p.s. I have to say I am as puzzled as Sugarcane about the focus on honesty's "motivation." Would we be saying that if the BF was white and the XH's family objected? I doubt that. The problem is the family's racist views and those views should not be accommodated. To do so, teaches those kids to be little ignoramuses.

I don't see any focus on this. One poster asked about it in one post, hardly a focus or a pattern. No need to blow it out of proportion. If you read the previous posts, every single person on this thread has told honestyy to continue dating this man if she wants to, and ignore the out-laws.

AGG

Honestyy stated in her first post here:


I understood honestyy to be asking how much weight she should give the backlash that she is feeling in deciding how to continue her relationship with the BF. That's what I meant by "decision making". Perhaps I misunderstood the question, and honestyy can clarify for us.

AGG

AGG, she describes the issue she is trying to weight quite clearly:

Th issue is her ex's family's "concern with someone of a different race being around my/our kids". She asks what, if anything, she should do in this situation - i.e. the situation where the ex's family have raised their concern with her boyfriend being around her children.

She has said NOTHING about "deciding how to continue her relationship with the BF". Where do you see her raising this?

Right. And one of the options for what to do in this situation is the option of not continuing the relationship, isn't it?

I am not saying that this is the option she should choose, in fact every single poster suggested that she continue the relationship if she can deal with the backlash. But it is an option that one might consider, so there nothing wrong with it being discussed, IMO.

AGG

WHY is it?

Is it standard advice for people to tell others on this forum that where there are problems with ex in-laws, the OP should consider not continuing dating the new partner?

I don't think I ever tried to answer for Captain.

AGG

Nobody told her to not consider dating the BF. You left out the rest of my statement in your quote, so let me remind you:



AGG

Okay - WOW...I didn't expect my response to cause an uproar. I didn't get online last night as I was out with my kids doing fun Christmas stuff. I tried to be as delicate as possible and not be offensive when I asked that because I know it is a delicate issue. I was NOT implying that the OP was doing this strictly to piss off her ex's family. I was simply asking if she had put any thought into that. I have no reason to believe she is or isn't...that's not my call. But I DO know that people (women and men) can be very scandelous and sometimes (even subconsciously) do things that they know will absolutely push the buttons of their ex-spouse. It is VERY common and if you all are honest with yourselves I think you can prob think of things you have done for this very reason. I'm certainly guilty of it too (as is my ex-wife), but I try to watch for it and not fall into that.

And as for the accusation that interacial dating offends me...NO. NOT at all. In fact my GF right now is a dif't race and religion than I am. I didn't see the need to mention that before. NO I am not dating my gf now to keep pissing off my ex-wife or her family. Her family didn't need another reason to hate me. They've hated me even before we were married, but that's a whole other topic.

Hope this helps.

I think you would have a point if a) the behavior in question truly was scandalous - it is not and b) she had any reason to care about the approval of her in-laws when it came to her dating partners - she does not. If such a thing did push the buttons of her XH then that clearly is because he is racist and no other reason.

AGG: I'll ask again:

Is it standard advice for people to tell others on this forum that where there are problems with ex in-laws, the OP should consider not continuing dating the new partner?

Captain,

Why did you ask if she had put any thought into that?

Do you normally ask people on this forum whether they are dating someone to piss off their ex in-laws?

No - I don't think this topic has ever come up in this way, so I wouldn't have had an opportunity to ask this question before. If it ever comes up again...I prob will ask the same question. I never suggested she stop dating this man. That would be poor advice as I don't know the full story, and it's none of my business who she dates.

I don't understand the confusion? What I asked was appropriate and quite relevent to the discussion and the OP's dilemma. It seems your seeking some sort of deeper inner meaning from me for my question as if I have some problem with this person dating outside their race, but I'm sorry I can't give you that satisfaction.

I think maybe you are offended because YOU didn't like my question and expected others to back you up 100% when you called me out on it. But now that you're not getting that support you plan on fighting about it until this topic is completely ruined and all about what YOU want to be asked or not to be asked.

I'm more confused why you are SOOOOO offended by my question. I don't get it. But that really isn't the point at all of this discussion. I'd rather stay on topic and asking if the OP has thought about her own motivation for dating this man is a fair question. It doesn't justify ANYTHING racist coming from the ex's family. I condemn that completely and I think I've made that clear, but sometimes there is more to the story.

I hope that honestyy won't mind the continuing discussion in her absence. I am wondering whether I should take my further comments off this thread. I am going to post this here for now, but if others here think that it is a t/j, I'll start a new thread. I'm, continuing here for now because I think my questions are about her situation.

I have read this forum on and off over the 3 years or so since I first browsed MB, and I went back through several pages today.

There do not seem to be many cases where a thread has been started because of problems with the ex in-laws. There are some cases where the ex married the other person with whom they had the affair, and now the MB poster has put up with the children having this OP as a step-parent. That is not the same issue as having problems with the ex's family, but there is a similarity over been forced to let the children stay at the house (or visit) someone whose values are abhorrent.

I found one case where the ex-wife was pregnant because of an affair, and the MB poster wanted to know whether to tell his child about his mother's adultery (in her new marriage). Again, the similarity is over being forced to let the child spend time with someone whose values are offensive, and also whether the MB parent should attempt to talk to the child about those values.

I found one case where the MB poster was remarried, and her ex disagreed with her new husband being allowed input into discipline issues with the son. This case is less similar, but it concerns sharing the child with an ex who might not enforce your values.

In none of the discussions I looked at did I see it EVER suggested that a divorced person might be dating a person to piss off her ex's family. Neither did I see it suggested that, because the ex's family did not like the new partner, an option was for the MB poster not to date that person any more.

I understand that interracial dating is a much more "touchy subject" (to use the thread title) in the USA than it is here in Britain where I live, and I appreciate that an interracial couple will probably face many more comments and objections from family and strangers there than a couple in Britain would probably face.

What I don't understand still, is why, when honestyy asked what, if anything, she could do about her racist ex in-laws influencing her kids, she was asked if she was dating to piss them off. Also, I don't understand why others then advised her to think about not continuing in her relationship.

She describes a relationship that began when she ran into an old friend, that progressed well when the couple found that they got along easily and that now was becoming serious. To clarify the issue about cultural differences, honestyy said that there is no great cultural difference, that she and the new boyfriend are of the same faith, that they grew up in the same neighbourhood and that he and her ex had had mutual friends at one time, through work. In her words, "it's not that my BF is a completely different species or something..." So it is not his values or lifestyle that the ex in-laws are objecting to, but his membership of a different racial group from them.

Her ex H, on the other hand, had a PA and subscribed to sex hook-up sites, a fact that she discovered when she came here to get help with her overbearing MIL and was encouraged to put a keylogger on the computer. He went on to become a drug addict, and he finally left honestyy and divorced her when she tried to get him to deal with his problems. His family supported him and not her when she was struggling with their adulterous, drug-addicted walk-away son with two tiny children.

Now honestyy has a new boyfriend and the relationship is becoming serious, and when she asks for help dealing with what sounds like an unpleasant set of ex in-laws, she is asked whether she is dating this man to piss them off, and it is suggested that she think about not continuing in the relationship.

It might be my own cultural difference coming out here, but for the life of me I cannot see why those questions about honestyy's relationship were not just raised, but are being defended.

SugarCane - I think everyone reading this by now definitely GETS the point that you didn't like my question. Okay...so what else are you seeking? You have made it clear you disagree with what I asked. Why did you need justification for your thoughts on my question?

Can't we just all agree to disagree and move on with the discussion? Do we have to agree with you? Do you want what I asked to be deemed as an impossibility and NEVER should it be asked again? What are you seeking to accomplish?

Captain, I'm replying to your post!

You wondered what my "confusion" and motives were, and I'm telling you!

I am sorry my remarks seem to have inflamed you...I will bow out of this thread. However, before I go, I want to add, in an ideal world, it would be as you say. But we are not in an ideal world. The children cannot be completely sheltered from bigots, esp. since their own father's family happens to wear that hat. Thus they will have to be taught how to deal with it.

I don't think it's "standard". But there is nothing wrong with considering all options. Considering means "thinking over", not "doing". And I will repeat again - no one told her to not date her BF.

I am not completely sure why you are so wrapped around the axle on this, something appears to have really set you off. I don't understand what it is, and I am not going to try to guess.

I have been on these forums for 10 years, and on the Dating forum for most of that time, and yes, we do constantly question posters as to their motivations in their dating choices. It is not to harass them, it is to ask the questions that sometimes they are afraid to ask themselves. Most posters welcome that and are not offended by it. I didn't see honestyy being offended. I am not sure why YOU are so offended, since you were not the poster.

But whatever, I don't want to continue the argument with you on this tangent, as I don't think it is helping honestyy or anyone else for that matter.

AGG

honestyy,

I had a look through Dr Harley's materials, but I am unable to find anything on dealing with exes when divorced. I suppose that is because that topic is nothing to do with a existing marriage.

There are articles on blended families, but that is not really your issue.

If you were still married and living with your ex, you would probably be advised to POJA how to deal with the in-laws. If they refused to stop behaving in a way that is objectionable to you, then you and your H would be advised not to let your children see them.

Of course, you cannot do that when divorced. Divorce gives your ex the right to let your children do things in a way that he wouldn't have if you were still married. he doesn't have to POJA anything with you about what he does when the kids are with him - although, ideally, he would want to agree with you and cooperate.

My suggestion is for you to try and talk to your H. You cannot change your in-laws' attitudes, but you can try and explain that you don't want your children to share them.

Your H might be willing to talk to his parents if he is sympathetic to your views, or you might prefer to talk to the directly yourself. If you explain that the kids are saying things that you would rather they didn't, and that what they learn over at the in-laws houses isn't what you would like them to learn, they might at least agree not to make racist comments when they are with the kids.

If, however, they won't agree to this, then I think your only course of action systematically to teach your children that these views are wrong, that they are not Christian, that you don't wish to hear them, or whatever your position is. You use age-appropriate language to talk to the kids, as you would when teaching them any moral value.

Ultimately, unless your ex in-laws do things that the law could consider harmful to your children, they can do and say as they wish. I hope they'll see the sense in not falling out with you about the kids.