OK, I see your point.

Chris, what are you going to DO?

You need to admit what you have done, to your WIFE.

Your ugly A needs to be exposed to ALL.

OW is a co-worker right? You need to leave that job, and you should tell them WHY you are leaving.

Set up a polygraph and go through with it to show your wife that you are willing to be HONEST about what you have done.

YOU need to do the heavy lifting.

And you have to let your WIFE decide if she wants to remain married to a serial adulterer, cuz she may not want to. And none of us here would fault her for that.

Ask your wife to come here and post.

Chris,

You say you aren't trying to make this all about you, but that is said in the same breath with "I want to run away and die somewhere". Those are the words of a immature, self-focused individual, so knock that off, okay? Those words do not communicate remorse, really they don't.

There is no time for hand-wringing. Show your remorse through ACTIONS.

-Get honest. 100%.

-Get to work on figuring out how to retrieve those deleted messages for your wife.

-Get the book Surviving An Affair and read it.

-Call the Harleys.

-Offer to give your wife a post nuptial agreement. Call an attorney and schedule an appointment to do that.

-Write out a list of Extraordinary Precautions that you will follow to prevent this from ever happening again.

If you are truly sorry and want your marriage, then be humble and lay yourself bare to your wife. No more drama, okay? That is not attractive and it does not demonstrate sincerity -- it only shows you to be most concerned about how this may impact you. And by the way, these posts to you are not full of "anger", "hostility" and "resentment" -- they are full of care for your marriage -- mine included.

Mrs. W

chris,

do the right thing for your family because you love them, stand up for what is right in this world, why hurt the ones you love for what a few conversations. WHY!!!
you need to become a better man and not let this stuff happen, it's up to you to love your family no one else................
no more mistakes....

Chris,

People have asked you questions on this thread. Are you planning on answering?

Mrs. W

Chris, this is really overly dramatic. It sounds to me like you are thinking that the way through this is to talk about how horrible what you did is, emphasize it, show that you agree that what you did was wrong and feel horrible for it, etc.

It is true that what you did was horrible. But simply beating yourself up verbally will never make your wife feel better. Instead of expressing dramatic guilt and talking about how horrible you are, let your feelings of REMORSE and COMPASSION FOR YOUR VICTIM motivate you to express care for your victim. Others are describing specific things you need to DO. Focus on what you can DO to make this better, not what you can SAY, because you can never make this better by mere words alone.

I've suggestions like:
* Be radically honest with your wife. Describe to her every message, have them retrieved, offer to take a polygraph test.

And I am going to add:
* Leave your job. You cannot be trusted around this coworker ever again.
* Get the book Surviving an Affair. Copy the no-contact letter from that book, put the names from your situation into it, address it to your co-worker in an unsealed envelope, and give it to your wife to mail.

Talk is cheap, sir. "Former" waywards are the ones who have dug themselves out of the hole, not those who have talked their way out of it.

This is merely an excuse not to do what was suggested.

You can DO the things that have been suggested WHILE your head spins and WHILE you digest everything that is sinking in.

Get up and DO.

If you TALK instead of DO, that will be a clear signal to your wife and to us that this is all just BS.

What is your wife's posting name?

Instead of focusing on how bad you have it, how about focusing on making this right with your wife and EARNING her forgiveness in a way you never have in the past? This is the time to put your money where your mouth is and back up all those professions of "care" with action.

Start with HONESTY. She has a right to know everything you said to this woman and withholding that from her is cruel and manipulative. You can't establish trust or recover a marriage based on a lie. That is the first step. You aren't being honest about your communications with this woman. Why not tell her the truth about deleted texts before she gets them on her own?

I can tell from your story here that you aren't being honest so I have no doubt she senses it too. That is the first step. This ship isn't going anywhere unless you are honest.

Don't we all!





Chris,

NOBODY is being hostile.

Nobody is resentful toward you.

Are some people angry toward YOU? NO!

Trying to help you see through your foggy excuses? YES!

Trying to help you see that the only victim here is your wife? YES!

Are posters blunt and to the point? YES! It's the only way to guide you out of your fog my friend.

Please pay attention....... Most of the people posting to you were once wayward spouses themselves, myself included..... We get it and we want to see you get it too, OK...

The way that I hurt my wife is unspeakable.........over someone that I don't even know. Yes, I do admit that I had an EA and I don't know why. My family is my foundation, my life and I'm trying to throw it away....WHY!!! What is wrong with me. My family doesn't deserve a person like me and certainly don't deserve them. I have the most beautiful loving wife but apparently that isn't enough for me. I want to do the right thing.

I need help, please! Don't hate me. I really want to do the right thing and came up with a list to start with:

1. I'm going to try and answer the questions on this thread.
2. I'm going to give my 2 week notice at my job.
3. I will have absolutely no contact with this OW.
4. I'm going to come up with a protection plan that I will post here for critiquing.

Theres going to be more added to this list.

Your list is a good start.

Please re-read what has already been posted to you. There are some questions needing answered and some suggestions that need added to your list.

#1 needs to be.... Disclose all information to my wife TODAY and be honest with her TODAY. OK?

I'm not innocent. I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I was having an EA. The sad thing is, is that I don't even really know this OW. My wife has been there for me over 16 years.

5. No more "Woe is ME" statements.

To paraphrase something another poster has often said:

"You are crying and screaming over a paper cut on your finger while your wife is lying on the floor, bleeding out from a knife wound through her heart."

STOP THAT!

Yes, you have screwed up your life and marriage, but you have screwed over your wife much, much worse. SHE is the one who needs help from YOU.

Talk to your wife today. Be honest with her and explain what you plan to do as a measure of beginning recovery in your marriage. Let her explain to you what she will require in order to recover from this.

Would your wife be willing to come here?

You are correct. You did engage in an emotional affair.

As for "why?" The answer to this question has already been posted in your thread. When you reread your thread to make a list of things to do and questions to answer, be on the lookout for the answer to this question. When you find it, write it down so you won't forget it. Then, don't obsess or be dramatic over this "why" question any more, okay? If you find yourself saying "why?" to yourself, just read the answer to yourself.

Chris, the answer to all of this is in your thread, as I said. I'm going to go back and find the answer for you. And then I'm going to show how you missed it!

Look:

That was your answer, Chris. Write it down. MelodyLane gave you the answer for free, possibly saving you thousands of dollars and years in therapy. You'll find that there are a lot of people here who are awesome that way!

This really is the answer to "why," Chris. There is no other. But you missed the answer, because you weren't listening. Look:


See that? You were arguing instead of listening. MelodyLane told you what the answer was, told you WHY you did what you did. This is the answer to why you had at least two affairs, and there is no other answer. But you missed it the first time because you were busy arguing and trying to defend yourself.

Don't do that any more, okay? It's extremely counterproductive for you. You have nothing to prove to us. Nobody gains anything out of you trying to talk us into believing something about you. Not you, not us, not your wife, not your children. Listen and take notes, okay? Don't be so quick to talk because YOU MISS IMPORTANT STUFF THIS WAY.

So here's your answer. Please write it down, and the next time you find yourself asking "why?" please don't post the question here again; just read the answer to yourself.

Go back through your thread and write down a list of questions to answer (my question is what is your wife's posting name. We want to see her thread, too.) And write down a list of things to do. Post your answers, and post your combined list, and then start ticking off things on the list, doing them all, starting with honesty to your wife.

You didn't have to "admit" it to your self, though, because you knew the truth. I appreciate your honesty here, but I would take it further. This is a good start. But the whole truth has to come out.

Why not start right here and tell us the true story of your relationship with this woman? How did it start? Where was it leading? Tell us the story so we understand it. We can help you tell the story to your wife in an honest, comprehensive way. That is the first step, honesty.

Chris, you already know ALL the truth about what you did!

We admit our guilt to our victims.

In your case you admit your shortcomings to your wife through the action of full disclosure and Radical Honesty.

Actually you knew her more than you are admitting....

Trying to soften the blow to your wife won't work, you'll do more damage withholding the truth than you will by letting it all come out.

Some simple truths,

You worked with her.

You talked and shared things with her.

You texted with her.

You IM'd with her.

You cared enough about her to warn her.

You were compelled to carry on inappropriate conversations with her despite know full well and good the risk to your marriage.

You liked that someone was giving you attention.

You have a high need for admiration and were drawn to the OW because she began meeting this need for you.

You were keeping secrets.

You were lying to your wife.

You were deceptive with your wife in regards to the nature of your relationship with the OW.

These are just a few simple truths I can gleen from your posts thus far............

Basically, you knew and cared about this OW enough to protect her rather than protect your wife.....

These were all choices YOU made!