Yes I am still in Plan B. I actually plan on continuing NC with my WH as long as he is with OW. If they wind up being in that 3% that are lifers then I won't speak with him directly for life.

As far as finding my story, it's in my signature. Just click on the link "scotty's Thing".

I understand your need to write and I am not suggesting that ypu stop. I am only suggesting that you take away a major trigger source for you in Plan B and that you write privately for a time. It wouldn't be forever.

If your H had asked you to give it up to save your marriage would you? Think carefully before answering that question.

You're very strong, Scotty! I admire you...

I've decided to stop writing on my blog for a while - maybe put something up like 'For personal reasons, I'm taking a break from blogging' or something.

I still need to find an IM which isn't easy. Mutual friends are too involved, as is family. I'm still working on that.

I'll block his email when I've found someone willing to be a go-between. I'll have to 'defriend' his daughter on Facebook too. His other daughter has already 'defriended' me - after having put up photos of him and OW and commenting on how happy he was now (that was SUCH a shock!!).

I've written a Plan B letter. I don't know whether it's better to start a new thread for that but I'll post it here for now. It's a bit embarrassing, it's so personal but...deep breath...here it is...(still a work in progress):

My sweetheart,

I am crying as I write this letter but it has to be done.

I still cannot believe that the love we shared, the vows we made and the future we planned has come to this.

I don�t even know how we got to this point. I was obviously not fulfilling your needs and I�m sorry for that. I want to meet your needs, Richard. I want to be the perfect wife for you and I�m willing to do whatever it takes to be that wife and rebuild our marriage.

I have so many happy memories of our life together. Snowdon � Wales � and that awful �English� breakfast� le Saint Victoire�Mende, the Roquefort caves (and all the cheese we ate !), les Causses�le lac d�Allos, la cr�te de Sestri�re (where we nearly slid off the mountain)�

I miss our walks, our drives, our cuddles. I miss reading in bed with you. I miss stroking the nape of your neck. I miss your voice, your eyes, your laughter.

I even miss our �bad hair days�:-)

Everything, absolutely everything, reminds me of you and our marriage. It is intolerably painful.

This is why I�m writing you this letter. I made the mistake of contacting you the other day and when you replied, the pain came flooding back. I cried for hours.

I can�t go on like this.

So, in order to protect myself from further pain (and impending insanity), and in order to preserve my love for you, I will not contact you again as long as you are having an affair.

In case of an emergency, you can contact ********* who will pass any important message on. And if I need to contact you for any reason, I will go through them. You said you would do anything to help me and this will help me.

You see, even your words, however kind, just open up the wounds again. I don�t want to hurt anymore � mentally and physically, I�m a wreck. I need to get my strength back.

I love you and I pray for you every day.

Your loving wife�

This made ME cry...

Oh dear - sorry, happyheart...:-)

Just a thought - perhaps I should mention in the letter what I would like him to do?

Come back to Grenoble, for example, and look for a job here...or should I wait until he shows interest in reconciling (that is, when pigs fly...or, as the French say, when hens have teeth...:-))?

Gillybac, as you have seen from livensi's thread, I am no expert either. But I think what you have done is a love letter, avoiding LB's, and damn it tugs the heartstrings!

You beat me to the punch... my suggestion would be to specify the conditions for reconciliation. I did not go into great detail with mine, just listed three things he has to meet For me, end the affair permanently, return to Australia (gone are the days I will return to UK and allow him to continue contact with veela / spider / dragon) and commit to rebuilding the marriage. I summed this up in a sentence.

Now, my list of conditions is nearing seven or eight... I haven't actually counted but have written them down somewhere. As time goes by, for me the bar gets higher. Plan B helps with processing what you would actually require to accept WH back, to have the marriage that you want (affair-proofed!) I would encourage you to really think about what your marriage would need to be successful, as you don't want false recoveries. This needn't sound like an army drill, but neither should you sound like a doormat.

Hopefully in the morning you will hear from those with more experience. And as for pigs flying... well, I am confident WH won't consider reconciliation either. I think most BS feel that. But check out princessmeggy's thread for one that will totally have you dropping your jaw with the happy ending. Most of it is like car-crash TV, and then happily ever after!

Thanks Caracal...I'll check out princessmeggy's thread...I love Happy Endings :-)

How about:

"When your affair has ended, when you are ready to come back to Grenoble and commit to our marriage, I will do everything in my power to work with you to restore the love we had."

And I can just see him roaring with laughter and shaking his head at how delusional I am! Because this is NOT an affair!! This is a new relationship with the Love of his Life!!!

It's a good start. I would suggest something more along the lines of the letter in SAA though. And where is the mention of NC for LIFE with OW? You need to show him a way home.

Has this affair, or any other been exposed? To whom, how and how long ago? Did you do it in such a way that you asked for help from the people you exposed to?

I never thought to ask you this before, but it seems that this isn't the first marriage for either of you. What happened in those first marriages, and were either of you married when you met?

I edited to give you an idea where waywards listen. Though your letter is sweet, there is a lot of 'weak' messages that they don't want to read, can not absorb. You need clear, concise words with the powerful love expressed. Not the weakness you are feeling...yk?

Wow - thank you for the help here :-)

Yes, Scotland, he was married before - same problem with his first wife, he kept leaving and in the end, she left him for someone else. I wasn't ever married before but in a violent relationship I had no idea how to get out of. The father of my first child died and the father of the other two was physically violent.

WH 'saved' me in true KISA fashion from a particularly violent episode (potentially violent - I left with a police escort) by letting me and my children live in his flat. He was just a friend at the time and was going to stay with a friend of his while we got ourselves sorted out.

Then we fell in love and got married :-)

As for the exposure of his affair, well...he did it himself. He told his family he'd met someone and brought OW to visit them after knowing her for just three weeks! Adultery is not unusual in this family - his brother has been having an open affair for three years and WH used to justify it by saying 'but my brother really loves OW'. His sister has had affairs with married men. Nothing shocks them - they are a strange and cold family. Nobody has ever contacted me to see how I am...

I told my own family of course and our mutual friends who were witnesses at our wedding. WH actually asked them if they would like to meet his new girlfriend!! They said no of course and since then he has cut off all contact with them. They are upset - they've known him longer than they've known me.

In France, affairs are accepted as being quite normal. WH works with OW I think - exposing at work would just puzzle and amuse his colleagues. He probably socializes with them all, with OW in tow.

Thanks for the edit, reading. I see what you mean - I do come across as weak (well, I am!) and I shall rewrite the letter.

It actually feels like a 'goodbye' letter. I know him so well. Human relationships have always been difficult for him and he'll just shrug and carry on. I'm sure of that.

But I need this for myself. Any contact is painful and I'm sick to death of being in pain all the time. I need to concentrate on my children and my job and 'get a life' :-)

Thank you again...