This past March I found out my hushand had an affiar years ago. It resulted in a child who is now 4. We are in agreement on NC. What we need help with is fixing out M. It has been rough. Until recently he did not want to talk about it and wanted us to act like nothing happened. But things finally came to a head a few days ago and I set my boundaries, printed up a copy of radical honesty and Joseph's letter for him to read. He admitted to other As. The last being the one resulting in the OC. He has agreed to counciling through MB.He is willing to do what it takes to save our M. I have read "her needs, his needs" and am reading the material here on this site. I would love advice and help on how to save my family.

me BS 36
WS 41
3 coms 8,4,1
M 16 years
Dday1 03/11
dday2 9/8/11

whatnow36, I am so very sorry you are here. I would read all the links about infidelity and get the book, Surviving an Affair.

The recovery of your marriage will be entirely contingent upon him making a radical 180 degree change in his lifestyle. For example, he will need to make his life completely transparent and plan to never spend the night apart again. You will have to make it impossible for him to carry on the secret second life necessary for an affair.

Are you going to counsel with one of the MB counselors or are you going through the online course?

Whatnow 36,

So sorry that you are in this mess, but this is the best place you can be. Keep reading...

Few questions for clarity?

You just found out on March that your H had an affair 4 years ago that resulted in a child, correct? If so, when has he last had contact with this OW and/or OC?

How many other As has he admitted to and when?

You and your H have 3 children together that are 8, 4 and 1?

Welcome to MB. You have gotten wonderful advice from Melody.

It's great that your WH is "willing" to do what it takes, but, take it from me, talk is cheap from a wayward. I also had a WH who was willing to do coaching through MB and the online program but he remained wayward.

Some actions that he could take to show you how serious he is about saving your marriage are:

~ answer any and all questions you have regarding the affair/s
~ take a polygraph
~ give you complete access to his phone & passwords to all of his accounts (email, FB, and online cell records)
~ write NC letters to the OW
~ read "Surviving An Affair"

I can honestly say that with a serial/repeat cheater, I would not attempt recovery without all of the above.

Hang in there and please keep posting....

He had not seen or talked the ow sence she told him she was pg . The only reason I know now is because she now wants cs.
He has admitted to 2 long term affairs. 2 ons. All were women he worked with at the time.
We have three children together. Ds 8, dd 4, Ds 1
My dd is 5 months older than oc
The wonderful ladies at the surviving betrayal forum told me to come here for help.

Oh whatnow. OK, so let me help to chunk this out.

OW with OC:

H says he has not had contact with OW/OC since she told him she was pregnant. How do you know this to be true?

H admitted the A with this OW only because she's now seeking child support?

Who is THIS OW? Is she married? Do you know her personally? Where does she live relative to where you and your H live? Do they even casually see each other? Did they work together?

And, bless the ladies that sent you here. You're in a good place.

I am sorry. I need to give more details and I will. I am just a couple of days out if dday2 and am having a hard time putting thoughts to words right now.

Here is the situation with ow with oc. It all started 6 years ago. They worked together and were friends. She was my friend too. She was and is single.We would see her out socially some and she was at our house a few times. Even babysat for us a few times. They had a two year affair. She was in love...he was not. She hoped he would leave me. When she found out I was pg with com2 she got upset and got pg too hoping it would "force" him to leave me. He didn't he left her. She said she tried to contact him for months but he ignored her. He did not go to the birth or sign the bc. Within a year we had all moved to different states. She now wants cs and for him to be apart of ocs life because she said he is asking questions about his father. I made the mistake of calling her after the cs papers were served. One big pitty party. In which she stated she was heart broken he did not leave me. She had hoped we were not still together when she filed and that the chemistry between them is "undeniable". Ws denied everything until the DNA test came back. He them admitted to it and wants nothing todo with her or oc. I do not either. So we agree on that much. Sence then he has not wanted to talk about the A and pretty well blamed me for it happening. A couple of days a go things came to a head and I told him exactly what I wanted to happen for us to say M. Boundaries...counciling.. radical honesty. If he did not agree to my terms it was over. He agreeud. He confessed to 2 ons with other co workers and one other affair. That was before the ow with oc. It was a year. It ended when she left her husband and wanted him to leave me. He ended it with her.she ended up divorced and lives in another state. He said ow getting pg was his wake up call and that he has not cheated on me sence (not sure I believe him). He wants to work things out. I am pretty well in shock and heartbroken right now and wonder if things can work out. He is a repeat offender...how do I ever trust him again? He is still foggy..blaming the ows for the As.

OK, good info to work with. Thanks for the details as you did a great job with relevant info so far.

Stand by as I can't reply fully until Sunday night, and you'll get a lot more on Monday. I have 1000 things to say, and will temper them tomorrow.

Stand by whatnow, help is on the way. It's slow here on weekends for good reason. Hang on.

Whatnow, welcome to MB! I am so sorry this has happened to you. One thing that you have going for you is that your WH does not want contact with OC or OW. This will help you get a jump-start on recovery, if that is what you choose. But first, you need to make sure you have all the facts because waywards lie. I suggest setting up a polygraph for your husband. There are independent contractors who do this. You can find them in the yellow pages or you can can call your local police department and ask for a recommendation.

Also, we have a special forum for women in your situation on the pregnancy forum. If you want to you can click notify and ask the mods to move your thread over there, but since you both have agreed to no contact, that may not be necessary. We actually have quite a few folks here who are dealing with the same situation.

Get "Surviving an Affair", it will help a lot. Dr. Harley says there is a very narrow path for recovery and it is important that you not deviate from it.

As far as your WH being a serial cheater, it makes your chances for recovery much more difficult. Not impossible, but harder. Get all the info you can so you can make an informed decision about what you want.

Oh, and take care of you. These are tough times.

I will probably post more after church, but really quickly...

Welcome. We can help you through this. One of the best coping mechanisms is sleep and food. making sure you get plenty of both.

The polygraph is a huge help. it settles things. I would start looking into it ASAP.

CV

I am glad you found your way here, WN.

I agree. Glad you are here. One thing you should do is make up a list of questions for a polygraph and schedule one for him.

CV

How are you today, WN?

Just wanted you to know that I was checking in as well. This is the place for the help you need on the M right now ((WN))

Fled

Just wanted to lend support and say that we're pulling for you!

I second the others in that you need to get the truth out of him. I fear there is more that he is not revealing to you. My worries stem from his being a repeat ws.

It also bothers me he blamed YOU for his affair with the ow, which caused the oc.

YOU are NOT to blame. Clearly he has a serious boundary issue with women. Imho, you need the polygraph to find out what the reality is in your situation. A ws simply cannot be trusted to tell the truth, and I think you know that.

If it were me, since he is a repeat offender, I would get some phone counseling with Dr. H to see what his thoughts are on this situation too.

This place is great, it has healed so many many marriages from the brink of divorce. And also, as in my case, it helped me have a wonderful personal recovery and get my life back too.

So you're at the right place. We're here to support you!