Hello all,

I came here for myself a few years ago thanks to a WW and an EA. We wound up divorced, but the support here was amazing and I came out of everything a stronger man, satisfied that I handled my troubles with class and that I'd kept true to myself and the love I had promised to this woman. So thanks for that!

Now I find myself in an entirely different bind and I'm not sure what to do, but I remembered this forum and hoped it might be a source of advice.

I have a very good friend who is single and does not date. She has been divorced about 3 years and I assumed she simply wasn't interested in that sort of thing right now. However, from time to time she lets little things slip and I have finally put all of it together.

I now believe she is the OW in an EA. She won't admit it and she mostly won't talk about it, but I'm certain in my reasoning. I want to support her and I want her to be happy, but I have trouble accepting this is the way to go about it. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but between my bias and her hiding things, I'm having trouble. I am also unsure if I'm letting my issues color my opinion.

I feel like I should help her, but I don't know where to begin. Any thoughts?

Have you considered just asking her?

I told her I put two and two together and that we are friends no matter what. (This is true - it brings up a lot of old pain for me and I hope she changes her mind, but like I said I want what's best for her.) Her responses are vague and non-committal. "Life is complicated and messy," that kind of thing. She doesn't want to admit it, and I can barely get her to talk about it at all.

She knows my history and doesn't "want to hurt me" or a mutual friend of ours that dealt with a WH/PA.

The fog is thick

Your fog. Would you understand if one of your xww's friends said this?

Her fog.

You're right, of course. The people that behaved this way with my xww lost my respect. The few that stood up and told her she was wrong became my friends instead of hers.

I admit I fear losing her as a friend. I know this fear is giving me pause.

I do want what's best for her. It's not this, is it? That's why I came here. So I could understand I wasn't wrong.

What can I do? I have no idea who the WH/BS are.

What you need to do is contact the WH she is cheating with and contact HIS wife!

You are saving A LOT OF peoples feelings here if you do this, if not it will only bring PAIN and lots and lots of it!!

I think our messages crossed in transit, but as I mentioned, I have no idea who either one of them are.

I am trying to do what I can to burst her make-believe bubble. I don't know if I'm getting anywhere. She's not a terribly open person in the first place, and much less so on this issue. I worry I'm pushing her away but I think it needs to be done even if that's what it costs.

What else?

Can you share some of the details about why you think this is an EA?

There have been many little hints that there is someone that she is interested in, and it's not working out between them. She has repeatedly made some comments that off-hand don't seem like anything much but that make more sense to me now in this light. She often refers to the fact that she is waiting for things to work out and that things will happen when it's time for them to happen, whether she's patient about it or not. She also has some things that are bothering her but she doesn't want to talk about them because she feels trust has been placed in her by someone else. I admit this seems tenuous. Even for me, this didn't really seem like anything until the rest clicked.

About a week ago she and I were having lunch and she ended up with a piece of food stuck in her esophagus. I wound up taking her to the ER, and as you may know their questions are quite comprehensive. Between those and some talking we did while she was still somewhat under the effects of sedation, I am certain she isn't having physical relations with anyone, let alone a PA with whoever this guy is.

Over this past weekend she made some comments that she had either done or was doing something that would negatively affect our friendship. I don't think she meant to let that slip (there was some drinking at the time), and backpedaled as quickly as she could. However, before she could do so she equated this situation as the same as whatever it is she is waiting for. I could not for the life of me figure out how her interest in some guy would make me anything but happy. Why would she hide it? What was there to it that I could possibly get upset about?

I recalled a conversation we had previously about being unfaithful. It's probably no surprise that I have a very strong stance on this. I remember thinking at the time that she was oddly defensive about it, even though she was clear that she never cheated nor had she been cheated on. Every case required its own separate judgment, shades of gray, something to that effect.

I concluded that an EA was the most probable way all of the above fit together. I told her that I put the pieces together and that I wouldn't judge her. I asked her to talk to me about it.

She didn't want to. She reiterated that trust had been put in her by another and that she couldn't share that with me. She spoke of the vagueness in the situation and not knowing what was to come. She spoke of not wanting to taint any of our opinions before things work out. She said that when things work out, she'll have explaining to do. She's worried because she doesn't want to hurt me or our mutual friend, a one-time BW.

The three of us are very close. We have the unfortunate distinction of each having failed marriages that the rest of our friends cannot particularly comprehend, and in that we found a great camaraderie. I can't imagine anything else she could do that we would pass judgment on her for. And although she didn't admit it, neither did she deny it.

I know I am making some guesses. But my gut is telling me I am right.