My wife and I have been married for 2 years and together for 5. We have 4 children between us (2 from a previous relationship). I will admit that for the past 2 years I became emotionally detached and was in a deep depression over money,kids etc. I allowed them to consume me and in the end I neglected my wife.
Now almost a month ago she tells me she's done and doesn't want to try anymore. She say's she is numb to me and more hurt than angry. She says the rejection from me so many times was too much. I have made a complete turn around and have started working on me and came clean to her about what caused me to be so distant, but she doesn't seem to care. She says me trying to be different now just makes her more angry and that she keeps saying why weren't you doing this before. Right now we are separated, but living in the same house. I sleep in the living room, she gets the bedroom. She has been making it a point to spend the majority of her time talking and hanging out with her friend. I'm almost afraid that she is replacing me with her. It's like this really doesn't effect her. I don't know how to help move her back into intimacy again and out of withdrawal. Is it too late? I don't want to lose my family.

Others will be along shortly but what MB principles would say:
You are Still married, do not give her the fantasy of being able to eat cake(your attention and care) while being allowed to act however she wants.

Who is taking care of the kids while she is having all this time to be with her friend?

Move back into your bedroom. Do not watch the kids for her to have time investing in someone else.
Do not let her live in fantasy world any longer, you are enabling her actions, so stop!

Start fighting hard for your family!

Become a broken record if she says she is "done" or wants a divorce.
"I do not speak divorce or about being over, I only talk marriage." Then change the subject.

Find out the things she wants (her EN).. snoop to make sure there isn't an affair taking place and Plan A like crazy.

One reason she is angry is she has decided your the bad guy to excuse herself in her mind for dropping you and needs you to keep that up in order for her to not feel guilty.

Thank you for your response sunshine. To answer some questions I am the one that takes care of our kids when she is gone. I know an affair is not taking place because it is a female friend. She just seems to be hyper-focusing her attention on their friendship. I know her EN are she wants quality time, She craves affection and attention. I would be more than willing to do those things, I have actually been trying too, but she says SHE does not want them. She said right now she is numb to me and that she just does not care about anything Im doing.

It's not impossible that her friend could be an affair partner. Get a voice recorder, snoop her communications with her friend (email, texts). I have a friend whose marriage busted up because of his wfe's lesbian affair.

Do not ask her anything, just quietly snoop. Put a voice recorder in her car.

You are still meeting other EN of hers, financial support, you are still the father of her children... taking care of her kids too. You still live in the same house so she can have all the contact she wants with conversations as well. These are all EN you are meeting.

I am serious, move back into your bedroom. Tell her you only talk marriage. (she might just move to a different room herself but then it is on her not you)

Again, don't let her eat cake (you!) while having to not pay for what she is doing. She gets to just talk and go out with friends whenever she wants as you will watch kids.

Move into your bedroom, DO NOT watch kids for her, if she wants to go out with her friend then the kids have to go.

Then keep Plan A! Anytime she brings up something bad, flirt! Smile and change the subject, tell her she looks good, talk about anything you can think of that you know she like to talk about, hug her if she lets you. If she says no, just blow her a kiss and walk off.
Make sure YOU smell good, and talk good. NO Love busters right now!

Again, think about what you CAN do instead of what she is not letting you. Get creative! Be happy around her...

Again, move back into bedroom, don't let her go without kids and be the awesome man she married :-)

And we are not crazy, it just happens all the time with affairs.
It is possible and has been seen here time and again that a woman will have a woman "friend".

This friend is in on an affair. She lets the OM (other man) use their phone, make times to go out with said female friend only to meet up with a man at friends house.

You still need to rule it out honestly. It is not fun to think about but if you do put flexispy on her phone to see what she is really saying and who she is really talking too....
you get... THE TRUTH!

one way or another. That is what you HAVE to have now. Truth.
if it isn't an affair, that is good news and you will know, but if it is, you need to know as well.

PS: DO NOT ASK HER. Never met a wayward who told the truth. Just do it on your own so she doesn't know and won't drive something more underground.

The others are right. Move back into your bedroom and start snooping like a bloodhound. I smell an affair here. Don't ask her, find out on your own.

And stop participating in this "separation" charade. Of course you are not "separated," you live together. Remind her you are MARRIED.

But first, move back into your bedroom and find out if there is an affair. Te girlfriend is a front.

Thanks for all the help so far. I will start snooping and try to get that part out of the way. I think I'm just really scared right now and I'm giving in to her wants because I'm afraid if I stand up and say fine leave, then she will do just that!

Well I feel pretty confident that it is not an affair. I just spent the last couple of hours going through our joint cell phone bills, listened to old and new voice mails, text messages and there is honestly nothing there. (I also checked her email and FB) I'm a computer tech so this was simple for me. With that being said is there any more advice other than take my room back and make her take responsibility for the kids? I mean right now she acts as if she wants to do nothing with me. She says she is stuck in the present, too hurt to let go of the past but she feels like I am her soulmate, but is scared that my changes are not for real and won't last.

But we didn't tell you do that, so don't worry!

I would check her car for a secret cell phone and slap a GPS and a VAR in her car.

Hello I am back. After about a month of snooping, I am sure an affair is not going on. We have actually been doing pretty good. I came back to the bedroom and a couple nights ago we cuddled. She admitted she had missed me and was lonely. Then tonight she said she is still filled with bitterness over my neglect. She says the only way she honestly feels like she could get past the past is to completely leave. I am devastated.

Lyin:
I am far from an expert. But from what I do know, there are some pretty crafty ways to have an Affair that will pass normal detection efforts. My WW used a library computer for a while as an example. I eventually found a phone "re-fill" card receipt for a "throw away" phone.
But let me step away from that direction for a moment.... How did you react to the THREAT to LEAVE. Do you understand that such a comment is a threat? I am not and would not want you to threaten back. In fact, I would tell you to act like you never heard the comment. Continue to act and bet he husband you believe she would want you to be. The one, you want to be. And start trying to educate yourself as much as possible on this site, with Dr. Harley's books etc.
I don't know if you followed Melody Lane's recommendation for a Voice Activated Recorder in her car but I would definitely do that if I were you (It worked for me on the first day I put it there). And my WW was not even talking to anyone - she sort of talked to herself about things.
You have only snooped for a month. You have not fully explained what you do to snoop. Underground (hidden)_affairs can go on with both partners not even communicating electronically to each other for a month at a time (especially if there is an electronics wiz or computer wiz as one of the victimized spouses). I also grew quite bold and since my wife uses a big pocketbook I placed a voice activated recorder in her pocketbook for a day. And it paid dividends right away.
So be honest with yourself. How thoroughly have you snooped?
Could you ask your wife to attend a MB weekend or sign up for the on line course etc. before she steps out of your marital home? Have you reminded her that there is no clinical evidence anywhere that sruggests her leaving will allow the marriage to heal?
Have you really made the effort to change who you are? I was a verbally abusive and controlling man. I have spent 22 months in a reform group known as MEVAC and my behavior has truly changed but my WW often truly believed I was still verbally abusive even when I was not. In the case of verbal abuse, victimized spouses sometimes see things that are not there while they are healing. Slowly, even though I had an angry outburst once this summer for which I am heartily sorry, but even with that mistake, finally, my WW is recogninzing the changes in me. It is painfully long healing process for her - just as is mine as a betrayed spouse. SO, don't lose your hope or your patience.
Listen to the Vets here. There is no such thing as too much time or to much thoroughness when it comes to snooping. Your marriage deserves your protection.
Blessings
Me BS 56
She WW 50
Hers 18, 22
Mine 22, 28, 30
Ours DS 12
D-Day 1 - April 26 2009
D-Dapy 2 - October 15 2009
Exposed February 22, 2010
Me: Reforming Verbal Abuser
She: still won't divulge OM # 2 despite overwhelming evidence, but slowly, ever so slowly, she is turning towards me. But it is more of an arrangement than a marriage.
Attending Counseling following MB Principles - maybe there is hope but other days I wonder if this is not a slow lingering death.

Lvinoutloud, exactly what kind of snooping did you do? You said you're a computer tech - what did you do to snoop on her computer?

I'd like to agree with you that there's no affair, but your wife's actions are screaming otherwise.

Hello Hurtingturkey and maritalbliss. To answer your questions I was able to obtain and download all of her text messages (over the past year) to a computer program I have. Texting is a vital form of communication for her and she regularly deletes her msgs but my program pulls even the deleted ones from the phone. I did get a VAR but it didn't catch anything out of the ordinary. I logged her use of internet sites, I got access to her emails, Facebook etc. There is nothing there that I found. I actually feel kind of bad for snooping like this, but I knew it had to be done.

As far as how I reacted with her threat to leave, I unfortunately think I bombed on that. This whole time we have been "in house separated" I have been doing everything I can to deposit into her LB and mine. I have reacted sweetly and lovingly even when she attempts to throw her bitter, negative feelings at me. I have continued to be supportive, caring, loving etc.

But I think tonight I just lost it. Tonight she wanted us to sleep separately again(due to our convo about her feeling like the only way to get past is to leave) after 2 weeks of us sleeping in the same bed again. I asked why she was doing this. I said we had been doing so great and even she had mentioned we are becoming stronger if not the strongest we have ever been since our separation. Her response to me was that I thought everything was going good. She said the night we cuddled she felt nothing (even though she told me that she really missed me and that it felt so nice to have my arms around her again that next day). She said that she is just so closed off and everytime she feels herself opening up even a little, the pain and neglect from what happened before makes her shut down again.

So I told her that if she does not want to work on our marriage, she doesn't want to try some counseling even if just for herself, then it was not fair for us to live together. I told her if she seriously never sees us working through this then she should move out. She was taken aback. But she said you are right. It's not fair since you are the only one that wants this to work. I will look for apts this weekend. I suggested that she move in with a friend, but she says thats not going to happen because their apts are too small to accommodate her and the kids (my 2 stepdaughters that I love dearly), plus she doesn't want to pull them out of school.

I feel so horrible for saying it. I really don't want her to leave and I don't want our kids to go through this.I feel like once she leaves this is it. I know I was saying it out of frustration and anger but I just don't know if it was the right thing to say. I guess I just felt like if things are that horrible and you dont want to be here, you would live with anyone just to get out of the situation. IDK I'm lost here again. Please help!

Yes I have totally been changing the person I was. I was in a depressed state for those two years. I have battled depression before but I let it take over this last time. I have started seeing a counselor, I have been changing my outlook on life, my habits, spending more time with friends and basically just having a positive outlook instead of being so negative and complaining. It feels good and I NEVER want to go back to being the person I had become for those two years. The problem is I cannot get my wife to believe that

There are many, many other things you can do to snoop (and you should never feel bad about snooping!) but let's leave that alone for the moment and look at logistics.

You've told her that your children will stay with you, correct? You have no real say over your SD, unless you adopted them. You're not going to allow her to uproot your children, though, right? And did you also let her know that she'll have to pay for the apartment with her own money? That you won't finance it?

I'm stressing all that, Lv, because I still believe there is an affair occuring, here. The things she has said are basic, garden-variety affair-speak. Especially this little jewel:
Waffling back and forth, going from 'things are going good' to "oh, wah, the pain and neglect from before! " is a typical wayward action.

Women will usually NOT leave their home unless they have someone waiting in the wings. If you've been working on your past behaviors that were contributing negatively to your M, she would be noticing that - not whining about being 'closed off' or 'shutting down.'

What program did you use to download and store her text messages?

Did you use a keylogging program to track her internet use, or just go through the hard drive?

Lv, I assume she is employed somewhere? Do you visit her job, or meet her for lunch during the work week?

Were either of you married to someone else when you began your relationship?

How many nights have you slept in your own bed with her since you moved off the couch?

Thanks for your response. Yes I have made it clear that my daughters will not be leaving. (I have 2) She also knows I will not in any way contribute to paying for an apt or home for her to live in.

The program to capture her text msgs is one me and a buddy configured for when his Wife was having an affair. Yes I set up keyloggers on each computer to capture passwords and the history of every website visited.

I agree that I would think she would be excited that I am changing and be looking more at the positives. She has given me the I love you but....speech. I'm just so lost. I want to work at reconciling and saving our marriage, but it just seems so impossible when she seems so headstrong on not wanting to be with me or have a future with me.

Yes she has a job, but she just recently acquired it less than 2 weeks ago. No I have not been up there due to the fact that in this state of mind she is in, it would only push her farther from me I would think.

Neither one of us was married when we met. We were 100% single.

I think I have slept in the bed with her for about 15 nights. She has said she wants to sleep in her girls room. I find objection to that because it will throw the kids into a frenzy because they will know something is wrong. It is not normal for her to sleep in there. I am just worried about protecting the kids emotions and feelings through all of this too, but she seems to think it will be fine.