Yes and yes. I didnt hang out in bars to begin with and the life that we have had since the indescretion has been fine. At what point do you earn forgiveness? I have had no contact with him or these friends since that point in our marriage. I have said repeatly in these posts that my only friends are him and my daughters...they are the only people I do anything with. I have no contact with these people that I let into my life. What more can I do. I have honestly told him what happened, I have no contact with these people, I have no friends other that my husband and my family, I dont do things without my husband and I dont hang out in bars...not that I ever did. Now what to do?

pstogs, let me put it another way. When a story does not GEL, a betrayed spouse is like a bloodhound. They have no peace until the story rings TRUE. He will continue to DIG until the story rings true. Unfortunately, many waywards stupidly withhold critical details so they "won't hurt" the BS. BIG MISTAKE. I hope you are not doing that.

For some reason your story does not add up for your husband. Get the polygraph, lose the attitude, and hopefully that will make him feel better. If you pass the polygraph and it doesn't reassure him, then you can send him here and we can help him.

edited to add: why are you posting this to Mike's thread?? He is fighting for his marriage and you are bringing this to his thread? Why?

I told you what to do. GEt a polygraph test. The reason he has not forgiven you is because he doesn't believe your story. Its impossible to forgive under those circumstances.

Posts from other thread have been merged into this one.

All I hear is "its really not that bad" "it's just an indiscretion"

Until you can admit to yourself the awful, disgusting thing you did to your husband he will never heal. It wasn't just a "discretion". It was the most evil, disgusting thing you ever could have done to your husband.

pstogs, are you listening with an open mind? Because this is exactly how you come across to objective observers. THAT is very probably one of the reasons your H can't drop this. The fact that you minimize it must scare him to death. Taking off and making out with another man WHILE YOUR OWN HUSBAND IS IN THE BUILDING is some amazing chutzpah that, no doubt, scares the hell out of your husband. Fooling around is bad enough, but to do it when you husband is right there is very disrespectful.

I hope you are listening to what we are saying because I don't think you understand how you are coming across.

PSTOGS: My FWH once cried out to me: What else can I do? I've done everything you ask, and you still doubt me. My response was: If being a faithful husband is so difficult, then perhaps we shouldn't be married.

The lightbulb went off for him. He realized that being a man of his convictions is ALL that he can do, and all he wanted to do to be the best man, husband and father. And that, long term, if he continues to be this good man, I would heal fully.

I would ask you PSTOGS: Are you doing ALL that you can for him? No love busting? Making plenty of deposits in his love bank?

And, conversely, is he meeting your needs? Yes, it sucks that we BSes have to meet your needs when we're in utter, shattering pain, but if the MB plan is to work, it's got to be done.

The only way you'll heal is to follow the plan.

I was thinking this the whole time I was reading this as well. An "indiscretion?" NOPE. ADULTERY. A PHYSICAL AFFAIR. Not, "only a kiss."

And you are saying, "I only hang out with family." As if you are saying, "Look what I gave up. What about ME?" Resentment is NOT healthy for a marriage, and you are building up a whole lotta resentment. See how silly that is? You are starting to build resentment towards your VICTIM.

You want help why not get your bh to post here?

Why not try a MB weekend, home course, phone counseling?

PSTOGs,

I'll give you a few perspectives I have on what you wrote.

I acted a fool and went after OM... I made a fool of myself and humilated my husband.

Perhaps back then your H did not feel sexually connected to you or H felt a lack of passion in your marriage, perhaps your H always had to persue you or initiate sex.

Your pursuit of OM confirmed for H that it was not you who had the problem with arousal, but it was H inadequacy that was the problem.

Men tend to remember sexual details so if during that time period you did not kiss your H passionately and possibly still do not it can be a huge issue.

I wasnt truthful in the beginning so now anthing.

So for how long did you lie to him.

Did your H ever confront OM or talk with the other mans wife?

God Bless
Gamma

No friends but your husband and family? I find that hard to believe myself. Do you work? Do you have a facebook page? Chat rooms? Online games?

PST, I'll second this, b/c it was the first thing that I thought of when I read:




What have you done in the last 15 years to eliminate your lovebusting behaviors (LB's) and to try and meet your BH's most important emotional needs (EN's)? Do you know what your LB's are? Do you know what your BH's EN's are? Have you asked him what you can do to demonstrate your remorse and repentance?

I gave my H trickle truth also. He quite rightly doesn't believe much of what I say anymore. While I certainly don't do everything right in my recovery attempts, I've learned enough to know that sometimes if we're doing the things we think we should be doing, it is not what our BH needs us to be doing, capice?

In other words, I have a great need for affection. It's something I'm comforable with expressing. I like hand-holding, cuddling, hugs, little romantic mushy stuff. Affection was not even in the "top 5" EN's for my H. So I'm doing all this romantic stuff, and while it may have made some deposits in his love bank, it wasn't making big ones.

So, if you figure out your H's top 5 ENs, you can target your efforts to meet those, thereby making the largest deposits in his LB$.

Most importantly, Dr. H says that you should be spending UA time together meeting the 5 intimate EN's b/c it is critical that no member of the opposite sex be allowed to meet those ENs. And, it is the fastest way back to falling in love with each other.