|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
We have no kids, this is why I want to sort this out. Im a young woman (IM A GREAT CATCH) and I want a family some day. I either want to figure out if there is any hope here - or move on with no regrets. Im not being cake for him to eat.
Got so mad today at all the fogbabble hes given me over the past year
"we'll still be friends - i'll make sure you don't get sucked in by any losers who are no good for you, ill look out for you still - just want it so we can still talk if we need to - If im away from you maybe ill realise what ive lost...."
TOO BAD
Im struggling to find an intermediary, everyone says theyre 'too angry for me' 'dont want to get sucked in to arguments'
my bro is my best shot here i think, but i would need to coach him a lot. As it stands I am the calmest one!
He says he can do if he doesnt have to think on his feet. If I give him a stock answer he has to stick to. So that stock answer should be 'its in the letter, will you agree to the letter, she hasnt said anything else'
Finances will be fine, just need sorting out
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
CCing OW on the Plan B letter is actually in SAA. That is where I got the idea from. It came from DrH so I trust it 100%.
And, I don't drink coffee but I still go out for "coffee" with friends. What you drink doesn't matter, it's the environment that you are in. If you are in a public place, like a coffee shop, your WH will be on his best behaviour. He may turn you down too. It would still be plan A just asking him to join you. You could still go and then take a pic of a yummy drink or scone in front of an empty chair and write some comment with it. Maybe.....
How are you doing today? It may be a little slow today, as it is Father's Day. Have you given a stab at reading my thread? It is pretty long, but I went into Plan B around page 44. You may get some extra support by reading it. There have been A LOT of people who have helped me. Some of them rarely post anymore. It might be a good way to spend some time. I trust DrH an I trust you, just aware that have been putting my plans in place in a mixed order! Will take a look at thread Love it, particularly that your 'answering machine was broke' I thought my wh was funny.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709 |
"we'll still be friends - i'll make sure you don't get sucked in by any losers who are no good for you, ill look out for you still - just want it so we can still talk if we need to - If im away from you maybe ill realise what ive lost...." Yup. Just more ways to justify things in his own mind. Sure I was unfaithful and strayed ... but hey I am still looking out for her and her best interests. Gee I am such a nice guy. Indie, I am so glad that you can see through this. Not letting him get away with this is part of the reality and consequences of how he is living his life.
Last edited by pokerface; 06/19/11 12:27 PM. Reason: typo
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
Keep reading, it gets better  Get everything sorted out, and you will be okay. If you can't find an IM IRL, I would be willing to be an email IM for you. Just ask the mods to send my your email addy. 
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,254
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,254 |
Just remember, ws' are notorious for trying to never completely burn a bridge with their bs. Some who want to really cake eat do this. My xwh did that too.
he even tried to tell me he wished that:
1)we could amicably divorce
2)he'd move me into same subdivision, albeit in a less pricey part of it
3)we could still have sunday dinners together (yea like me cook for him and his ho?)and he could come over to dinner at MY house (I am NOT his ho)
4)we'd get to be friends (ie me get to be friends with his ho)
My answer was no with a quick hang up of the phone.
You see, they don't want to be viewed by the world as the "bad guy or girl" and they also deep down want BOTH of you and since they're having or forced to make a choice they initially choose many times the addiction. Sadly THAT INITIAL CHOICE IS REGRETTED BEYOND BELIEF BY THE WS and many come home after that.
He's foggy and wacked in the head right now. He also is missing some of the wonderful things you do for him, and the ENs you still meet. He's gotten himself into quite a fix, and he's got these crazy addiction type brain neurotransmitters making him feel one thing, but his THINKING brain is wanting him to do something else. So he's messed up.
Your job is plan B. Go silent and dark. UN-CONFUSE that foggy brain of his. Once everybody knows that ow is a horrid skank who has come on to all of her dead husbands' married male friends, there will be no welcoming committee for her.
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
Scotland I may have to take you up on that. Just asked my bro if he would be an email only IM -wouldnt have to talk and he said 'not comfortable'. Sigh.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
Just remember, ws' are notorious for trying to never completely burn a bridge with their bs. Some who want to really cake eat do this. My xwh did that too.
he even tried to tell me he wished that:
1)we could amicably divorce
2)he'd move me into same subdivision, albeit in a less pricey part of it
3)we could still have sunday dinners together (yea like me cook for him and his ho?)and he could come over to dinner at MY house (I am NOT his ho)
4)we'd get to be friends (ie me get to be friends with his ho)
My answer was no with a quick hang up of the phone.
You see, they don't want to be viewed by the world as the "bad guy or girl" and they also deep down want BOTH of you and since they're having or forced to make a choice they initially choose many times the addiction. Sadly THAT INITIAL CHOICE IS REGRETTED BEYOND BELIEF BY THE WS and many come home after that.
He's foggy and wacked in the head right now. He also is missing some of the wonderful things you do for him, and the ENs you still meet. He's gotten himself into quite a fix, and he's got these crazy addiction type brain neurotransmitters making him feel one thing, but his THINKING brain is wanting him to do something else. So he's messed up.
Your job is plan B. Go silent and dark. UN-CONFUSE that foggy brain of his. Once everybody knows that ow is a horrid skank who has come on to all of her dead husbands' married male friends, there will be no welcoming committee for her. I hate the word amicable - had it thrown at me so many times. Break ups - especailly of marriages are never amicable! If you want to break someone's heart - fess up, do it honestly and ideally without screwing their friends.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
Had a good time tonight.
Walked into our local with H's mum ( I looked very good!). A mutual friend got me up to sing 'these boots are made for walkin' Lots of people telling me I could do SO MUCH better. A male friend (from a couple we know) asked for me to email him the text pics. He says H's friends know they are being lied to and want the evidence 'that they will go spare at being lied to'.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,155
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,155 |
Well done indie, just a little warning though be cautious around males right now especially the ones who know about your situation as they might see you as an easy target to acquire as they might perceive you as vulnerable and have your guards down.
I know your not stupid but just thought to bring it up to make sure your not overly trusting of anyone just because they claim to be on your side.
BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months
Divorced
Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.
If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870 |
You see, they don't want to be viewed by the world as the "bad guy or girl" and they also deep down want BOTH of you and since they're having or forced to make a choice they initially choose many times the addiction. Sadly THAT INITIAL CHOICE IS REGRETTED BEYOND BELIEF BY THE WS and many come home after that. Yes peachy is correct, and do you know why they want to look like the nice guy? They are afraid. Afraid of being caught with thier hand in the cookie jar, thier pants down, running away from what people are supposed to do as responsible adults, but they want it thier way and can't "Help the way they feel", and all kinds of  of that nature. If they had guts, (which they don't), because they stood on the solid foundations of love as others know it to be,(which thier foundation is sand), they would care less if they were the nice guy, because they would trade that anyday for being the loving guy. He's foggy and wacked in the head right now. He also is missing some of the wonderful things you do for him, and the ENs you still meet. He's gotten himself into quite a fix, and he's got these crazy addiction type brain neurotransmitters making him feel one thing, but his THINKING brain is wanting him to do something else. So he's messed up. Yup, and he just doesn't understand that he can't have both things as he sees them, or maybe believe that it is what he is doing is the problem. It the easy adultry emotional escapism that in the long run is no escape at all, he is fooling himself. If you want to get what is right you need to do right, and he is taking the easy way out. Well done indie, just a little warning though be cautious around males right now especially the ones who know about your situation as they might see you as an easy target to acquire as they might perceive you as vulnerable and have your guards down.
I know your not stupid but just thought to bring it up to make sure your not overly trusting of anyone just because they claim to be on your side. I agree with this also. I accually knew men who were predators looking for angry upset women who want to get back at thier H or BF, and had no problem pulling the wool over the Girls eyes, and also those guys stupid enough to try to save the Damsel in Distress, fall in love, and cause more problems than they helped. They mean well but get drawn into the drama. If you seek a male friend for counsel, make sure he is professional and REALLY cares about you and your wellbeing, like a member of clergy or personal IC with maturity who will help you gain freedom rather than another form of inapropiate emotional attachtment. Your job is plan B. Go silent and dark. UN-CONFUSE that foggy brain of his. Once everybody knows that ow is a horrid skank who has come on to all of her dead husbands' married male friends, there will be no welcoming committee for her. I second this of course. Sounds like you need a good IM and as Scotland has offered I would message a Moderator as she asked.. Just MHO. You have a lot of heavy hitters here for you. God Bless and best wishes
Me 56 Former BS Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years. 4 children DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4 Me former BS DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr DSs 26 and 23 Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
Remember to add the comments suggested at the bottom of the plan b letter you are sending her. ??? indie, are you sending a Plan B letter to OW??? I didn't have to do a Plan B letter, so I will defer to others who have, but is this not giving some ammunition to the OW?
Last edited by maritalbliss; 06/19/11 09:00 PM.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870 |
Thats a good point MB. I didn't read the whole thread but somewhere I saw a recommendtion of CC a copy of something.
Indie the Plan B letter is personal between you and WH, so just think it over if its not allready crystal why you would send a copy of the plan B to her.
Now I know exposure letters are sometimes CCed to OWs or OMs. It pulls a lot of weight when it a workplace issue and they see that management, all thier friends or aquantence, co workers, know what up.
Just be sure of what you are doing, so you don't let skank get any info that will help her.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,155
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,155 |
CCing OW on the Plan B letter is actually in SAA. That is where I got the idea from. It came from DrH so I trust it 100%. When you send your WH the Plan B letter, you should send her a copy of it as well with an extra line that says something like, "I am willing to make WH happy and I am patient enough to wait you out.". This way she knows that he didn't pick her. That YOU forced him to do this and that you aren't going away that easily. If you are going to email it to her, make sure that you get a new email addy first. I figured out that my WHs OW probably didn't get the letter. She most likely bloacked me. Oh well. Doesn't matter much. Hey MBliss just for reference my comment was a follow on from scotlands plan b letter suggestion quoted above.
BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months
Divorced
Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.
If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
NB, thank you. Like I said, I never had to do a Plan B, so I'm not the expert. My concern is that a 'love letter' like a Plan B letter, should be between husband and wife. If Dr. H. says it should include the OW I won't comment further. Although I am stunned to read that it should include the OW. I need to go back and read SAA again to clarify this in my mind. Oops - I commented further. 
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,155
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,155 |
I am far from the expert on plan B. Just thought in the case of this specific OW it would be appropriate as she is the he Jelous hysterical type and reading about her new boyfriends good marital moments will inevitably send her on a spin. Plus the little extra note at the bottom is a nice FU message.
BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months
Divorced
Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.
If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
Remember to add the comments suggested at the bottom of the plan b letter you are sending her. ??? indie, are you sending a Plan B letter to OW??? I didn't have to do a Plan B letter, so I will defer to others who have, but is this not giving some ammunition to the OW? You CC THE Plan B letter to the OW. With an added line, it was in SAA. It lets the OW KNOW that the choice was not WHs and it throws a further wrench in the A.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
Thank you for jumping in here, Scotty!
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
I guess I needed to read the rest of the posts before I decided to do some posting of my own.
As I stated though, it IS in SAA. I read it when I was going to go into Plan B myself. It isn't often suggested. I think that is mainly because the BS doesn't always know the contact info for the OP. In my case, I did. Looking back though, I think she may have blocked my email addy and I should have used one of the other ones I have that she doesn't know about.
I used to take solace in the fact that she knew about the Plan B letter. It made me feel like she knew that there was a time limit on this A and I would be waiting.
Sorry Indie, just thought I would clarify it, didn't mean to T/J
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
Thank you so much for helping indie, Scotty!
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870 |
I think its an awesome stratedgy also, psycologically<sp> the OP will see how much the Wayward used to love the BS, and the pressure will be on that could break the fantasy faster. Lots of different angles there.
I guess my worry was generated because I thought MB or the Forums might be mentioned in the Plan B letter,(and that probably isn't nessesary that they be made specific), and as you said MB it might be a source of information OP could use against BS, or help in legal matters.
Good to know because I had allways suggested Dr H be recomended in plan B letters as one way for a WS to look for a way back.
Of course an ammended form of Plan B letter could be sent with Marriage Buliders, Dr H, and the Forums left out along with the added line suggested. But still I am glad I know that now. Thanks guys.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
623
guests, and
50
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
