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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted by MrNiceGuy
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Do you think with consistency that she'll start seeing I mean it and perhaps be more grateful in return?

Absoultely... As her love bank fills and you plug all the holes in it by stopping the LB's Then eventually you will pull yourself out of the negative love bank balance and back into the positive .. and eventually start gaining interest on your investment! But you gotta get "out of debt" so to speak. When she sees your consistancy (like i previously mentioned pages ago) and you dont drain the Love bank with some sort of love buster (whatever she describes them as) then you will be well on your way to having her fall deeply in love with you again.

I myself am really only a few months into what I would call recovery (no real infedelity tho thank god) And we are unwinding the downward spiral we were on and the rollercoaster I was on is finally coming to a stop and we can get back on the merry go round lol. But I took since 2007 (not consistantly tho unfortunatley as I struggled with love busters alot and so did my wife)

Your doing great Hilltopper! Put a smile on your face .. and let it all roll off your back and continue being consistant in EN meeting for your wife even if shes not meeting yours ... she eventually will.

p.s. did you see my post on how to quote? Make sure your reply is after the [/quote ] command

When you say "no real infidelity" are you referring to your own situation or mine? I explored it but I don't think there is any infidelity of any kind, emotional or other. I'm trying not to be so needy and insecure so I'm heading out to watch baseball with a buddy which I stopped doing in an effort to force the issue with her each night! I also called her good friend so that she could go out Thursday night for some fun as well. I think she was into it smile which is awesome! She used to be that person in the relationship which makes is so strange the tables have flipped wouldn't you say! Do you mind, without telling me the details, what things you see in your marriage that I have to look forward to and day dream about? I'm pleased that you are in recovery and great stories I think would do wonders for me.
This is the first post that I can find that mentions the possibility of infidelity in Hilltopper's marriage, and it is Hilltopper who mentions it. In his next post he goes to to say that he spied on her phone.

What did I miss? Hilltopper, why did you blast this board for causing the outburst you directed at your wife?


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
I'm definitely messed up from this forum. My marriage is infinitely worse after following the advice of some of you in here. I basically told my wife for the second time that I don't trust her, she hates my guts for it.

Thought you would find this interesting, Hilltopper:

"I don't trust my wife completely and she doesn't trust me, and that's why neither of us have ever had an affair. Lack of trust does not make spouses paranoid and miserable, it makes their marriages safe." Dr. Willard Harley

And he talks in the infidelity video (on the home page here and on youtube) about a lady that was upset with him for making her paranoid after reading his book "His Needs Her Needs How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage"... He basically says that you SHOULD be worried about an affair because unless you are protecting against one (boundaries, transparency, having an integrated lifestlye, meeting each other's ENs, etc) you WILL be the victim of an affair.

If your M is not in a good place and you are lovebusting each other, now you can't really blame that on us, can you? You two need to own your actions and lovebusters and get them under control...not blame them on other people.

anyway, hope you two will stick around. I think the MB forums are awesome and could really help you! Good luck!

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Originally Posted by kilted_thrower
Well, good luck to you then.
And many of us on here haven't had infidelity just not great marriages that we have used MB to make them great marriages. I haven't had infidelity in my current marriage and at one point was dealing with a lot of the same issues you are. Not anymore.

Regardless if you think there's infidelity or not, you're going to get resentful about your needs not being met and it's going to poison the marriage. But that's up to you if you keep allowing yourself to be a doormat. A doormat=she basically does what she wants, says what she wants, and dismisses how you feel or what you need and you support it while you're just meeting her needs.

I agree and I am resentful of my needs not being met, my wife knows this and will no doubt read this which is fine. All I can do is speak from the heart and let my wife know how I feel. I thought a lot about replying to these posts and although I have a part of me that wants to "keep the peace" and not offend her, I know the right thing to do is just be honest and see if we can come to some agreements on what is important in meeting each other's EN's.
I don't think my wife treats me like a doormat and does whatever she wants, I do however think that I neglected her EN's for so long during the first part of our marriage that she had to find alternate sources to find them. That would be her friends, running, etc. She is running right now in fact, but she let me cuddle a bit with her this morning before she left so its a small victory. She gave up wanting to meet my EN's but I really think I started it! smile Either way we know where we stand and although it will be a lot of work I am excited at the possibilities.


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Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
I'm definitely messed up from this forum. My marriage is infinitely worse after following the advice of some of you in here. I basically told my wife for the second time that I don't trust her, she hates my guts for it. It probably wasn't even fair. I believe in many of the principles here and I think there are parts of me that have improved after reading the book. I DO NOT however believe that I'm better off after interacting with many of you. The problem is your own experiences taint the advice that you give. I went from trusting my wife 100% to accusing her of cheating within a month of being here? You can be offended if you want, I don't give a crap. I just can't do this anymore so I'm not gonna read here anymore, sorry. I'll read your replies, no doubt many of which will tell me otherwise, but I'm not gonna throw away my marriage because someone tells me that get keylogger software and to record my wife's phone calls. I'm sorry you or some of you had infidelity issues but that is not the case here. Best of luck to you all.

Steve, Dr Harley, if you read this great, I hope you do. I'm sure you enough experience in helping marriages where my comments likely won't effect you and that is fine. You do however need to be aware of what's going on here in an open forum, ok?


Um...

Who told you to march up to her and tell her "I don't trust you!"

?

Really?


Anyone?

Did anyone here tell you to confront her because you found out she changed her underwear before she went running?

?

No?

Anyone?


Nobody here told you to puppy dog her, and confront her at every turn. That is what you decided to do on your own. That was NOT the advice you were given.

Nor would it be to install spyware on her phone, and then question her about every phone call after you hear it, which is what you would seemingly do, and then blame the board for giving you the advice.

So begins the same post many posters previous to you have made; it just ain't happening guys, you are wrong!

Within the next year, it will be "I'm back guys, and you were RIGHT!"

Which is too bad, because there will be a lot of wasted time in between.

I'm not gonna justify that response. Read the entire thread, you can see some very clear cut advice to "get snooping" among other things.


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Hill, I can't find what you're talking about. Regardless, snooping on an emotionally distant spouse is never a BAD idea. You're just supposed to keep quiet about it instead of blowing up and accusing them of things you are merely suspicious about. I don't know how you approached it, but if my H asked me why I'd put on clean underwear, I'd simply tell him.


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Originally Posted by kilted_thrower
tgrace, what we have been feeding him is getting you two to try and implement meeting each others ENs and getting rid of the LBs and spending some alone time together.

If you would read through this thread you would see that he is trying to become a better husband but is becoming resentful in teh marriage because he feels neglected, disrespected, and unimportant.

It seems as though you don�t feel his needs are important because they are not your needs. Yes, sexual attention and affection are needs�and they are important because he cannot go anywhere and get these needs taken care of without cheating. Essentially he is starving and you have the chance to feed him.

Saying that he won�t get sex because of this and that is using sex as a tool and a weapon.

How would you feel if he said, �you know, because of the way you acted the last two days, I�m not watching the kids so you can go on your runs or exercise� You would feel hurt and upset.

The goal here is simple. You two meet each others needs, stop irritating each other (love busters), and get in some alone time. Yes I know you have young children�most of us do. And the alone time is doable.

And, yes, we are only getting one side of the story. It would be nice if you posted here so we could get the whole story.

Well said Kilted. I can't get my needs filled elsewhere and frankly I don't want to. I do feel neglected and I think not only are my needs no respected by my wife, I think there is a lot of society in general that feels husbands should feel wrong or guilty for wanting sex from their wives, no?

Alone time is tough with three kids but I'm committed to making this happen. My wife and I had a discussion about EN's getting met more quickly. I think there is a disconnect here. I see stopping LB's and meeting each other's EN's as something you do immediately because we both have the ability to. Feelings of deep love will come later of course, but for now we both can make a conscious choice to do what is necessary right? I'd like some input here from anyone about the subject.


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Originally Posted by tgrace1328
Ok so I will say some of my comments are insulting I have to admit. And sometimes there are just not appropriate times for sex and sometimes the bottom line is I'm tired from being a "boob machine' and waking up all night with the baby. I don't with hold sex from him, but if we fight it is a turn off and sex doesn't happen. I'm not into the make up sex. By the way I've only said 'hop on once and I wasn't in the mood.' And the cuddle comment was last night with a too much wine stomach ache (which he says is just an excuse)We just need to do nice things for each other and the sex will follow and I know I need to make more of an effort.
We have never been jealous of each other and definitely give each other space to go and hang out with friends. I have never questioned my husband on going out for beers and in fact I encourage it and he used to go out once or twice a week with his closest friend until he just recently moved.
For you to suggest I shouldn't be able to go on a run is inconsiderate. I make sure I go early and get things ready for the baby so I don't disturb his day or morning. Running is my own selfish time in the world to just have a clear mind.
I could go on and on for a tit for tat but that wouldn't get me anywhere. There is always another side you are not hearing as to why things are going in the wrong direction. I just didn't decide to be mean to my husband one day and continue. I love him very much and will make an effort.
I think you guys should be giving suggestions how to fix things not suggesting that affairs are going on!!!!!

My wife IS withholding sex from me, she said this was just a typo so I needed to point that out, not to have anyone take sides, but because it is relevant to the meeting of EN's that is all. On the flip side I've admitted to intentionally not meeting her EN's specifically because I felt an inequity which is just as wrong and selfish. I can see "running time" being your own time and I'm ok with it. What I'm not ok is with the argument from my wife that she "doesn't have time" to do this frequently. If she has time for running and a variety of other things then she has time for me, she just chooses not to. We discussed this last night as well and I think she knows how I feel about it. On top of that I've never had a problem with any of her activities and I will likely get behind her a lot more with them if and when many of my EN's are met, you know?


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Originally Posted by tgrace1328
PS I started reading marriage builders and took a week off. And I only just recently asked about counseling. Our major problems in my opinion have just recently started (pretty much when the baby arrived) And the reason I asked about counseling is he is very hard to speak or argue against and I can't always put all my thoughts together or communicate them properly. I will give marriage builders a try.

This is true, I debate well and my wife not so much. It is a big reason communication can be so tough. All she needs to know is that I don't ever mean to make her feel silly or bad about herself while discussing anything. She has said countless times that I make her feel stupid with my tone. I'll be honest I have a hard time seeing it, but the fact that she says it means its there one way or another. I can work on this more with immediate feedback when it happens I think.


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Originally Posted by kilted_thrower
No one said you shouldn't be able to go on a run. However, when the two of you are having issues scheduling quality/alone time together, that's where the emphasis should be.

And I totally get it. I do my running/exercising early in the morning before anyone is up or late at night after everyone has gone to sleep. But if my wife and I never or very rarely had any alone time together and I was out exercising, she would feel resentful and wonder why I can make time to exercise but I can't figure out time for the two of us to spend time together. The key here is to schedule time together for the two of you and then schedule everything else.

And we don't believe that this is one sided at all. Both spouses are 50% responsible for the state of the marriage. He's just as accountable as you are for meeting needs, eliminating love busters, and scheduling the alone time.

Thanks I made this point earlier. Alone time is tough, but not if we make it a priority in our lives. If it becomes a priority it WILL happen.


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I want to reread what you wrote. She LET YOU cuddle for a few minutes and now she's off running. This is what I call living off crumbs. This is her putting her selfish wants before the marriage.

I will say that I'm very fitness minded. I applaud those that keep fit and healthy. However, here is key time that you two could have that alone time talking, touching, cuddling, loving each other.

So she�s out running while you�re sitting wishing she�d spend more time with you. More than likely you�re going to hate it when she goes on those runs and it�s going to become a source of conflict. And what happens if you decide you want to do something at 5am for yourself? Then what? Then you two have a big fight about who gets to do what because you both feel entitled. I used to run off and play indoor soccer. However this was taking time away from my wife and from our time to connect together. When she brought up that she wished I�d stay home to hang out with her, I�d get mad. The problem here is I wasn�t looking to accommodate our marriage (POJA)�the marriage wasn�t a priority. I mean, I was just going to go and play an indoor game for an hour�what�s the big deal?! After I/we got on board with both of us looking at what we can do to improve the marriage, one of the things I had to do wasI change my indoor soccer playing time to really late at night on the nights she had been working long shifts and would be passed out and I�d be sitting on the couch doing nothing. So I changed my recreational activity time to one that didn�t take away from time for us.

Here�s what I would do tonight. Both of you tag team and get the kids in bed together (my wife usually bathes them while I clean up the after-supper kitchen mess). Then fill out the lovebusters sheets and discuss them together. Be honest with each other. Do not get mad at what the other person says�how they feel is how they feel. It is what it is; it isn�t right or wrong. The purpose is to stop doing things that irritate each other. But if one of you or both of you get mad about what makes the other person mad, it defeats everything. Then if you have time fill out the ENs stuff and discuss that. And finally schedule your 15-20 hours of alone time together.

The solution is for both of you to jump in this head first. I know you�ve heard it before but call Steve Harley at least for a couple sessions.


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Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
Originally Posted by tgrace1328
Ok so I will say some of my comments are insulting I have to admit. And sometimes there are just not appropriate times for sex and sometimes the bottom line is I'm tired from being a "boob machine' and waking up all night with the baby. I don't with hold sex from him, but if we fight it is a turn off and sex doesn't happen. I'm not into the make up sex. By the way I've only said 'hop on once and I wasn't in the mood.' And the cuddle comment was last night with a too much wine stomach ache (which he says is just an excuse)We just need to do nice things for each other and the sex will follow and I know I need to make more of an effort.
We have never been jealous of each other and definitely give each other space to go and hang out with friends. I have never questioned my husband on going out for beers and in fact I encourage it and he used to go out once or twice a week with his closest friend until he just recently moved.
For you to suggest I shouldn't be able to go on a run is inconsiderate. I make sure I go early and get things ready for the baby so I don't disturb his day or morning. Running is my own selfish time in the world to just have a clear mind.
I could go on and on for a tit for tat but that wouldn't get me anywhere. There is always another side you are not hearing as to why things are going in the wrong direction. I just didn't decide to be mean to my husband one day and continue. I love him very much and will make an effort.
I think you guys should be giving suggestions how to fix things not suggesting that affairs are going on!!!!!


This board operates on the story of the one present.

If both are present, they are encouraged not to post on each other's threads.

Jealousy is a natural response to a marriage that is in a state of crisis or threat, not a problem.

Transparency, and checking on spouses is defending a marriage, not "being jealous" or "being controlling."

"Giving each other space" creates independence, which is harmful to the marriage.

You are here now, so get this; this program is about creating romantic love and an interdependent relationship.

It is not just for couples who have or are experiencing infidelity, and in those cases, may help avoid it in the future.

You two are at the tip of the slippery slope which leads to marital meltdown, and "marriage counseling" won't do much to fix it. In fact, a lot of these "counselors" empower one spouse or another into the very behavior that will DESTROY a marriage every single time.


You won't find people here encouraging, or preaching tolerance for abusive or independent behavior.

You both have some work to do.

Wow this might be tough to hear for my wife. Independent behavior can definitely harm a marriage, I never thought of it that way. I admit that my wife probably began doing other things in response to me not fulfilling her EN's during the first part of our marriage. Although her instincts tell her that she "needs" to do this stuff, I think the plan here is to minimize it and focus on getting some Undivided Attention with each other asap! In my book this means focus on us first and when appropriate and there is time left then run or whatever, not the other way around.


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
If she were enthusiastic about having sex with you, this would not be a problem. Women need 2 things to feel enthusiastic about sex, an emotional attachment to the man and the prospect of enjoyment. What has happened in your marriage is that your relationship has been given such a low priority in your lives, that you have both fallen out of love. With her lovebusters and your comments about her body, I see that spiralling downwards.

The 2 main areas I would address immediately would be 1. lovebusters and 2. spending 20+ hours a week of UA time. If you can't or won't do that, then this will never work. Period. I know its hard with little children, but many folks here manage to get in their UA time with careful planning.

Nagging your wife about sex is not the solution, though. The solution is for both of you to fall in love again.

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"First I fix the relationship, and nine times out of ten, sexual problems disappear, with or without unresolved childhood experiences. I spend very little time fixing sexual problems these days because most couples I counsel don't have sexual problems after they have learned to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement." here



And I would strongly advise your wife to get on board here, HT. I don't think she understands that she is losing her husband. And if she doesn't do something to stop this bloodbath, she is headed to divorce.

Do you hear me, grace? You think you are getting away with mistreating your husband, but you are not. He is almost at the point where he has given up. When that happens, it is VERY HARD to turn it around. Do you want to be a single woman raising all those kids and holding down a 60 hr a week job? When a wife works this hard to push her husband away, she will eventually succeed. Think on that..

Melody,

I'm not sure what comments about my wife's body you are referring to you. I can assure you this is not a problem, I think my wife and her body are incredibly sexy as do others! Its not a matter of opinion of my wife being attractive or not! smile

In regards to your comments about my wife getting away with mistreating me and stopping this bloodbath, that is friggin intense. This is not a "see I told you so moment" for me to point out to my wife. I just think it makes it that much more real to have an outside perspective on what is going on. I've given up many times already and I'm scared that one day I won't want to pony up again, in fact terrified. I don't think my wife is "working hard at pushing me away" is she? That doesn't make any sense, why in the world would she want to do that?


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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Quote
I'm definitely messed up from this forum. My marriage is infinitely worse after following the advice of some of you in here.
Hilltopper, I'll bet if you look closely you'll see that the issues in your M are no different than before. You're just starting to confront them with your wife.

Quote
I'm not gonna throw away my marriage because someone tells me that get keylogger software and to record my wife's phone calls.
How do you figure this would cost you your marriage? My H can do all of that and more. He could follow me around with a tape recorder and I wouldn't care. He could hire a PI and I would drive slow enough to keep the PI close when he's tailing me. I couldn't care less if my H wanted to confirm that his trust in me is not misplaced. Do you think your wife can say the same things?

Quote
The problem is your own experiences taint the advice that you give. I went from trusting my wife 100% to accusing her of cheating within a month of being here? You can be offended if you want, I don't give a crap.
No offense taken, Hilltopper. And yes, my experiences absolutely taint my consciousness now. Thank God! I'll never go back to the blind way things were before.

You sound exhausted and overwhelmed, Hilltopper. I'm sorry to hear that. Take a breather.

I agree with you actually now that I think about it. The problems are coming to a head because I'm forcing the issue. Yes it is uncomfortable for both of us but I don't think anything would get resolved had I not explored this all. As I've said before this doesn't make me less culpable in the marriage for where it is today and in fact doesn't really matter. We are here now and that is all that matters.


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted by MrNiceGuy
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Do you think with consistency that she'll start seeing I mean it and perhaps be more grateful in return?

Absoultely... As her love bank fills and you plug all the holes in it by stopping the LB's Then eventually you will pull yourself out of the negative love bank balance and back into the positive .. and eventually start gaining interest on your investment! But you gotta get "out of debt" so to speak. When she sees your consistancy (like i previously mentioned pages ago) and you dont drain the Love bank with some sort of love buster (whatever she describes them as) then you will be well on your way to having her fall deeply in love with you again.

I myself am really only a few months into what I would call recovery (no real infedelity tho thank god) And we are unwinding the downward spiral we were on and the rollercoaster I was on is finally coming to a stop and we can get back on the merry go round lol. But I took since 2007 (not consistantly tho unfortunatley as I struggled with love busters alot and so did my wife)

Your doing great Hilltopper! Put a smile on your face .. and let it all roll off your back and continue being consistant in EN meeting for your wife even if shes not meeting yours ... she eventually will.

p.s. did you see my post on how to quote? Make sure your reply is after the [/quote ] command

When you say "no real infidelity" are you referring to your own situation or mine? I explored it but I don't think there is any infidelity of any kind, emotional or other. I'm trying not to be so needy and insecure so I'm heading out to watch baseball with a buddy which I stopped doing in an effort to force the issue with her each night! I also called her good friend so that she could go out Thursday night for some fun as well. I think she was into it smile which is awesome! She used to be that person in the relationship which makes is so strange the tables have flipped wouldn't you say! Do you mind, without telling me the details, what things you see in your marriage that I have to look forward to and day dream about? I'm pleased that you are in recovery and great stories I think would do wonders for me.
This is the first post that I can find that mentions the possibility of infidelity in Hilltopper's marriage, and it is Hilltopper who mentions it. In his next post he goes to to say that he spied on her phone.

What did I miss? Hilltopper, why did you blast this board for causing the outburst you directed at your wife?

Yes you are missing something Sugar. I was confused by his comment about infidelity and thought he was referring to my situation when he was really referring to his own, that is all. I'm not blasting the board about the decisions I made all on my own to investigate infidelity at all, that was my doing. What I'm concerned about is a fairly quick jump from an unhappy marriage to a possible affair. You all have more experience than me, I took the advice, and checked it out. I think the jump to infidelity if nothing changes after a few months might be more appropriate is all.


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Originally Posted by kilted_thrower
I want to reread what you wrote. She LET YOU cuddle for a few minutes and now she's off running. This is what I call living off crumbs. This is her putting her selfish wants before the marriage.

I will say that I'm very fitness minded. I applaud those that keep fit and healthy. However, here is key time that you two could have that alone time talking, touching, cuddling, loving each other.

So she�s out running while you�re sitting wishing she�d spend more time with you. More than likely you�re going to hate it when she goes on those runs and it�s going to become a source of conflict. And what happens if you decide you want to do something at 5am for yourself? Then what? Then you two have a big fight about who gets to do what because you both feel entitled. I used to run off and play indoor soccer. However this was taking time away from my wife and from our time to connect together. When she brought up that she wished I�d stay home to hang out with her, I�d get mad. The problem here is I wasn�t looking to accommodate our marriage (POJA)�the marriage wasn�t a priority. I mean, I was just going to go and play an indoor game for an hour�what�s the big deal?! After I/we got on board with both of us looking at what we can do to improve the marriage, one of the things I had to do wasI change my indoor soccer playing time to really late at night on the nights she had been working long shifts and would be passed out and I�d be sitting on the couch doing nothing. So I changed my recreational activity time to one that didn�t take away from time for us.

Here�s what I would do tonight. Both of you tag team and get the kids in bed together (my wife usually bathes them while I clean up the after-supper kitchen mess). Then fill out the lovebusters sheets and discuss them together. Be honest with each other. Do not get mad at what the other person says�how they feel is how they feel. It is what it is; it isn�t right or wrong. The purpose is to stop doing things that irritate each other. But if one of you or both of you get mad about what makes the other person mad, it defeats everything. Then if you have time fill out the ENs stuff and discuss that. And finally schedule your 15-20 hours of alone time together.

The solution is for both of you to jump in this head first. I know you�ve heard it before but call Steve Harley at least for a couple sessions.

Ok maybe I was keeping the peace. My wife will likely reply with a "whats the big deal" so be it. I want to make an immediate change in our lives to spend as much time together as possible period.


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Ok maybe I was keeping the peace. My wife will likely reply with a "whats the big deal" so be it. I want to make an immediate change in our lives to spend as much time together as possible period.

Women don't respect men that just keep the peace. You need to let her know exactly how unhappy you are. That you want a better marriage...a great marriage. That you want to become a great husband.

Let her read through the rest of this thread. Then ask her to create her own thread. It really helps when we have both the husband and hte wife posting seperately.


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
In regards to your comments about my wife getting away with mistreating me and stopping this bloodbath, that is friggin intense. This is not a "see I told you so moment" for me to point out to my wife. I just think it makes it that much more real to have an outside perspective on what is going on. I've given up many times already and I'm scared that one day I won't want to pony up again, in fact terrified. I don't think my wife is "working hard at pushing me away" is she? That doesn't make any sense, why in the world would she want to do that?


Are you saying that her lovebusters along with the fighting is drawing you CLOSER? How would you characterize it?


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She's prob not intentionally pushing you away. But her continued behaviors and actions are pushing you away.

It'd be good if she posted her because we'd see both sides of the fence.


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Originally Posted by kilted_thrower
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Ok maybe I was keeping the peace. My wife will likely reply with a "whats the big deal" so be it. I want to make an immediate change in our lives to spend as much time together as possible period.

Women don't respect men that just keep the peace. You need to let her know exactly how unhappy you are. That you want a better marriage...a great marriage. That you want to become a great husband.

Let her read through the rest of this thread. Then ask her to create her own thread. It really helps when we have both the husband and hte wife posting seperately.

Just told her now that I "stewed" at her running for 2 and 1/2 hours while I sat here with the kids. She told me "we'll spend time together then fine!" Hardly the attitude of someone that really wants to. She told me I was the cause of her not wanting to spend time with me. This is friggin bad news man, she displays behavior of not being will to do what this takes for one reason or another. Melody Lane is right, the way this is going she is gonna push me away until I leave her, she'll be in an apt with all three kids that I visit, etc. But hey, at least she won't have to deal with me wanting a better relationship, what a pain that is! What kind of a selfish jerk am I for wanting a better marriage? I'm gonna be honest at every point of this day and every other day. Its gonna be rough because I have issues with how she treats me pretty much all day. There is no concern for husband in this relationship at all. A couple of kisses and a peaceful day yesterday isn't enough for her to leave me with the kids for 2 1/2 hours this morning on a run. Its my fault for telling her that I thought she shouldn't go. Its also my fault for not telling her it was ok to go to bed cause she was tired and not read the workbook. I was honest with her just now and she looked at me like I was an alien. I told her I didn't care about anything else we do as long as we get to spend time together while the kids are all napping, reading this forum, talking, cuddling. Her attitude was clear, SHE DOESN'T WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH ME! She'll do it to keep the peace but unless I initiate or force the issue it simply won't happen. I hope she reads this and I hope she does her own thread, and I hope she takes this deadly serious because I'm not messing around anymore. She can learn how to meet my EN's and stop the LB's and I mean like today or I see no future for us at this point in time.

Last edited by Hilltopper1972; 04/17/11 01:36 PM.

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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
[She told me "we'll spend time together then fine!" Hardly the attitude of someone that really wants to. She told me I was the cause of her not wanting to spend time with me.

That is a good start! You can start by asking her what it would take to make you more enjoyable? Are you unpleasant to be with? Ask her what she would like to do the most when you are together. Ask her what you can do to make your time more enjoyable. This is the kind of open, honest communication that will help you both become more attractive to spend time with.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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