He wrote a no contact letter but I didn't get to see it. So I'm sure I wouldn't have approved of everything in it. He went with his dad to get his stuff and gave me his phone when he got back and said to delete if she sent anything. She didn't. We changed the phone number on his phone yesterday. He asked me to deactivate his facebook and email, so I did. They do still work together, he goes back to work tomorrow and I am worried about it. The job is a problem. The rest of his time is with us. Everything else is covered.

About the "seven" threads, that was super rude. If you don't want to read this thread, then don't.

Bwahahaha...that wasn't RUDE, it's actually rude to have a bunch of threads going ~ it mucks up the board. It's also to your BENEFIT to have only one thread going, you will get more advice because people won't get so frustrated trying to catch up on your threads. It's standard board policy to remind new posters to stick to one thread. It wasn't rude in the least, but your comment was funny so that's good.

Re: his job. It's non-negotiable that one of them needs to leave. That should have been one of your criteria in order for him to move back home. I've been through a false recovery and trust me, you don't want that.

One of them is going to have to leave the job. If POSOW won't, then your H will have to. NON-NEGOTIABLE.

My feeling is that when you are new in a new culture, the culture tells you what is rude, rather than you being the one to tell them they are rude. Different cultures have different standards. Most message boards I've been on, posters may start up lots of different threads. The culture here is different. The culture here is also OLDER, WISER, and more HELPFUL.

This is a good example of why it is BEST to stick to one thread. If I had gone back to read your first few posts and seen this was a workplace A, my advice would have been different.

One of them needs to leave the job, period. The NCL and other EPs are basically meaningless if they are seeing each other at work. The addictive thoughts and feelings are triggered and your H's w/d clock gets set back to Day 1, each time = NO RECOVERY is POSSIBLE.

Mehr, just ask the mods to merge your threads hon. It just makes it easier for people to help you. No offense was intended. We're rooting for you and your marriage!

I have no idea if you have been given this info in your other threads so just in case you haven't, please read:
Read my lips: No Contact means No Contact

WoW !

Best of luck to ya !

mehr.....rudeness is the least of your issues here! You must talk to your H about his work. How is he going to find a new job quick.
You will be lucky if he agrees to get another one somewhere else and you can stay in the same home.
You might need to move far to work on the marriage. Some married couples do that in order to have a chance to save their marriage and the family unit.
That your WH did not let you see the letter speaks volumes here. He is NOT serious about protecting you and the marriage. He is still cake eating. He is.
I am afraid this is just round one.
Hope not but be prepared.

Hey mehr,

The reasoning behind a single thread is so that people can remember your story. It's nothing insidious, just something for your benefit so that folks don't forget about you.

...unless you want us to forget about you, but then you wouldn't bother posting.

Otherwise, people don't remember what your story is and move on. Too, people won't get those nice email responses when a new post is added to your (old, unused) thread and assume that there is no news on your front.

So, if you want to bounce ideas off others, it's nice to stick to a single thread. The moderators can help you out with that.

Take care. Oh, and Scotland wasn't trying to be rude to you. Quite the contrary--she was trying to help you out. Ok?

You're off to a good start, but, yeah, that work thing is going to trump everything else. You already sense that, I imagine.

Thank you.

I won't stay off of your thread if I feel I have relevant MB advice to give you. One day, you may even thank me, or you won't. Either way, I will be helping you try to get your marriage on track and helping other lurkers who are too afraid to post.

So, number one thing you need to do is get your WH to agree to leaving his job. That should have happened before he was allowed to move back in, but since he has already moved back in, you just need to get him to agree to it now. If he doesn't, would you be willing to go into Plan B?

Don't set the bar for recovery low. You will be risking your marriage and your own happiness and sanity if you do.

Mehr, sometimes people start many threads because they are not aware how the board works. Sometimes people start another thread because of the possibility of the WS reading their thread and protect themselves.

Then there are some who start different threads because they don't agree with advice given and then stop posting and then start another thread when the next "crisis" happens hoping for "new advice".

You received so much great advice and refused to listen or believe in it. If you exposed you would not have to worry about the job situation.

I hope that you fall under the first 2 categories. Please listen to these good folks here. They know.

Mehr,

Good to know he's coming home, bad to know he's still working eight or more long hours of the day in close proximity to the posow.

And I wish and want the best and a great recovery for your M, but hope that my words dig in the back of your subconscious to the point that you see it is imperative that you expose this affair to the powers that be at work and end this destructive affair now and forever.

Seeing the ow at work is like dangling crack every day in front of a crackhead. One day he'll lower his boundaries and the affair will resume. It's not if, it IS WHEN.

Alot can happen in eight hours, or even in 30 minutes or a lunch hour if you know what i mean.

I would imagine it would be difficult to go to work WITH him, sit by him all day, and be his chaperone, so the smarter thing to do to prevent the affair from resuming is to make sure one or both parties associated with the affair are terminated and forever gone from the workplace.

My answer with regard to this situation will always be the same. Unless the affair has harsh, harsh consequences, like earning ability and the ability to pay for a mortgage, for kids, for family, then the affair and the marriage will both limp along until a divorce happens.

Please read up on the concept at MB of what is called extraordinary precautions. These are barriers you and your spouse put in place together as a team, to ensure that the chances of an affair ever resuming are little to zero. It has to be done and followed, especially since your husband is quite affair-fogged still and quite susceptible to falling back into the role of being like a crackhead junkie with the ow.

Agreed 100%. At first, I didn't expose and tried to let my wife end her affair with her co-worker on her own timing. After a "heart to heart", she made it about a week after "ending it" before resuming the affair with her co-worker. Trouble is, it took me another two months to figure it out because she/they had learned how to go even further underground.

She said she could handle it, it was over, and we needed the money. Trust her, she said. Without a doubt, it was the dumbest thing I ever believed. She just wasn't strong enough (no boundaries) and I sure as hell didn't make that mistake again.

Don't you do it either, ok?

here's another scenario that us, as women might understand.

Let's pretend you work in a shoe department at a high end department store and every day you go into work, you are confronted with a pair of gorgeous heels that you just lust after.

You don't actually buy the shoes, but each day entering work, you get secretly happy when you see those shoes. You think how great they'd look with an outfit, and you imagine wearing them.

It is only a matter of time that you use your employee discount to toss aside all your week's earnings as one day you're going to go and in a fit of shopping lust, purchase the shoes.

You are tempted by what you see each day. Kinda like the line from "Silence of the Lambs" when Jodie Foster figures out the motive of the killer and why he killed. He coveted what he saw EACH DAY.

And each day, for eight hours, and maybe during a long lunch hour, they will be in close proximity. One day he might want to have a "goodbye talk" with her over that lunch hour. It might even be with him wanting to really have an ending talk. But it might end differently, with them having a nooner instead. He will see her. He will remember what they have physically done together. She will see him and she will remember. She, the OW WILL COVET what she sees EVERY DAY AT WORK and Mehr, that would be YOUR HUSBAND.

Do you wish this to continue? Can you survive under this type of emotional pain each day? For each day you let this affair go on at work, it is like death by 1,0000 paper cuts. Each day as you kiss him and send him off to work, it will hurt. You will feel and know SHE is there. And you will imagine things like I wrote to you, and you will worry and experience sadness in silence.

Unless you choose to stand up and confront the affair at the heart of it, the workplace. Where they met.

You can do it.

I didn't get the latest replies until today, but I did get the ones from the first day after I made this, and I believed you that we are not in recovery until the job was gone and we were talking about him quitting the job today. But he just kept laying in our bed, clearly in a bad withdrawl. He left midday today to run an errand to his mom's house and sent a text message saying He is sorry for hurting me but he has to be with her.

So, he is gone again. I know that he loves me but she is newer and his feelings for her are more passionate. I am going Plan B now, he has had enough cake eating and his last memories of me will be positive and of me being very understanding about him being sad, and of me being encouraging and loving.

When he was with her, he missed us and loved us. But when he came home all he could think about was her and how happy he was with her.

I am just hurting and don't have the energy to do anything else. I have to figure out how to get a job with 4 small children, stuff like that....

[[[[mehr]]]]]]


Please put all of your focus into a dark Plan B. As you said, he is accustomed to cake-eating so it is just a matter of time before he comes to you for his "fix".

Do you have an IM? Has that IM read the training manual here on MB? Have you blocked all of the ways that he may try to contact you?

Curiosity did you ever expose the affair to workplace and friends? I believe in MB principles but the exposure thing I am having second thoughts..I feel in my case it brought her and OM closer...whereas before she was nice and empathetic kind of toward what I was feeling, it was completely gone after that...exposure drove her to file for divorce and experience hatred for me...that continues 3 months out..the workplace exposure is all she focuses on really

Here, read THIS on how to Plan B correctly.

Don't worry about finances right now, put it in your addendum that he is still responsible for finances, even though he will not be living at home.

I also suggest you re-expose (assuming you exposed in the past), nuclearly this time.

You need to expose to their work, his family, her family and all of their friends.

This is exactly why they cannot work together. Put it in your PBL that you will not even consider recovery unless he quits his job (or she does).

(((hugs)))

I went through a FR too and I also had 4 young children. You will be ok, but please listen to the advice here. You can get into a dark Plan B quickly but you need to focus and work hard.

Are you good at following a plan?

mehr, don't just pop in and give updates. OK?

MF has been where you are and KNOWS what she is talking about! Open up a dialogue with her and let her help you! You are going to need a ton of support...

Hang in there!!