It takes awhile to go through withdrawal, certainly more than a week. The feelings most certainly will fade with time, especially as you focus your energies on reconnecting with your H and rebuilding your marriage.

The first thing you need to do is send a formal NC letter to your OM. This needs to be a very simple, straightforward letter telling him that you have chosen to work on your marriage and that you wish to have no contact with him at all for life. Have your H read and send the letter. There are sample NC letters on this site, though I don't have the links to them right now.

Are you FB friends?

Even seeing his picture or hearing his name will be a huge trigger, especially this early in the process. You need to maintain absolute and strict NC. Each time you have contact with the OM, it sets your withdrawal and recovery clock back to day one.

In your very first post you say this:


Then you say this:


This is the problem. Every time you make contact, you are resetting the clock back in your recovery. Does your BH know about your contact? If he doesn't, you're still not being honest with him, even though you've been in counseling for five weeks. You're in counseling under false pretenses.

Come clean with your husband. He has a right to know. Dr. Harley says there is a very narrow path for recovery and one of the first things that must be done is that contact with the OM must end FOREVER. Contact includes texting.

Yes. I missed this time discrepancy. If you have been in counseling for 5 weeks and have had contact as recently as a week ago.....your BH needs to know about this contact. And writer is right as well. No FB, no googling him, no looking at tagged photos of him, no asking anyone how he's doing, no reading old emails (they should be deleted after your BH has had the chance to see if he wants to). Remove any momentos, cards, etc.

Every time you think of him replace those thoughts intentionally. Begin making a gratitude list of things about your BH. If you are a person of faith, reading Scripture can do wonders - I went through the book of Psalms after D-Day. And if you haven't, read Surviving An Affair. It had a profound impact on me.

No. If you and your BH work the MB program, spend the minimum UA time together each week fulfilling the intimate EN's (in good marriages, Dr. H recommends 15 hours, but in cases where couples are struggling I've seen anywhere from 20-30 hours recommended), you will fall in love with your BH again.

And, if you spend some time on here reading the boards, pay close attention to the posts and threads of BH's. That will give you a good taste of what your BH is feeling. That that is the kind of pain you put your BH through. Any leftover feelings for the OM will fade pretty quickly in light of that.

You asked if there is hope to restore your M. Of course there's hope. There are many posters on this board who have successfully recovered their marriages. There are others, like yours truly, who have not. Some BS's cannot recover from the betrayal,the lies, and the abuse we WS's inflicted on them. But if your BH is willing to give recovery a try, give it your all.



Please follow princessmeggy's advice here. It will crush your BH even more to discover that he's been putting so much effort into recovering your M when the whole time you've been lying. I know from experience.

Yes, so we started the MB weekly sessions with Steve 5 weeks ago, thinking that I could get the OM out of my head and move on, without my spouse knowing anything of the affair. It wasn't working as I still had some contact with OM. However, a week ago yesterday, my husband found an email I had sent the OM and obviously exposed the affair. He left for a week and since returned, wanting to work on our marriage through continued efforts of working with Dr. Harley.

Wulfpack girl...would you be willing to tell of your story with the OM. It does me so much good to know that the feelings I am feeling are normal and routine for "affair-goers".

Ah now the truth comes out. Does your BH post here too?

Did you tell Steve Harley you were still in touch with the OM? And did he tell you to tell your H?

That would be about as helpful as an alcoholic reminiscing about drunkeness. It does nothing but keep you enmeshed in the tarpit. She has told the story of the disaster of her marriage over on the In Recovery forum, though. You can read her thread over there. She considers it the worst mistake she has ever made, I believe.

No, the BH doesn't post here. Also, a question I have, is how is it possible to have 20 hours of UA with small children in the home when both me and H work until 5 daily.

Yes Steve told me that I had to tell my husband and I couldn't do it.

While my wife was still in contact with OM through texting and phone calls, she would have emotional breakdowns and cry over many things that reminded her of him. It was a rollercoaster ride for sure. When she agreed to complete NC, her feelings for him started to lessen, even within the first few weeks.

Now that we are 4 months into NC, she is really embarrassed and remorseful that she made such a grave error in judgement. She has no emotional setbacks, and we are stronger now than we have ever been. My long ago A and her recent A has caused us to see the value in our M. Affair partners may as well be the devil in disguise. How is it that you can develop intense feelings for someone who will destroy you and your family?

My wife and I have learned from our A's that there is no man or woman out there who can meet our needs like we can for each other. We found a way to reconnect and make our M strong. It CAN be done. We are living proof. You must have complete honesty and respect for your spouse, and have a desire to meet all of each other's emotional needs.

It may sound like a tall task, but it really isn't. I can give you this warning though: Fifteen years later, I can still have a "flashback" about the OW if I hear certains songs that were played when we were together. There isn't any overwhelming feelings I feel for her, but songs cause a memory flashback that I can't control So for me, I avoid certain music.

The bottom line is that you can change anything you want about yourself in the present. If you are motivated to do this, you will alter the course of your future, and you can make your M stronger than even the best fantasy you may have experienced in your A.

You mean you wouldn't do it. But anyway ...

How many weeks into your phone sessions did Steve Harley learn that you had the affair?

I want to be sure we get this straight.

When will you be telling him?

Hi struggling, we have two kids as well so it can be a challenge to get the UA time in. If you need to, write it down or schedule it. Go over it with your husband, I'm sure you can agree on when good times would be.

Us, for instance, have lunch together every day so there's an hour. Then we set aside 1/2 hour (5:30-6:00) after supper and before the kids go to bed. We use a kitchen timer, set it for 1/2 hour and tell the kids they cannot come into our room until the timer goes off. Sure, they don't always follow the rules, but you do the best you can.

The kids are down by 8:00 and my wife is generally up until 9:30 or 10:00 so there's another 1.5-2hrs for a total of 3 hours or so per day on the weekdays. Add the weekends and it's fairly easy to hit 20 or more.

It just takes practice, and I admit that, at first, it's hard to do this when we had gotten so good at just being roommates and parents, but it really makes a difference.

After about a week or so it becomes more natural and you won't be sitting there trying to think of what to say. To help with that, try doing something together--making dessert, playing a boardgame, anything really.

Delta, Steve knew before my H and I started our sessions together. Melodylane, my husband found out last weekend.

Again, wisertoday, great information. I appreciated your honesty in admitting that you do still think of OW once in a while. My question for you, and please don't take this the wrong way, is how did you not affair proof your marriage after your initial affair? What happened between your and her affair that allowed hers to take place? Thanks again for your wise words.

Are you going to pay your husband back for the four or five counseling sessions he paid for that did no good because you chose not to follow the advice?