On the advice of many at the ***edit***, I am here to tell my story. I do have a few posts there if you want the long version:

***edit***

So I will make the "I had my suspicions" part brief:

No sex
Coming home late
Going to work on days normally wouldn't
Constantly on laptop at home
Answering her cell phone, hearing a man say "oh ***edit***" then a hang up.

In hindsight, it shouldn't have been a question and I should have listened to my gut. It was too late to stop it anyhow.

We did have a talk about 2 weeks prior to my finding out, which has brought out some ongoing revelations to me, not the least of which is that I have Nice Guy Syndrome and that my wife may no longer love me. Eventually I came to see that regardless of who cast the 1st stone we stopped filing each others' EN and became resentful of the other making it even less likely of the other ever going to get their EN met. Had we ever just talked instead of burying it...but too late.

So we have the talk then, which for me was really about why are we STILL not having sex (it has been less than 10 times in almost 3 years). Then I realized that this was serious bad marriage business and that I was a fool for being blind to it for so long. We both agree to see counseling and both went once seperately prior to D-Day.

She is gone for a long weekend for work between the talk and while I am working some of this out on my own. When she comes back we talk again, but my gut is still eating at me. Probably because D-Day revealed the OM is a coworker who was on the same business trip, but I get ahead of myself. So she has her 1st counseling session last Wednesday but alot of the above gut tingling habits still exist (coming home late, laptop all the time.) Keep in mind I am highly resentful of these things because I am so suspicious. I am also leaving the house a few times to talk to friends as part of my Nice Guy recovery and to talk about my fears for the marriage, and she knows this. The tension is building in the house.

Finally this Sunday as she is taking a shower I get THE CALL from the OMW explaining how the OM & MW have been having an affair for two months, she found out and read emails etc. and generally got the OM to squeal to some extent and agree to end it Tuesday of last week. On Sunday the OMW discovers and phone call to my home from the OM on Thursday, which is why I learned for certain.

I am in shock, she appears to be as well when I ask why I would be getting a call from OMW. We have a talk I can barely recall then she leaves as planned to visit a friend in the hospital. Immediately after I leave and meet a couple buddies who had WW's of their own and have been divorced. That night MWW and I talk some more, I can't tell you about what exactly.

On Monday I leave work early and talk to OMW for an hour or so on the phone. I get all the details. I find the lies of 2 months ongoing, I find the lies of omission she told me the day before that they were together on the business trip. The OM insists no sex and the OMW believes it, btw. I am somewhat inclined to believe it is true myself, but I just don't know. I get pissed and tell her that until she can tell the truth she needed to go be with her parents. We talk on the phone later and decide that being apart isn't for the best for us or our son.

Monday night we have the 1st honest to God conversation we have had in a long time. As in she talks and her tone and body language do not betray her. We agree we must put honesty above all else from this point forward. We agree that we both messed this up by just not communicating and for us to have any chance moving forward we have to be honest. I feel as good as could be expected I guess 1 day removed.

Tuesday my MIL calls me at work and wants to know what is going on. She called sunday while my WW was at the hospital, I let some obvious venom slip when I said she wasn't home. I told my WW that my MIL had called and for her to call her back. Later that evening (D-Day evening) she told me she told her mother. So I email my WW at work and tell her her MIL wants to talk and that they are worried and deserve a right to have some sense of security and that we should all talk. She emails back with what was a desperate attempt to justify not doing that. I call her mom anyway and I found out she had not told her, so I let that fly. I didn't get into all the details, saying that was my WW's story to tell her mother.

So this discovery prompted another vicious email to my WW. She did call me immediately, and sounded sincere that she meant she only told her mom we were having problems, she admittedly wasn't specific. In hindsight I see this was a good move for me to expose her regardless.

We do have another good talk last night, I feel the open and honest lines are open right now. Which gives hope. However, I have also been in frequent contact with OMW. OM has not been at work the last 2 days and MWW's "late meeting" have been "canceled" the last 2 nights. First ever cancellations I can recall, although she insists they are legit. They could be, their main location at work is an hour behind us so it wouldn't be late for those folks in the other time zone.

So in summary, I feel that my wife is actually being honest with me about how she feels about us. Her words 2 days ago were "80/20" we can work it out. She says she is done with OM (but they work in the same building, so). I want to make this work, despite the pain I am in right now. I want to believe even though everything says it is too early for that.

I guess I have rambled enough. I need help, I want to save my marriage. Ask /say anything.

Firstly .. Sorry you are here. I am not much for advice giving but I would suggest you SNOOP big time. During this SNOOPIng time .. print out the emotional needs questionairs and find out exactly what each of your emotional needs are. THen begin a plan to start meeting them. If your WW is serious about making your marriage work .. I would demand that she have no more contact with her AP. This may include quitting her job. If you have solid proof of the A I would also bring this to her boss and to his boss's attention and present them/him/her with the viable info. Exposure is the key here to end the A .. your wife will be in a HUGE fog and may say horrible things as she begins to withdraw from OM.

Some of your SNOOPING should include a keylogger www.desktopshark.com on your home computer. There isa thread and a forum section on snooping. DO NOT tell her ANY of your snooping techniques. ALso make sure that exposure is NUCLEAR! Tell everyone and anyone associated with you tow exactly whats going on and tell them you will provide proof when requested. Your WW may try to cake eat and put her A underground. Exposure will keep the pressure on for what it is.

YOU are not responsible for her affair ... only she is. Dont forget that ... You may be 50% responsible for the condition of your marriage but she CHOSE to have an affair emotional or physical .. they are both affairs.

I am sure the VETS will chime in here and take over ... but ..

Welcome to marriage builders ... your in good hands.

Should I be telling more people for starters? So far her parents, myself, two of my friends the OMW and of course my WW and myself. I can think of a few key people, I almost found it cruel as if I was shaming her to do this. After all this crap, somehow I do still love her. But it seems this would be best?

Also, I have been doing some plan A stuff already though not because I knew it was Plan A. I have been going to the gym, I have lost weight, I shaved my beard off, I am growing my hair out, wearing ball caps again, wearing cologne again. I have some self-worth issues (see Nice Guy stuff) so these things are positive changes for me that she has commented on. Also to note that I have had facial hair and a buzz cut for long I had forgotten what I looked like without them. Well the buzz cut is going to take some time to grow out, but...

Yes ... tell everyone and anyone associated with you and her ... include a facebook exposure. Do not tell your wife your doing it .. or she could spin it in her favor that your just crazy. Just do it!

dbaggins, I'm sorry you find yourself here. Welcome to the club that nobody wants to join! But this is the place that can help you put your marriage back together.

The first thing you absolutely need to do is read up on Marriage Builders concepts, Coping With Infidelity, Top Emotional Needs, and the acronyms used on this site. Do this now.

The veterans (I don't include myself among that august group) can help you, but when they do, you don't want to be scrambling to understand what it is they are telling you to do.

You have a good chance of recovering your marriage. But certain conditions must be met: No contact with the OM forever, initiated by a letter YOU APPROVE, verifiable checking on WW's activities, phone, computer, etc., and dedicated, steady work on rebuilding your marriage the MB way. Start reading now!

Dbaggins, I've been right there too. As much as you want to, you cannot believe a single word from your W if it is related to her ending the A with the OM. Getting caught does not cure the A instantly. It's a drug that your W will want for quite some time, and she will take this underground if she is allowed any opportunities.

I will let the vets speak, as well, regarding specific plans, but you must covertly monitor her to verify she is being honest, and you must insist that she never works around or with the OM ever again.

One absolute truth of A's is that any contact with the OM/OW will continue to trigger feelings, which will cause the A to continue until the fog is so thick that a divorce is likely.

So get ready to fully expose, insist on NC for life (and having your W write a NC letter,) and follow Plan A carrot/stick to Recovery.

Your wife's A is textbook story that is quite typical. Follow the script that will be laid out here and you have a great chance for a recovery. I am living proof of that.

DB:

Yes. You belong here.

Is your WW leaving this company, or is the OM?

Have you spoken to anyone who is in charge over there about this?

Dollar to a Donut, if they were both at training or a business function away from the building overthe weekend, BOTH of them are going to put in for reimbursement for the hotel rooms, even though they were in one room. That abuse of company dollars. Companies frown on that. And they have done it before.

And they WERE in ONE room. Count on it. You don't cross state lines to stay in your own room.

Ask OMW to send you all the emails that she has. So you both have copies.

Some details. Your age, hers, the age of your son, how long married. How long have you known her, Has she shown this tendency before?

LG

Right now neither the OM or my WW are planning to leave the company. Although according to the OMW he did offer to do so, not that that means much.

I have not spoken to anyone at her place of employment.

I am not sure if the OMW has copies of the emails anymore. They were on OM work laptop. If he is smart he did finally delete them from his deleted items folder.

I am 32, WW is 32, son just turned 2. We have been married 7 years, known each other 10 years, and no I have never seen anything that would suggest this to me.

And I really hope that telling people about this is the right thing to do. I was kind of freaking after reading this stuff and just stopped at our friends' house on the way home from work and spilled the beans. I told them why I was telling them, because I read it would help kill the A and no other reason. WW comes home upset, so I dont tell her. I told her that I read I should be telling everyone, including her employers to prevent the A from coming back. She then goes to her scheduled counseling session and mentions what I told her about telling people and the counselor apparently disagreed strongly. Granted, I can't know what was said. Then before I get done putting our son to bed the friend calls and it comes up before I had a chance to tell her. I tried to give the high sign, but it was too late.

I see the reasoning behind it, and I understand she WAS dishonest with me, and has no moral highground to stand on, but I feel I was dishonest here as well and that is not something I want to be. I want to save my marriage, and I don't want my wife to keep secrets from me, and here I am. Secrets are what slowly ate away at our marriage, secrets are not going to repair it.

I really hope this was right, because I didn't even consider this, but these friends are huge talkers. They will tell people. Even if everyone doesn't know the illusion will exist that they do. I still don't feel right about this.

dbaggins, exposure is the one most powerful weapon you have for killing this A. WHEN YOU DO IT THE RIGHT WAY.

Never warn a wayward about exposure or threaten them that you are thinking about exposing the A! You are giving them time to get their story straight and paint you out as a nutjob, jealous husband who thinks all the guys are after his wife, blah blah blah.

Never trickle out exposure to this person today, that person tomorrow, maybe one or two relatives next week...exposure is to be done in one fell swoop, without warning to the adulterers. It should come to them as a complete firestorm of truth that everyone knows about the A.

Can you gt a list together of everyone who can influence your WW to leave OM?

Some examples:
THEIR EMPLOYER: This is huge. This exposure alone could kill the A. Hang on, I'll try to find the work exposure letter that's on this site.
THEIR FAMILIES: I missed it - is OM married? If so, his wife needs to know immediately. She will more than likely be your main ally in killing this A and helping you keep an eye on her WH.
THEIR FRIENDS: You sort of started this. Finish it.

Yes, it sounds counter-intuitive. Yes, it seems disloyal. Understand that you are dealing with an addicted wayward wife right now. She cannot think clearly to end this and will need your help.

Sure, she'll be pissed when she gets wind of the fact that her dirty little secret has just been exposed for the world to scrutinize. Yes, she'll blow her stack. They usually do. She'll tell you all kinds of garbage: "I was going to work on the M, but you can forget that now!" "I was going to end the A but that's out now!" etc. Add water and stir. It's the Wayward Mantra. Ignore it. Tell her that you are going to do whatever it takes to save your M.

As far as the job? She's going to have to quit. They can't work together. But get your exposure lined up first.

dbaggins, welcome to Marriage Builders.

You have some very mixed up views that are going to prevent you from recovering your marriage. I hardly know where to start, but I will start with the above issue of exposure.

First off, you are right, secrets are not good. Which is why you should not keep "exposure" a secret. Think about that. Exposure = secret. It is not supposed to be a secret...or it is not exposure. So there was no reason to "give your friend the high sign" to signal for him to keep exposure secret. That defeats the purpose.

Exposure is your most potent weapon against infidelity. Everyone should know about the affair. Your family, her family, the OM's family, friends, children, the workplace. Everyone. The more people who know, the more people to hold your wife accountable.


That counselor is wasting your time and doesn't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage from an affair. I would dump this person before she destroys your marriage. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, who specializes in infidelity and he describes exposure as such:

here

We have had numerous affairs on this forum killed using this method. There is no more effective way of killing an affair and saving a marriage than exposure.

Secondly, your marriage will not recover as long as they work together. Recovery is impossible until all contact ends. And let me explain why. An affair is an addiction. Every time she sees or contacts him in any way [even looking at his facebook page] her feelings are triggered for him. Her feelings will be front and center, so it will just be a matter of opportunity to resume the affair. And trust me, the opportunity will come if she is triggered every day!!

This is why recovery is impossible. So, if you are interested in saving your marriage, one of them will have to leave the job.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

I would try and get the emails. Additionally, I would inform her workplace about the affair so they can protect themselves legally. A letter should be sent to the Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both their bosses. People who have affairs in the workplace are loose cannnons so it is very important the company be informed so they can take action. Many companies choose not to employ cheaters:

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

Exposure saved my marriage. My W and the OM hoped to keep the A a secret until they could both file for divorce and get together "properly." When the OMW and I exposed on both ends, it made their twisted fantasy a nightmare. Everyone knew they would be the couple that destroyed two families to be together.

The fallout was so great that we are thankfully in a great recovery. In my case, no exposure = divorce. Only exposure could crush the fantasy.

No, I dont have the book yet. I am going to order it now. This is scary stuff. I thought we were making progress and now I am hearing that is all nothing. I don't feel like I am thinking anymore, that I am letting others think for me and hoping for the best.

And by high sign, I meant I was trying to give my wife the high sign while she was on the phone with the friend because I wanted to be the one that told her that I told our friends.

Maybe I just want to believe too much, but this is from an email from WW this morning:

"Here is what I know. I am extremely confused and sad right now. I have a lot of emotions running through me and I swing like a pendulum back and forth in feelings on where I think I should be, where I want to be and where I actually am. I know that [OM] cannot be a factor in any of this - he is not an �option� and never really was. I could see where it doesn�t seem like it, but he loves his wife and family very much and has never said any different. I think this is about us and between us and if we can figure out how to do something about this. The last few days have not been just words. They are my feelings and needs and fears as I can best explain them right now. I don�t want to betray anyone again"

And I have talked to her face to face and gotten similar responses. And I believe them, because before she was exposed the tone and body language was completely different. I am very worried about messing this up.

Sometimes that's the best thing you can do - stop thinking so much. You're too close to the situation.

That email is fogbabble. She's deflecting the affair and attempting to lull you in a false sense of security so you'll back off and stop interfering with her little fantasy.

Meanwhile she's still carrying on with OM, meeting every need of his that she can in order to pull him away from his wife and family. Then she'll email you and say "Oops! I was wrong, sorry about that. OM and I are soulmates, he's going to leave his family to be with me!"

Don't fall for this, dbaggins.

Thats really nice. But absolutely meaningless. What it will take to recover your marriage is ending all contact with the OM. Until that happens she will be foggy and you will be facing a death of a thousand cuts with an on again, off again affair for years.

Your wife is the equivalent of a falling down drunk right now. And will be until she withdraws from the OM. That will never happen until one of them leaves the job.

As far as exposing the affair, you should not be the one to break it to her preferably. The best scenario is that your friend or family contacts her - without forewarning - and tells her they know about the affair and offers their support for her marriage. The element of surprise is very important.

Think of this way and you will understand what you are dealing with here: your wife is an alcoholic, the OM is her whiskey and the workplace is the BAR. Every day she goes to the bar and sees the OM, she gets drunk. So until she stops drinking, she cannot withdraw and she cannot sober up.

And while she is drunk, everything she says is meaningless. Just like the alcoholic "swears off" alcohol after his last bad drunk, a WW will swear off her affair. But as long as she goes to the bar every day and has a drink, soon enough she will forget the sting of the last drunk and is off on another binge. <---that is your future if she continues to work with the OM. We call it a death of a thousand cuts.

And if you think you are going to be "different," think again. I have been here for 10 years and don't know of a marriage that recovered while the affairees were in contact. But I can point to untold affairs that were resumed because this step was skipped. I can point to several divorces and pregnancies that occurred because the couple ignored this step.

Ok, I am more ready to play hardball today. Last night, I was emotionally distressed and thinking less clearly. I will say I am allowed to have that now and again.

I am not ready to go nuclear and write a letter to their HR just yet. Couldn't getting her fired cause more resentment and drive us further apart? Would asking her to quit her job to show she is committed to us first ruin it?

My thought is to dig into the spy shop, or hire a PI. Find out if it hasn't stopped. Once (if) I find evidence then I will nuke the HR department.

I am sure many of you out there have written said letter. How did this go for you?

No, not exposing at work drives you further apart because it makes recovery of your marriage impossible if she still works with the OM. Divorce is the likely result if she continues to work with him. If she gets fired, it won't be your fault, it will be because of her affair. Any resentment aimed towards you would be the result of FOG, which is swept away once the OM is out of her life. Nor will resentment be relevant if you are divorced over the continued contact. [which is where you are headed now since they work together]

Her employer needs to be informed of the affair so they can take steps to protect themselves legally. She and the OM are placing them at legal risk with their unprofessional behavior.


But you already have evidence of continued contact. Doesn't she still work there? If she goes to work there every day and sees the OM, that is evidence of continued contact that makes recovery of your marriage impossible.

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

A post written by a former WW who continued to work with her OM:

Should I give her a chance to quit her job 1st to show that she wants to fix us? If she says no, will I be giving her too much information into my next move.

I want to play my cards right.

You could try that. Let her know that the only way your marriage can recover is if she leaves that job and ends all contact. Then if she doesn't do that, you can expose there. But, you don't want to give her any forewarning or tell her about your plans to expose.