Thanks for the offers of help with the Plan B letter. I ended up re-writing, it is just too private and painful to share. I have just sent it. He will likely not read it for at least several days (if he reads it at all). And I feel it is all so final. My marriage is over.

Anyone else feel so bereft just by sending the letter?

I need strength...

{{{{{Caracal}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I know you feel badly right now, but it will not last long. After a few weeks, you will be surprised at how much continued contact dragged you down and kept you upset.

Do you have a plan in place in case he tries to contact you directly?

And, if he surprises you and tries to have contact, don't jump at the chance to communicate though your heart goes pitter patter at his attempt.

Let him feel the void of life minus you being there and available at his whim.

Your letter told him of your love and commitment and that is all that needs to be said unless he ends his A and decides you are his true path.

Thanks for responding reading and Mel. A plan in case he tries to contact direct? He usually rings on my mobile so I can just not answer. On the landline however, I do not have caller ID. I would just have to ask, I suppose, has he ended the affair and booked flight to Australia (two of my conditions), and if not, say not to contact me but to go through IM? Is that right? I had not really thought of that... He is not into emailing so that shouldn't be a problem. As for texts, I don't really know what to do there... what do you suggest?

Not that I will have to worry... I know he won't contact! Mel, I will be case number 2 that WH does not try to contact in Plan B. Maybe I should be happy about that cause it makes sense that it is then easier for me, but it actually really hurts that he has found it so easy to turn away from 18 years of mostly good memories (or so I thought!)

Most people believe that their WS won't try to contact them while in Plan B and then they are shocked to see that they did.

What you should do is change your phone numbers. Don't let your WH be able to call you. Even change your email addy. This way, your WH will need to contact your IM.

Scotland, they are great suggestions I had not thought about... will give it a think. The landline I can't change (my parent's number, I am housesitting for them). The email address I would rather not change, too many work and international contacts would be lost in process. Mobile would be a huge inconvenience, but possible... and if he tries to contact (which I still know he won't despite all of your experiences saying otherwise, but this is also better for me to have no expectations) it would be on the mobile. Hmmm, food for thought.

An update on my situation... no change really. I don't even know if he has read the Plan B email I sent (I text him that he had mail so he would check but unsure if he has or not). Absolutely no response. I know, I know, this is what Plan B is about, no contact whatsoever, but some part of me had secretly hoped that it may have elicited a "so sorry honey, what was I thinking, I am getting on the plane right now so we can build a new marriage". Unrealistic expectation, but can't deny that I had that little glimmer of hope.

I figure my IM is going to have the easiest job in the world! And Melody, looks like I am on the way to being your second case of no attempts to contact during Plan B!

So into day three of Plan B... I keep having a lot of thoughts trying to decipher what is going on in affairland. Particularly what does his ignoring me mean? Has he been able to detach so quickly from me and our 18 years? I have triggers all the time of memories, does he not?

I realise my thinking is sooo not Plan B. My new mantra needs to be "Plan B is for me, Plan B IS FOR ME!!!"

First,

Now, DON'T DO THAT AGAIN. How is he going to take you seriously when you tell him that there will be no contact and then.....YOU contact him?

All of the thinking, and processing you are going to do needs to be done WITHOUT him. You need to just get this stuff figured out for yourself.

Okay, you had a slip in Plan B, now GET DARK.

If your IM is good enough you won't even know your WH contacted you, unless it is about finances.

Thanks for the encouragement Scotty. I sent the text at the same time I sent the email, have not contacted since. It is just my WH does not use internet often (sometimes only once a month) and I was worried he may not get it and contact me over weekend. And I do not want him contacting me for his usual "lets talk with BW so I can make me feel less guilty about myself". Was it wrong to do that?

If you sent the text at the same time as the email, then no. I thought you meant that you sent the email a few days ago and now decided to tell him that he had an email. If that's what you did, then that was poor timing and against Plan B.

It isn't up to you to make sure he reads the letter. I know that it would be hard to not know if he read the email, but you are going to need to let that go.

If he does call you, say, "Did you read the email? It's all in the email." Then, HANG UP.

Whew, glad to know I haven't messed up in Plan B already! I am determined to stay strong, I know I can stick to Plan B guidelines about staying dark.

My difficulty in following Plan B is about returning the focus to me, to stop obsessing about him.

I need to get my own life... part of the difficulty in this is that for over 10 years it has just been the two of us in other countries. I now realise we had our own little affair bubble going on. Actually that was part of the reason that we both wanted to return to Australia, to build up our support network with family as we both missed the social interaction that comes with being settled and establishing permanent relationships. So now I find myself in Australia alone. Although this is my home country, I have been away for so long that people here are having to get to know me again... WH and I left as kids really, and have changed greatly having experienced the wider world. I am re-establishing family relationships, but only have three close friends, two of which do not even live in same town as me. I am considering how I am going to expand my group of friends as the lonliness I am feeling is overwhelming... but also thinking I may need to move. Wish I could figure out what I want (other than WH to return that is)!!!

On a positive, my rose-coloured glasses about WH are starting to come off (very slowly though). I have moments now where I think about how he is no longer following his dreams to return to Australia to be there for family. How he seems to be isolating himself from those who love him most. And how he has always been a man that values morals, respect and doing the right thing by others... he has always been an incredibly generous man. What he is doing now is so unlike him... it is funny, my father commented upon WH's returning from London to drop his bombshell that he was "acting like a man possessed". Guess he is right, this is not my H any longer, this is a man I do not know.

It's tough....I'm not that far ahead of you in the process......it IS the toughest thing I've ever done!


Ignoring you (and my WW ignoring me!) means that they are STILL FOGGED UP!


Patience is the name of the game now.......calm with integrity and class!!!

P-A-T-I-E-N-C-E (I'm saying that for the BOTH of us!)


You are NOT alone!.......keep the close friends that you have CLOSER, they will help and support you!


My WW is the same way.....even our Daughter says that!.....my own MIL admitted that!

We are here for you!

Bill, you are in Plan A not Plan B!!

Bill, you're confusing me... are you in Plan A or B? I have read your thread and you talk about Plan B letter but I am unsure if you actually sent it?

But thank you for reminding me of all of those here who are offering support through this, we are all there for each other! I notice your D Day is day after mine. Sorry you are having to go through this as well.

I'm kinda wondering myself...... I thought I was entering Plan B but Dr. Harley told me to reach out to my WW again......I did......it didn't work out too well.
The WW told me "You just went too far and hurt me too bad!" (Exposure of the affair)
So.....where am I?
Dr. Harley sent me an email after I advised him of what happened.....and he replied:

"However, I still maintain that letting her know that the door is open for her return is the right thing to do, even if it may not work. The other reasonable option is to let go of her, but that will probably lead to a divorce. The option of hassling her should never be considered because it puts you in the position of being abusive and controlling, something she will reject regardless of how her affair turns out. Simply holding out your hand to let her know you love her and want your relationship with her to be restored is your best option. When she blames your exposure for closing the door on your relationship, remember that what she did was the most painful thing anyone can do to anyone else."

I sent her a card holding out my hand to her.....JUST Like Dr. Harley advised me to do. I followed it up with a call, actually several , which she won't answer.

So.....tell me where I am then.

Sorry Caracal....didn't meant to steal your thread.

Okay, I have decided to give my taker, who has to date been woefully absent through most of this, some free reign.

My husband is acting a coward... texting me from another continent to indicate the marriage is in trouble, leading me on to think that we could salvage relationship before he arrived back in Australia only to drop the bombshell that we are separating the day he arrives back. To call me his "ex-wife" the day he steps off the plan... hello, where are those divorce papers? Then avoiding me as much as possible for two weeks before four days prior to getting back on the plane, jerking my strings and definitely eating cake. Building my hope up... to get back to London and a week later dump me all over again. AND to have the nerve to say that he knew his cake eating "was going to bite him in the a@#!" and was actually his family's fault due to the "pressure" they put on him.

Placing all of the blame for the problems in our marriage on me... the only responsibility he has taken is to make sure everyone is clear that he is the one dumping me... pride I think. But he is innocent of any wrongdoing, it is only me that caused the problems in the marriage. He even had the nerve to tell my parents that it was all me!

And then to still let me believe this, me apologising profusely, telling him I would fight for us, I would change. And all the while he is having an affair... an affair that I had to discover by begging with friends to tell me what was going on. And his simply then saying he was "just friends", two weeks after stepping off the plane, and six weeks after finally admitting that he was "dating" when I persisted in contacting his friends with questions. His gaslighting has been humiliating and made me question everything. And since he now knows I know and don't believe him, he ignores me...

His dishonesty is repulsive. It has made my healing so much more difficult, but I will not let him have this control over me any more. I hope his affair is one based on fantasy, I hope this British winter is the coldest on record (sorry for those over in UK but my WH always hated the British winter and each one we spent there he said this was his last one). I hope the skank cheats on him.

Sorry for this venting, but I am pleased that today I have managed to find a bit of anger... I want to get this out, I do not want to become bitter and let that bitterness destroy all of my happy memories of our marriage. I will let WH do that!

Is it normal to start to pity WS's for their behaviour? Originally I was worried on my WH's behalf as I wanted to protect him from the affair as I believed he would eventually feel guilt (I am now doubting he is capable of guilt at this time, too foggy). But now I am starting to feel twinges of pity, not all the time, but to think that he finds his behaviour acceptable... that is pretty sad.

Whoah Bill, and I thought my situation was confusing... mine has gotten better in Plan B (so far?) as I sort of felt like I was in Plan B whilst in Plan A cause WH was starting to avoid / ignore me... think I trigger too much reality for him. Now I know where I stand, and I am liking the certainty of that. Sounds to me like you may be in similar situation to what I was... trying to Plan A but WW avoiding / ignoring? But I bow to the vets opinions, I still have a lot to learn.

And you're not stealing my thread, consider it sharing!

Bill, you are in what is considered Plan A. Plan B is a strategy to completely cut off contact with the WS and to not even allow her to email you. It is begun with a Plan B letter giving conditions to resume contact. You would be what is considered Plan A, though, because you have left the door wide open for her.

Caracal,

I see you have been getting some posts from those in Plan B. Scotland has had a superior Plan B. I know she will have some good guidance. The darker and tighter the plan B, the better.

I see your feelings are changing and you are pretty angry right now. Rightly so. Your assessment of your husband is correct. People in affairs become mired in lies. They make up reasons to justify their actions. They avoid family and friends because they are ashamed of what they are doing. They do despicable things.

I am sorry this is happening to you. But, I know that whatever happens next, you will be ok.

BTW, I believe that all affairs are based on fantasy. That is why they come crashing apart within a couple of years.

AM