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Found this article quite informative as it gives reference to different types of infidelity. It's also nice to read from a psychiatrist that BS's are NOT the insane one's that so many WS try to make us out to be! Thought others might find it informative also.  Romantic Infidelity Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continue living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate�someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own�is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape
People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born�any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones. Origional Article: Frank Pittman Beyond Betrayal;Life after Infidelity Frank Pittman is the author of "Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy" (Norton c:1990 paperback)
BS/ME 47 Met on blind date WH 46(Alcoholic,drugs?) DS1:18 DS2:15 1st A EA9/07 PA10/07 NC11/07 2nd A EA/PA-10/2010 Found out- 11/20/2010 He moved out-1/1/2011 same apt.cmplx as OW(&her kids) PlanB-1/1/11(broken) NEW PB-2/11 Taking it one day at a time There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who say to God, "Thy will be done" and those to whom God says, "Alright then, have it your way." ~C .S.Lewis
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You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) QFT. LOL. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better Pretty much sums it up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones. Verrrrrrrry interesting.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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Reading the entire article I found the last sentence, in parenths, to be quite interesting. See what trickle truth and FR will get you:
Men are just as forgiving as women of their mates' affairs. They might claim ahead of time that they would never tolerate it, but when push comes to shove, cuckolded men are every bit as likely as cuckolded women to fight like tigers to hold on to a marriage that has been betrayed. Cuckolded men may react violently at first, though cuckolded women do so as well, and I've seen more cases of women who shot and wounded or killed errant husbands. (The shootings occur not when the affair is stopped and confessed, but when it is continued and denied.)
Don't pray for God to guide your footsteps unless you are willing to move your feet
Me BH 55, WW 40, M 12 yrs, 3 Boys 19, 10 & 8. Separated Sept 08 DDay Dec 08 Plan A Mar 09 Plan B 16 Nov 09
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The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones. Oh my God this article describes me and my WW exactly.I confirm this section by my own experience. To everyone but WW, I am sane, stable, supportive, financially secure, attractive. The marriage is "good" although I wasn't meeting some key ENs. As she went through various crises (musical success, mother's cancer, etc) she almost had this need to "create drama" by ruining our "good" marriage, by having an A with someone who meets the criteria in this article. She was alienated for sure.
Last edited by StuckWaiting; 02/04/11 01:25 PM. Reason: fixed quote
BS: Me, 27 WS: Her, 24 EA: October PA: 11/22/10 Moved out 12/3/10 Moved back in mid-January.
In tentative recovery. Is that the sun I see, breaking through the fog?
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I've read this article several times. It's very insightful.
There's one line that drives me mad when it describes Howard's affair with Maxine and how a year after he left his wife, Howard's kids didn't want to speak to him.
"He couldn't understand why anyone would be mad with him; he couldn't help who he loves and who he doesn't love."
Isn't that infuriating? It's especially infuriating to me that I honestly think most people feel this way.
Do you find it to be true?
I was with a group of acquaintances earlier this week, and when discussing this subject, most people agreed with the "can't help who you love" sentiment.
I was outraged.
There's no black and white ... with most people, I'm afraid.
FBW in recovery
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"He couldn't understand why anyone would be mad with him; he couldn't help who he loves and who he doesn't love."
Isn't that infuriating? It's especially infuriating to me that I honestly think most people feel this way.
Do you find it to be true? Yes you certainly CAN help it~ 1.) if you have proper boundaries in place you won't "fall in love" inappropriately. 2.) if you are wise you will recognize the difference between infatuation and "love" and you will run for the hills if you are married and find yourself liking the ego stroking of another person a little too much. "Can't help it" my a**. Talk about not taking personal responsibility!
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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Stuckwaiting - My experience is the same as yours. My WW even admitted it to me in private and in counseling. I'm the 'safe' choice - I think that's how she put it. I countered with 'I'm the best choice' for you. That may not have been the right thing to do, but I wouldn't take it back.
//begin rant
Must be exciting to have a man who's 11 years older, in his 50s, and rides a motorcycle - you just turned 40! Let's fast forward ten years and see what this picture looks like. Our son will be a teenager and maybe he can babysit your step-granddaughter! [sarcasm folks...don't get offended. Let's me blow off steam.]
//end of rant
BS(me)- 45 WW - 41 D-day 1 - (PA) 01/2011 DS - 6 Exposure: early 02/2011 Started Plan B - 7/11
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The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones. So, he's saying I'm awesome? I knew that.
BW 46 XWH 46 Boys 17 & 19 Girls 16 & 10 D-day #1 12/2006 (confessed affair in 2004 w/BF & his wife) D-day #2 10/2008 (denied by XWH) D-day #3 10/2010 Kick WH out 01/2011 he files for D D finally final 03/2012 I'm free!
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Must be exciting to have a man who's 11 years older, in his 50s, and rides a motorcycle - you just turned 40! Let's fast forward ten years and see what this picture looks like. Our son will be a teenager and maybe he can babysit your step-granddaughter! [sarcasm folks...don't get offended. Let's me blow off steam.] //end of rant Oh lord. I've said a nearly identical paragraph. POSOM is 11 years older than me, too... and 14 years older than her. "Must be nice to have a man 14 years older who had a successful music career in the 90s, is 6 inches taller than me, and has an internet radio show with a smattering of listeners. Let's fast forward 10 years--he'll be nearing 50, completely bald, will STILL dress only in sweats, his autistic son will be in his 20s, and his royalty checks from the 90s will have been inflation-eaten down to a pittance. How romantic!"
BS: Me, 27 WS: Her, 24 EA: October PA: 11/22/10 Moved out 12/3/10 Moved back in mid-January.
In tentative recovery. Is that the sun I see, breaking through the fog?
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"He couldn't understand why anyone would be mad with him; he couldn't help who he loves and who he doesn't love."
Isn't that infuriating? It's especially infuriating to me that I honestly think most people feel this way.
Do you find it to be true? Yes you certainly CAN help it~ 1.) if you have proper boundaries in place you won't "fall in love" inappropriately. 2.) if you are wise you will recognize the difference between infatuation and "love" and you will run for the hills if you are married and find yourself liking the ego stroking of another person a little too much. "Can't help it" my a**. Talk about not taking personal responsibility! Could not agree with you more, and while I tried to show them the light, they weren't buying it. These women were terribly offended when I "stereotyped" all affair relationships as false luurve/false reality. Because who am I to judge?
FBW in recovery
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Sums it up!
My wxh?
Let's see what was going on w/us when he went off the deep end and found a few "dumsels" to rut in the mud with:
1)my father had just died 2)his business had a serious issue (major problem) and he almost lost his business 3)we had a very young child 4)were building our dream home and 5)working on the second child.
I think we had ALL OF THE ABOVE criteria for him having an affar. Funny thing though. It was MY DAD WHO died. And I didn't have a dad blame affair either.
He certainly did find and marry an ow "dumsel". chick who lived in an apt with two other women and her child, no education, never married to baby daddy.
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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Btw, he and the dumsel are divorcing right now.
Mr. Pittman is right. It was something he sacrificed everything for, it was a disaster, and nothing but a train wreck with her.
He he. I still hold the record for being once married to him the longest! lmao.
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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