I am new here and hoping to find some help. 3 months ago I found out that my husband of 3 years has been having an affair for almost 2 years. We have 2 children together and we each have a child from previous relationships so in total we have 4 children. The onnly reason I found out about the affair was because the OW had a child 5 months ago. My husband kept the affair and the child a secret from me all this time. He received a letter in the mail stating he was a parent in a possible paternity and medical support case. I aske dhim about it and he still denied it. Finally I kept pushing for the truth and he broke down and said he messed up really bad. He didn't know how to tell me what was going on because he doesn't want to lost his family. He admits everything that happened was wrong and he wants no part of OW or the child. The OW worked with him and thats how this started. The worst part is that the affair happened during the time I was pregnant with my son and I was unable to have sexual intercourse with my husband because of complications with the pregnancy. She became pregnant when my son was 3 months old. It hurts to know that instead of being with me he was out making another family. He says he never loved her and it was only about sex and this wasn't supposed to have happened but why take the chance?? In either case the OW left the job because she couldn't stand to be at work knowing he wanted no part of their child. He told her from the day she said she was pregnant that he did not want it and was not going to be a part of it if she chose to keep it. She said that was fine she could do it alone. Now that the child is here she wants him to be a part and he refuses. HShe told him the least he can do is pay the medical insurance as she does not want child support . He is not on the birth certificate but in order for the child to get insurance he has to be so they are going for a paternity hearing to which he has admitted to being the father. HMy husband works 2 jobs which is how he was able to keep it hidden for so long. I was under the impressin he was coming straight home at nights and he wasn't always. He denies the affair lasted 2 years and says when she said she was pregnant he stoppe dand realized his family is more important then what he was doing. She says he was stil coming around even after the child although he kept telling her he didn't want anything to do with the child . When I finally found out he completely cut off communication with her andsays he is trying to do what is right by his family. He says he loves me and our family and that the OW and child mean nothing. He doesn't want to talk about them or hear about them. I spoke to OW and she said she wants nothing from him but for their daughter to know who her father is. HE said no. He said no that the child is a constant reminder of what happened and he never wanted things to get that far. He said we can go to counseling, he leaves his cell phone where I can see it and check it anytime I want to, he is trying to be home more often although he still has to work the 2 jobs. I see he is trying but it is very hard for me to get over. The timing and the fact that I truly don't know if he ended things or is just waiting to see what happens. THe OW said that he told her once things cooled down he would be back but he denies that and says why would he ever want to risk his family again . ANd that for the past years he has lived with the guilt of what would happen if I findout and how he could lose his whole family and his whole world. He said if we divorce he still has no intentions of being with her or the child. Hehates her and says the mention of her and the situation makes him sick and he just wants it to be all over and top focus onour marriage and being the husband he should have always been. He is the greateste father to our children and they all adore him ,. I honestly do not feel bad for the OW as she knew he was married and still kept having him over. She said he told her that our marriage was having problems, but she knew every night that he came home to me and our kids. He never told her any different. I don't know how any woman could be ok with having a sexual relationship and taking the chance of having a child with a man who is married and alreayd has 4 children. I am so lost and have no one to really talk to as he tells me that he doesn't want anyone to know and this is somethign he needs to deal with and he doesn;'t want me involve. He doesn't want to hurt me ever again the way he has hurt me. He says our marriage and our home is his top priority. He doesn't care what anyone else thinks or says and that what happens in our home is all he is concerned with. He has been trying to spend more time with me but its so hard for him to tell me he wants to fix our marriage when I never thought it was broken. During his affair we took family trips, he was always home at night he never missed a night not being home. He never showed any signs of anything being wrong. It just scares me that all of a sudden now that I know what happened the OW doesn't call or text or come around .I;'m afraid she might still call him at work so I won't know. I mean he was so good at lieing to me for so long so how do Ilet it go and move on and try to repair my marriage? I love him even through what he did and I know he didn't have to choose to stay with e and deal with all the emotions I go through and he could have to just left and been with her and or alone but he chose to stay and try and work onus so am I supposed to give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he truly does regret what happene and he really does wish for things to get better with us? He gets really upset anytime I bring up the topic or mention her or the situation . He says that I need to let it go. He wants nothing to do with her or the child or the situation and I'm not letting him get passed it because I keep dragging him back to it.
I apologize for this being so long I just needed to get it all out.

Wow, that is too long and needs to be broken up into paragraphs.

How long have you been married? How old are both of you? How old is the OW? First, get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley. You can order it at the top of this website or try your local library. Next, your husband needs to come clean with you about the whole affair which I don't think he has. Don't talk to the OW anymore...she will lie to you. Next, your H needs to go complete NC with this woman whether he wants contact with the OC or not.

You say he claimed paternity in a hearing. Did they have a DNA test? If not then I would INSIST on one.

My guess is somewhere between what OW told you and your WH told is the truth. I doubt the A is over. Most likely he says he hates her to throw you off track.

Go to the Operation Investigation forum and find out how to do some real sleuthing.

Also, you should not be keeping your WH's secrets. Exposure is your best tool for breaking up the affair. Find out the OW's parents, friends etc and expose to them. Expose the A to your WH's family, friends and employer. Don't threaten or warn him...just expose.

Well I am 32 and he is 33. His sister knows of the affair as does my bff. His sister lives in a different state but knows the OW. The OW called his si and toldher and his sis knows the whole story. She told me what the OW told her but the stories don't match. She said the OW was crying to her because she felt bad for ruining my marriage and that she regrettd having the child but just wants him to be a father . She said her fam is asking a lot of questions as to where is the father and she is starting t realize how bad this all is and isafraid of how bad she will look when people know the whole story. He has not spoken to her since this all happened except for recently she called and I saw the missed call and made him call back in front of me. It was about insurance then he hung up. His sister said the OW told her that he told her from thebeginning this kid was not a part of his life and he has no feelings for it and he sees it as her kid not his. He never looked at it as his kid. He told her she can raise it alone and told her over and over he hates her. The Ow told the sis that he is. Different person then the one she was having an affair with and that she didn't know he had a side like this to hate her and just not care and walk away. The sis told :- once he says he is done with someone or something then thas it he doesn't look back and he has always been like that.he does not speak to his ex before me and I am the one that talks to her about thei daughter so I know when he doesn't want to deal with someone he can block it out. He says the only way we will get past this is if I let it go because he istrying to do right and I'm not letting him show me he is trying because I keep bringing her and th kid up.I believe him to and extent my fear is how long did this realy last and did it end only because I found out. It seems like he wanted to get caught and be doe with it all. He said he was happy I found out because he didn't know how to tell me an didn't want to hurt me so me getting a letter forced him to tell me.

I do think the OW said things for me to not want my marriage to work becaue she said as long as I'm in the picture he won't be there for their kid and that she was sorry I got caught in the middle of things which makesno sense because I am the maried one and she came in the middle of my marriage! He sad if we end he still won't be there because he wants nothing from those people. The hard part is that my son and her child are 1 year apart an I'm dreading that month so much. They don't work together anymore and his sis said that he was never apart of the child and he never lovedher and she never loved him. It was never a relaionship just sex. He doesn't understand why I cry or why its so hard to get over he just says I can't change what happened no matter how much I dig for information it happened and I can't and he can't take it back we can only move past it and deal with it and know that he will never do anything again in his life to risk his marriage or family. He wears his wedding ring eery day and doesn't take it off where before he hardly ever wore it. I check his phone and texts all the time and I haven't seen anything from her. I just don't know if its the calm before the storm because for her to just stop is surprising.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Heartbroken. But I am living proof that things can get better with the right plan of action.

First, when was the DNA test taken, if it was indeed taken yet? You will probably want to do some things to protect your assets from OW's clutches. She may say she doesn't want CS, but I bet that will change. You will probably want to talk to an attny before you take any DNA tests. If there's no proof your H is the father, OW may end up dropping it and moving on with her life. (Fingers crossed!)

Second, you and WH need to get down to the truth. When I exposed my A to my BH, it took a few talks before all of the dirt came out. But we sat down one evening with glasses of wine and dessert and I basically told him to ask anything he wanted and I would give him the full truth and he would listen without angry outbursts, but after this conversation we both decided to never talk about it again. It was a love buster and hurt us both to talk about it, and we've kept that vow ever since. So maybe you need to have a "relaxed" conversation about it then after that drop it to avoid re-living this and start healing.

Third, make sure to start building love. My BH and I had to really work at this (esp with an infant), but make romantic time together, and make sure to fulfill each others' physical and emotional needs. Find time, no matter what. I know it sounds impossible, but it truly is possible.

To make sure he's not seeing her on the side, you may want to do some investigation as mentioned earlier. I know it sounds sly, but waywards know what you want to hear. I am a complete open book to my BH now, and I'm glad your H is not in opposition to your "snooping." But don't be fooled again--make sure he doesn't have another cell phone on the side, or secret e-mails. If he acts defensive or secretive about ANYTHING he may still be communicating with OW.

We're here for you, Heartbroken. Don't lose hope. There are MANY who have trekked this broken path before you and have made it out whole.

I think you may have a serial cheater on your hands. He had kids with an x dumped her (why, when, where, what, and for who), then while with you he knocks up another.

I would as his xw if he stepped out on her as well.

Wanthealing.. thank you very much for all your advice. With regards to the DNA test, they have a hearing coming up next month to determine paternity however he filed the form admitting to being the father as he knows he is and there is no denying a child that looks exactly like you and all of your other children. As far as assets, everything we own is in my name and not his and our home is in my parents name and mine. Initially she didn't want anything at all from him because she said she could handle being a single mother on her own. Apparently after the child was born she went into a deep depression realizing she couldn't handle it and that the child needed its father .

He told her he didn't want to be a part of it or her and that he told her that from the beginning and she said she understood. Thats when she said that she couldn't stay working at the same job knowing he wanted nothing to do with her and the child so he would have to pay for the insurance at least and that she wants nothing more from him but to at least be able to tell the child in the future that he did acknowledge her and he did pay for her medical. When I spoke to her she told me the same thing that she wants nothing from him but for him to pay the insurance and she wanted him to be there for the child.

My H said that he has told me everything and that he is not hiding or keeping anything from me. He said everything is out in the open and I spoke to her and she said things that aren't true but some things were. He says it was never a relationship and she said the same. She said she didn't love him and he didn't love her this was not planned it happened and she doesn't beleve in abortion therefore she chose to raise it on her own. He said he felt releived when I found out because it was out in the open and he didn't have to have all of that guilt built inside and he could start to repair all the damage he has done.

His story never changes no matter how many times I ask and no matter the different ways. Its always the same. He said he just wants to focus on our marriage and me and our kids are his only priority and nothing else matters but making this work and fixing everything. He said I need to stop asking questions because its not going to change anything that happened and the more I dwell on it the harder it will be for us to move past it. We can't begin to fix our marriage until I let it go and focus on us and our family.

We have been trying to make time for just us. He use to stay up late and watch movies downstairs and I never understood why but of course now I do. He said before he felt guilty and would just come home and drown himself in movies and video games to clear his head of all that was going on and not wanting to face it. Now he watches movies with me in our room or downstairs together. He is always asking me to do things with him or with him and our kids. We have been spending a lot of time taking our kids to the beach or on day trips to be out and be a family. He use to always hide his cell phone from me but now he charges it right next to my side of the bed and doesn't care if I check it. He says he has nothing to hide from me and seeing what all this has caused has made him realize how much what he has at home means to him and how much he needs to value it.

He says he never wants to go through anything like this again as this whole situation was not worth it and not worth risking all that he has. He said he always loved me and there is no real explanation why this happened. He said it was stupid and he regrets it and he doesn't know why he was trying to live a single life knowing he was married but he realizes the damage his actions have caused and he just wants to make things right.

He keeps saying over and over that he is here and with me because its where he wants to be and where he always wanted to be. If t wasn't then he would have left and let me deal with all of my feelings on my own. He said he isn't here for the kids because he would see them regardless even if we divorced and that he is here because I'm the one he wants to be with and spend his life with and he doesn't want to lose that.

I do my fair share of snooping still to see if he is talking to her. I check my cell phone bill to see if I see her number or any number that shouldn't be calling. I check the text messages, I check his phone. I call him randomly at work and I stop by randomly to see him and make sure nothing is going on. HE calls me when he is leaving work so I know that he is coming straight home and not going anywhere else. He says the reson this isn't as big of a deal as I would expect it to be is because there was no love and there was no relationship. They both knew the situation and she knows how much he hates her at this point and wants nothing to do with them. He said if he wanted to be a part of her or OC that at this point with me knowing everything he would tell me so I could either deal with it or move on.

He said the child is now 8 months old and at this point why would he want to miss out on anymore of its life if he really cared what happens to it. He said and from what I heard from his sister that the OW even said he always talked to her and looked at the child like it was hers with someone else and not his. he never wanted to get close to it or acknowledge it.

TheRoad: I don't think he is a serial cheater. The ex was not his wife it was a girlfriend of 8 years and they had 1 child together. The relationship didn't work out and they had issues after the child which had nothing to do with cheating. They met young and they grew apart. Her and I get along however after their relationship ended she gave him a hard time about seeing his daughter. If anything I think if he was a cheater and/or if he had done things he shouldnt have to me or to her in the past I think he got a huge wake up call when this happened realizing that playing games with others will eventually catch up to you. Its like Karma what you do to someone else is going to come back at you 10 times harder and in this situation I don't think he had intentiones of this being anything more then fun and games and it turned into way more then what he was expecting and I do believe he realized at his age he should be focused on his family and not out making a new one and doing the things he was doing.

Paragraphs please

Ok, then what can we help you with? Every suggestion is shot down and you seem to have the answers so what can we help you with?

I apologize if it seems like I shot down any suggestions. I guess I'm just in a state of denial and confusion. I really don't know how to explain it. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I don't know if this is something that a person can overcome.

I guess I'm trying to understand if what I'm going through is a common thing or if my feelings about everything are far off from where they should be. I don't know if I shoud give him the benefit of the doubt and see what happens or if I'm just setting myself up for future hurt.

Is it common for my H to not want to talk about it because of his guilt or because he might still be hiding stuff. I always thought I knew the person he was after being together for 7 years and married for 3 but I feel like maybe I never knew him.

Yes, it can be worked through and you can have a happy marriage but you need to follow the plan. Get the book I suggested above. I also suggest you get His Needs/Her Needs and Love Busters along with the work book. Get a minimum of 15 hours per week undivided time together without your children. Work on building the romantic love in your relationship. Additionally your H needs to work on his boundaries and put some extradinary precautions (EP's) together to ensure he never strays again.

Thank you for your suggestions and advice. I am going to get the book and I am trying to get past this whole nightmare. I pray he really truly understands and sees the extent of what his straying away caused and hope our marriage can be repaired from this.

heartbroken, you can't get "past" his cheating...there is no easy way around it. You CAN work through it together with the MB program, complete transparancy and honesty, eliminating annoying habits and spending 15 + hours together building romantic love.

Watch this video with your hubby

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1001_infidelity0.html

At the top of this website is a link called videos. Dr. H freely gives so much of his advice away. After you watch the infidelity video make a plan to watch his videos on building a romantic marriage together. You can also call into the MB radio program and get advice directly from Dr. Harley for free!

Heartbroken, it sounds like your heart wants this to work, and that's not a bad thing! It also sounds like your H is repentant, and for you to forgive him may require you to stop living in that dirty, painful past and focusing on living in the present. I, too, was a wayward, but I can honestly say I've changed for the better through everything.

My BH and I have never been happier than we are now. Crazy, right? Not really. The A forced us to examine our M and work on it. I had to make major changes to ensure that I became the best wife I could be for my BH, and my BH did the same. But in order to love again, my BH also needed to be able to forgive me and move ahead, not dwell in the past. That doesn't mean being a fool and letting your WH get away with it again; it just means working on the love and being aware of any "signs" that he may be straying.

I think with some time, healing, and a large dose of romantic love and physical intimacy you will see your M flourish. Definitely follow MB principles that faithful follower gave you above. Those are crucial to your M surviving and thriving. I know you can get through this!

Also, in case OW does indeed file for CS, which you should expect to happen no matter what she says (after all, originally she thought she could do it on her own, but now she's seeing how hard it is), plan a course of action to protect your assets. The last thing you need is financial problems on top of everything else. See the other forums for some suggestions on how to protect your assets in case she comes after you for more.

Wanthealing, thank you so much for your insight and your kind words . Knowing that I'm not the only person to have ever gone through this and seeing that other people have been able to get past it helps a lot. I know it will take a lot of work to make my M take a turn for the better instead of the way its headed which is for the worst. I tend to throw the A in his face a lot and I know I shouldn't.He says I need to let him show me that he truly is sorry and is truly here for our family but if I keep making him live through it all over again it just makes it harder.

It is all still new to me. He has had way more time as the OW has had to adjust to this whole situation. I haven't. I was thrown into this completely unexpected. The one thing I think that angers me is the OW got a hold of my cell phone number some how and recently sent me a message apologizing that I got put in the middle of this and I don't see how I was put inthe middle of my own marriage? She came into my marriage. The OW knew when he went home every night it was to me and our family.

I know its going to take time and knowing that he wants no part of the OW helps however the uncertainty of what will happen with the OC is what stays pending on my mind. I mean my H lied to me for almost 2 years and to the OW as well from what she says so how do I know him telling me he wants no part of the OC is not just for the time being and when things get back on track he will be there.

He says absolutely not but that doesn't mean much at this point. He says he can never see himself spending time with that child as he does ours since he never wanted it and has never been a part of it. He said its easy for him to block that time in his life out of his head because it didn't mean anything to him. The OW didn't mean anything and the whole situation got out of hand and shouldn't have. He says he doesn't want to live in guilt and that he has feelings too and every time I bring it up it makes him angry as its a time in his life he wants to forget completely.

So why would he want anything to do with those people as he calls them if being around them would be a constant reminder of what he did to his wife and family and how he destroyed our marriage when all he wants is to repair everything and try and get back to a sense of normalcy.