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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
I've always felt that if something is a priority, then you'll make time to make it happen. It could be losing weight, going to the gym, spending time with kids, spending time with spouse, etc.

Tread very lightly here. Live up to your own standards and priorities, but be very careful not to judge your wife on the subject.

If something is not a priority to your wife, don't judge her for not holding that priority.

You will be a priority to your wife when your account in her love bank is receiving MASSIVE deposits every single day and there are no love busters causing withdrawals.

If you were to discover that you were not a priority to your wife, the absolute worst thing you could do would be to fault her for that. This would cause withdrawals from your account in her love bank and would make it even less likely that she would make you a priority. Instead you need to follow a rational plan to change your standing in your wife's estimation.

Yes, planning, organization, and being rational and logical are emphasized here. Personally, in addition to being a recovering chronic jerk, I am an emotional, disorganized wreck. I'm working on recovering from the disorganization as well.


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If your wife had a readout on her forehead that showed the balance in your account in her love bank, and you woke up one morning and discovered your balance was in the red, would you be offended?

I hope not. Instead it would be important to be thrilled that you had such accurate information so you could make deposits and change the situation!

If you feel like you are not a priority to your wife, don't try to force her to change her mind on the subject. Instead, face up to the reality, that you haven't lived up to the man you wanted to be, and become that man so that you will be a priority in her life.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Originally Posted by markos
Go with Dr. Harley's worksheets. smile They are designed to help you communicate your needs to each other without getting into a fight.

Your wife's enthusiasm for meeting your needs will climb higher and higher the longer you follow this program.

Just filled out and sent her my RC worksheet. It was a great exercise and there were many 3's in there which I know will also be for her.


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I notice you haven't answered my question about the radio show, yet. wink


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
I've always felt that if something is a priority, then you'll make time to make it happen. It could be losing weight, going to the gym, spending time with kids, spending time with spouse, etc.

Tread very lightly here. Live up to your own standards and priorities, but be very careful not to judge your wife on the subject.

If something is not a priority to your wife, don't judge her for not holding that priority.

You will be a priority to your wife when your account in her love bank is receiving MASSIVE deposits every single day and there are no love busters causing withdrawals.

If you were to discover that you were not a priority to your wife, the absolute worst thing you could do would be to fault her for that. This would cause withdrawals from your account in her love bank and would make it even less likely that she would make you a priority. Instead you need to follow a rational plan to change your standing in your wife's estimation.

Yes, planning, organization, and being rational and logical are emphasized here. Personally, in addition to being a recovering chronic jerk, I am an emotional, disorganized wreck. I'm working on recovering from the disorganization as well.

You're right that was a sneaky judgmental jab on my part. STOP IT Hilltopper! smile


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Originally Posted by markos
I notice you haven't answered my question about the radio show, yet. wink

I keep intending to and simply forgot. I tried on my Iphone, but it wouldn't work. How do you listen to it? I have about an hour in the car each day as well.


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You are in luck, there is an iPhone/iPad app free in the iTunes store. Unfortunately I know nearly nothing about the iPhone so I can't help much with it, but I will go hunt down a link for you.

Also, the show comes out as MP3s. You can play them in any MP3 software; I'm certain the iPhone has that built in.

The daily show can be streamed on any computer from 12-1 Central time.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

They also repeat the show for 24 hours until the next show.

Also there are loads of shows out there for free download. They are all just as good and current even if they are from last year. smile

http://richwith.com/mb/radio/shows/
http://richwith.com/mb/xoldPreviousPrograms/

This site also syndicates the program and allows downloading, I think:

http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/marriage-builders-radio/


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Originally Posted by markos
You are in luck, there is an iPhone/iPad app free in the iTunes store. Unfortunately I know nearly nothing about the iPhone so I can't help much with it, but I will go hunt down a link for you.

Also, the show comes out as MP3s. You can play them in any MP3 software; I'm certain the iPhone has that built in.

The daily show can be streamed on any computer from 12-1 Central time.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

They also repeat the show for 24 hours until the next show.

Also there are loads of shows out there for free download. They are all just as good and current even if they are from last year. smile

http://richwith.com/mb/radio/shows/
http://richwith.com/mb/xoldPreviousPrograms/

This site also syndicates the program and allows downloading, I think:

http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/marriage-builders-radio/

Bingo, found the app, downloading now, will listen to today's show on the commute home. How exciting!


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Great! I think you'll like it!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Originally Posted by markos
Great! I think you'll like it!

I listened to the radio show, Dr Harley and his wife are amazing people and very down to earth. I like the format of the radio show because not only are the callers experiencing some form of marital strife or conflict in the present, but the Harley's provide immediate feedback. The show yesterday from Nicole was a great learning experience. I learned that men think differently than women and want a true partnership in marriage. Last night my wife went to give the kids a bath so instead of staying downstairs after completing the dishes, I went straight upstairs to be her partner in crime and take care of the beasts. I also helped fold and put away some of the laundry and all in all it was quite enjoyable. My wife and I tend to do a lot of, "if you do this, then I'll do the other" type stuff. I'm not certain, but I can see where this may not be beneficial to our marriage. I told her that I thought it would be great if we tackle our daily responsibilities together sometimes to not only converse, but also because it takes pressure off the other person to complete the task.

This weekend is the race up the coast. We are excited about it, big time. We made a list of things to pack, I'm heading out to get what we need, prepare the car, etc. I want her to be relaxed when we leave, not overwhelmed, so my decisions I make over the next few hours will definitely keep that in mind.


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
I listened to the radio show, Dr Harley and his wife are amazing people and very down to earth.

They really are! I learn a lot just from listening to the way they talk to each other on the air. Notice how even though Dr. Harley has all the degrees and the decades of experience as a clinical psychologist, he is always completely respectful of Joyce?

Incidentally, Dr. Harley and Joyce say they experience conflict in their marriage at a rate of about one conflict per hour. It's just that they always resolve it in a way both are enthusiastic about without any demands, disrespect, or anger! Isn't that incredible? I figure that means they are doing it live on the show at least once per show. smile

I was alerted yesterday to the fact that you can now listen free online to the entire radio archive since 2006:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/

The little "listen" links that they have on there are new. It used to be download only, for a fee.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Just acted like a jerk. It wasn't really something my wife did that set me off, it is what she doesn't do. My taker wants his needs met, gets frustrated when they are not met and picks a fight rather than asking my wife to meet them. My big realization today is that I'm a little *** edit ***. I do everything she asks of me. I ask for nothing in return and go figure I get no ENs met. It's a huge ego blow to be a little *** edit *** not to mention probably very unattractive to my wife. I wouldn't respect me if I was her. My instincts are telling me to not do anything she asks, yeah that'll teach her a lesson. You keep telling me to be patient and that my wife will begin to meet my needs if I behave a certain way. I don't have faith that this will happen. It's like I obsess over making her happy but I'm not on her radar. My wife tells me she doesn't know what I want and that my expectations are too high. Too high? Geez touch my leg now and again, comfort me, show me I am important, make me feel loved. Don't look at me like I'm insane for asking to do something nice for me. You made me coffee today and therefore you've met your requirements? And then there is the inevitable "well if you just waited I was gonna do something nice" game. I have a hunch I'll be waiting for the rest if my life at this pace. I need to reset right now, went for a walk to cool off but didn't feel better, had a beer still not feeling any better.

Last edited by WizAsst; 05/07/11 10:30 AM.

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Dude! Get hold of yourself!

That was me for awhile earlier this year. Go for another walk. That one wasn't long enough. Make it long enough so that all that's left in your head is nothing.

My taker was like that too. I'm giving, giving, giving and all I wanted was just a touch. Learn to control yourself. It will take time to learn the MB habits. Even now I still have a slip up. It's a constant struggle sometimes.

Keep trying Hilltopper!! You're better than this!!


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you might think you're doing great things for her - but to me.. It really seems like you're tallying a giant bill all the time. Like... I do this thing (that I think is great) for you .. Now you owe me.. When are you going to pay? How would you like it it you went into a store and they said.. - we smiled at you when you came in .. That's a buck. We followed you around so we could help you if you needed it.. - that's 10 bucks. we carried the clothes you wanted to try on to the dressing room -that's 10 bucks.. And so on. I'd first be saying - get the heck away from me.. I didn't ask for that that stuff and it isn't worth the price. And eventually I'd be pissed off and avoid the place altogether.

Your descriptions of yourself remind me of that. Nothing good ever comes without expectations - which would sure drain my love bucket.

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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Just acted like a jerk. It wasn't really something my wife did that set me off, it is what she doesn't do. My taker wants his needs met, gets frustrated when they are not met and picks a fight rather than asking my wife to meet them. My big realization today is that I'm a little *** edit ***. I do everything she asks of me. I ask for nothing in return and go figure I get no ENs met. It's a huge ego blow to be a little *** edit *** not to mention probably very unattractive to my wife. I wouldn't respect me if I was her. My instincts are telling me to not do anything she asks, yeah that'll teach her a lesson. You keep telling me to be patient and that my wife will begin to meet my needs if I behave a certain way. I don't have faith that this will happen. It's like I obsess over making her happy but I'm not on her radar. My wife tells me she doesn't know what I want and that my expectations are too high. Too high? Geez touch my leg now and again, comfort me, show me I am important, make me feel loved. Don't look at me like I'm insane for asking to do something nice for me. You made me coffee today and therefore you've met your requirements? And then there is the inevitable "well if you just waited I was gonna do something nice" game. I have a hunch I'll be waiting for the rest if my life at this pace. I need to reset right now, went for a walk to cool off but didn't feel better, had a beer still not feeling any better.

Okay, I've read the beginning, and I've glanced through the middle, but I want to go back to the beginning.

Basically, you were a jerk. The rest of it is why you think it was okay to be a jerk.

Here's the truth: it's never okay to be a jerk, for any reason. Even if your wife isn't meeting your needs, even if you're not sure things are working, even if she's being a jerk to you ... it's never okay to be a jerk. In fact, it's abusive.

No matter what you plan to do, no matter what you think is or isn't going to happen, you need to do something about the fact that you were a jerk.

Here is what I suggest for a START:

"I'm sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me. How can I make it up to you."

Put some space in between those sentences; those are bullet points; build around them.

You may not believe that meeting your wife's emotional needs will result in getting your needs met. You may be right, maybe not. But I will tell you one thing for certain: you using tools like disrespect and anger will absolutely ensure that your needs do not get met long time. If you ever get what you want that way, it will be short term, and it will generate so much resentment that you may never get them met again, and you may even cause an aversive reaction to be associated with meeting your needs.

This doesn't get better until you put the weapons down. (SDs, DJs, AOs) It will not get better. No matter what comes next in your plan, step number one needs to be to put those down. Otherwise all you are dealing with is mutually assured destruction.

Last edited by WizAsst; 05/07/11 10:31 AM.

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Meeting emotional needs is like learning to play a complicated musical instrument like a piano.

You may have learned how to play a scale.

She is still learning how to tune the instrument and can't sound a single note, yet.

From her point of view, you might as well be asking her to play a symphony.

You are not even a week out from your last fight. That's too soon to be expecting as much as you are expecting.

When you wish your wife would do something, and she does not, and you react this negatively -- you are making a demand.

And the way you are writing about it above is disrespectful.

These tools will not get you what you want.

Remember when it looked for a little while like things were looking up, a day or two back? Do you want to know what started that? It was your commitment to eliminate love busters. Now you are pulling them back out for use again. As long as you do that, don't expect much.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Markos - I totally agree. You just put it a lot more clear for Hill.

Thanks!


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I totally agree with you, too, Powerbane. Especially the "That was me for awhile earlier this year" part. That was definitely me.

Last edited by markos; 05/06/11 07:57 PM.

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Hill, have you ever lifted weights, tried to decrease the time you ran a mile, or played a sport?

When you step in the weightroom, you don't just sit down and bench 225 pounds (just throwing a number out there). You start with the bar and make sure your form is good. Then you start adding a bit of weight and slowly start getting stronger. Or you start running and it takes you 12 minutes to run a mile and you want to do it in 8 minutes. So you keep at it and little by little you start getting to where you want to be.

I have middle school and high school soccer players. With high school, I�m pretty much able to concentrate on tactics and not worry about technique. In other words, I don�t have to work with my striker to correctly �strike� the ball into the goal like I do a middle school soccer player. But when I had them in middle school, we had to start with the basics�knee over ball, body over knee, etc. I can�t just throw them in a formation and expect them to �get it�. They have to slowly learn the basics and they will fail a lot at first. They learn from experience and practice. But with my middle school athletes, it does me no good to get upset and yell at them if they don�t perform well when they�re just beginning.

I worked with a new client today in the gym. We started with dumbbell pressing. Her form was terrible. So I had to go through and show her the correct way to press. And she started with 10 pounds. Would it have done me any good to say, �Geez! Why can�t you get this? And only 10 pounds? Really? Why can�t you do better?!� Then we started on the conditioning aspect, she was getting exhausted on the first circuit and could barely make it 200 meters on the rowing machine. And even her form on the rowing machine was off so she was using way too much effort. Thing is she had no idea what she was doing. I can�t expect her to perform at the same level as my 21 year old trainee that I�ve been working with for 3 years now. I have to start her off on basic techniques and keep positively reinforcing them patiently.

You can�t expect immediate results. And getting emotional isn�t helping. If you think you�re acting like a �*** edit ***� then stop. It really is that easy. It�s easy and difficult at the same time. You know all those emotions that you can�t get control of that you realize you need to? Well, your wife is having trouble in the same way. And not only does she realize she needs to do a better job but now she�s afraid of the way you�ll react. We have a basketball coach at the school that if the athletes technique is off, he makes them run. So instead of working with the athlete to fix their shooting, he just yells and punishes the entire team. So now not only does this basketball player not know how to correctly to shoot but now he�s extremely nervous every time he steps up to shoot and it absolutely makes his shooting off more because now he�s nervous and doesn�t want to disappoint the coach.

My question to the basketball coach is, �do you really think he�s missing baskets on purpose?� and the same question to you, �do you really think she�s sitting around thinking how she�s not going to meet your needs today?�


Last edited by WizAsst; 05/07/11 10:32 AM. Reason: Vulgarity

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Walk me thru two things:

1. How to say no to her. She asks for anything I say sure. I'm not even into anything anymore. My likes revolve around whatever she wants, totally pathetic.

2. How to ask for things. I'm a simple guy don't need much. I don't ask for anything from my wife. I used to ask for sex but stopped that too. I've always wanted her to just do things for me without asking. Not sure why just how I am. I've never been one to inconvenience others you know?


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