Where to begin..... I'll try to keep it brief. I discovered my wife of 18 years had an affair. It started 18 months ago. I found out my wife was having an affair with one of my friends. I found out through text messages she left on her phone. I confronted her, she denied it. Within 48 hours, everything was out. She said she needed time to think. She then moved out, went back to him. Then he broke up with her. She said she wanted a divorce. I gave up and filed. She never changed her mind, the divorce was final this past February. She had also been in another relationship during the divorce, with another guy. I finally moved on and met someone new after a year of this. Now my ex wife decided she wants to come back. I don't know what to do. I don't trust her and feel it's just about the kids (5 & 7).

I think the answer is simple - don't marry someone that you don't trust.

For me, I feel like I'm only considering it for my kids. We live 3 hours apart, because my ex moved away last year. I see my kids on weekends and weeks during the summers, spring break, etc. They are fine when they are with me and appear happy. We spend more quality time together now then before the divorce. My new girlfriend is great with my kids (she just got divorced also, left an abusive relationship). My ex is basically begging me to take her back, but is still seeing another guy. I told her to move back by me and get her own place and we'll see what happens. She won't move here unless we're together. She appears to be keeping the other guy around in case I won't let her come back. She doesn't seem very sincere. I feel like I have my answer, but I worry about my kids. I miss seeing them everyday and feel like I'm missing out on so much of their life.

as long as she is with someone else getting back together would be a disaster.

my advice is to continue working on yourself and your relationship with your kids.

also since your also involved in a relationship i think you need to clear that up one way or the other before entertaining any ideas about getting back with your WW.

i havent been here long but that is my take on the situation.

Don't even consider your ex as an option, you have a girlfriend, focus on her. Don't discuss any relationship items with her , if she tries anything ensure she understands you are not willing to cheat on your girlfriend and if she has a shred of decency she will leave you be.

If you were single I would say your ex has to do everything to evidence to you that she has changed and is actively working on herself, that means no boyfriends, a letter of apology to all her and your families and there are no preconditions imposed on you by her. You are not her maybe , perhaps backup plan. She is in the real word , she chose to leave the marriage she obviously must love being single.

Is there any possibility to improve the custody arrangement for your favor?

I asked her for more time with the kids, she agreed as long as the child support is the same. She doesn't want to give up any of the money. I would have to fight in court to get the kids for the summer. My only other option is to move over to where she is living to have more time with them. I have a great job where I'm at and my current girlfriend is not in a position to move yet. I would likely lose her if I moved.

My main problem with considering taking my ex back is trust and the fact that she continues to not take blame for where we are at. She blames not trying to stop the divorce because I was being mean. She doesn't understand that I was an emotional wreck at the time. I still feel like the "second choice".

The goal of MB is to create romantic love with your spouse. There are a couple options here.

First - If you were to consider remarriage with her, the issue of her affair has to be considered. I would encourage you to understand Just Compensation and Extrodinary Precautions (EPs). If you can get ahold of Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley that will give you a plan to rebuild romantic love.

Second - If she is serious about reconciliation, then maybe you can suggest she also read Surviving and Affair and you will require EPs so you can feel safe and protected in the marriage.

The trust you have can be rebuilt with EP's. She would have to go No contact will all past lovers as well. The goal here is how committed is she to reconcile. It will take quite a bit of work from her.

If she is unwilling to protect you and keep you safe, then move on with your life. She has to be willing to affair proof the new marriage, or you risk having this repeated again.

Tough

Lost - Your situation is almost identical to most marriages we see here on the MB forums. You can have a new marriage that is 100x better then your previous.

Please read Surviving an Affair and His Need Her Needs. It is okay if she is unwilling to apologize today. Her willing to establish EPs will protect you. It is key to rebuilding a marriage.

Once EP's are in place, and you both begin meeting each others emotional needs, the resentment you feel will most likely vanish in time. You will be back in love quicker than you thought.



Keep posting here with all your questions, concerns, and ideas.

Your WxW seems to be still very entitled and wayward. If you have any chance of a great future, without her, you need to end direct communication with her so she can't manipulate you like this anymore. She doesn't give a darn about you. She will let you see the kids more but only if CS remains the same. Sounds like she doesn't care as much about those children as you do.

My suggestion? Go into a dark Plan B on her and focus on your personal recovery. Was your current gf still legally married when you two began your relationship? Were you?

The two lessons I think others can take from the above posts you have made are that affairs DIE usually within 2 years and that you need to get healed before you enter a new relationship after a D.

BTW, what does your current gf think about all of this? Cuz I am beTting that if you told her, she wouldn't stick around much longer.

Sorry - IMO that's simply not enough to consider reconciliation.



Your XW is telling you by her actions that the only person she is concerned about is herself. I wouldn't be surprised that the "other guy" is likely not meeting one or more needs (financial support, perhaps), or is about to exit the relationship.



That's no reason to get M'd to a wayward. It will likely make matters worse.

That should tell you all you need to know about your XW's likely intentions. She's likely not interested in you - she's just interested in ensuring her need for Financial Support is met, and sees you as the best option at the moment for meeting them.



Perhaps that's what you should do. And I bet your XW will quickly change her tune about reconciliation if you do that.

Why are we encouraging him to give up? I understand he is divorced. He seems to be conflicted.

If he was still married we would be encouraging him to demand NC for life and establish just compensation even if the spouse is still wayward.

I agree Plan B until she is willing to do NC and establish EPs.

He has two children with this woman; wouldn't it be best to see if he can have a remarriage?

IMO No. From his description of the situation, it is much more likely that his XW is "looking out for #1" (herself), rather than being interested in rebuilding a really good M. I'll bet that the reason she's looking for reconciliation is more financial than anything else.

Here are my thoughts without knowing anything about your ex-wife or the state of your marriage before her affair. You were married for 18 years. So I am guessing that things were pretty good in your marriage for a long time. Then, your wife got tangled up with an OM. It appears as though things moved pretty fast to divorce. Dr. Harley advises that most affairs will die a natural death within about 2 years. And this seems to have happened with the OM dumping your ex-wife. She may have gotten to be too much trouble or there may have been some other reason.

My other assumption is that you still have some feeling for your ex-wife, that it is not only the children that causes you to think seriously about your wife's interest in re-marriage. Dr. Harley often tells BHes that by being the children's father, the BH is the best person/option for WW. I don't think you would be her second choice. I think you would be her first choice, but if you are not interested, she will look for some other substitute.

Lots of folks may disagree with me here. However, the best possible solution for your children would be to have their parents to be married and to have a romantic marriage with each other. I believe it is possible using MB principles. It has happened with thousands of other couples.


Right now, both you and your wife are tangled up with other people. That needs to end for both of you. Read the book, "Surviving an Affair". Also, get a copy for XW and ask her to read it as well. "Date" and do family activities for a period of time before considering re-marriage. Read the book, "His Needs, Her Needs".

AM

If financial is a high EN of hers then yes she is looking for it.

He is still her best option. They have history, kids, and with MB the ability to build a really great remarriage. This is a very hopeful situation.

If she is willing to EP him, and then work towards meeting each others ENs then this is a win/win.

The key is will she EP him - I encourage Lost to approach her with this option.

If she is truly wanting to reconcile she will do the EPs for him. If not, then he can go into Plan B and move on with his life.

I think we should help him set up a way he can effectively give her a way back. I believe giving her a Plan B letter would be the perfect solution.

He can lay out the plan to reconcile as well as tell her he will no longer be meeting her need for financial support. He can state in the Plan B letter how he will seek more time with the children and hence reduce child support overall.

My thoughts on his next move - Tough~

There's nothing to "give up". They are divorced, she is nowhere near deserving of reconciliation yet, and he has gone on with his life as best he can.

If he is to go "Plan B" (as opposed to simply NC), can he maintain his current rel-ship? He sounds somewhat attached to his girlfriend.

It seems a bit much, after divorce, for him to have to continue to keep himself available for his WXW.

I agree with Armymama - Lost do you still have love for your ex-wife?

If yes, then there is a good chance you can make it work with her again.

I don't believe we should give up on his wayward wife unless Lost tells us she is physically abusive, an alcoholic, or there is something about her that would harm the kids.

The only difference here is the divorce went through too quick. Otherwise Losts situation meets the exact standards of all the other waywards that want to reconcile.

Once he delivers the Plan B letter he will know how serious she is about reconciliation. Can we support this option for him versus suggesting he throw in the towel and move on?

Tough~

He's not even her second choice. So far he's her third - she's currently on OM#2, if I understand the BH's posts correctly. She's also not prepared to give OM#2 up until the poor BH says he wants to try again.

I'm sorry, but that WW sounds more like disaster material than marriage material to me.

How old is this WW BTW? I have a hypothesis...