SusieQ called, and I came.

((((((TORN))))))

I am so sorry that you have been going through this. It is really the most horrible experience of anyone's life. Plan B will help you alleviate the stress of the day to day.

I am going to apologize, up front, for my posting style. Sometimes, I see a hole in a Plan B and I want to help plug it up. When I do that, I forget to post about how well the poster did.

I am a little curious, why did you enter Plan B at an earlier time than you had originally planned? Was there something that happened to make you do that? And, did you model your Plan B letter after the one in SAA, or the templates on this site?

I see that SusieQ posted about not allowing your WH to come into the house. She is right. He doesn't even need to come on the porch. When you send the children with your WH, do you send clothing, toys etc? If you do, you shouldn't anymore(unless ORDERED to by a judge). He should have clothes, toys etc himself. My WH would ask for bottle of water and sunscreen when he was taking the kids for a hike. Of course, it was a BIG GIANT NOOOOO.

Now, at the beginning of Plan B, you are going to be going through your own kind of withdrawal. It helped for me to realize that. Just as posters tell a WS that they will go through a withdrawal from their AP, so to does a BS in Plan B. Let yourself cry. You need to take care of yourself, but if you don't allow yourself to grieve, you will wind up stuck. You don't want that.

Also, for the first little while during Plan B, just focus on No Contact. However that has to happen, ensure that it does. Celebrate the times when you don't call your WH. The more you do it, the less you will want to call him. Also, realize that it is going to take you a long time to stop thinking about your WH first. I would see a pair of pants and think, "WH would love those." I would almost start to cry(which was bad bad bad, because I was at WORK). Then, I would remind myself that I am in Plan B, and I would try to refocus my thoughts. Soon enough, I wouldn't think about him as often.

Do you have any pictures or keepsakes of your WH around? At first, I needed them, but after a couple of weeks, I needed to put them away. It started to really hurt me.

When you feel tempted to contact your WH, or to end Plan B, remember this, every contact you have will make the A stronger. Yep, that's right. Whenever you contact your WH or allow him to contact you, you feed the affair. DON'T DO THAT. That helped me at my weakest moments. Still does.

After you get through the initial withdrawal(How I wish you didn't change the date of the hearing), you will start to feel a bit better. Then, we will get you focused on moving a step forward, even if it is only baby steps. That will help you. Especially when you are 6 months out and you realize how far you have come.

It takes real strength to get into Plan B. GREAT WORK. Don't mess up all of your hard work in a moment of weakness. Shore up those Plan B ranks and hunker down. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Have you changed the locks on the house so that he cannot get in?

Thanks Scotty and Nwood. I changed th elocks and the ADT alarm code. I went into Plan B because on Monday while in Plan A , he informs me that he was going to spend last night at OW home. That is the ;ast time he says that to me. I told him I could not control him , but he was losing his family because of this. He told me all sorts of vile things, mname calling, he was going to marry her, I need to move on. He has been unhappy for years, all th efogcrap I read about. So the next day he does the same crap and I got into Plan B. He broke me with this, and I need to be fixed, and only I can fix me. I want to breathe without him.
Scotty how perfect! My new motto" every contact you have will make the A stronger! "

I have questions though
1. He took my boys shopping for a Mothers day gift for me. My older son text me this. I will not take it from them ,if this will set be back.
2. Do I let boys discuss their visits with WH with me or no?
3.If he does not respect NC to me, do I get an order of protection since my temp orders states he cannot be here without my permission.

My IM emailed me and told me that he stated he will respect it, but I do not trust him. He needs to stay in his car, whether I am home or not.
I literally emailed him the same Plan B letter that I posted here. I did not change it expect for IM info. My IM needed to think about it, but when I told her that I needed her to do this for my sanity, she said ok.
As for the 15 and 13 year old boys, I asked them not discuss what I do or say to their Dad. I feel like if I do not ask them about their Dad's behavior or actions, they should not offer my info to him. They know all about A and are hurt. I told them to express to their Dad that they do not want any contact with OW.
Actually , my two older boys think that what he did was very wrong, and want me to divorce him , because he hurt us. But what do I say?
I think I should get us into family counseling. I feel outnumbered with all four boys ?s and pain.
I am upset about court too. My lawyer emailed me that my WH lawyer actually called court to reschedule the date and the clerk instead of calling my lawyer changed it to June 6th. WT?
So i called the clerk and told her that he has to be here on May 19 for a class on parenting plans that we have to do. So he cannot use the work excuse, she scheduled it for that day @10am.
Where I live we have to come up with a parenting plan but with him living 250miles away , why bother? I hate this.. Anyways, I am dragging my feet to divorce but I need more than 300 a month in CS for four kids and I have no job..

I am counting the hours I do not contact him. Last night was hard because I knew through my IM he was coming. But I did not do IT!I have our pictures up everywhere, but I took the ones of our wedding renewal from October out of our bedroom. I could not stand to look at it, it made me so sad.Every once in awhile I find something that is his. I put it in a tote for the boys to give to him.I chose my date of 5/14/11 because I am done with school on 5/13 and my IM wanted to start that date. I could not take it though in Plan A. I do not want to be his friend. Forget it!

And he lives with his mom and stepdad. So do I still talk to my MIL or do I no contact her too? I would probably enjoy NC my MIL ! lol

1. If the gifts are from your children, and if they're old enough to understand what's going on, then what's the harm with taking them?

2. You can certainly ask your kids not to tell you about WH>

3. Not sure about the order of protection. Ask an attorney, you may have to have a reason for getting one.

If you don't want to talk to your MIL, then don't. Pretty simple, wouldn't you say?

As for pictures on the walls--take them down if they're bothering you. I'm not sure about the deliveries that you're giving your kids to take to WH. It almost seems like contact. Maybe just toss them into a big box in the garage instead?

Torn,

I too started ADs about when you did and when I hit the depression stage of grief, I had to up my dose. Of course consult your medical professional.

TBA,

Soo sorry to see you hear, but glad that you are! You are being so strong right now for yourself and your family.

Scotty is one of the best plan B'ers on here so I know she will be of great help to you. Continue to be strong and know that there are a lot of us praying & rooting for you!

All the best,

ba

Torn, I am hoping that you get these court dates out of the way as soon as possible so you don't have to worry about continued contact. Even seeing your WH will set you back to square one. It won't stop your healing, but it will prolong your suffering.

You shouldn't get your children to pass along things. If you start to do that, your WH will use them too. That will lead to breaks in Plan B and using the children. That is bad news. Don't let the children pass on messages, or anything else.

Now, you said that you have to get a parenting plan in place. Is parallel parenting an option where you live? It is a better option for someone in Plan B than "co-parenting." Look into it.

Thanks Everyone ! I have been upped my dose in ADs Forget the parenting plan, how can he parent 250 miles away? I am the parent. He gets to parent when he visits which is like once maybe twice a month since he has been gone. I took the gift. I thanked the kids and I love it! As for the court dates this should be the last one for awhile. I am dragging this out! I am having his mail aka bills forwarded thru his lawyer. I have one more week til I graduate so I am happy! I can do this, I can do this... I woke up today ready to be sad, and had an okay kinda day. I need to focus on me, not him . I keep typing and saying" If I have contact, I am okay with the affair" And I AM NOT OKAY WITH IT!

Keep up the good work.

If you have contact, it's not that you will be okay with the affair, but you WILL FEED IT. You don't want to help it last. You want it DEAD. Even if you and your WH don't reconcile your marriage, OW isn't a person you want as a step-mom to them.

Now that you are in Plan B, you need to keep focused on yourself and your healing, as well as your children.

YOU ROCK.

I totally understand. I struggle with this too. I have been in Plan B for 3 weeks. Its almost gotten a little better in the last few days...

Mehr, I am proud of you. I want to be three weeks in already . This is the hardest thing ever. Not talking to him is hard,but even harder is not asking about him, where he's at , who he's with. That for me is harder. Every time I talk to him he says how much she means to him, and it cuts me. So not talking to him is a bit of a relief.(sorta) But I had a lot of spies, so that is hard telling them that I do not want to know a thing.You know what I mean?

This is a okay kinda day. My 13 year told me today that WH tried to justify affair and that WH wants to bring OW around. My son who i am proud of said he did not think this was a good idea.I emailed my IM copy of my temp order. My IM who I informed of this emailed WH that as a part of our temp divorce order kids were not to have contact with OW. His reply was if he cant bring OW around kids then he wont be around the older kids.
I took kids fishing, slept in, ate at my sil and brothers house. I had a good day despite my WH stupidity. I am letting go and letting GOD. I did not contact him and I am proud of this small step I took today.Maybe things are getting better. I love the fact I can post my life on here and be safe. I need that . I need to feel safe, since my life is so up in the air. I am scared, but I know this will get better.

I do have a question though, can a temp order that states this be changed in the final divorce decree? Can I fight this ?

His loss, then. I guess he expected you to cave in when he threatened to not have contact with the kids?


I imagine you could put whatever you want in the decree, though he could certainly challenge it. What many do is add wording that forbids any overnight visitors of the opposite sex when the children are at the house.

My understanding is that it's not really enforceable (as in, the police wouldn't do anything) but it could be used as ammunition in revising custody arrangements if the parent isn't abiding by the rules of the divorce.

Thanks Nwood! I always appreciate your input! I think yes, he wants me to cave, but I will not. And yes I am going to put that in the final decree. I am praying we do not divorce, but preparing for it. I will haul her a** to court and her ex and her ex fiance whose marriage she destroyed also. She is a piece of work and I do not want her around my kids. My IM is not discussing what my WH says, because I told her not to but she definitely is on fire about the situation and the damage this is doing to the kids.

On another note, my adult stepdaughters left me flowers on my doorstep last night since I was out with kids. I cried when I saw them . My boys made me breakfast and overall I feel GOOD! I graduate in 5 days on Friday the 13th! spooky! lol! And I have everyone on here to thank for pushing me to get my head out of the sand and not let this drag me down!God bless!

Torn, just a note to say you're doing good! Congratulations on the graduation, that's amazing. When I was a BS, I couldn't even get my name right, much less retain things I read. (I didn't have MB though so it made it doubly hard.)

I also wanted to comment on your question about WH coming in the home while you're not there. You may be holding up to the "no contact" (great!) but when he is allowed to walk into your home he's getting his "family fix". That's okay in Plan A because his seeing what he's missing is a good thing. However, in Plan B, that door should be firmly closed and locked. It sounds like you get this.

I can assure you that others are reading along and cheering for you. You are not alone. (((Torn)))

Thank YOU! Yes, I get this. I have changed locks and alarm codes, and my IM was very clear she said to him that no entering the house .. PERIOD! He will email her the time he will be here and I will send the big kids out with the little ones, i think I might just leave 15 minutes earlier but I want to make sure I lock the doors when they leave.

And I feel alone sometimes, not as much as before... But I know I AM NOT ! I have a family on MB that has my back!

Ok Everyone! Game on! I need you all! Today my WH and his lawyer got served for child support hearing and it described the amount of child support he would have to pay $$$. He is on fire. Calling me where I am doing clinicals, leaving messages on my kids phones, texting my family. He is going to quit his job, I am evil, blah,blah,blah. I did not know it was him one of the times at the clinic, so I answered.He starts raging , I say calmly IS OW STILL IN YOUR LIFE? He says yes, I hang up! Bye !
I am starting to see how this sent him for a spin! What do I do?
How do I handle? I have to see him @ hearing? I am a nervous wreck

Awesome job. Judging by his reaction, you did good!

Change all of your phone numbers, including those of your kids. Tell your work what is going on and that they need to screen your calls. I'm sure they'll understand.

You did so good with the "Is OW still in your life", give yourself a pat on the back there!

Save those nasty text and voicemail messages he is sending. They could be useful and I'd have your lawyer talk to his lawyer about it. His lawyer, if he has any sense, will tell him to cool it.

By all means go to that hearing and make sure you're dressed nice. Head up, back straight and, if you can pull it off, a nice cold stare straight at him. But no words at all, ok? Make sure your lawyer knows this, surely he can help you out with that.

Nwood thanks! I will be dressed to a T!!! And I have blocked him from all of our cell phones. Oh well!