You're right AM, and I am already going to take on board some of Scotland's advice... once my pay as you go phone is out of credit I will get a new number... every time the text beep goes I jump a mile, nervous that it is WH... I don't need this right now. And every time it isn't him I am somehow disappointed... not healthy for Plan B. As for it being a dark Plan B, that is going to be easy for me providing I stick to my guns (and I will!) cause I don't have to worry about seeing him... well, not until he returns from London which I think will now be a long way off so the happy couple can continue to enjoy the fantasy.


Yep, WH has even avoided telling his extended family of our separation. My anger never lasts long... typically I am just sad that it has come to this. I have so many positive memories that come back, the laughter and jokes we shared. Okay, less so in the two months before I came back to Australia, but that is only two months!!! I spent last night having a crying fit curled in the fetal position on the floor, but thankfully those fits are not as long and not every day... though still get teary quite a bit. I hope this keeps getting better, I sometimes seem to relapse but hope Plan B is going to help with that.


Thank you, and you're right, I will be.


I do struggle with believing my WH's affair is fantasy... I know affairs are not unique, but I tend to think that WH must have found real love or something to act this way. And I doubt the 2-year mark (although I would love to believe this). My brother's WXW left him suddenly for OM about four years ago and they are still together. It does happen (though I wouldn't say they are happy, she definitely affaired down). My problem is I believe my WH has affaired up in a sense, cause I don't really know who it is, and suspect that OW is at least 12 years younger. Regardless, I am not waiting 2 years, I will review Plan B at 6 month point. Although I will not date until divorce is final (if he files, I won't) I do want to have another relationship one day (once I grieve this one and figure out how to make myself happy again).

So I should keep the door wide open and wait?
The WW blames me for EVERYTHING and keeps playing like a 20 year old in her first apartment.
I'm frustrated and confused......trying to be smart and brave.

Caracal, most affairs are "real love." They do feel love. And it is "real." The problem is that it doesn't last because all the traits that make the affair possible, dishonesty, thoughtlessness, selfishness, eventually infect the affair. When the gloss comes off the affair, they quickly erode because there is nothing to hold it together. Just ask yourself what kind of woman would have an affair with a married woman? A woman of very low character and intelligence, thats who. So when the fun wears off, there will be nothing to hold the affair together.

Caracal, I too have known of affairs that have lasted for longer than the 2 year mark. They weren't happy ones and the WS was there because they felt like they were Lstuck" because the BS spouse didn't want to reconcile. You sent your WH a Plan B letter stating that you are willing to try, once he gives up his affair.

Also, do not for one minute think that your WH didn't affair down, they always do and he is no different.

About the finding real love. My mo had an affair for almost 2 years(funny huh?) And she has since told me that while she was in it, it felt very real but now looking back she can see how it was nothing compared to what she had for my dad. She went back home to my dad for that reason.

Take care of yourself. Let the grieving happen. You will go through all of the stages of grieving. Just don't too stuck in them and you will be fine.

You should get onto changing that number as quickly as you can cuz that is hurting you. Have you changed the email addy too

Thanks to Everyone and especially to Caracal for the sidetrack.....I'm going back to MY THREAD with the last few posts and will pick it up there.

Thanks

Melody, one thing I have learnt out of this is that I am proud of my deep held beliefs, my loyalty and commitment to those I love. Sure, I am guilty of not showing it in the best way to WH, but it is there, AND HE KNOWS THIS. So although she may be younger, prettier, more impressionable, you are right, she has pursued a married man, even before he was separated. If WH wants to throw away the sort of love I have for him, the commitment I have, that reflects more on his character then mine.

Scotland, you're wisdom is amazing, all of your words above are comforting. But my timeline is much shorter then 2 years, once he files for divorce (eligible May 2012) I am definitely giving up. But I worry that even before then my feelings will have changed... not sure, I know I still love the man he was, but his not caring now, especially not having contacted my mother to ask about her health, that is quickly draining my love bank. In some way I want the bank drained, the pain of loving and not being loved in return really sucks!

I am finally starting to GET Plan A and B. I have been thinking about the analogy of Plan A being holding the door open and laying out the welcome mat... maybe it has been said before, but I have figured out that Plan B is closing the door and leaving the welcome mat out; now WH has to knock, meet conditions and wait to be invited in. And the peace of Plan B is making me realise my conditions are changing.. no longer would I just hurl myself into his arms. The only conditions I put in Plan B letter was to return to Australia, permanently end affair (I didn't go into how, figured could cross that bridge in the unlikely event he wants to reconcile) and want to commit to rebuilding our marriage. If (and it is a big if) he did this, now I realise I would want full confession (and possibly polygraph), an apology to my parents, and marriage counselling of my choosing.

I haven't changed mobile number yet, will at end of month when credit expires (money is tight at moment, I am only working part-time). Not that he will contact, but you are right, it gives me peace of mind. I won't change email address, I know he will not use this (he is a one finger typer and not that computer savvy). He never emails family or friends, etc. I have old job contacts and friends that I may lose in the process of changing the address, don't want this to happen. If he tried to contact me via email I would then reconsider, but I just don't see it happening.

Yeah it was like that for me too. You feel so much more in control once he isnt ALLOWED to call you. Not until he's worthy



I understand why you suspect this. One of the reasons I never saw an affair going on underneath my nose is because my husband is a discerning man when it comes to women - and OW is a pig. He knew her when they were both single and wasnt interested at all. I still dont believe he could actually want her and if she was an 'invisible' OW like yours, I would apply my knowledge of his taste and dream up a hottie.


It doesnt matter either way. He chose you when he was single, happy and free and had the entire world to choose from.

He hardly chose her - she was just a waiting lobster trap, someone desperate enough to settle for someone married. Desperate enough to provide admiration for a cheater. I doubt they're lining around the block for her.

Not only does the WS "affair down" but the WS becomes a person who is no prize at all. The OW looks at the WH and sees a loving, loyal husband and a good father(in my case anyways). Then, the A begins and he becomes a liar, unloyal, unloving and a self-centered, crappy father. Boy, what a "prie" huh? The A has made him into a being that is NOTHING like the person he was pre-A, and that is someone I wouldn't even give a second look to. Unfortunately, I do still know the man that he was, the one he could be.

It is okay to evaluate at the 6 month mark and see where you are. With no children, and still being young, I can see how you would want to move on. I don't fault anyone their timeline. I am just sticking to a minimum of 2 years, because that is what DrH suggested.

Don't worry about your timeline yet, just focus on your healing and creating a life for YOU. You will do great either way.

Yep Indie, exactly what I have done, and I realise how stupid this is to worry about something I have no real knowledge of but glad to hear this isn't abnormal given the circumstances.


The "desperate enough to provide admiration for a cheater" is SPOT ON!!! When he was back in Australia he was walking around with his chest puffed out that far, a total swagger and talking about all the compliments he had received from "married couples" in my absence. I now realise that it was most likely 20-something skank stroking his... err... ego. Things as immature as how he could "handle himself" around other men when challenged, etc. Whereas I have always encouraged him to rein in his aggression when challenged at pubs out of concern for his well-being. I have always complimented him on his achievements and positive qualities, but obviously not enough to satisfy one of his top EN's (didn't really think about it prior to MB). But then a wife cannot really provide the "hero worship" that I suspect is going on in affairland.

I think my WH has some real issues going on, am I coming out of the fog by remembering things that now cause me concern, or am I rewriting history to cope with the betrayal and detach?

I hope this is spot on Scotland. In some ways I can't judge as even in Plan A I had little contact and the affair was going on in another continent. And now I am DARK (but so is he). I have been to see a psychologist and he is certainly helping me start to process, even without all of the answers. I think to process I am just going to have to fill in the gaps with what I think is the case. Interesting, the psych suggested that an affair with someone so much younger would likely have limited life span, but that WH's issues may go much deeper then just this affair.


I have to laugh at this, I keep trying to impose timelines on both my marriage an my healing. My father, a close friend and my psych have told me I am someone who seems to be in too much of a hurry with too much worry about the future... I think I keep trying to speed past the pain, hoping to skip to the happiness. I have always been a planner, know where I am going in life and what I want. Well, the bottom has dropped out of that but I will get myself sorted again, and maybe this is a lesson for me to live more in the present for a while.

Some of what you are thinking about is your taker justifying and saving yourself. Some of what you are seeing is your own fog lifting. Process it all and you will be able to figure it out. Hang tough you are doing great.

Still no attempts at contact from WH... I can't say I am suprised. But I had to put my IM to work for the first time yesterday, and think the timing is probably good to reinforce with WH that this is how things will now go. Although this is probably a relief to him at this stage as he no longer has to feel guilt by my contacting him, I hope in time he will regret that 18 years of being best friends has come to this.

IM text WH just to say she trusts he got my email, and that he needs to change his postal address at bank as one of my friends is still getting his mail (arranged whilst we were travelling Africa). After the first couple of runs I don't think I will need to discuss with IM at all about business, she will just reword accordingly (I am sympathetic to the responsibility she has taken on). I think we are both going to get the hang of this, I hope it stays this easy to remain dark...

I have chosen my IM wisely, when I asked her to contact WH yesterday for her first "job" she wanted to hear what it was to decide if this was necessary contact or my attempt to reach out to WH! Also, after exposure she emailed WH her experience and insight into being a WW (who has since reconciled with BH)... she is now a totally remorseful FWW who can't believe some of her own fog at the time of EA (but I have since reminded her of the "soul mate" comment, lol!) These are the friends I want for life. And it may not hurt WH to have contact with an IM that turned things around in her marriage, at least it may serve to remind him of his own choices (I hope?)

They don't really bother until the iron walls of plan B come down and they CANT get in touch with you. Then they start to panic. Of course at that stage they will mostly just want to yell anyway. If you do a good job you wont even know he's doing this and this is best. Trust me, my head is twisted just getting that landline text even though i didnt listen. I should have clamped down harder - but he never used that line to call me before. Live and learn.

At one stage early on in Plan A my husband sent me a goodbye type text tellling me he didnt want to see or talk to me. He was really nasty and aggressive. This stony silence went on unabated. However when he was packing up his stuff in our empty house I recorded him on a VAR crying like a baby. Plus he took all my love letters with him.



If I were a gambler I would take the odds on this. You'd have to be made of stone, not to regret it. Waywards may be foolish, cruel and selfish but they are not consistent, unfeeling or cold.

If he really could leave 18 years behind without a backward glance, then you would be better off.

Hugs Indie, just remember that you are giving me inspiration with your words and strength, I aspire to get through Plan B as you are! I can't change the landline (is my parent's house) but am definitely going to change the mobile.


This reassures me, even though maybe it shouldn't as I want so badly to detatch from WH. But then I also don't want to be left feeling that the last 18 years were only happy in my mind... I know this is not true logically, as WH has even said that he used to love to come home to me, miss me during the day, that by separating he is losing his best friend. But it is hard to feel that in your heart when you hear the fog babble he spouts and look at his actions. But like you, I have seem him crying like a baby... bizzare isn't it that their own actions are hurting them, and it is THEIR choice! I think I am grateful to be the BW rather then the WH!!!

yup sounds familiar...

It is also true in my case that the OW doesn't have guys lining up to date her, so she settled for trying to steal a married man. Even my husband said that my odds of getting a new husband were better than hers (a weird thing to say, eh?)

Okay, first attempt at contact, I am totally shocked, not even through the first week of Plan B... I thought I might get a contact attempt at about the 6-month mark but not so soon.

I am unsure what to do and want advice... it is an email in response to my Plan B letter. I have not opened it, please be proud of me as of course I am dying of curiosity and my fix!!! Stupid stupid me is also in some way happy that he has tried to contact, I hate that part of me that has such hope and is so grovelling for any crumbs he throws my way!

But I know that it will not contain anything that will talk about reconciliation (likely the opposite) and will be full of nonsense I don't need right now. What I am worried about is that WH may have included personal stuff (though possibly not) and do I really want to have IM read this...

Should I forward to IM despite this as it could just be business, or do I delete it and have IM send text to advise WH of this and remind him all communciation through IM? Advice please...

And now I have to eat humble pie from all of you Plan B vets who told me to change email addy and I was so adamant this would the last possible way he would contact me...

Plan B is for me, and I will stay dark!

Caracal,

I almost offered a bet about how soon it would be until your H tried to contact you. I thought it would be within a week or so.

Now you know why the experts at Plan B recommended that you change your email address. It took only a couple of days for your one-finger-typist wayward husband to shoot you an email in contradiction to your wishes. Of course, you already know this. And he thinks he can access you.

My advice is to delete the email unread and let your IM know. Then CHANGE your email address (preferred) or block your husband (not ideal because he could always use someone else's email).

I defer advice to experienced Plan B'ers if they had different advice. You're right. Plan B is for you. You were sounding so much better the last couple of days.

AM

DELETE THE EMAIL!!!!

Then email your IM and have her email your husband this:

Dear WH, Caracal has stated that she received an email from you today. She has deleted it without reading. Please do not contact her directly as per her letter dated XX-XX. Please send any pertinent information about finances through me, otherwise Caracal will not see it. Thank you for your cooperation.

You need to listen very carefully to me, Caracal. PLEASE LISTEN. He is testing your resolve to see if you mean it BECAUSE PLAN B IS WORKING. He is starting to miss you and it is very likely his affair is not going too well. He will first test your resolve to see if he can get you back without agreeing to your conditions. HE CANNOT SUCCEED. It is imperative that you stay dark right now.

Please have your IM email me and I will help her with any communication. ohmelodylane@aol.com