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#2461995 01/09/11 02:13 PM
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I am getting ahead of myself, I admit. I am merely in the early phases of snooping, but I am feeling that my intuition is on and I will discover what I dread.

I am reading about exposure here and in my Marriage Builders materials.

I'd love to hear your experiences...particularly those of you with children. How many of you exposed an affair, stopped it and salvaged your marriages to the point that the marriage was a pleasant thing to be in? How do you decide your kids will benefit from the exposure? How old were your kids and how much did they understand? Any exposure backlash?


Just Figure It Out Already
JustStopIt #2461998 01/09/11 02:26 PM
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I am very early on in the process, but my WW was VERY upset. Very offensive and blaming me for not trusting her. I got the trickle truth even when I had enough details to verify for certain. Our children are older (late teens) and mine is mine and hers is hers. Mine believes it, her has been indoctrinated to the point that she thinks her mom having friends are ok.

Make sure to take the advice offered here from the vets. Do it in the order suggested and don't blink. I did not take that advice and now two years later it is another A, and we are going straight to plan D.

Sorry that you find yourself here... but there are good people here who know what you are going through.

I wish you luck.

RC


BH - age 50
WW - age 48

Married 1998
D-day 4/1/09 (I knew before but acknowledgment on that day)
D-day 12/29/10

RoseCroix #2462004 01/09/11 02:45 PM
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I feel pretty stupid for asking this but what is Plan D exactly?

Last edited by FadingOut; 01/09/11 02:45 PM.
FadingOut #2462008 01/09/11 02:51 PM
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Originally Posted by FadingOut
I feel pretty stupid for asking this but what is Plan D exactly?

Plan D = Divorce


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
Fred_in_VA #2462011 01/09/11 02:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Fred_in_VA
Originally Posted by FadingOut
I feel pretty stupid for asking this but what is Plan D exactly?

Plan D = Divorce

Thanks a lot! I recently filed for divorce myself because I can't deal with my husband's contant snooping anymore.


We can't go on together
With suspicious minds
And we can't build our dreams
On suspicious minds
JustStopIt #2462017 01/09/11 03:08 PM
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JSIt,
Please read my thread...
Our children learned over the holidays and all three D21 and D23 and S13 are very upset with her...
She has been mentioning the Mich woman Clara Walker that took legal action against her husband for finding out about her affair...
Exposure does have a strong impact of the cheater because it rocks their world, and some cheaters do the right thing and show remorse, regret, and humility and others just try to take legal action against you...
I hope my WW does try the legal action spin because I will make sure it gets in the local newspaper and on the 5 o'clock news...

Please read this thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2461533#Post2461533

17m4 #2462021 01/09/11 03:12 PM
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17m4...I read your thread earlier. You've been through a lot. Did you tell the kids? Hang in there.


Just Figure It Out Already
JustStopIt #2462027 01/09/11 03:19 PM
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I will just say the children found out...
I am erring on the side of caution with my posts...
Exposure does have a massive impact on the WW, and it will many times stop all the outside the marriage activity quickly...
The WW is going to get real upset, so just be prepared for this...
I know that there are many MB folks that can tell you that exposure was the one thing that finally helped them begin a solid recovery...
You cannot rebuild a marriage as long as one spouse is still talking and seeing some other person outside of your marriage...
Thanks...

JustStopIt #2462128 01/09/11 11:22 PM
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Originally Posted by JustStopIt
I'd love to hear your experiences...particularly those of you with children. How many of you exposed an affair, stopped it and salvaged your marriages to the point that the marriage was a pleasant thing to be in? How do you decide your kids will benefit from the exposure? How old were your kids and how much did they understand? Any exposure backlash?

Hi Juststopit! I love your screen name, btw! smile

Exposure is the most powerful weapon against an affair. While it is not a guarantee, most of the recovered marriages here are recovered because they exposed. We have had affairs killed the very day they were exposed. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing them is ruinous. Sometimes it is not immediate, but we have learned in many cases it hastens their death.

Dr Harley calls it the most important first step towards recovery:

Originally Posted by Dr Willard Harley
Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery.
Exposure

Here he chastises a betrayed husband for not exposing his wife's affair and tells him that exposure would have likely led to the end of her affair, He calls this man an enabler: Dr Harley: "it's very difficult to overcome an affair when you become an enabler."

Children over the ages of 4-5 should be told about the affair. If you don't tell them the truth your WS will likely tell them lies. Giving children false explanations about the source of tension of in their home teaches them dishonesty. Children desperately need the truth and some moral guidance.

Quote
Any exposure backlash?

Yes, and it is fabulous!! Just imagine taking the crack pipe away from the crack head. They are furious!! The goal here, though, is to save the marriage, not to avoid the WS' wrath. Your marriage can survive some short term anger, it can't survive an affair. The anger blows over quickly.

There is damaging backlash, though, when a BS does just a little exposure because they are timid. Doing that is just enough to piss off the WS, but not enough to kill the affair. It is like going to a gun fight with a pea shooter. Hit him with the pea shooter and he just comes after you with a VENGEANCE. Hit him with an UZI and you have killed the enemy. [affair]

Hope that helps!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2462224 01/10/11 12:07 PM
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I exposed on Dec 20th, so far its been textbook. WW was angry, but seems to be calming down. Affair seems dead.

I am so glad I exposed I feel like it was the right thing to do. I wish I did it sooner.


FBH,Dad
No half measures, in anything.
Reynolds531 #2462295 01/10/11 02:46 PM
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Exposure has a power like nothing I can explain...surreal power...
A WW/WH will get upset, but the marriage can take a little of a spouse getting upset...
The marriage cannot take the spouse keeping a FB(not facebook)on the side...
Drop the Hammer of Thor...
Watch and Witness the awesome power...

All of us at MB wish we had done this sooner rather than later...
Thanks...


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