And, btw, porn is a form of betrayal. Don't listen to him tell you that the problem is yours.

A spouse who gets upset about snooping has something hide. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide.

If he feels like snooping, you should encourage him to do so. Write out your passwords,etc and hand him the list. THEN encourage him to do the same.

If my husband were as sneaky as yours I would be hiring a PI. And even more than that, would not be having any discussions about snooping because he would never know I was snooping in the first place. Snooping is not something to be discussed, it is just done.

He already has all my passwords etc and I've told him to snoop away. I've got to carry through on this now. I won't say anything else about it and keep on with Plan A.

The only thing I've found is porn. Unfortunately, because I stink at technology, I installed the keylogger incorrectly and only got one day of data. Before I had access to fix it, dh found it. He wouldn't have if it were installed correctly, but he did.

He was pretty upset. Can't believe I don't trust him, and because I stupidly had confronted him recently about some suspicions, he really thinks I'm being weird. He would not agree to never look at porn again, feels most men do and it's not a reflection on our relationship. Also refuses to make his history on computer available to me. He has ALWAYS been very independent in every way.

Since he has been traveling so much, his IBs have increased. Drinking a few beers every night (found that out from bank info), the porn, and he sees no reason to cut down on outside sports activities on weekends, though he is away more than he is home.

Like I said, he has always been quite independent and I have allowed it because I'm a people pleaser and he is strong-willed. That was pre-MB though. I see a better way now.

BTW, I have been cleaning up my side of the street big time and we have spent more UA time together (though not 15-20 hrs). He has stated he is feeling much closer to me. He has been in a state of withdrawal. He has become more compassionate, affectionate etc lately.

Do I just continue to clean up my stuff for a while, then when he is more in love reapproach the porn and IBs?

Wondering, can you go into more detail about this? What keylogger did you install? How did your H find it? Why did it record only one day and then stop? It would be a great help to our posters, so they don't make the same mistake.

Can you live like this? Yes, on the cleaning up your stuff part, but: Porn is a diluted form of adultery. He may not have a flesh-and-blood affair partner, but your H is spending emotional time with an image. That time needs to be focused on YOU.

I had not gone back and made the exceptions for the files on Microsoft security essentials. I was using eblaster.

I agree that time needs to be focused on me. But when we're apart and I offer phone sex or using skype, he says that just doesn't work for him. I guess that means the porn is more fun. Nice.

We are working to resolve this traveling issue, hopefully very soon. He'd rather be home. I'm wondering if some of this IB will naturally die out when we are together all the time. And no. I don't want to live like this.

Thank you, that's good info to know.

I seriously need opinions here. How should I handle all this?

As someone who has a husband who just confessed a lot of IB and a secret second life of hoarding.

Maybe you should ask this question in the Surviving and Affair forum as it gets a lot more action and help.

Porn can be considered a type of adultery and if my husband did it, I WOULD consider it that way.

I would ask or have mods move this over there.

I know they would say to keep snooping anyway without saying anything else to him. *such as a VAR in his car or put something on his cell phone. The cell phone info has been worth EVERY penny to me and he still doesn't know it is on his phone and his whole life is technical :-) *

Then if you find nothing else, you need to think about the Plan A, Plan B option listed under Articles in the When to call it quits section.

I also would say, write Joyce Harley and ask to be on the radio show with the DR himself! I was this week and just knowing it was coming directly from him on what to do made me feel better! He will give you a plan. The hard part will be to actually do it!

Why guess when you can talk to them directly and for FREE!!!!

(((Hugs))))

OK. I finally got another keylogger installed and it's working. This is the first night. He has been on porn for 1.5 hours. This seems to be what he does after we talk on the phone and before he goes to sleep. I'm hoping that's "all" I find. But I'll keep watching.

Besides the feeling that porn is infidelity, I have a major issue with the fact that he does NOT want phone sf when I offer. He seems to have other ways of taking care of that need, even when I want that. Also, the fact that he is out of town so much is really weighing on me. He has definitely increased his drinking along with using the porn while he's been traveling this much.

Should this be moved to SAA? I do see porn as a betrayal, but not sure people on here see it the same way.

Wonderingif, many people here see porn as infidelity, including my wife. I think moving to SAA may get you some more helpful perspectives as well as good concrete advice.

wonderingif, I would consider it a betrayal if my H was going outside of our marriage to have any of his most important ENs met. SF is quite likely your H's most important EN - and he's satisfying those needs without you.

I'd say go over to SAA.

Ok. It's moved. Any input on what to do other than keep snooping for now?

Keep checking that keylogger and don't say anything to him just yet.

When will he be home? This is going to eventually have to be addressed, but for now collect info on the keylogger. You want to possess overwhelming evidence that this isn't a one-time kind of thing.

Be very sweet to him and work on filling his needs. Don't tip your hand that you are suspicious right now. I think you need more intel.

He is home on weekends and we are apart 3-4 nights per week. I will just continue snooping.

Oh and I've been working hard on meeting his ENs and not LBing. We both are feeling happier than we have in a long while.

During this time, while I'm working on cleaning up my side of the fence, should I be asking him to work on anything that bothers me?

Tonight we had a disagreement about one of our kids and how to handle some behavior. I have tended toward being too soft, and IMO he has been too harsh. I'd love to apply POJA to this, but he is resisting reading anything or trying POJA. He thinks that makes me the one in control I think. Not sure how, exactly, I've tried to explain that POJA means we are BOTH happy with the result. Doesn't seem to help.

We were discussing the problem and I remained calm. He used a DJ and I calmly pointed that out. He then went with an AO and I told him I wanted to discuss this calmly and respectfully. The AO didn't stop so I said I have to hang up now. I then texted him that I'd like to continue to figure out how to solve this problems, but I need to feel safe and respected to be able to do that. Was that OK?

Have continued the monitoring and have just found porn. Looks like he may have stopped doing it recently, after I told him again how hurtfull it is to me. I'll continue to monitor though.

I have requested an appt with Steve H. We've been doing a lot better since I've worked on my issues. Have mostly refrained from LB's (I'm still noticing some subtle DJs that I'm working on eliminating). We have more UA time, though not enough due to his travel. I was sad and upset yesterday because, though we'd had a great date night the night before, he was not interactiv with me much on Sunday. Said he needed time to recharge. I understand that. But I have noticed I start to get sad on Sunday because I know the next week brings separation again. So even if we had a great day Sat., I want more on Sun.

Tried to talk about it with dh but I became very weepy when he didn't want to discuss. Says he's exhausted, can only give me so much, and I'll never be satisfied. I brought up his favorite hobby, which he always makes time for. He said he needs that for relaxation. This sport causes him to get up early on one weekend day and be gone for hours. Then he's tired and naps while watching sports.

Anyway, I'm hoping SH can give me some direction here. I think my Taker has been coming out because I've been making the efforts, and when I do, dh sees that as my being happy and is shocked when I want more. He thinks MB is focused on changing men too much.

Snooping is a lack of trust you have for the other person. My husband snoops on me, and I'm not the one having an affair - he is !
That's OK, I'm not the one telling lies, I have nothing to hide.

Do follow your gut feeling. Most of the time it is right. Do what you have to do to get information.

It seems, from what I have read, that is isn't so much how they spend their time it's the fact that their time isn't with us. We are hurt, we need that positive attention right now more than then wallowing in their self pity.

I understand it is hard, hang in there.

I see he is back on porn tonight. I guess I'll just wait and see what SH has to say about all this, have an appt. Wed. morning.

Would a vet chime in please if you will and let me know if this thread is in the right place? Should it be on SAA because of porn?