A request is not a big deal. In most cases, it shouldn't be anything that would hurt someone. (If you are hurting, it's because you are including a disrespectful judgment or other abuse along with your request.)

Do you feel like your spouse SHOULD be doing what you are requesting? Then it's not a request; it's a disrespectful judgment, and of course it will hurt. Do you feel ENTITLED to what you are requesting? These feelings can turn your request into a demand.

Sure, you don't have a right to have all of your requests granted! But making the request itself? That should be so simple and innocuous that, assuming you both want to recover the marriage, it shouldn't be a question whether or not you have a right to make the request.

If both lovebanks are not being filled, there is no hope for romantic love.

Rather than "what right do I have" to tell the BS what you need, think of it as "What right do I have to keep vital information from the BS?" The BS needs feedback on how to fill your lovebank. Without it, he is lost in the dark. By withholding that information, you're not only depriving yourself, you are hurting your BS. You are depriving him of any hope for romantic love and a full recovery.

The OM made you feel special and accepted and so in love because it is a skill he has with women.
You
His wife
Any other who strikes his fancy to cross the line of cheating on his legally wedded wife.

There are men all over the planet with that attractive skill.

Doesn't mean they are really, truly how you percieve them to be.

Your H sounds like a keeper. A guy with potential to soar in all areas. He married you....wow! what a guy. He made that commitment to you. He looked the other way when he initially discovered the A to hope to ride it out and be with YOU.

He is for YOU. Really for you.

OM isn't. Never was. It was empty, cruel, hot/sexy ideas that were not true/real/worthy.

That is it exactly. I don't think I want it anymore. I don't think I honestly care for BH right now and doubt I can repair that hole.

I don't want OM either. I am hung up on the emotions and feelings I had, but he was never mine and never will be. I treated him badly and he did the same to me.

The only people I care deeply about right now are my children and myself. I don't want to hurt them or lose time with them, but I am stuck because I can't stop that from happening unless I stay with BH. And that isn't sitting well with me.

I am seriously considering that I am done. If I had a LB$ balance, then I should care even a little bit. I have nothing.

I would rather be alone. I never thought I'd say that. I have always thought that experiencing things with someone was better than going it alone. But now I am finding I don't want to include him in my life at all. I'd rather put up the wall and keep him out. I don't mind interacting in a "just friends" way, but anything else is terribly difficult, including UA.

I may not deserve better, but he does. And if I can't bring myself to put in the effort required to fix this marriage, I should do the honorable thing and end it. The kids won't get any benefit out of seeing us limping through in an unhappy and shell of a marriage.

I feel like I am finally being brutally honest with myself. My heart feels heavy (I am letting my kids down in a huge way), but my shoulders feel lighter.

Perhaps the first counselor I had was right all along. She could see through everything and knew I was done - I just didn't have the courage to see it myself.

Something about the way you keep mentioning OM makes me . It's as if, were OM to divorce his wife and call you on the phone, you'd toss your BH aside in an instant and return to your Fantasy Affair Land. This comment, and others about OM, make it clear you don't EXPECT anything from OM but you still WANT things from OM. You both dumped each other, you say? Really? Why are you back in this marriage?

Whatever baloney OM fed you when he dumped you, you need to stop believing. You were his 2nd choice, his nookie on the side, and he didn't respect you at all. Maybe he had a silver tongue, a silver wallet, or a silver member, but his heart sure wasn't silver. You shouldn't respect him a wit for the way he betrayed his own family, and YOUR family in such a selfish way. And he shouldn't respect you, and clearly didn't, for the way you lowered yourself.
I'm glad you see this.

Next step: Why don't you grab the nearest picture of OM, blow it up to life size and create a cardboard cutout of it? You can sketch in washboard abs, a debonair smile, and a bouquet of roses. Stand it up in your bedroom and tell POSBH that he needs to use you, then toss you out like a piece of trash the way marvelous DOM did, and then maybe you'll fall back in love with your hubby. I'm sure this will motivate him to be a better husband.

You are deeply, deeply foggy.

Don't fool yourself. If you really care about your kids, you wouldn't be considering shattering their whole world. You would be falling all over yourself to keep their whole world, their whole security, meaning YOUR MARRIAGE, together.

The only thing you really care about is you. That is why you had the affair. That is why you are throwing your hands up in disgust right now.



Don't use that excuse, either. He deserves to be in love with the mother of his children. If you walk away, it's because YOU are not willing to give him that.

Try to be a little more brutal. You are not wanting to do the work, and you're just giving up. You'll tear your childrens lives a part doing so, but at least you don't have to mend what you destroyed.

I am just giving up. I don't have it in me to fake it anymore.

I struggle with this myself. I would prefer to be alone.

My children would prefer their parents be married.

I can always get divorced but I can't always work on this marriage.

Instead of 4 months, give it 4 years.

Just focus on today...on things you enjoy. It really will get better.

Hey, sounds like a great idea.

Leave your marriage and scar your children. And then you can do the "step-dad-shuffle" because, well, they will probably end up deserving better either, and you won't be willing to work on it.

4 or 5 marriages down the road, maybe you will learn to stop running.

Maybe not.

Coward.

Do you know what your kids are going to think of you? You, their mother, who betrayed their father then just didn't have it in her to hold their world together?

I don't understand why you worry about whether or not you have the right to make requests of your husband,

but you don't worry about whether or not you have the right to give up. You just assume you have that right.

It seems to me that requests are little, and divorce is big.

It seems to me that if you think you don't have the right to make requests, you'd for sure assume you don't have the right to a divorce.

Yes, he deserves to have me be in love with him but no, I am not comfortable giving him that right now.

I don't like that I feel this way, but I can't lie about it. It is how I am feeling and am disappointed that I can't seem to get past it. "Just get past it" isn't a plan. The UA part of the program is not working for me. I am not expecting anything by osmosis, but I need another approach that works better for me. I can't do the UA until I commit. I don't know how to commit - that is the part I need to learn.

Well, this is true.


But this doesn't make any sense. Your Love Bank is not a device for telling you if you are done or not.

Your husband's balance in your Love Bank is empty, and it can be filled.

You are married to a goose who lays golden eggs that can fill it. Do not kill him. Feed him and take care of him.

You need to be a grownup.

You need to make a decision.

You need to stop gazing at your navel and looking for a sign that's never going to come.

You owe it to those babies you say you care about, and your husband, and even yourself to actually try.

And don't kid yourself. You haven't tried at all yet. And if you walk away at this point, no one will be fooled. It's not an act of caring or love or respect for husband or children. It's supreme selfishness.

You have an amazing opportunity in front of you. You have the gift of a second chance, and a willing spouse. And look at you. Walking away, because you might actually have to put some effort into it.

How would you know that something your haven't even tried doesn't work?

That's like finding out you have stage 1 cancer, and refusing to take chemo because you don't like the side effects, and then stating; that chemo drug isn't working for me.

Uh, duh?

ITA. You haven't even brought your H on board with recovery plans if you aren't sharing your needs with him. He's currently in the dark and guessing. Again, this is not fair to anyone.

Do you have to do everything you feel?


It's a good thing NOBODY is telling you to just get past it.

YOUR plan seems to be "just get past it and then do Marriage Builders."

The Marriage Builders plan is "do Marriage Builders and recover your marriage." There is no "just get past it."


You mean you don't like it, or you don't think you'll get what you want from it.

Don't lie. You said you can't lie about it. Don't lie to yourself.


You can do whatever you want, and it's clear that you will.

I agree with you all - I/we haven't fully committed to the program. Again, I feel like I need to commit in order to be true to the program, but without starting the program, how do I get the desire to commit.


How?


I am not disagreeing. There is a fine line between selfishness and self-preservation though. I feel like I am drowning and when BH doesn't look like a decent port in the storm for me, I need to do something else. Right now, it's either do the UA (which I am having a really hard time with) or leave. I am trying to find another option so that I can get myself to the point where I want to do UA.

Athena, following your feelings is what led to your decision to have a long-term affair... and look where that got you.

Your feelings betray you. Now you're going to give up on your marriage and your family because of your feelings? Haven't you learned that feelings change, and mislead you?