I have never met the OMW so we don't have any mutual friends and I don't know who I could have talk to her. A few months ago my husband mentioned sending a registered letter to her at their home. I don't know what to do. I just want to make it right.

It doesn't have to be a mutual friend, just some one who willing to tell her the truth. The problem with sending a certified letter is that they usually let a spouse sign for it and it might be intercepted.

Thank you. I have a great family; however, my dad has some funny ideas about relationships and I cannot confide in my mom (she tells people everything). Years ago my dad told me about a girl he knew who's husband slapped her around, but he (my dad) said she deserved it because she's a flirt. Ever since then I've never been able to tell him about anything.

Before my husband and I started dating, I dated a guy who was very sexually aggressive, pushy, and at times abusive. One time he choked me by putting my neck between his bicep and forearm and squeezing like a nut cracker, until I just about passed out and ended up throwing up. He had me convinced that he had "ruined me" for normal men. When I finally found the strength to break it off he pleaded with me to stay just one more night, and promised he wouldn't touch me. We had had a few drinks and I didn't want to drive so I gave in, and he kept his word...till the next morning. He forced me to have sex with him. Although after he cried and appeared remorseful, once I cut it off completely and would not see him again, he started blaming me for "making him do it".

My point is I could never tell my dad what that guy did because I was so afraid he would think I asked for it or deserved it.

As far as his friends go, he assured me they wouldn't be judgemental but I still don't think I could face them or stay in their house after this.

My husband has forgiven me but he occasionally slips into a dark place, usually when work and his parents and what I did all come crashing down on him. Last night he started talking about what I did, again, and finally I broke down. He held me and told me to please stop crying but how can I? I'm trying to ride the waves because I know I caused it but sometimes it's so hard.

My counselor made it clear to me yesterday (I've seen her about 5 times since this happened) that I have no self-worth and am willing to sacrifice myself and my morals for acceptance. My husband seems to think this was a direct attack on him, that I must have hated him so much to do this - but it has little to do with him. How can I explain that?

Why should the BW not hear the news from you?

Why should a dental patient who was raped under anesthesia not hear the news from her rapist?

Do you think there might be a certain lack of empathy?

Find someone else - anyone else - to tell her. Even someone on here, a complete stranger, would be an improvement to hearing it from you. My first choice would be your BH. If he doesn't want to, find someone else. Do not tell her yourself, and do not leave her untold any longer.

Today is the day she needs to know.

I guess I thought having someone else tell her was a cop out for me and the least I could do was own up to it.

All I know about her is where she lives. The OM never mentioned her name. He told me what she does, but not where she works, which could be a number of places.

After DD my husband had a friend do him a favor and he was able to obtain all sorts of information on the OM and his family - wife and daughters names, ages, where they live, their home address, their church! Right now he is adamant she not know and short of sending someone to show up on their doorstep I don't know what else to do. My husband is definitely not giving me their info.

My husband told the OM via text message and voice mail message (OM would not pick up the phone or return messages) that he was telling his supervisor and his family. OM responded that he can go ahead and tell the supervisor, but he is not going to be "blackmailed" and if he comes near his family he'll take appropriate action.

tweety, the reason you shouldn't be the one to tell her is because it might result in an accidental meeting between you and the OM. But you still have a moral obligation to make sure she is informed. So I would keep working on that. You can't very well say you are repentant when your victim does not even know what you have done. The OMW has to be informed. That is your responsibility.

What action is that exactly?

He's a cop and cops are, in general, power mongers. He'll threaten and manipulate and whatever it takes to keep you from telling his wife. This is a particularly poignant situation in which "threatening" exposure is a horrible idea.

You can't threaten or intimidate a cop. They, in general, especially a wayward one just see that as a challenge to their [often twisted] sense of authority.

As far as what "appropriate action" means, I think he's being purposely obtuse so he can threaten you without any legal accountability. He wants your mind to wonder what exactly he means. THAT is the point. "Appropriate action" could mean he'll go the legal route and try to take out restraining orders and the like and since he's a cop he'll beat you legally because the courts love cops but it also leaves enough room for one to speculate whether "appropriate action" means physically stopping with extreme prejudice to "protect his family".

Wayward cops are much more dangerous than the general population of waytards. Not saying you shouldn't expose...just be careful and I'd make certain to get it done in one shot face to face with his wife in a public place so there is no followup necessary for the cop to feel a further need to intimidate you (because it's done).

Mr. Wondering

I think he is blowing hot air. If he did pull any of those stunts then even MORE people would find out and he would be subject to discovery. It would be pretty hard to get a restraining order for simply calling up a woman and telling her about the affair.

tweety, if I were you, I would ask a close friend or family to contact the OMW and tell her about the affair. That way he can't come after you or your H with any legal shenanigans.

You expect waywards to be stricken with shame once confronted by their victim (at least I did) but its astonishing how so many go the aggressive, crazy threats route. They never have a leg to stand on.

I was told 'You'll regret this' (vague nutsy aggression by WH)
and 'You should make sure your information is right because Ill do you for slander' (Vague nutsy aggression by OW)

~I went right ahead, regardless and got what needed to be done sorted. All talk.

Mr. Wondering is most likely correct. That statement the XOM made alone was enough for me to lose all feelings/attraction immediately. My husband was in distress over what we had done and he wouldn't even say sorry - just turn around and threaten him. He sent a lame text to my husband (after repeated unanswered calls from my husband) saying he would 'have to live with what he did'. When my husband indicated that wouldn't be enough then the XOM threatened him.

I believe the Sgt. I spoke with at IA is friends with the XOM. He's maintained since the beginning that this guy has a spotless record (despite my husband's contact saying that the XOM is "known" for this), that he had worked with him before, and as far as he was concerned this was just 'two lonely people getting together'.

The XOM has been in this town a long, long time - been in the Navy several years and a cop for 15+. So I have no idea what I could be going up against.

I am going to counseling every other week now and am eagerly awaiting for "Surviving an affair" to arrive in the mail.

indiegirl - by the grace of God my husband chose to stay with me. It has been a rocky couple of months. Almost every day my husband would ask me questions and/or vent at me, and I would take it until I was reduced to tears. I figured I deserved it. I made the mistake of using his past against him which one of the members on this board pointed out is a big mistake. So I have since owned up to everything I did, and told my husband so. I can't understand how people, especially the WS could turn around and attack the person they betrayed other than a defense mechanism.

Yesterday was our second anniversary. I didn't suggest or ask for anything. I was just glad to be seeing another anniversary. In fact, his friend invited us for dinner and I left the decision up to him. Initially he said we'd go there, but later that afternoon changed his mind and took me for a nice anniversary dinner alone. It was truly a nice night and I'm glad to see his is having more brighter times now than dark times. My biggest regret is putting him through all the pain. He fell way behind in work because of what I did and some days just has no joy at all. I destroyed years of trust for a smug [censored] who I was nothing more than an object to and could easily be thrown away if the heat got turned on.

Not important enough to discuss and besides, the censoring is done by an auto censor, not some human.
Move on .... back to finding ways to fix your M, thank you.

Hi Tweety.

Perhaps you can write OMW a letter and have it delivered by a process server. They know what the law is about contact so they will not get in any trouble by breaking it. The problem with that is I do not know if the have to notify or file with the local PD. I would check on that.

My other suggestion is for a public place maybe the church after service. Of course that is only if WH doesn't attend, and someone besides you can talk to her.

I understand your anxiety about all this, seeing how the attitude of the sgt was , his "spotless" record, and how much seniority he has. I agree with Mr Wondering also he is using language that can mean anything, especially because he certainly doesn't know what "appropiate" means.

The faster you take care of this the better. Be swift and do it one time and do it right, then you can tell her you will never see or speak to her again, and she can tell her WH that you said that.