I think Lost is actually her first choice. However, she does not want to be alone and will keep OM#2 on the string in case Lost is not interested. Of course, Lost should not consider re-marriage while his ex-wife has OM#2 on the side. But, I do not think this family is doomed to be a broken family.

I think this scenario is very similar to many that Dr. Harley has described.

AM

Several considerations here:

First, I would not even discuss the possibility of reconciliation while she is still seeing another man. This screams that you are her back-up plan or security blanket.

Secondly, how do you feel about your current girlfriend? She has accepted you and your family and put everything on the line for your relationship. Just the thought that you may consider getting back with your ex-wife will crush her to the core. And, never, never entertain the idea of keeping her in the wings while you feel things out with your ex, talk about grossly unfair! If, and I am not advocating this, you do decide to give it a try with your ex, then you must break clean with your current girlfriend BEFORE any attempt is made.

Thirdly, "for the children" is not a reason to consider reconciliation. That will put you right back in a substandard marriage that is not good for you or the children. Showing them a real loving, caring, genuine marriage is the best thing you can do for them. Marriage, whether to your ex or someone else, has to be for you two.

My ex-wife actually hatched a plan where she would "endure" the next 12 years until our youngest was out of the house (all the while carrying on her single lifestyle). Stupid waywards...

I see my thread was referenced earlier so I'll chime in here.

Belt, your name because you are being belted by your wife and TKD instructor, our stories are scary similar in a lot of ways.

We let a charming dude get an emotional grip on our wives and we, too, we charmed by him. We got blinded to the possiblity he was boinking our wives by this friendship. Very similiar.

You must start the program to de-program your fogged out wife.

While my wife was awakened by dday, yours needs more work.

Stop being belted.

mike

Think you posted on the wrong thread, Mike. LOL

First off, I agree with AM here.

Short recap; married 18 years, 2 kids. Find out W had gone WW. Divorce.

OM dumps her.

Predictable.

This is, in fact, recoverable. However, it is entirely up to the OP.

Here's my take, give WxW this message;

"If you would like to reconcile, the first step you must take is to purchase and read the book 'Surviving an Affair.' Until this request is fulfilled, there will be not talk of reconciliation from my end."

This advice comes with the attached assumption that the "for the kids" line was cover.

Yes, you have divorced. However, I think your presence here is because you acted in a way which you felt was proper, rather than the way which you felt you wanted to completely.

You divorced out of the immediate feeling of betrayal, and your belief on how it should be handled.


However, I could be wrong.

I think you've made your case, here:
She doesn't seem very sincere because she's shown you nothing that would say she is. If she were truly sincere, she would get rid of any other men in her life. She would move closer to you. She would be willing to accept your terms for trying again. Only then should you consider attempting a relationship with her.

Lost,

So we can stop guessing here - what are your feelings for your ex-wife? Are you still in love with her AND your girlfriend?

IF you decide to try to reconcile the marriage, you BOTH need to give up the others in your lives. Having these people wait in the wings or be back up is cruel as well as distracting toward marital recovery (if that is your choice).

I like HHH's suggestion. Start by reading the book, "Surviving an Affair". Also, read the information in the articles on this site. For me, everything made sense when I understood MB fundamentals.

AM

Lost4464,
well, you are being given all sides of the question so far. Usually I remain on the sidelines but I feel empathy for your situation.

My first wife and I divorced in 1992. D-day was my birthday in 1990 when I returned home to my then new house in the Chicago suburbs after taking my children to a White Sox game (birthday present tickets) only to "smell" the odor of semen when I got into my bed with sleeping wife. It turned out to be my best friend (not really!) who had flown 1,000 miles to our new home on a business trip to have a conjugal visit with my wife in my new home! She divorced me. It took 7 years for my love for her to die after she filed for divorce. The affair ended and there were two more men in her life before the divorce finalized. THen her remarriage and divorce five years later and then another and last year (19 years later) she married again. At my Marine son's wedding this year my ex-wife walked up to me and said "You know after all these years I still love you."
It did not upset me. It just reinforced in me that my ex-wife was and is a very emotionally troubled human being. Her newest husband (who seems to be a very nice man) was six feet away from her when she made this statement to me! How sad for him. And frankly, how tragic for the children of my first marriage. I guess my point in writing this painful story to you is that your ex-wife is not mine and that no one path is necessarilly the right one. But there are some wrong paths to take.... I will encourage you to take the MB strategies as your highest statistical probability for whatever happens.... For all of those 7 years post divorce filing while my love was still alive I would have taken my first wife back but even she knew and I knew that I would struggle with anger and hurt and pain and she would have wanted unconditional forgiveness. That wasn't in me. Even today I am damaged goods as a human being for what happened (some of us really are not that strong)back then. You have a different life today.
IF your ex-wife wants you back and if you still have love for her inside somewhere... maybe it is possible. There is no way to know for sure. A funny thought occurred to me... If your current girlfriend really, really loves you... she will let go and walk away if there is a chance of your marriage coming back together. Unless, of course, she is so driven by fear for your emotional well being that she wants to protect you from further hurt. Only you can decide which risks in life to take.
Only you can decide your own values. For me, I now have a 12 year old son, the product of my remarriage 8 years post divorce filing. I love my WW and am trying to hold on. But I hold my word as my bond and a whole host of traditional values about marriage that seem out of step of the world today. Were I in your situation
I would try the MB playbook and if my ex-wife in your situation really showed me that she was willing to take the risk... I would have taken the risk. Gladly. But once my love died (in my case 7 years post divorce filing), I would never turn back.
20 years post divorce filing I can see the pain and damage the divorce did to my children of that marriage. One male alcoholic (functional), One female (on 2nd marriage already)who will chase male attention her whole life sadly, and one male who survived IV drugs at 14 years old only to be straightened out by the love of my wife and the US Marine Corps. I am not voting for you one way or the other.
What I do believe is that if you and your ex-wife can commit to heal one another... it can happen. In the short terms it will be MUCH MUCH HARDER to do that than to continue where you are headed... And there is lots of risk right now. In the long run... if you were both to apply MB strategies... You and Your Family will be better off.
Knowing all I know about my ex-wife, her troubled mental status and all... I would have jumped at the chance you now have two years post divorce.

I only know to add you and your girl friend, your children and your ex wife to my prayer list.
No matter what you choose let me add one comment. DO NOT prove to your ex-wife how wrong she was with her affair by throwing yourself at your girlfriend. The person you would be hurting most in that instance would be your girlfriend.

Anger always makes the wrong decision and anger sometimes is the hidden motive behind our decisions.

Blessings
Me BS 56
She WW 50
Hers 18, 22
Mine 22, 28, 30
Ours DS 12
D-Day 1 - April 26 2009
D-Dapy 2 - October 15 2009
Exposed February 22, 2010
Me: Reforming Verbal Abuser
She: still won't divulge OM # 2 despite overwhelming evidence, but slowly, ever so slowly, she is turning towards me. But it is more of an arrangement than a marriage.
Attending Counseling following MB Principles - maybe there is hope but other days I wonder if this is not a slow lingering death

Lost, it's probably all about money. She is having a hard time supporting herself so she wants to reunite with you. That way she can continue to have affairs while you subsidize her fun.

Want to find out for sure? Tell her before you would even entertain the possibility of getting back together as man and wife, you would require a prenuptual agreement guaranteeing you full custody of your kids with child support from her if you were to divorce again. You'll have your answer then.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

Oh and to add more to this, she moves closer to YOU so you can have more time with your children. And then, she calls the coaching center and gets them to tell you if they believe that it is really worth giving her another shot.

I KNOW that there are people who have become FWS. I BELIEVE it is possible. I don't see anywhere where this WXW has done anything to fix herself.

Oh, and I also don't believe that lost is her first choice, at least not totally. And FC, that isn't one of the ENs which create romantic love, so if that's what she wants him for, what kind of marriage would that be?

Lost, I am going to be even more honest to you right now. This is one of the major reasons I suggest people to WAIT to date after a D, especially one as quickly as yours happened. It isn't fair to your GF to be put through this. Sorry, but I think you should truly consider telling her that you still have feelings for your WxW and that you think it best that you let her go, before you get in any deeper.

IMO, this speaks VOLUMES.

1. She likely values the money more than the time spent with the children.
2. She feels the money is for HER not the children, which leads to..
3. She feels ENTITLED to being supported by YOU, even though you are no longer M'd.

In summary, I think you should in no way consider reconciliation with her while she is in that frame of mind. I think you WILL be used, and you WILL end up worse off than before.

Just a question though - how did she end up with primary custody? Do you think you were well-represented in the D?

Write a letter/email to WW that you will not consider recovery because she has shown that she has not changed.

WW is still being wayward. She is now wanting to cheat on the OM with you. You refuse to be a OM and make yourself a third wheel in her current relationship.

You would think about recovery after WW has ended NC her current relationship with OM and go NC with the OM.

Then WW would have to move back locally with the COM to live close by.

WW would then have to be 100% transparent for you to verify NC is in place.

WW would have to be willing to participate in a MB recovery program.

WW willing to date you at first to test the waters.

I asked her to move here, get her own place and we could see where things go. She said she would not move here unless we were getting back together. She wants to see each other on weekends to see if we could reconcile. For me, this doesn' t show a true commitment to fixing things and to give us a real chance. She said her fear is we wouldn't reconcile and then she would lose the other guy. This makes me feel like she wants to keep her back up man. She also keeps pushing me to move where she is because her family is there and the kids need to be near her family. She still puts her family in front of me.

She actually SAID she was afraid of losing the other guy?

Wow.

I hope you are honest with your GF about all this. Otherwise it's a very shoddy way to treat anyone, but particularly someone you purport to care about.

Deal breaker. Do not proceed with this, Lost. She is incredibly wayward and is looking out only for herself.

Dude, without trying to be too negative here, I just have to ask you:

How many times have you responded to those e-mailed entreaties to help Mr. Joshua extract some funds from Nigeria?

Please do not waste any additional emotional resource on this poor excuse for a human being! Invest all this effort into working on yourself and exploring whatever relationship you can develop with your new lady-friend.

Well, at least you sound like a reasonable guy.


She wants a guarantee from you. She does not offer YOU a guarantee.
Interesting


Again, you sound like a reasonable guy.


She does not sound too bright to me, kiddo.
If she were playing poker right now, she just showed you her cards and told you what she is willing to wager (nothing).


It makes you "feel" that way because that is exactly what she just told you.


Again, she wants a guarantee and things done her way.
She is about as likely as my cat Simba to POJA future problems.


Yes.
She still puts HER needs and HER desires and HER entitlements and HER fears ..... above you and anything to do with you.

Are we clear?

Your ex is not begging for you, she is begging to cake eat. (see the wayward fog dissasembled link in my sig) People who beg dont insist you do things THEIR way.

I hope you are being radically honest with your girlfriend. She needs to know what is happening and it keeps you accountable.

How serious are things with your girlfriend? Must be serious if she knows your kids. I would hope you would not get involved with someone while you still have feelings for your ex w.

You say you do not trust your ex, and would only want her back for the kids. Yet you say the kids are doing great.

So where is the dilemma? Are you being honest with yourself about your feelings?

Even if you broke up with your gf I would say do not take your w back under the incredibly terrible deal she is offering. It will be a death by a thousand cuts.

this might sound drastic but after reading all this after my last post if i were in your shoes here is what i would do.

1. No Contact with WXW get a MIL for anything involving the kids

2. if you havent allready then its time to pony up whats been going on with your GF you dont want to ruin a possibly good relationship with her over lies and cover ups.

3. Go to court and try to get a better custody agreement.

all of the above is just my opinion you have to do what you feel is right for you.