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Someone please HELP!
I have no idea what my husband wants from me in the sense of affection. I stayed extremely calm this morning and held in my AO and an emotional breakdown.
Without giving a run by run play. We had a great night. I showed him affection verbally and physically cuddled. We went to bed early. And this morning he expressed his feelings (great on his part, I've asked for that) on lack of affection on my part. But by 9:15 he told me I hadn't shown him affection yet!!! So I kissed him, but really inside I was dying thinking "give me a chance." We have just fed the kids,I skipped my run, I took the baby down so he could sleep in (different kind of affection). I asked him to write a specific list of needs he wants in the AM, afternoon and PM because I feel like he is getting affection and I don't know what he wants. It's a process and I working on it. I told him I was going upstairs to shower because we needed a break.
He bought me soo many nice things yesterday and put in an effort. I kissed him and thanked him. This morning he told me he never wants to do nice things for me again. I stayed calm and told him I liked these things, but his expectations on affection, I'm clueless.
When I came downstairs he still hadn't made me a list and man is he pissed off. He says I lack effort and he is trying so much harder. I get that it needs to be constant, but I am at a lack of words. I asked him if he had made the list, nope. I asked him to please make this list and then if I fail to understand and meet these things it is a lack of effort. I need specifics because I am confused.
Please give me on advice on how to handle this day and my husband.I feel like I'm going insane and diffusing the fight right now. Today looks ugly and I want to reverse this. He's in the shower now so please advice ASAP I can tell you that my wife and I will give the other a kiss before either one of us rises from the bed, when we return to the bedroom for clothes and such after showering, and before we go out the door. Review the article for just a short, simple list of ideas. on the to do list for tomorrow am
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tgrace, do you have a need for receiving gifts?
I think the list is a good idea so that both of you have an idea of what he thinks of as 'affection'.
To be honest, I think you need to ask him for you two to schedule an appointment with Steve Harley.
He doesn't feel you're meeting his needs fast enough and you feel like you're drowning. Yes I asked him this morning for counseling, probably a matter of finances
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I feel like the rest of today is going to be forced affection, I'm hoping to get a change of atmosphere and get some real affection going. I feel stressed and that I need to seriously schedule a every 30-45 minute affection for the day. I think I will put this on my 'to do brain list" and see how it goes today.
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Is him buying you gifts important? Like all this stuff he brings home is nice, sure. But is it important.
My wife has a high need for DS (domestic services) and FC (family commitment). So to her helping around the house and playing with the kids is much more important than me bringing her gifts home.
What are your ENs?
Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)
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I feel like the rest of today is going to be forced affection, I'm hoping to get a change of atmosphere and get some real affection going. I feel stressed and that I need to seriously schedule a every 30-45 minute affection for the day. I think I will put this on my 'to do brain list" and see how it goes today. Tell him that you'd like to start today over. Tell him that you feel unloved when he's impatient with you. then give him a hug and a kiss.
Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)
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Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 174
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Is him buying you gifts important? Like all this stuff he brings home is nice, sure. But is it important.
My wife has a high need for DS (domestic services) and FC (family commitment). So to her helping around the house and playing with the kids is much more important than me bringing her gifts home.
What are your ENs? The consideration is certainly nice, but if there are expectations of kiss my [censored] afterwards, it becomes nothing. Gifts are not a priority, but I'm a woman and of course I love gifts. He did put a lot of thought into the gifts, and in fact I was excited that he remembered I liked this tea place. Definitely loved the thought and that he paid attention to our conversation and listened. He usually forgets a lot of things and this was probably a big deal for him. I let him know how much I loved them and showed him. I can make him a list of my new EN's now that I know what they mean from the books/workbooks. My first list during my initial post was partially hurtful and written in a partly negative manner. This time I have learned to be positive and how to write them/request them.
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We just texted each other from inside the house, how sad ;[
I already let him know I wanted to have a good day and I would show him how much I love him.
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PS hold her hand,
Whats QFT?
Sorry I'm typing with baby in hand, no time to get back to quotes
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We just texted each other from inside the house, how sad ;[
I already let him know I wanted to have a good day and I would show him how much I love him. Good. I loved it when Dad would say "Okay. Let's start over. There's no reason for us to be fighting. Let's make today a good day. Good morning, Son."
Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)
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PS hold her hand,
Whats QFT?
Sorry I'm typing with baby in hand, no time to get back to quotes Quoted for Truth (QFT). It means you you agree totally. My youngest is 2.5 years old. So glad no more babies. Thank God for vasectomy. Now I can't wait till the youngest is old enough to get up and make their own cereal in the mornings and I can sleep in on Saturdays 
Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)
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Okay, I am going to get burned for this....but your relating of your frustation today disturbs me. You had made a concerted effort to be affectionate yesterday, you have only been doing this program a short time, and it was only 9:15....and already it's "You are never affectionate" and "I don't want to do anything nice for you again"?
I am sorry, but I think we might need some perspective and a lesson on self-centeredness. I know for me, the whole get it all 100% right yesterday thing would NOT work.
Has he always been so "perfection-all-or-nothing" oriented? I know the big fancy alarm bells went of early on here in y'all's sitch because of the affair concern. But you are obviously not having one, and you have a small baby. Is there a chapter on cutting a tired mom some slack?
I'll go back to my rebellious Tawanda corner now.
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tgrace, can you give us an idea of what your UA time looks like? Could you tell us what you two did this past week, hrs on which days and what specifically you did, eg, stay home, went out to dinner, etc?
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tgrace, I don't know if you ever read the story ML shared about how they were working the program practicing by going to the store to POJA groceries. She got a head of lettuce she didn't like and I don't remember for sure but I think he went outside the store because he was angry. They related the story to Dr. H, who told them ML's H needed anger management.
I think your family needs outside intervention, too. The hostility and strife is tough especially on the kids. I have a 15 year old who makes excuses when folks are hostile to her, because her dad and I raised her steeped in the hostility and strife you and your H describe. Somehow we thought it was acceptable to live like that, to raise kids in that, instead of being willing to go to any length to find a way to relate to each other peacefully. Sadly it wasn't until she was like 13 that the hostility and strife finally stopped here. I'm trying to play catch up so late, and so far it looks like I'm losing. Her dad and I made choices, but she pays the consequences. I think it would be awesome if you could get the hostility and strife out of your home while your kids are still little and impressionable and can easily soak up new patterns to replace these faulty ones. I wish nothing but the best for you and your family.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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I think your family needs outside intervention, too. The hostility and strife is tough especially on the kids. Is hilltopper having angry outbursts? If so, he might need anger management classes. My H was referred to anger management classes for angry outbursts. If it's just hostility and strife, of course they don't need outside intervention because Marriage Builders takes care of that. That is what the program resolves. I have not seen anything that told me that anger management was warranted, did I miss something? If AM classes are needed, I would check with Markos, since he went to one while under the tutelage of Dr Harley
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I had asked hilltopper about AOs awhile ago. I thought he had indicated he didn't feel he had a problem in that area...
Based on a radio show where Dr Harley was stressing the importance (to a lady with three young children under the age of 5) of getting a babysitter and spending time outside of the home with her H, I can't help but to wonder if it is a lack of UA out of the house that is causing a lot of this tension...and once they get that in for a few weeks if hilltopper's feelings of frustration (& neglect?) would naturally dissipate...
From what I have heard, it sounds like hilltoper and tgrace are spending a lot of their UA time INSIDE the home...
Last edited by SusieQ; 05/01/11 11:30 AM.
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I had asked hilltopper about AOs awhile ago. I thought he had indicated he didn't feel he had a problem in that area... I hadn't seen any indication that he was having angry outbursts, but I may have missed something. That would be the only reason to get outside help. Marriage Builders will resolve the tension in the home if it is used appropriately. Like you pointed out, Susie, UA time needs to be spent AWAY from the children and other distractions in order to have any effect.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Okay, I am going to get burned for this....but your relating of your frustation today disturbs me. You had made a concerted effort to be affectionate yesterday, you have only been doing this program a short time, and it was only 9:15....and already it's "You are never affectionate" and "I don't want to do anything nice for you again"?
I am sorry, but I think we might need some perspective and a lesson on self-centeredness. I know for me, the whole get it all 100% right yesterday thing would NOT work.
Has he always been so "perfection-all-or-nothing" oriented? I know the big fancy alarm bells went of early on here in y'all's sitch because of the affair concern. But you are obviously not having one, and you have a small baby. Is there a chapter on cutting a tired mom some slack?
I'll go back to my rebellious Tawanda corner now. He hasn't always been this way, but definitely over the last month it has been noticed and increasingly gotten worse.
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tgrace, can you give us an idea of what your UA time looks like? Could you tell us what you two did this past week, hrs on which days and what specifically you did, eg, stay home, went out to dinner, etc? UA time has not been perfect, but we have wrapped gifts together and talked and wrote out a whole scavenger hunt out for the kids at Easter (he never takes interest in the creative stuff), played games, had a few nights of wine talking, games, fell asleep real early one night, read aloud to each other what was written in the workbook. UA time definitely needs to be improved. We used to get out and have my parents watch the kids at least once or twice a week and go out to dinner together. Recently this has gone away because we are trying to pay off the medical bills from the c-section (crazy, can't believe how much that was). We usually have the grandparents watch the older two and bring the baby (my mom is not on the approved list for a baby, my dad is great). The baby usually sleeps through dinner so its usually not an issue. Yesterday I asked him if he would pick ideas for two days of UA time this week and I would pick ideas for the other three days of UA time. I'm going to call my parents tonight so we can go to a much needed dinner.
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I had asked hilltopper about AOs awhile ago. I thought he had indicated he didn't feel he had a problem in that area...
Based on a radio show where Dr Harley was stressing the importance (to a lady with three young children under the age of 5) of getting a babysitter and spending time outside of the home with her H, I can't help but to wonder if it is a lack of UA out of the house that is causing a lot of this tension...and once they get that in for a few weeks if hilltopper's feelings of frustration (& neglect?) would naturally dissipate...
From what I have heard, it sounds like hilltoper and tgrace are spending a lot of their UA time INSIDE the home... Yeah I don't think AO has ever been an issue or concern until the last three weeks or so. I'm taking over on making sure we get proper UA time this week. We usually are so social we never hang out at home or we just like to really get out of the house and enjoy ourselves. This last week was just different. Last night we went to a party that we had RSVP'd two months ago for. I really wanted to pass because of all the recent problems but we hadn't seen some of these friends in years because it was a huge group of old friends. That went great and I'm glad we went. Helped improve our mood, now for tonight dinner and no kids.
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[ I'm taking over on making sure we get proper UA time this week. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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