Just grasping at straws, but I wonder if his reluctance is based on the belief that MB counseling will only tell him to "get over it."

Would he at least read the articles from online with you if you printed them out?

Most of them print out to 2-3 pages.

So, what do you want to do now? You aren't happy with the 1 year arrangement. I can't say as I blame you. You have a broken marriage, and without actively trying to repair it, it could be beyond repair in a year. You seem to be committed to recovery and he does not. Your Giver is eventually going to give out, and you're going to start resenting him.

And then there will be two resentful people in a marriage that needs to be recovered. I'm not seeing this accomplishing much.

He calls you his ex-wife? That is abusive and unfair to you. He's telling you to stick around for a year and maybe then he'll see where he wants to be, but in the meantime calls you his ex-wife?

You know what his plan is. What is YOUR plan? Can the two of you establish some rules regarding this 1 year moratorium on recovery? Can you list things to honor that will at least create some precautions in your M while this clock is ticking?

As in no more references to his "ex-wife". If he wants an ex-wife he needs to file for divorce. He doesn't have to be on board with recovery, but he doesn't need to be digging its grave, either.

I have decided to stay for the one year and do my best. I've been doing most of the housework, cooking, cleaning, helping him with his schooling, fulfilling his need for SF, etc. I am trying not to let the taker side take over but sometimes it is hard and that is when I just kind of isolate myself so I am pull myself together again as I recently just went through a down spell after 2 months of giving. I know that sounds bad but I didn't want to have AO or DJ because my taker side was taking over.

We have some rules, such as no pursuing relationships outside of this marriage even though it is broken. He is to try and spend time with me whether it is UA or not.

He is not willing to read even a sentence of anything. He will however just let me summarize it for him. He told me no lists, no questionnaires, no reading stuff, etc.

I agree, that is abusive.

Where is he getting his infidelity recovery wisdom from? Friends? Books?

What happens when you ask him to please not call you his ex-wife?

Are you spending time together now, just the two of you? And what are those times like? Is there any pleasure and joy, or is he sad/angry/pissy with you?

If you haven't already shared with him your EPs and hope and dreams for the future of your marriage, I would do so. Even if he seems reluctant to hear or read them, attempt to share them with him. Let him know what your action plan is to ensure you will never hurt him in this way again. Repeat.

I bet he'd read a sheet of paper you print out or hand write that has some important points highlighted.

Maybe you can have them laying around on the kitchen table or something.

Make sure the first one you print out is not the one on overcoming resentment. It sounds like he needs to fully embrace his pain first, and then eventually move on.

Has anyone besides you ever acknowledge the deep pain he's experienced from the A?

The first chapter of the SAA book discusses the heartbreak. I think it's helpful to have the depth of the tragedy acknowledged when you're feeling so full of despair.

He is not getting any wisdom from anyone.

When he calls me his ex-wife or soon to ex-wife I tell him I would prefer not to be called that as that is not what I am right now.He doesn't refer to me as that in front of me, it's mostly to other people which I don't know.

I think in the initial stages he talked to a few friends, but because none of them have experienced betrayal such as this they think it is easy to get over.

We spend most evenings together during the week, lately it's been 5-6x a week. We spend it alone at home either watching shows/movies, exercising, talking, games, puzzles, etc. Mostly the time we spend together is actually pleasant. We have no problems for the most part.

I do have some difficulties with him though. For example, he came home after drinking and told me we are not a couple and we don't do couple things. One of the things I wanted to do later this year was to take a short trip somewhere outside of this country together. He always tells me he will think about it in a cold tone. As well, if I am upset he seems to think SF will fix how I feel. I told him it doesn't but he doesn't believe it.

I shared with him a couple of times, back in Oct and end of Jan my EP, plans and goals for the marriage. After talking to Harley, I tried to get him to understand the why's of what happened. I told him it was that I failed to protect him and our marriage. It was not that he had done or not done something.

How much does he drink, L?

I'm surprised that no one found this a little off-putting? I'd be downright scared to be with someone who would think this way, and ask me to hurt another human being.

You've been married three years, he offers an open marriage, just decides right around the time you cheat that it might work and he will now commit?

Personally, I wouldn't try to win this one back. I don't know what his deal is, but his thought process is not right. I would run, not walk.

.

Puh-lease.

He "offered an open marriage" like they allowed gays in the military. She just didn't get the fact that at the time he answered "don't ask/don't tell" that he meant "I'm not Okay with it, but I'll tell you that I am to keep you."

Let's not drag this woman back to that point.

I was being sarcastic, hard to convey in the written word.

He is abusive. Period. Before the affair, and since.

He asked her to physically hurt someone they both used to care about. He is enjoying tormenting her with his weird rollercoaster ride.

.

Just woke up. TO martialbliss, he drinks once a week on average.

I am not sure his thought process but I do love this man and he does have his good points. When he goes dark it is scary but I think he does choose to not be that way.

Anyhow, I sent him an email with the following but when I asked him what he thought of it no reaction. I asked him what he thought, felt, any comments, etc...he said nothing. I found this and modified the list that someone else had posted for EP's.
"A) I will protect my spouse, marriage and his feelings, number one priority.
B) I will not participate in any one-on-one meetings with anyone of the opposite sex.
C) I will not discuss my personal marriage issues with anyone of the opposite sex.
D) I agree to use POJA as a basis for all decisions. (making decisions that we both are happy with, or at least on my side of the fence, not making decisions that will make you unhappy or where you feel like I am doing something wrong)
E) I will be open and honest with my spouse at all times about the past, present and future without being angry or disrespectful.
F) I will provide my spouse a daily schedule of all appointments at request.
G) I will trade phones with my spouse at any time he requests, no questions asked.
H) I will leave my phone accessible to my spouse anytime I�m home.
I) Anytime I have the thought, �I don�t want my spouse to know about��.�, I will let my spouse know immediately and tell them my thoughts.
J) I will make decisions/actions that does not cause my spouse unhappiness.
K) Anything else my spouse wants as a boundary.
L) If I find any members of the opposite sex attractive in any manner, I will cut all ties immediately.
M) I will not flirt with members of the opposite sex in any way, shape or form (talking or text messaging)
N) If a member of the opposite sex comments on my attractiveness in any form, thank them, move on and cut ties off with that particular person.
don't expect you to stick around after our year contract is up either but you have given me this time to show you that I will not hurt/betray you again. That is what I am doing. I just want the time we spend together during this time to be the best we can make of it and not have either one of us unhappier than we already are.

Just because we are not a couple in your eyes does not mean we cannot do things together either. When I want us to do something together I don't have the expectation that it will turn into something couple-like nor romantic or that it will fix things or make things better. It is more I just want us to enjoy each others company during this potential last year together and making the best of the situation."

I don't think he is enjoying the roller coaster ride. He can be nice to me when we are not discussing the affair, our problems, etc.
I asked him again about the list, he coldly told me you can do whatever you want. I don't care. Then after the shower, he was all nice to me again.

It's just all very confusing because I think he cares but refuses to open up to anyone at all...I mean he won't talk to his family, friends or to me about his thoughts and feelings nor a counselor. This just made him shut down more. Maybe I am reading into things but the divorce is not something he wants, he just thinks it's safer (who could blame him).

I don't really know what to do right now. .

I am sticking to my plan and such (plan a, got him to understand the whys). He has all the details about what happened. I told him several times it was not his fault it happened, that it wasn't due to unmet needs or unhappiness. He understands that I had an opportunity and took it. I tried to explain why I have the EP's in place, to protect him and the marriage. I told him he can see how well I follow through with them to see if my word actually means anything.

Basically, plan A. Also reminding him that I am not his ex-wife until we get a divorce. We agreed that we would not have a one night stand nor actively start another relationship. But before that he tried to give me the same stuff I got this summer (I don't care who, how many or when you sleep with people I just don't want to know about it...). I am accused of playing games at times because I am not direct about my thoughts or feelings but sometimes I feel like he is (maybe he doesn't know it but he does).

Sorry had to vent. I do realize this situation is something I brought upon myself.

Maybe I'm just harsh... but this, and your original "he wants me to hurt the OM" comment... just smack of



Is he a mafioso? Drug kingpin? A member of MS13 or the Hell's Angels? A terrorist? A spy?

I'll tell you what, I'm sure if I had the proper time fall on me, I would probably tell FWW I'd like to see her neuter the OM.

What, exactly, is his "dark side?" Huh? Is it something truly frightening, as in only an immoral person would be married to this man, or is it a convenient manner in which to garner some sympathy?

Please, be honest.

Beyond that, you ARE doing good.

I am not saying my husband is crazy or some constant immoral person. Sometimes he just wants to choose the "easy" path. Ex. a life of crime instead of earning honest money. This is why I keep pushing his school work as well, it keeps him out of trouble and at least if we separate he'll have something to work with.

And I can't exactly say that I am moral person.

In addition, I am just stressed. He is taking off for the weekend. Not a MB thing to do but I can't stop him. Plus inside, the past couple of weeks I have been a total wreck but slowly piecing myself together again. As well, last weekend we had seen someone who knows the situation and OM (the person hates OM as well). But Bh told me today he felt embarrassed to be seen together and about the situation:S really took a hit to my self esteem.

You are very vague on the harm he intends to do to OM. I don't know if that is on purpose for affect or what.

If you are talking about him beating up, minorly injuring the OM or hurting his property there are some on here that would say let him go for it. (I am not one of them but I see their point)

HOWEVER...you seem to be alluding to some sort of life threatening behavior in which case you have a moral and legal obligation to contact the authorities.

You also say your husband isn't "immoral" but discuss him dealing drugs or crime versus getting a job. Most would consider that pretty immoral.

I understand that you are a WW and feel that you can't sit in judgement of your BH and that is fine; however, if he is engaging in criminal behavior and you are aware of it, you are an accessory.

He absolutely has the right to leave you for what you did...harming others or engaging in illegal behaviors is not a right from being cheated on.

I agree. It sounds like he's plotting illegal activity that needs to be reported.

What is he planning?

I haven't read that people on this board condone violence. I have only read that people understand the motivation/desire to respond violently to adultery.

Violence is definitely not acceptable.

I'll post my email address so you can send me the OM's contact info, and I'll call the cops and warn them.

A BH shot and killed an OM in my state last week.

You have an obligation to step in here so such a tragedy is avoided.

You are to blame. Maybe BH isn't responding to your pleas, because he sees that you aren't taking 100% accountability?

As WW's we've got to take complete responsibility before any hope of recovery can be made.

Exactly what harm does it do for you to lay it out, rather than double-speak covering it up?

I can tell you exactly what I would do if I ran into my OM; I would take him down to the ground, and swing until someone or something stopped me.

Luckily, he lives 2 states away now.

So in that respect, I am not a moral person. I want a little just compensation on the other end of things... a little primal satisfaction, I guess.

I've pictured it, I've dreamt it... I've crossed my fingers for it every time I walk into the place I picture it happening.

However, I am saying that you really should think about being married to a man who prefers "a life of crime instead of earning honest money." He obviously does not get that his actions affect his family - for example you, and any children you have, or will have in the future.

He actually sounds kind of like a freeloader.