The loserOM probably won't tell her so the oblgation falls to you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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As I was reading the last 2 pages of posts, I kept thinking, "OM'S W NEEDS TO KNOW." I am glad that that was brought up. OMW NEEDS to know. Your BH should tell her.
Athena, another thought came to my mind, how did you find out about MB?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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OMW must be told that OM broke NC.
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I will talk to BH about coming here. He is a private person but I should give him the choice and not speak for him.
Is it sad and pathetic that I am nervous about letting him here because then I will have to be even more transparent? My first reaction was that I will have to lie here if I screw up and am afraid to have him find out.
But having just admitted that makes me see that I can be truthful. And it feels good. He will have his own thread, and you will have yours. We always recommend that spouses stay off the other's thread. If they don't stay off we usually pick up on that in something they say on their own thread and we give them a firm, yet gentle  . It's Honor System, of course, but most spouses do honor that because they realize that it's in their best interest to stay off the other one's thread. And you know what, Athena? I think most married people consider themselves 'private' people when it comes to their M. That's the beauty of this site: it's anonymous. It's not people you know.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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You guys can be so harsh - but I really needed to hear that. Thank you.
Last night I opened up to BH and told him about the broken NC. He was disappointed and sad, but glad I told him. I went against what my heart was screaming not to do and told him of all the ways I had continued to lie. Now he knows he needs to monitor my email and phone. I am embarassed to admit that I need him to keep me accountable, but I know how weak I can be and it would actually be easier to resist OM knowing that I have to face BH and not just avoid him. I asked him to make sure he asks questions and I answer them - not to let me off. I will try to be transparent, but I know how easy it is for me to keep things to myself. athena, good for you! I know how hard it must have been for an addict to admit she needs help - comfort yourself in knowing that you have this wonderful, committed man to help you with this!
We are working on a plan together to send a NC letter to OM and make the changes necessary to ensure it sticks this time. We even talked about me changing careers and the sacrifices involved. It might be nice to downsize a bit - so long as the reason is that we get a healthy marriage out of it. You can send NC letters until the Hot Place freezes over, and it won't mean a thing until you leave that job. You understand that, right?
What are my next steps? We've got the "Surviving an Affair" and "Love Busters" books. Should we start trying the techniques in there or would it be best to start with counselling from MB? BH and I agreed that maybe we should try MC again and perhaps I should stay away from individual counselling for now. Don't waste your money on a local MC. They're worthless when it comes to savings marriages damaged by adultery. You need to get an appt with the Harleys. Post haste. It's the best money you will ever spend. You want to look at your H as the guy on the white horse? The One you'd gladly spend a lifetime with? Here's your chance.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Ok - BH is seriously considering posting here. I am proud of that  Now, another tricky question ... telling OMW. I know this will sound naive and un-MB-like, but I kinda promised him I wouldn't tell his W we had been talking. He gave me the impression that if she found out he broke NC, that she would kick him to the curb. Neither I nor BH want that as it sets the stage for more temptation if OM is suddenly free and available. Do we send the NC letter to OM and "threaten" to tell OMW if he doesn't do it first? OMW was the one who discovered the affair and gave me the ultimatum to tell BH, which I did. It would be so strange to have it come right back around like that. Should the NC letter come from me or BH? Do we send it so that only OM sees it (we can send it to an email OMW hasn't accessed yet)? Or should we send it to both of them at the same time. I know they both need to know, but I would like to give him the chance to save some face in his own marriage and not be blindsided by us sending something to OMW. I want to do the proper thing, but I also don't want to do something that hurts them more than necessary.
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DO NOT THREATEN TO TELL. JUST TELL!
It is not your business what his W does with the information. If he has cheated with you he has likely cheated with others. You are enabling her to unknowingly risk her life.
What if his dalliances caused him to get herpes? Would you want to be the loving, faithful wife that gets that because someone refused to tell her that he was cheating?
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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As far as how I found out about MB. Well 2 ways really.
One, I was doing a lot of internet searches during my PA to figure out what to do. I ran across the site and did a bit of reading. It scared me. But didn't scare me straight.
Second, when OM sent the NC letter to me after D-Day, he listed some of the links to here. He and OMW have been looking at this site. They have been reading the books too.
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As far as how I found out about MB. Well 2 ways really.
One, I was doing a lot of internet searches during my PA to figure out what to do. I ran across the site and did a bit of reading. It scared me. But didn't scare me straight.
Second, when OM sent the NC letter to me after D-Day, he listed some of the links to here. He and OMW have been looking at this site. They have been reading the books too. I would say, that despite the horrendous act that you participated in when it came to their marriage, that leading you here was a gracious act. Don't waste that. One of the first things you will come to understand, is that in the lens of your marriage, the A is the responsibility of you and you alone. For the OM, the responsibility to protect his M, and respect his BW was his and his alone.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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OMW was the one who discovered the affair and gave me the ultimatum to tell BH, which I did So that's why you don't want to tell. You want to "protect" your precious OM from his vindictive, mean wife... 
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Ok - BH is seriously considering posting here. I am proud of that Now, another tricky question ... telling OMW. I know this will sound naive and un-MB-like, but I kinda promised him I wouldn't tell his W we had been talking. He gave me the impression that if she found out he broke NC, that she would kick him to the curb. Neither I nor BH want that as it sets the stage for more temptation if OM is suddenly free and available. There is no trick here at all. The only thing worse than making a bad promise is KEEPING a bad promise. It was WRONG of you to make a promise to deceive your victims and it is even more wrong for you to keep a promise to help him deceive her. You owe that woman the truth. And it is ridiculous to say that it will create MORE of a temptation when you are having an affair with the man. That makes no sense. If the OMW knows she can STOP him. And since he is not going to leave her for you, it is doubtful they will separate. He gave me the impression that if she found out he broke NC, that she would kick him to the curb. If you know she would kick him out if she knew, then you are helping him be even more cruel and manipulative. She has a RIGHT to kick him out if she wants to. You and that scumbag OM have no right to deprive her of that option by withholding the truth from her. You think that as*hat is justified to TRICK her into staying with him by lying to her? That is very cruel and manipulative. Don't be a party to that! Don't sell out your own integrity by being a party to that sick, cruel little plan. Your H needs to pick up the phone and call the woman TODAY. There is absolutely no excuse not to unless you want to keep that door open. The more people who know the harder it will be for you to resume your affair. Seriously. There is no excuse not to call her TODAY and tell her. The fact that she doesn't know is dangerous to your own marriage. IT leaves the door wide open. If she knows, she can help shut the door from that end.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Should the NC letter come from me or BH? Do we send it so that only OM sees it (we can send it to an email OMW hasn't accessed yet)? Or should we send it to both of them at the same time. I know they both need to know, but I would like to give him the chance to save some face in his own marriage and not be blindsided by us sending something to OMW. The first thing to do is stop protecting the OM at his wife's expense. The OMW and her children are the victims here, not the OM. The OM needs to be exposed TODAY to his wife. Asking a liar to tell the truth to his victim is not realistic and does nothing to help his wife. Instead of playing games, it is much simpler to have your H pick up the phone or drive over there and inform his W that the affair has never stopped. The OM does not "deserve" any chances. His victim deserves a chance to defend herself from his cruel, sick, abusive behavior. Not telling her or playing games by trying to force a liar to tell her the truth only complicates something that is really very simple. So, the first order of business has to be to expose the affair directly to the OMW. After that is done and after you actually end contact, THEN you send a no contact letter that is written by you, approved by your H and mailed together. IT should be addressed to the both the OM and his wife.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[quote]So that's why you don't want to tell. You want to "protect" your precious OM from his vindictive, mean wife... The OMW is not a vindictive, mean person. I know I have screwed up her life in unimaginable ways. Whe sent me the note after D-Day to let me tell BH myself or she would do it for me. I am glad she gave me that chance. I was able to tell him in the way that was easiest for both of us instead of having it hit him out of nowhere. I guess I feel I owe her the chance to see her H show her the same courtesy. I want to believe OM would do the right thing and tell her, but I am actually starting to wonder if he will.
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He is a piece of SCUM who slept with a married woman. He has no morals WHAT-SO-EVER. He is what you scrape off your shoe in disgust.
He is not Saint Prince Charming!
Why would he "do the right thing"? You aren't telling his W. You're doing him such a great favor by shutting your mouth.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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i am new here as well. i am responding to your post because i am able to identify with what you are going through.
i recieved some advice on here that is really helping me stay on track and i want to share it with you.
watch the movie Fireproof and get the Love Dare book.
i wish you luck.
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I guess I feel I owe her the chance to see her H show her the same courtesy. I want to believe OM would do the right thing and tell her, but I am actually starting to wonder if he will. You mean you feel you owe your OM a chance, not her. Going to the OM first is not doing HER any favors, it is doing you and your lover a favor. There is nothing "courteous" about helping the OM lie and trick her. And you know that is his goal. He already told you that. Your plan gives him a chance to lie and spin the story, which leaves the door open for YOU to continue your affair when you want to go back. Why would you stab her in the back like that after what she did for you? The best thing for the OMW is not to give her creepy H a heads up, but to give HER a heads up about what he is doing behind her back.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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