You never stated that from the beginning, because you lied about the affair to this board.

I have come to realize there is a wealth of information here on MB for which I am thankfull for and will implement into my life.

I have also realized there are members who have recovered from either having a affair or who have been cheated on. Its those couples that give me hope.

You are talking about almost everybody here. Almost everybody has either recovered from having an affair or they have been cheated on. I don't understand your point. Those couples - as opposed to who else?

Swole--slow down. Stop. I mean, really stop. Stop worrying about what people on this board think of you and how to get us to like you. Stop worrying about grandiose shows of enlightenment how "your eyes have been opened."

I just read your whole thread, and it's been lie after lie after lie.

It's been all about Swole. Mr Swole this, Mr Swole that, I miss my family, I feel this, I feel that.

Have you stopped for one second to think about how your wife feels? The mother of your children? Sure, maybe she was withdrawn (but how can we know that since you've lied about everything to us since day 1?). But you had not 1--not 2--but at least 3 affairs. You should be begging her and God for forgiveness daily, and oozing gratitude that she even lets you TALK to her anymore after what you've done to her.

Do you really want to repair this marriage and keep your family together? Then stop thinking about Mr. Swole's needs and realize that your entire life needs to change. You are entitled to nothing. YOU are the one that has to change if you want your wife to give you yet another chance. You need to earn your marriage back, buddy.

I have no point to make. I was just stating my opinion. Its becoming clear to me that I have condition myself to think that because of my perceive lack EN,SF,UA I have allowed myself to break a vow that I took in front of God, family, and friends.

I have had 2 PA and 1 EA, that have left me ashamed, embarrassed and all by myself. I NEED HELP

I think about the pain I have caused each and every day. I have and will continue to pay and ask God for forgiveness!! I am trying!!!

HOW are you trying? Please list specific steps that you have taken to heal your marriage.

Dr Harley can tell you why you are the way you are for free!


Problem solved! NEXT!

You see, your problem is that you have poor boundaries around women. Change that and you solve the problem.

Change your boundaries and your problem will be solved. An alcoholic who is serious about staying sober stays out of bars; you have to stay away from other women and stop behaving like a weasel around them. You wouldn't have this problem if you would stop allowing other women to meet your needs. Don't flirt, don't gawk, don't have opposite sex friendships, stay off social networking sites, etc. Real simple. Stop being a weasel and start acting like a respectable married man.

Good Morning MB. First off I would like to apologize to anyone I have offended or disrespected (especially MaritalBliss). I came here looking for help and all I have done is made a mockery of myself by not being honest from the beginning.

My situation is this I have been married for 18+ years. During that time frame I have had 1EA and 2PA. We have separated about 4 times during our marriage only to both admit we never solved anything. I have used DJ towards my wife numerous times during the last 3 years as a excuse to end our marriage. I have conditioned myself over the years of our marriage that if our problems didn't get resolved our marriage would end in divorce.

My latest PA lead me to believe I was in love with OW. This begin by a simple hello I received from an online dating site. This PA lasted for about 1 month (Jan 29 til Feb 26. I had asked my wife for a divorce on Jan 17th. I knew what I was doing was wrong and at the time the only person I was thinking about was myself. Well something happened that has began me to question who I am as a man.

God spoke to me the last weekend I was with the OW. He made it perfectly clear he was not happy with the decision I was making. That awakened me. He has also shown me my marriage will be restored. I ended the PA right then and there. I have not spoken to other woman since then. I have deleted all contact information from computers and cell phone. I have talked to my wife about my latest PA (she knows of the others). I think I did a good job of explaining to her, it was not her fault. I admitted I was weak and allowed my boundaries to be broken.

I have done a lot of soul searching with myself and quit frankly I have come to the startling conclusion I am just like my father whom I despised. I always wanted to be totally opposite from him. I felt by me giving my family what I didn't have as a child entitled me to a certain appreciation by my family. When I felt that appreciation wasn't being met, I used the blame game as an excuse to end it all.

One of the hardest thing to admit is when your wrong. Even though I feel I am a good person, when I look in the mirror I do not like what I see.

I am a man who has lied and cheated in life. I have horrible boundaries issues with the opposite sex. From smiling to harmless flirtations. I have to rid myself of those vises. I used my perceived marital issues as an excuse to end a marriage that in all honesty has had more good years than bad.

I have asked my wife to reconsider my asking of the divorce. I have begged God and her for forgiveness on a daily basis. One of the best signs I got is when I went to withdraw the divorce papers they weren't even filed yet.

My wife and I have separated yet once again. One of the things we both have agreed is in order for us to reconcile it must me mutually agreed upon and for us to work on our individual issues.
She is not ready to talk to me about our issues. She's hurt and is trying to do her best with our girls. I respect her decision and when she is ready to talk I will be there with all ears. I have asked her what she needs from me and at this time she feels she just needs time.

When i'm with her and the girls it hurts me tremendously to know that my time with them isn't permanent at this time.

As for me one of the biggest things I have been able to accomplish is quit blaming my wife for my actions. No one held a gun to my head! I made poor decisions and I wish I could take them back.

I have removed all dating sites, removed all non family and friends from FB. I have a long ways to go but I am confident with God's help I will get there. One of the biggest things I have done is started back to church. For I know with God's help I will change for the better.

Thanks
Mr Swole

I am curious about something. Did you feel entitled and justified to commit adultery since you had asked your wife for a divorce?

Regretfully yes

You say you need help but you also tell those who are trying to GIVE you help not to post on your thread.

You are a piece of work. If all you want are kudos, pats on the back and coddling, you have come to the wrong place. We are here to help repair and restore marriages and patting you on the back when you are LYING will never help you OR your M.

Pointing out you asinine wrongs will help you restore your M.

If you want help you are going to have to hear the good AND the bad, listen up and realize that the posts that sting the most usually have a lot of truth in them.

You have some nerve telling posters who are trying to HELP YOUR SORRY B*TT after the giant mess YOU have made of your life not to post to you. Pretty soon you will have no one willing to post to you if you keep that nonsense up.

I can smell your entitlement from here.

You are right, you have made a mockery of yourself...worse yet, you have made a mockery of those of us who knew you were lying and when asked about it, you continued to do so.

Why not take a break from the boards for a day or two, or more if needed...until you can come back and tell us the ENTIRE TRUTH.

If help is what you want then this is your first step. Anything less and you are wasting your time and you are going to end up with a boatload of angry posters to boot.

I'm here for you, Mr. Swole. You may not like what I have to say at times. But I'm going to be your best friend, regardless.

Thank You!!

Well another day has gone by and my wife still doesn't want to talk about us. Its really hard on me realizing the pain I caused her, the emotions that she's going thru. I am at a lost as to what to do. I ask at least once a week whats she needs from me and we keep going back to our "she work on her- I work on me agreement". I am finding this difficult to handle because one of our biggest issues was communicating. Hopefully i am not coming off as selfish. I try not to push her. I have recommended MB to her for her, she feels I am trying to fix her. Is there another approach I can take? Or should I just let her continue to work on her?



Had a chance to spend some time with the girls this weekend and it was wonderful. To see their smile really made my day.

I try to improve myself each and everyday. Every time I find a fault with myself I jot it down on paper. Being by myself all I seem to do is take invetory of myself and pray to God for forgiveness and to make me a better person.

I miss my family very much.

Mr. Swole, don't mention Marriage Builders anymore. For now, anyway. Let's see if we can't win your wife over covertly for a bit.

Do you understand the concept of UA time? Let's start there. If you're unfamiliar with this concept, read about it here.

Plan a date with her for this weekend. Do it right - like when you first started dating, and you really wanted to impress her. Dinner, candlelight - heck, if you can swing an overnight at a hotel, so much the better. NO KIDS. Just the two of you. Grab your swimsuits and swim in the hotel pool. Sit by the fire in the lounge and talk about, whatever. Life. NOT your affairs. NOT your relationship. Think of fun things to talk about - be creative! If you could create a new food, what would it be? What is the one really crazy thing you've always wanted to do? Would you climb Mt. Everest if it was free? Walk the Appalachian Trail? Head up Wall Street? Keep it fun. Like back when you were dating.

I don't think dating is possible at this time. I have tried but she says no. So I try other ways of spending time with her, like making myself available whenever she needs something or taking her and the kids where they need to go. I must admit is it hard for me spending time with her because I still fill guilty and it hurts seeing her happy without me. When were at church it's pretty much hi and by. There has been no type of conversation that I can deposit the smallest amount of LB.

Hello MB!! It's been awhile since my last post and I wanted to give an update. I needed to get away and let my emotions go. Guilt was pretty much tearing me up. I cried pretty much everyday for a while.

I have come to the understanding that I needed to change the way I am. I am so thankful that @ 44 years of age I am capable of changing. The greatest thing I have done is gotten myself back in church. That in itself has been my saving grace.

I have told my wife everything about my A. It happened because I have boundry issues with the opposite sex and our marriage had become condusive for it to happen. Having the A not only hurt my wife but also our kids. We have both agreed that communication was our biggest issue. And we both don't want to come back into the same environment.

I have made it clear to my wife that no matter what happened in our marriage it was wrong of me to have a affair. She says she forgives me and I beleive her.

But here is where the conflict began. Back in July of last year we had just gotten back together after a 7 month seperation. We were even contemplating divorcing at that time. When we seperated she made it clear that she didn't want a divorce. While seperated we identified our issues but never came up with a plan for our recovery. We ended back into the same environment. Life issues were taking there toll on us and neither one of us was liking each other very well.

The first weekend in Jan, she and the girls were in a play. I surprised them by showing up and when I seen my wife on stage I saw the most beautiful woman in the world! When we got home I wanted to have UA time to let her know how proud of her I was and just love on her. The distance and uninterest she showed was unbearable and thats when I told myself the marriage was over. Little was I aware, that this was the start of a journey that I pray God will get us through. I had already been corresponding with the other woman on a friendly bases. I had what I felt at the time was enough of the same old unfullfillment and I let myself become infatuated with words of kindness and affection.

Well fast forward to know. I have gotten rid of every contact information I had from OW. I have deleted all emails, text messages, and pictures. I did let the OW know back in March 2011 I was going to do whatever I could to make my marriage work.

One thing I knew I had to do was concentrate on me. I needed to heal from years of neglect. I wrote my wife a long letter explaining what I felt were my issues with our marriage and ask her for the same. To this day I haven't gotten a reply from my wife for still feel hurt and needs time to process her feelings. This in itself is a thorn in myside for my wife has never been one to share her feelings. She keeps them inside whether good or bad. I have let her know that in order for us to really make this work we have to share our feelings no matter what they are. One issue that we have identified is when one of us is trying to explain theirs the other uses that time to express theirs. We have agreed to be more reconizable of each other feelings. I suggested and have been using words like "I feel or I feel like". This has helped us from taking each other words as attacks.

We both agrred communication and spending UA were our biggest issues. We both admitted there is trust issues on both sides. WE have been seperated for 3 months now and there has been no UA time together, just by phone. I try not to get discourage by her actions. I know she is hurt and dealing with things her way. I stopped asking her out on dates for all I get is reasons she can't go and that was a issue in our marriage. In time I pray she would want to start dating again because I am a romantic person at heart.

I have dove into reading Basic Concepts, SAA, HNHN, 5 Love Languages. I have asked my wife to take the time to read at least SAA back in Mar. She felt I was trying o help her so I backed off and just decided to concentrate on me.

One thing I have come to understand is somehow someway we have to put our marriage as the number 2 priority in our lives with God being first. At times I want to give up, but God won't let me!

I am learning patience for no matter what happened in the past God will bless our future!