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I have just read through both Hilltoppers and his wife's threads...and I gotta say Hilltopper, you have to be more patient and you need to direct your Love Bank deposits in the right way!!!

1) You keep trying to make deposits in to her love bank. I keep seeing "i bought her a card" "I bought her this" "I brought her that"...is "Gifts" one of her love languages? I think it might be yours, but is it hers? Then you get annoyed that one gift doesn't fill up her love bank immediately or she doesn't know you gave her something. On her threads I keep reading that she would like "romantic gestures" which is more like "plan a date" or "arrange for babysitting".

Take home message: FIND OUT WHAT AFFECTION MEANS TO HER. ASK HER WHAT ACTIONS MAKE HER LOVED. YOU ARE DOING THE WRONG ONES.

2) When you make a deposit, if her love bank is in the red, then one gesture/nice thing/EN is not going to propel anyone into that "in love" feeling. Imagine a Leaky Bucket. Her bucket is empty. You put one scoop of water in there. Then you wonder why it isn't full. Then you get mad at her for not acting like it isn't full, which then causes that scoop of water to drain away quickly. Then you are back to where you started from. You need consistent scoops of water (meeting ENs) without removing any (LBs) before you will fill it up.

Take home message: STOP LOVE BUSTING.

3) Your wife seems open to the whole MB thing. That is a very good thing. Is she perfect? no. But stop worrying about her, and worry about you doing MB as best as you can.
Take home message: OWN YOUR OWN PROBLEMS. BE PATIENT!!!

4) I see you (and other men) saying that you don't like having to initiate SF. I see women that don't like having to initiate Domestic Support or Family Commitment. Guess what? For the person who it is most important, they have often have to initiate the need, whether it be SF or something else. And when she does meet your top need, don't whine about how it wasn't every night or the way you like it or worse. That won't make her want to do it again. Just like if she wanted you to mop the floor and all she did was whine how you didn't do it right...would you want to do it again?

Take home message: MAKE SURE YOU MAKE YOUR TOP NEED (SF) EASY AND PLEASANT FOR HER TO MEET

5) Your wife is often tired because of the baby. One time you were watching the baby and you were tired. But somehow that didn't equate to that is the way she feels every night. BABIES ARE TIRING!


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Today is a new day. Start fresh. Wipe the slate clean -- don't dwell on the mistakes of yesterday! -- and show your wife that you will care for her.

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
The Second Enemy of Good Conversation is dwelling on mistakes, past or present.

One of our important emotional needs is admiration. So whenever you remind your wife of achievements of her past or present, you deposit love units because she needs to be admired.

But when you remind her of her failures, you do the opposite. You undermine her confidence and self-esteem, and withdraw love units.

Criticism is painful in marriage because we need admiration so much. We want our spouses to be the most encouraging person we know, one who constantly reminds us of our strengths. We certainly don't want to be discouraged by being reminded of our weaknesses, particularly if it comes from our spouse.

In an intimate relationship we give the keys to our inner self to someone else so that person can be in a position to meet our emotional needs. Intimacy magnifies the pleasure we receive when our needs are met. But it also makes us vulnerable. The pain of criticism is magnified in an intimate relationship. Unprotected, we expose the china closet of our feelings. If the person is critical of us, they are like the proverbial "bull in a china closet." One romp through our inner self and we are not so quick to invite the bull back again.

Criticism now and then is bad enough, but spouses often get into the habit of dwelling on mistakes. These mistakes are mentioned repeatedly in an effort to make sure that the mistake is understood and corrected. But that's not how mistakes are understood or corrected. All this does is magnify the pain until conversation is too unpleasant to continue. Then hope of respectful negotiation is lost.

In your letter, you say that you and your spouse say the same things again and again. You may be referring to this enemy, dwelling on past mistakes. You may find yourselves repeating these criticisms because this enemy dominates your conversation. If that's the case, see it for the enemy it is. As long as you tolerate dwelling on mistakes, you cannot expect to meet each other's needs for conversation. You may withdraw so many love units that it ruins your love for each other.

Read the entire article here.



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Originally Posted by Prisca
Today is a new day. Start fresh. Wipe the slate clean -- don't dwell on the mistakes of yesterday! -- and show your wife that you will care for her.

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
The Second Enemy of Good Conversation is dwelling on mistakes, past or present.

One of our important emotional needs is admiration. So whenever you remind your wife of achievements of her past or present, you deposit love units because she needs to be admired.

But when you remind her of her failures, you do the opposite. You undermine her confidence and self-esteem, and withdraw love units.

Criticism is painful in marriage because we need admiration so much. We want our spouses to be the most encouraging person we know, one who constantly reminds us of our strengths. We certainly don't want to be discouraged by being reminded of our weaknesses, particularly if it comes from our spouse.

In an intimate relationship we give the keys to our inner self to someone else so that person can be in a position to meet our emotional needs. Intimacy magnifies the pleasure we receive when our needs are met. But it also makes us vulnerable. The pain of criticism is magnified in an intimate relationship. Unprotected, we expose the china closet of our feelings. If the person is critical of us, they are like the proverbial "bull in a china closet." One romp through our inner self and we are not so quick to invite the bull back again.

Criticism now and then is bad enough, but spouses often get into the habit of dwelling on mistakes. These mistakes are mentioned repeatedly in an effort to make sure that the mistake is understood and corrected. But that's not how mistakes are understood or corrected. All this does is magnify the pain until conversation is too unpleasant to continue. Then hope of respectful negotiation is lost.

In your letter, you say that you and your spouse say the same things again and again. You may be referring to this enemy, dwelling on past mistakes. You may find yourselves repeating these criticisms because this enemy dominates your conversation. If that's the case, see it for the enemy it is. As long as you tolerate dwelling on mistakes, you cannot expect to meet each other's needs for conversation. You may withdraw so many love units that it ruins your love for each other.

Read the entire article here.

Fantastic read on this. Yes wife and I are treating this as a new day and have both agreed to identify and avoid all DJ's for the entire day. No expectations on anything else for now, just avoid the insults and see where it takes us. We both agreed that when you change your language and how we treat each other that it can sound a bit corny and odd, but that it will get easier over time. I could see the confidence of both of us go up a couple of notches as we agreed to focus on just this one task today.


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Keep at it, Hilltopper and Grace! Dr. Harley's word for that corniness and oddness is "awkward." smile Doing things that are not habits for you are going to feel awkward. Your tendency will be to go back to old habits. But you need to practice new behaviors frequently in order for them to become new habits.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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hurray

That was a great post, Prisca!!

Hill, concentrating on one thing today is an excellent plan!!

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Originally Posted by Penni4Thoughts
hurray

That was a great post, Prisca!!

Hill, concentrating on one thing today is an excellent plan!!

Yep, keep it simple stupid is gonna make a difference in our lives. We're gonna follow this one simple plan for today and worry about tomorrow tomorrow. We also need to revise our EN's, they are not accurate. More on that later.


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I'd also like to publicly and openly apologize to my wife for neglecting her EN's all these years. I told her all of this this morning but I feel good about being honest here as well. I was selfish, didn't care about anything that was important to her, and repeatedly DJ'd and SD'd her over and over again. I don't blame her for not being into me and I am working on changing the man I've become. I'm not that man yet, but I know what he looks like and I like what I see. This man is thoughtful, respectful, and thinks of others before himself. He never attempts to gain at other's expense. He smiles, in fact smiles a lot. smile He takes time out of his day to stop and smell the roses. He does things that make his wife happy without having to be asked. He takes initiative in planning fun activities with his wife, children, and friends. He researches and spends time on romancing his wife rather than picking up flowers as an afterthought at the grocery store. This guy is a stud, a true casanova and you all should be jealous of my wife for being able to own this dude when he becomes what he is aspiring and working on to be.


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
He never attempts to gain at other's expense.

Both you and your wife are going to like this man a lot more! smile


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Wife fell asleep tonight early like I fell asleep last night so UA a problem. We need help with kids big time. Good day just no UA and everything I read says we need 25 hours a week. We are more like 10 at most. Can u get your best ten tops.


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Best ten tips that is!


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Wife fell asleep tonight early like I fell asleep last night so UA a problem.

Both of you lost a lot of sleep this week, so that likely to happen. smile Put 8 hours of sleep on your schedule for both of you every night. It won't happen if you don't plan it.

Likewise, schedule your UA time. Plan specific activities that you are both EXCITED about.

And look for babysitters. smile


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Did you guys every look into the YMCA or a gym where you could get babysitting?

Gyms can be great IF you are giving each other your undivided attention while you exercise. (Not so great if you are on opposite sides of the room doing different things!) When you exercise you are releasing all kinds of chemicals that make you feel good, so if you are feeling like this with your spouse, you guys are making Love Bank deposits in your accounts. smile Also, at the same time, typically this helps one or both spouses along the way to meeting the need for an Attractive Spouse better. smile So, you get RC, Conversation, AS all at once. You can also meet Admiration.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Wife fell asleep tonight early like I fell asleep last night so UA a problem. We need help with kids big time. Good day just no UA and everything I read says we need 25 hours a week. We are more like 10 at most. Can u get your best ten tops.
Dr. Harley has said that one of the most important things you can do in your marriage is get adequate sleep. Make that a priority - schedule it.

It makes good sense. It's hard to function at 100% when you're sleep deprived. You do need more than 10 hours a week. 25 would be a great number to hit. But it's going to be hard to hit that if you're both taking turns crashing early at night.


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Wife fell asleep tonight early like I fell asleep last night so UA a problem. We need help with kids big time. Good day just no UA and everything I read says we need 25 hours a week. We are more like 10 at most. Can u get your best ten tops.

1. Sit down and schedule out the time, writing out dates and times. Make it a habit of putting everything else second to your UA time. Lose the attitude that you might do it if you have time: MAKE TIME by making it your biggest priority. IT IS. If something gets put aside, make it something ELSE other than your UA time.

2. hire babysitters

3. Like Markos suggested, schedule your UA time for times that you are not exhausted. Schedule it for your best times, like maybe 5 pm during the week and 1pm during the weekend along with Saturday night



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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On another note, Hilltopper, be sure to be reviewing regularly exactly what the Basic Concepts say. You will notice things you might not have noticed before. They are important. Pay special attention to the Policy of Joint Agreement:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse

If you make an agreement but sense that your wife is reluctant, don't make her go through with it. If she becomes reluctant later, renegotiate.

The Policy of Joint Agreement is your tool for measuring whether or not you are being thoughtful toward your wife. If you are following it, you are being thoughtful; if you are not following it, you are being thoughtless. I noticed above you said you were planning on becoming a thoughtful husband, so I wanted to point this out. smile

Also, have you gotten a chance to listen to Marriage Builders Radio, yet? How long is your commute? I have 70 minutes every day and usually most of that time is spent listening to Dr. Harley and Joyce, which really helps. You'll learn how to apply the Basic Concepts in more and more specific situations so that when your own situations come up it will start to be second nature how to use the concepts in your marriage.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Wife fell asleep tonight early like I fell asleep last night so UA a problem.

Both of you lost a lot of sleep this week, so that likely to happen. smile Put 8 hours of sleep on your schedule for both of you every night. It won't happen if you don't plan it.

Likewise, schedule your UA time. Plan specific activities that you are both EXCITED about.

And look for babysitters. smile

I've seen a consistent theme in much of the advice here which is "planning." I'd say up to this point I for one have not been diligent in planning UA time. I've tried a few times specifically about working out together as well as a sheet that shows date spots and acceptable babysitters nearby. I feel a bit brushed off about it so to be honest I got discouraged and stopped asking. Yesterday I sent my wife a text that said, "scrabble and wine tonight?" She said, "sure." It just didn't materialize because she was tired, understandably so. I didn't pout or read into it, I simply grabbed a pillow for her, put her head on it and rubbed her back. It felt good to do so.


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Originally Posted by markos
Did you guys every look into the YMCA or a gym where you could get babysitting?

Gyms can be great IF you are giving each other your undivided attention while you exercise. (Not so great if you are on opposite sides of the room doing different things!) When you exercise you are releasing all kinds of chemicals that make you feel good, so if you are feeling like this with your spouse, you guys are making Love Bank deposits in your accounts. smile Also, at the same time, typically this helps one or both spouses along the way to meeting the need for an Attractive Spouse better. smile So, you get RC, Conversation, AS all at once. You can also meet Admiration.

Believe me this was my latest and greatest idea that I got excited about. She kind of expressed that this would be uncomfortable to her and I get that, particularly because of me being the lecturing type. I'd love for her to give me and this form of UA a chance. It accomplishes so many thing as you mentioned.


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Okay, if your wife is not interested in the gym, then drop it unless you can think of a way to modify your proposal that would make her thrilled about it. Keep brainstorming. Write down ideas when they occur to you, wherever you are, and share them with your wife.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Wife fell asleep tonight early like I fell asleep last night so UA a problem. We need help with kids big time. Good day just no UA and everything I read says we need 25 hours a week. We are more like 10 at most. Can u get your best ten tops.

1. Sit down and schedule out the time, writing out dates and times. Make it a habit of putting everything else second to your UA time. Lose the attitude that you might do it if you have time: MAKE TIME by making it your biggest priority. IT IS. If something gets put aside, make it something ELSE other than your UA time.

2. hire babysitters

3. Like Markos suggested, schedule your UA time for times that you are not exhausted. Schedule it for your best times, like maybe 5 pm during the week and 1pm during the weekend along with Saturday night

Melody,

This really struck a cord with me. I've always felt that if something is a priority, then you'll make time to make it happen. It could be losing weight, going to the gym, spending time with kids, spending time with spouse, etc. Clearly my wife and I historically have chosen not to make our marriage a priority and changing that behavior means we both have to move outside of our comfort zones and just "go for it." I don't have a good feel yet for asking for things that are my EN's. I get the courage to do so and if I get shot down I tend to take it as a sign not to ask again. What I want to work on is regrouping, changing some terms or details of the request, and then try again.


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Go with Dr. Harley's worksheets. smile They are designed to help you communicate your needs to each other without getting into a fight.

Your wife's enthusiasm for meeting your needs will climb higher and higher the longer you follow this program.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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