To get back into plan b, should I print out the letter and give it to him? How should I go about doing it?

NLF-
You can do it one day at at time. Ask the vets for more help when you feel that you are slipping. It is not easy. Come on look at me I am not even in Plan B and I know full well I should be. Keep it up.

I just got off the phone with my mom who reminded me what the plan b was for. To get myself into a better place to be able to move forward, whatever that may be. By allowing him to know that what he is doing is bothering me, I am feeding into it. so, if I would have backed off and done these things before, he would have fallen through on his own and I wouldn't be in the emotional place I am. The fact that he is coming around the house is he is probably wanting to feed his ego that we are sitting around waiting for him. I have to tell him... I am washing my hands of him. I have tried for too long to try to help him. I have tried to work on things for our family and for our kids future, and for that of our marriage's future. I can no longer try to help him. He has to help himself and until he can help himself, I am done. And that may mean I am done permanently. He is really only thinking about himself. He isn't taking into consideration his children's future. He said that I yelled at him too much and we fought and he said that wasn't healthy for the boys. so he left.... and now he is wiht someone who fights on a regular basis. That is her way of getting what she wants and he can ask her previous boyfriends, to whom I have spoken. All of the babble that he said about our marriage is him trying to justify that what he is doing is ok with her.... when in reality he has just put himself in a worse position than he was already in before. He is now arguing in front of the kids on a regular basisi with her and doing things that are inappropriate. Things were "bad" before b/c he chose not to try to improve things together, or even by himself. Marriage is a team effort, and he checked out of the team a long time ago. His problems will follow him b/c he hasn't taken the time to address fixing them on his own. That's his problem; not mine. I am done trying to help him or fix him. He is the only one who can fix himself... so I will move forward with the boys and make our lives the best possible b.c if he won't work on himself and his family, then that is his problem. Not mine. It is sad that he would rather love another woman than the mother of his children. Who gave up so much in my own life for our family. I won't sit around and allow myself to be treated poorly by someone who is wrapped up with himself and someone whom he "feels" at this point in time is all he could ever want. I acted unselfish for years and now it is time for me to be selfish for the boys and my own sake. I can't focus any more of my energy who cared so little about his own children and family to go off and help ruin another family for his own "feel good needs". A relationship built on lies, deceit and betrayal is no relationship I would ever want to be part. At least I can say that mine and Wh's relationship started out the way all healthy relationships should begin: honestly and with good morals and support from others. He and OW have very little support from others and that is not the way you want to live life. Will his friends welcome her and invite her over to get togethers, knowiing what the 2 of them did to our family? Will his friends look at him the same knowing that he left his own family? They won't have an honest support system b/c not many people will support people who have acted the way they are. They will get what is coming to them and by being in plan b, I am regaining control of MY life... and not allowing him to control ME any more with his poor actions. Furthermore, for him to move in with her so soon doesn't demonstrate real love to me that has grown adn flourished the way love should. It basically is a physical, immature, needy love that is only fulfilling each other's superficial needs.... and not a type of love that can endure the test of time.

The typical behavior....coming by the home is acurate.
Some WH do it.
Mine was skulking in the driveway on the side of the house a few times when I went to B.
He wanted to be near his family though he was sent away.

It is really difficult to avoid some WH's at first til you clearly are serious about them not attempting to cross your castle walls.

If you are surprised by him pressing contact.....do not lovebust (disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, demands)....simply be firm and tell him you are not able to have him around and have any contact with him while he is involved with another woman. To leave and respect your request. Firm.

Daddy probably scared him though. Love your Dad!

I do love my dad! He went out to start my car b/c he was afraid that WH was going to come back by... and he sure as hell did! Dad called me fromt he driveway and said he was going after him. lol... I guess I still am daddy's little princess after all... lol.

i am going to have to work on the djs, aos, and demands.... that is hard. i will reiterate to him that I can't have him around while he is involved with OW or commits to the terms I have laid out.

although, WH said he doesn't have to stay away b/c there is no court order stating that he must and his name is still on the mortgage and such. i wonder what would happen if I moved out while he was away for work.... hmmmmmmmmm..... lol.

Is it reasonable to expect that a WS not ask about their bills being paid during a separation? He has not ONCE asked if our mortgage or vehicle loan is behind or anything. We are going on 7 mos of him being gone and not once asking if things are caught up.

He is assuming you are paying probably.
Also....if he states he can come and go.....your IM can say....well....BS is not dropping in on you at your place. She would like the same respect in turn.

Very true!

Maybe I should stop paying his stuff b/c I don't care if his credit takes a hit!

Appt tomorrow afternoon with Steve. We'll see what happens.....

Good luck! He was really nice when I spoke with him last week. I hope he can help. You sound strong!

I sound it... but don't feel it!!! I am getting really discouraged and I am pretty sure that he moved in with OW recently. I don't think there is much else left to do to be honest b/c he is resisting every single thing I have suggested, even lots of the MB's suggestions.

I'm sorry. I don't have any words of wisdom b/c I keep fighting with a hard head too! It's so hard to feel so alone in such a huge battle--the battle for your family. Just hang in there!

it is very hard when family and friends are saying to just walk away with my head held high and be done with him. and, be done with his family as well since they don't seem to care very much about me either....... It's quite sad to be honest.

That is the beauty of plan B as I see and feel it.
You do walk away with your head held high and are done with him (for the time being at least) but you don't shoot yourself in the foot and say or do anything that is nasty or irreversible.
You go away and don't let further drama eat away your own good will.
You go away and learn that you are actually moving towards a healthier place spiritually where you learn the true power of something very powerful on our planet

passive resistance

You learn the true meaning of it.

You do not try to control the WH in plan B. You only control your own self. You protect your finances as well as you can without getting into a power struggle for controlling the WH. To do not react to triggers by being in the ring with the affairees. You are in the grandstand just eating popcorn and hanging out with your friends having a good time.

Your head can't be held any higher than that.

So.... being in plan b is to protect myself even if I truly do want to work on things with him and get things back??? His fog is thicker than meatloaf I think....... he sees nothing other than skankilicious in front of him!

It sure CAN be. One thing you will find over time if you keep studying marriage builders plans is that the actions you take will lead to your feeling certain ways.
If you disengage in plan B.....whether you recover the marriage in the future or not....you will be in a better place emotionally. Stronger. Not put through more of a wringer than need be.
There is no escaping the feelings you have but there is potential for a better emotional place with following the plan. It will help you ride the rollerc oaster of emotions and gain self respect. Being betrayed by your spouse tends to make us feel fragile and less than ........
Plan B builds your self respect back up.

If the future has recovering the marriage....you will be a stronger person recovering. You will have insight that would be tough to come by any other way.

I really believe that you can not work on things with a wayward spouse until the other person is gone. For good.

Meanwhile..........after plan A......plan B.

Yeah... good luck trying to get rid of OW. She is sooo controlling. I doubt this relationship is gonna end soon; we are going on a year now of this relationship beginning.

All the more reason to be in a dark plan B.

Have her no where in YOUR realm, set a good model for your WH of how to have no contact with someone you think you love (you/him like him/her) and create peace for yourself that doesn't include the controlling OW.

Now....I am in plan B. Have been over a year and the OW in my situation was around many years (before I found out), and patience is my middle name.

Plan B will allow you to live life without WH and OW being the center of every activity.

So, if you have been in plan b for a year, have you filed for divorce or anything yet??? I would love to have something figured out within the next few months. When I was nice to him back in the summer when this all came out, he seemed responsive and wanted to come back home within 3 weeks. However, he wanted to come home for the kids .... not necessarily to wrok on the marriage. I told him this was okl.... it was all or nothing so he needed to think about it. Then he started making excuses why he didn't want to come home b/c I was suggesting him working on things here. I think what really happened was that OW was working on her marriage and so he figured he was going to come home too...... but as soon as she came back around to him, he was done with me. So, I guess I am sick of being used and I will have to do the dark plan b for myself and he will see what he is missing. My 31st bday is coming up and my friends and I have BIG plans!!! What better way to start my golden year by partying it up!