"I like the new Stretch 2.0. He has done a lot. I need to let him in and accept that its real... so I can allow myself to go back to being the kind of wife I was for the first ten years."

Complaining in Marriage

Dear Dr. Harley,

My wife says that she wishes she could talk to me about the things
she is dissatisfied with in our marriage, so they could be addressed.
But when she does talk to me about these things, I get frustrated
because it seems like she is never happy with me. The progress I
make doesn't seem to matter.

I often see her explaining what she is upset about as complaining and
only focusing on the negative. I don't often feel like she has
recognized the good things about us. I want her to be more positive.
I think she complains too much and does not see the good in some
situations. I want her perspective to change, but she doesn't think
she has to do something different to make this happen.

Thanks for your help.

R.D.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear R.D.

On average, women complain far more often than men, in both good and
bad marriages. But there is a difference in how the complaints are
received in those marriages. In good marriages, a complaint is
regarded as a problem to be solved with wisdom and compassion. In
bad marriages, a complaint is viewed as an unnecessary irritant --
something that should be either ignored or reacted to with anger and
disrespect.

Remember what a complaint is -- it's a reminder that you are losing
love units in your account in your wife's Love Bank. She is simply
giving you accurate information about the present state of your
relationship. While it may be discouraging to hear that you are
losing ground, to be kept in the dark about such losses would be
worse in the long run.

More than anything else, your wife wants to be in love with you, and
you want her to be in love with you. So to achieve that crucial
objective you must know when her love for you is being threatened by
behavior that makes her unhappy. If your marriage has any hope of
recovery, she must tell you how she feels about your behavior, and
you must make corrections to eliminate her negative reactions.

Your wife's high incidence of negative reactions simply reflects the
number of issues that have yet to be resolved in your marriage. If
you want her to be more positive, you must address those issues, and
eliminate them one at a time. You've had success in the past, and
she has been very encouraged when that happens. But when you seem
to be overwhelmed by it all, and tell her that she must learn to be
more positive, she feels hopeless because there remain many issues
that must be resolved if she is to be happy and in love with you.

The harder you try to become sensitive to your wife reactions, the
more successful you will become in doing what it takes to make her
happy. The more you try to avoid anger, replacing it with empathy
(an effort to try to understand how your wife feels without being
defensive), the more your wife will feel your care for her, and
that in itself will make massive Love Bank deposits.

Remember, all of your efforts on your wife's behalf make a
difference in the way you think and behave. You are rerouting
neural pathways in your brain that will make it easier for you to
care for her in the future. While it may seem like a lot of
effort now, in the future, it will be almost effortless to address
your wife's complaints, and solve her problems with compassion.

Best wishes,

Willard F. Harley, Jr.

The only things I complained about were stupid -- like housework or arguing about kids or not getting enough SF (boo hoo big dumb man baby). But now I am just learning to identify what it is that perhaps she could do (could have done 10+ years ago) differently. I didn't posses the awareness to identify and put that sort of thing into words before. So she has nothing to go on. Its up to me to uncover LB's.

She says, "I never claimed to be perfect. I am sure I made mistakes in M contributing to unhappiness." I guess that with work I may be able to lovingly figure some of those out.

(And that doesn't include the many, many mistakes made during the past 2 years during her A. Those mistakes are more clear, obviously.) But once we get past that (soon I hope... really soon) will I be able to lovingly help her become wife 2.0 version and examing and grow in ways only her life partner can know?

If you have the need for admiration, you may have fallen in love with your spouse partly because of his or her compliments to you. Some people just love to be told that they are appreciated. Your spouse may also have been careful not to criticize you because criticism may hurt you deeply if you have this need.

Many of us have a deep desire to be respected, valued and appreciated by our spouse. We need to be affirmed clearly and often. There's nothing wrong with feeling that
way. Even God wants us to appreciate Him.

Admiration is one of the easiest needs to meet. Just a word of appreciation, and presto, you've made someone's day. On the other hand, it's also easy to be critical. A trivial word of rebuke can set some people on their heels, ruining their day and withdrawing love units at an alarming rate.

Most of us want an honest relationship with our spouse. But some people have a need for honesty and openness -- it gives them a sense of security and helps them become emotionally bonded to the one who meets that need.

Those with a need for honesty and openness want accurate information about their spouses' thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities and plans for the future. If their spouse
does not provide honest and open communication, trust is undermined and the feelings of security can eventually be destroyed. They cannot trust the signals that are being sent and feel they have no foundation on which to build a solid relationship. Instead of adjusting, they feel off balance; instead of growing together, they feel as if they are growing apart.

Honesty and openness helps build compatibility in marriage. When you and your spouse openly reveal the facts of your past, your present activities, and your plans for the future, you are able to make intelligent decisions that take each other's feelings into account. And that's how you create compatibility -- by making decisions that work well for both of you simultaneously.

As long as a husband and wife are happy, the state of intimacy hums right along. But no one is happy all the time, especially when making sacrifices to make someone else happy. And when unhappiness is experienced by either spouse, the slumbering Taker is immediately alerted to the pain.

"What's going on? Who's upsetting you?" the slumbering Taker wants to know.

It can be a temporary lapse if your spouse is still in a giving mood and apologizes for the error (whether or not it's his or her fault). Your spouse may promise to be more thoughtful in the future or make a greater effort to meet an unmet need. The Taker is satisfied that all is well, and goes back to sleep, leaving the Giver in charge, and keeping you in the state of intimacy.

But what happens if there are no apologies? What if the damage is not repaired quickly? What if one spouse continues to be thoughtless or unwilling to meet an emotional need?

When that occurs, the Taker, mindful of all your sacrifices in the state of Intimacy, comes to your defense.

Reason would dictate that demands, disrespect and anger are not the way to resolve conflicts in marriage. But with the Giver and Taker as the only instinctive alternatives, reason doesn't play much of a role in marital problem-solving. Instead, mood is almost everything, and after a fight, most couples do not feel much like going back to the rule of the Giver.

So they leave the Taker in charge, and the Taker adopts a new approach. In the state of Conflict it's strategy is fight. But in the state of Withdrawal, it's strategy is flight.

When you're in the state of Conflict, your Taker tries to force your spouse to meet your needs, making demands, showing disrespect, and threatening your spouse with angry outbursts to get its way. But if that doesn't work--if your spouse does not meet your needs--your Taker suggests a new approach to the problem: Withdrawal. It tries to convince you that your spouse is not worth the effort, and you should engage in emotional divorce.

In the state of Withdrawal, spouses no longer feel emotionally bonded or in love, and emotional defenses are raised. Neither one wants to try to meet the other's needs, and both have given up on attempts to get their own needs met by the other. One becomes two. They are completely independent, united only in living arrangements, finances and childrearing, although they often have to keep up appearances for neighbors and friends.

Not to say that you're wrong to get defensive, hey, I don't blame you. Just saying what didn't work before won't work now and it's kind of tough to lower that defensive wall that's been in place for so long now.

My wife said the exact same thing, almost word for word, and I had the exact same reaction as you did. All I heard was someone putting the blame of the entire situation completely on me without accepting any of the blame themselves.

So it sounds like you (like I did) got your wife to drop the defenses and actually talk about what her issue and then you did the exact thing that caused her to have the issue to begin with. But, it sounds like you became aware of what happened, admitted what you were doing and she saw and complimented you on that? Good!

Keep "not-reacting" like that, and she'll start trusting you again and then you'll probably start trusting her with your feelings as well. Next time, try doing the exact opposite of what your old emotions tell you to do. If it helps, and when you think you might say the wrong thing, just shut up and keep quiet even though every fiber in your being is screaming to get your point across. And, if you're like me, ditch any negative facial expressions or rolling of the eyes. Your wife is probably equally convinced that she is right and that you are wrong.

Your turn to talk will come so take the initiative and try doing something different instead. Try to see the complaint from her point of view and ask yourself if you'd say or think the same thing if you were in her shoes. A little empathy goes a long way in making you feel like an idiot for causing your wife to not feel safe talking to you.

calling me OCD when I let a sink-full of dishes bother me,

is that residual fog and justification enabled by a MC who... doesn't know a good marriage from their own rectal cavity?

Seriously? This MC is going to sit here and say "Well, Stretch, if you were more attentive, she wouldn't have cheated!"

What your wife did all those years was sacrifice and, NO, it isn't right. I know of what she speaks.

After my affair, my husband was upset because it seemed liked he was making all the changes, and, quite honestly, he was.

Don't get me wrong, I have a lot to work on but most of it is inside myself. I was lying to myself and others to make myself look good and protect their feelings. I was non confrontational and such a martyre.

However, on the outside, I was doing it all right (until the time I betrayed my BH and my family). What I mean is, I was there for the meals, the homework, the activities. I went to church and paid the bills and did the grocery shopping and the laundry. I even made and froze meals and arranged activites for the kids the weekend I "went shopping."

So, on the outside, there isn't much for me to change. My BH has had to give up a lot and participate in things he never did before. I also think the hardest part is me requesting things of him that I never did before. It seems awkward and wrong in so many ways. Here I did this awful thing and now I'm telling him he can't go out with his buddies 3 nights a week....WHAT!

The fact is, it is difficult for him to deal with this new wife especially given what I did. I am trying to be fair and still let him know what I need. I haven't mastered it yet. Sometime I'm sure I come across sounding selfish. I don't want to be, but I need to let him know so we can work on it TOGETHER.

I realize now, I wasn't the perfect wife....self sacrifice is wrong and your taker will take over somehow, someway. I was not giving my husband credit for being able to handle the hard stuff. He didn't deal with any bad stuff but he also received no reward for the hard work. I took that from him.

I didn't have an affair because of what he did or didn't do. I had an affair because I had poor boundaries. I got my needs met elsewhere rather than "rock the boat" with him. The thing is, that wasn't my decision to make. I took that away from him.

Now you will have a new marriage. I know it is hard. There should be some compensation for what she did....maybe you should get a free pass on something BUT...that isn't how it works. You need to do the right thing because it is the right thing....it will never be fair or just or even. It just is.

So sorry for what you are going through and knowing that I did that to my BH and other men like him and you.

The only things I complained about were stupid --

like housework

or arguing about kids

or not getting enough SF (boo hoo big dumb man baby).

HHH- by the way. I really owe you one man for that great tip.
It was WOW! Fantastic. Incredible experience.
Thanks.

I am so ashamed she was unhappy and I did not notice. Even worse, she came to me periodically over the years and tried to tell me she wasn't happy. She really, really tried to hit me with a 2X4 several over the years. I was stubborn and refused to believe it or listen.

Depression has been a problem that I knew about before we were married. Guess how many books or articles I ever read about depression (or being married to a spouse with depression).... zero.

I never did anything other than whine about a messy house, or trouble with kids, or a messy minivan, or not enough SF or how hard my job was and I got no admiration (some truth, I could use more admiration -- and I am getting it now... I also am balancing work/life much better) and boo hoo I have to pay all the bills and the credit card debt is too high.

I am so ashamed she was unhappy and I did not notice. Even worse, she came to me periodically over the years and tried to tell me she wasn't happy. She really, really tried to hit me with a 2X4 several over the years. I was stubborn and refused to believe it or listen.

It is March 31 in Minnesota and we still have tons of snow on the ground. My front lawn has four feet of snow around the driveway. We should get some empathy from the Canucks posting on this thread.