I am sooo sick of this emotional roller coaster!

To bring you up to speed with my situation:

D-Day was 3 weeks ago. My WH told me he was having an EA with a girl on the internet. It had been going on for 3 months. He also said that he "had come to the conclusion" that he was polyamorous (created to love more than one woman at a time) and knew that our marriage was over because I would never go for an "open marriage". BUT, he still loved me (puke).

I immediately moved out (into my parent's house). For the last 20 days, he has stood firm on both the affair ("I love her", "I can't stop talking to her", "I'm gonna go to Australia to meet her in person", etc) and the polyamory spin.

We had (what I thought was) a strongly Christ-centered marriage. However, along with this new "lifestyle" he subscribes to, he also said that he has lost all of his belief in God and would no longer call himself a Christian (this is a HUGE deal for me).

I have been "semi-dark" for about 10 days now. The only reason any contact has been made (via email) is to discuss issues of finances and our daughter.

Then, today, I get this email from him:

"What I want... somehow... is you. I want what we've had... but even better. The biggest thing I don't know how to handle is the faith issue, to be honest... because I don't know where, if anywhere, that'll go. I can't promise anything there now. That one's been there a long time, and runs deep... but doesn't change how I feel otherwise about many things. The poly side... somehow that can work out. Maybe even just realizing there's that potential within me is what needed to happen in order to be able to deal with it, in a choice to love you. And taking things as they come, together, from there.

I want to work on us. I miss you. And not just for our daughter... though I HAVE thought a lot about her, especially lately, and that factors in. But I've also thought a lot the last few days of us... of how much I love you... even with everyone else that's gone on, that's not changed. And I don't pretend to have all the answers, or know what they'll look like, but I know I've been, and can be again, happy with you, with our family... and not taking it for granted anymore."

I am completely stunned and don't know what to do. How do I respond? Do I even believe him? I actually have a counseling appointment booked for tomorrow and I thought about telling him to show up at the therapist's office if he actually *did* want to work on our marriage and we can discuss some of our options then, with a third party.

I thought these were the words I wanted to hear, but, in all honesty, I feel more scared now than I have this entire time. Ugh.

MM, this is real simple, ask him if he has ended his affair and will pledge to end all contact for life and commit to a program of recovery. Ask him what his plan is to affair proof your marriage to ensure this never happens again?

He needs to be damn convincing in his answer before you should ever consider going back. And that means that he PROVES to you that his adultery is ended. Forever.

And I would take your time in going back to make sure he is sincere. It is not surprising that he is cut off from God. That is pretty typical.

If not, you should go into Plan B. I dont know the purpose of going "semi dark" but it is not a substitute for Plan B.

Unless he ends his affair for life, he is wasting your time. As we say in Texas, money talks and bullish** walks.

P.s. And he can call it poly want a cracker or whatever other foolishness he wants, but you should call it what it is: adultery. Dont give any credence to his premise.

Exactly. He is trying to confuse things with the definition of his new ideas about life. In reality.......he is a wayward and attempting to justify his actions to you and himself and whoever else has two ears, a computer screen, a cell phone.

YK?

MM,
Your WH does not sound committed here or like he "gets it" yet.

A false recovery can be even more devastating than the initial D-Day.

Here is a link to your original thread. It is helpful to posters to be able to see your entire story in one place.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536185&page=1

MM, these are NOT the words you want to hear. He is attempting to cake-eat. He's feeling the lack of you and doesn't like it. Look at how ambiguous he's being:

Whaddya mean, somehow? He KNOWS how he can be with you - dump the OW!

If he's talking about his faith as an issue that he's been dealing with for years, that's his business. If he's talking about his faith as a part of your marriage, he's muddying the water. His main problem with his faith is that it has been tarnished by his actions.

No, no it can't. The 'poly side' is a construction he's built in his mind to accommodate his affair. The 'poly side' needs to be acknowledged as such and ended.

He doesn't have to have 'all the answers' - it's simple. He has to end the affair.

Polyadulterous?

Oh... amorous!

Ok, ok, ok.

You see the quote in my sig line there? That is exactly what the deal is here.

"...just because you decide to become a vegetarian, doesn't mean bacon suddenly stops smelling good."

Now, let me provide a quote from the same person that is a little more expanded;



When I first started stumbling upon this stuff, it angered me.

Yet, it's the same thing stated rather plainly here; we are all wired for affairs.

This "discovery" of being "poly-amorous" is a smoke-screen, a reaction to committing an out-of-character and dignity-destroying act.

He's not a snowflake; he likes women. He made a commitment to one, and just didn't stop shopping. Ugh.

Obviously, he isn't capable of rational thought. He isn't Tiger Woods. He isn't Ah-nold. He couldn't possibly support multiple lovers.

In polygynous societies, the top 5% of men have the most wives, and the bottom 15% have NO WIVES, no marital relationships.

Who does he think he is, Donald Trump? Pfft.

He's not poly anything. He is singularly lazy.


Here's how he can "work out" the "poly side;"


STOP TALKING TO OTHER WOMEN. STOP STALKING THEM ON THE INTERNET. BE FAITHFUL TO HIS WIFE, WORK ON IMPROVING HIS MARRIAGE.

Not difficult.

The faith issue? I leave that to you.