Hi all, I'm not entirely sure why I'm here. I have the sweetest H who is probably paying a price at times with me he shouldn't.

Due a past betrayal or betrayals, if you count others than romantic R's, I have trust issues. From the time it was apparent my H was serious about us, b4 M I've stepped up some drinking abuse. I love him with all that I am, and know he hates this. Sometimes I wonder if I'm daring him to be like others and let me down. Truth is, I'm letting him and myself down when I don't take care of me.

I have had a need to ask him to be more considerate in some areas. He really has made an effort and improvement to every request.

Probably what I need is prayers. It's obvious I have some things to work thru and I need to be more motivated to do so b4 I have to post that the greatest H is fed up with me. Has anyone else here had a self-destructive nature that made you fear loosing what you adored most?

What is the problem specifically?

rtt, your post made me realize something: self-destructive behavior is selfish behavior. Maybe that's where you can start.

Have you read the Basic Concepts on this site? (See the red "Basic Concepts" tab across the top, or the yellow "Most Popular Links box to the right.) Those are an even better place to start.

Welcome to MB. You have all the tools you need here to improve your marriage.

Problem is me mostly. I can't bear a label like 'holic' but there is something wrong with my habits I can't deny.

I've looked for anything everywhere that could mean he was a betrayer also. There is none. All things that bothered me about his behaviors that I considered boundry issues b4 M, he headed and adjusted.

I have to learn to trust and I have to stop testing a great man who passes every test. I have to treat myself better even if there was a great man or not. I may have to acknowledge something other than trust issues making bad decicions for my life without my consent - substance. That is SO hard to admit that something that could be harmless in a person of self-control, is taking control of you. Especially when you live with some one who wouldn't care if he never had a drink again. And, you came from a family where it was not an issue for anyone. What is wrong with me?

Thank you, I read them a while back but should re-read. Funny enough, my M is better than I feel I deserve. I want to head off having a need to post otherwise. I spoke with a recovered DA last week while maintaining my cover. My stance was, perhaps certain pains cause self-abuse. After 15 years of no drugs or drinking and constant self evaluation he said that behavior was as self-indulgent as it gets. He didn't even know exactly how he was speaking to me. I appreciate what he said more than he will know.

I still don't understand what the issue is. What is the problem exactly? I am unhappy because he does ____________. He is unhappy because I do____________.

He near never expresses unhappiness. It does displease him when I over-induldge. Can't say I thrill myself with this action either.

Him, I would appreciate if he wouldn't procrastonate things as much. Truth is, I can procrastonate some things also, so I'm limited in what I can say about it. Some things he puts off, tho, mean much bigger problems when it can't be put off longer.

What can we do for you?

Wave a magic wand? Make me admit something I guess I have to.
I come from a family that can have innocent tostes to occassions. We can have dinners out and include some wine and I am in check with these settings.

Left to my own devices, I am a menace to myself. I've embarrased him I know, and I am so sorry for that.

I want to be like other loved ones, can have a reasonable amount of wine or other and live without it fine otherwise. It hurts so much to admit, there is something wrong with me, that I can only do that in moments in time. Left to myself and a bottle, the bottle will win. If my H never had a drink again, he wouldn't feel he missed anything. I want to be more on his page with this. I really wouldn't miss anything either, but need to re-structure the environment some to change habits.

So you're saying you have a drinking problem and can't drink responsibly. Then don't drink. Go to AA and get a sponsor if needed. It doesn't matter that you wish you could have control of your drinking... If you can't, you can't

You really need to stop beating around the bush.

1) You drink too much. You don't like it, he doesn't like it. Change it. Only you can do this and only if you are willing to. There are also programs that can help you.

2) You have self confidence issues. Maybe UA time would help with this, maybe sobering up will help, but it's hard to see the root of the problem when you are being so evasive.

MB doesn't work well until addictions are dealt with. You might start there and then ask some specific questions about what you want to change in your marriage.

Thank you Anoni, There would probably be a thing here or there I'd want him to change, but mostly it is me.

I do drink too much and neither of us like it. It is kind of an elephant in the room tho.

It's not like I'm drunk all the time. But why ever be drunk? It's so hard to believe he loves me. He shows it everyday. I appreciate it all the time, then act like me, insecure and weak with the legal drug and that's what propels most arguements. Part tho, I'm kind of a conflict avoider. The guard down helps me say what is hurting. Problem with that, if one isn't in control of his/her mind completely, their words won't be taken as seriously.

No kidding. Why do you beat around the bush like this? Do you want to be understood? If you are an alcoholic, then go to AA and sober up. Tell your H to go to Alanon. But if you want to be understood you are going to be forthright rather than cagey.

I really didn't mean to be cagey. I didn't come from a place that this would exlpain, "of course that would likely be an issue". There is alot of shame and it took so much courage to post what I have at this point. You all have a right to voice anything, but I hope you will bear in mind, I didn't seek an EMA to deal with how this feels or avoid it. I haven't blamed my H, in fact I still state how amazing he is. I want to be better. That's why I posted.

You said your H is fed up. What's going on, why do you say that?

The best solution to self-destructive behavior is to stop it. Just stop destroying your life. You get no brownie points for not cheating; you shouldn't be doing that anyway, so it's not a PLUS that you substituted something else.

What betrayals are you talking about? Would your H be on board with MB to address those if it also meant you could not drink without his agreement?

Honestly, I don't know what any of this means, dear. Like I said, if you want to be understood, you will have to talk straight and stop beating around the bush. Did you have an affair? Is that what you are saying here? If so, then just say it. No one can help if you are cagey. I have read all of your posts and still have no better understanding of what the problem is than your first post.

Rtt, your first line in your first post said
The answer is simple. You are here asking for help.

First I have some questions, then I have some comments.

How long have you been married. Is this your first one? If not, how many times have you been married? If not married, how many serious relationships?

How old are you? Husband? Any kids, if so how old?


Who had the affairs that cause you the trust issues? How many, what kind, who with, what is the story behind them? How long did they go on? Do you have a history of sexual abuse? Physical abuse? Emotional abuse? Verbal abuse?

Rtt, I am an alcoholic. I was a total drunk by the age of 18, a royal drunk during a large part of my first marriage. During that first marriage, I was also a drug addict. Got scared straight there when I got a hit of acid not speed, bad, very bad trip. Quit cold turkey on drugs. That was 30 years ago, and to this day I do not like taking so much as an aspirin. In between my first and second marriage, I was a wild drunk!

Any way I look at it, I am an alcoholic. Now I am a Recovering Alcoholic, but once one, always one! I'm proud to say I've been dry for close to 15 years now. My parents were, most of my extended family were, my siblings were, most of them still are. The ones still alive that is.

Knowing WHY you drink is only a small part of the battle to stop, and it is a battle. I got hit with the face of reality, and it made it easy for me to quit drinking. I found my mother drunk as a skunk at 7 in the morning, when she was sound asleep at 2:00 am when I went to bed. Problem is, I did not see her sitting at the table drunk, I saw ME. That scared me sober right then and there.

Your face of reality, hopefully will not be, posting here that you lost that wonderful husband I believe you have. If you do not get help, you WILL indeed, lose him.

I do not believe you mean to be cagey and scattered in your posts, I believe you are drinking, most likely, drunk as you write these. I recognize myself in your writings.

There is no shame in admitting you are an alcoholic. The shame comes when you know it, but do nothing about it. Admit it, then do something about it!

I say it was easy for me to quit drugs, to quit drinking, but what is easy? Easy to stop, sure. I was scared straight on both. Easy to remain clean? Heck no. I still fight urges to this day to drink. Like today, today was a day that had there been anything TO drink, I'd of been typing like you tonight.

I know that self destructive behavior. I know it too well. I lived it for a long long time. One thing I can say, is this is not the place you need to be right now. Before Marriage Builders can help, you need to get the drinking under control.

Alcoholics Anonymous

That is where you need to be first. Find a local meeting and GO! Call them, and GO! I know several people who go to these meetings and they really DO help, IF you LET THEM!

Open yourself up to a whole new world out here! And there IS a whole new world waiting for you! From the sounds of it, you have one awesome husband who will be waiting, but he won't wait for long.


This paragraph said far more than I think you know. There are no magic wands, you know that! Only you can admit to your addiction. Until you do, you won't get help, because you won't allow help to reach you!

Step one: ADMIT YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC!!! Just say it! Outloud. To yourself, to your husband, to anyone who will support you in your quest to be able to put RECOVERING in front of it!!! That probably won't be those loved ones without problems in their drinking. When it comes to addictions, it takes one to understand one!

Step two: GET RID OF ANY ALCOHOL IN THE HOUSE!!!! Just pour it down the drain, there is something VERY FREEING about doing this!!! With each glug of the bottle going down the drain, you are gaining control of YOU!!! REFUSE to have any brought in, just keep temptation away!!!

Step three: Enlist the help of your husband. Have him go with you to your first AA meeting or two. Let him help you!

Step four: Acknowledge that you are not like other loved ones, you will NEVER be able to have a reasonable amount to drink. You will NEVER be able to pick up ANY drink, and be able to stop drinking! It's a addiction. It's disease. It's NOT our fault we are wired that way, it IS our fault when we know it's a problem and we choose to do nothing about it! We ALWAYS have that choice! We have that choice each time we pick up a drink. Do NOT let the bottle control you!

Step five: Get to an AA meeting and get a sponsor from the start! I have recently become a sponsor to an alcoholic who is desperately trying to stop. I have gotten phone calls at some pretty wild hours. Do not be afraid to call, they expect odd hours! He is now at six weeks, two days sober!

This last line has me curious:


Do you mean an emotional affair? EMA? If so, get to AA first, then come back here. We can't help you if you are drinking. Yes, it's true, some times it's easier to say what you want to say when the bottle controls the courage. But it's also true, no one takes you seriously. It's because we can't hear what you are saying.

Unless we have been in your shoes. The shoes I wear today are much more comfortable. I have a spare pair, you can pick them up at your local AA meeting!!!

Keep in touch!

Thank you for all the input NoStress. This is 1st M. Together 5 yrs, M 3 and no children. We've both had serious R b4. This is the strongest romantic love I've ever had.

There have been no EA or PA's in our R. This doesn't take any effort for me, he's the only man I want. I have been cheated on in the past, and it really sticks with a person!

Oddly enough, the cheater was a drug user, yet he got the sober me. I guess I was busy taking care of and unknowingly being an enabler.

You are right, my H is a great man. He has been so patient. I don't want to wait for him to tell me his patience is running or has run out. If I'm sick of me...and I am sick of this immature self-indulgent behavior.

You've reached out the most. You know I only just read your tag. That's self-absorbed and not who I want to be.

Thank you for your time and thought. I feel good today. Just getting it out helps alot. I have a dinner date with the love of my life, and feel very optomistic about making positive changes.

If it helps, I'm happy to share my story. rtt....reach out, there ARE people out there to help! I've just finished up a long drawn out text exchange with my stbxh over custody of our daughter, and finding this, has put that in perspective again for me. Thank you for that! Enjoy your dinner and stay away from the wine. Wine was my drink of choice. It's vicious.

There are a billion women who wish they were in your shoes with the wonderful caring loving husband. Don't blow it over a bottle. Please! Make the call.

I'm glad my crappy habit was good for something, especially someone as caring as you.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with D & C issues. Sounds like you've been thru alot. I admire you've held fast to your sobriety in the tough times. For many it would have made for a fine excuse.

No wine or mixed drinks with dinner. Solomn promise. Just a lovely evening with an adorable and adoring man who deserves my best. I appreciate your reaching out so much!