Hear me out on this: it's really important that you are available for SF with your H, if the masturbation habit is to end. Your desire for your H is likely at an all-time low, but how else is he to find sexual satisfaction if he is to end the masturbation habit?

If he wants SF with you, he is making himself vulnerable to you, and that is, to me, a really good quality, something I looked for in my H.

My FWH was a proud man, too proud to ask for sex if he believed he would be rejected. But after D-Day and into recovery, he would ask me, never knowing if I would agree or not, basically laying himself out on the line for me to reject.... and I had every right to reject if I wanted to. He knew that.

Personally, I really admired his openness. It showed me that he was in the process of really changing.


Sorry, I don't want to be embarrassing, but I am not sure what this means? Does this mean he...ah, uses the sink when he self-gratifies?

Not at all saying "Get over it" or "Get over anything." Recovery is really hard, and you have been hit again by the discovery of masturbation. But in our experience, and from what we have read, the best way to get past the habit is to have frequent enjoyable sex. And this in spite of the betrayal. I know....

"Sorry, I don't want to be embarrassing, but I am not sure what this means? Does this mean he...ah, uses the sink when he self-gratifies? "

NO!!!!! thats funny!! i just mean if i am at the sink he come over to me all the time, and i have to say it drives me nuts!!!

i will work on the above but he has to communicate to me that he wants it.... thats was the problemo!

it just another hurdle.......

i am going to move, while i am very comfortable here and your acceptance of my lack of spelling, typing, knowledge and considerate priceless advice have been beyond anything i could ever imagine. I think its time for me to be on a positive side.

please visit- i know i can help esp with the serial cheater, who was happy/relieved get caught and have his life changed but still dealing with alot of shame and crap and a whole new life.


thank you all from the bottom of my heart, i know if i didnt take the days off after and find this site it would have been over right then.

we will keep trying

oh jesz i really wish i passed typing.

nw- my H ulcer is now instantly gone BTW.... hmmmmm


but the few time it happened since i panic. now i just ask him, what is that throwing up all about?????

still having convo problems. he is leaning how to open up. girls are much easier, no pun.

never found the place btw- ME is a beautiful place, but one road trip was good. I did ask for suggestions!

oh yeah- we listened to 2 books the shack (read before- he was floored) and the art of racing in the rain. i randomly picked them. it was strange.... but good.

I wish you had passed, too!

Just kidding, I just thought I'd take a stab at humor and post some nonsense on your thread.

I sent a note to get my old thread moved over here, time for a new start and thanks for the suggestion.

so quick those MB'er

gosh i am so much more eloquent in a meeting,

i hate to say it but i was born to have an assistant. but i started as one, poor guy. but he had vision

you should have been here long ago~

now down to buziness

H has 5 events next week, yes 5.
monday golf
tues golf
wed_ nothing
thurs= golf
fri- work fishing with clients- invited but not happy- puke
sat - company dinner= i am going


not happy!

most of the A happened after work events, ( not golf as i was told..... just black ties and other random events...........liar liar pants on fire)

these are a bad trigger, and could effect his job, honestly i dont care. but he obviousy does- this is how he gets jobs- oooh that sould like a hooker- maybe i should stop with the DJ.

i also have many events- i plan them - but i did not s&^%w anyone.

but back to the problem: he is afraid, i think bc one of the A happend during work - the rest just shaging after events. that he is risking his job not going. bc- he was MIA for a bit.

i have said no more NYC events, no more "boys only" and after golf come home after you have not "drank any cocktails hour"

in addition if i am uncomfortable after seeing all pertaining event info - dont go.

but wtf- why not say to the boss "hey 5 events, my w will divorce me... what are the priorities?"

this is our current POJA issue, I know i am going to get killed here, but honestly i dont care if he quits. i can handle the tightness. - jennifer suggested it already, and that made him shut down for a week.


uggg - i could ask kindly when should we scedule UA time?

needless to say some if not all of the events are out and he looses his job.


oh dear dont kill me on my first day here!

Hi, Chickadee,

No worries; people are just as helpful "down here" as they are "up there" in the SAA forum. Just less traffic.

Dr H says to eliminate the conditions that led to the affair. In our case, it was travel and poor boundaries. In your case, it was the no-spouse events, right? So somehow you and he must negotiate on this very important issue. You can go to all the events or he can end them. Or perhaps there is one trusted person who could serve as "chaperon." (Hey, brainstorming here.)

What does he have against leaving the job? He could in time find something that is a better lifestyle choice for your marriage--something you can BOTH be enthusiastic about. And in the meantime, so what if things are a little "tight," as long as there's money to pay the necessities? It is amazing what can happen when we really make necessary life style changes.

I didn't think I could leave my wonderful lifestyle either. But when I found out my H had orders to come to this tiny island after his deployment, I knew I would be joining him. It really really hurt to leave my clients, my grandchildren, my lifestyle, but oh, if I had not done so....no marriage, for sure. So I would have gained what I thought was a wonderful life and lost my marriage. Your H is looking at the same thing. He should not take any chances on this.

Policy of Joint Agreement applies, whether in smaller decisions or in lifestyle.

The other part of Marriage Builders is, of course, the minimum 15 hours of UA each week. Dr. H. won't counsel with couples who won't agree to this. It's very difficult to rebuild romantic love when there's not enough time together.

The radio show from Sept 13th addresses not only UA time, but also the topic of lingering hurtful memories of adultery. The best way to overcome the hurt is to rebuild the love. How to do this without the time together?

Is your H practicing the Policy of Radical Honesty with SF? And other things, too, of course?

Oh, and GOOD for you for attending the company dinner!

Need advice, again����..
We have been having a rough time.
The work and event thing has been a major source of stress for us both. A few months ago we agreed that he should let his boss that we were dealing with things at home. He did, but not fully.

This had been a major source of anxiety for both of us, no after work events = H could lose job.

I do see both sides to this.

Well the events have really become a problem ( 5 this week). So today he told is boss why after work event were out. Well the response was not great. It may lead to no job. So he is very upset and nervous about future.

now yes i can attend some of them, but i cannot attend 5 in a week. and do my own job, i would be fired. this is extreme but it tend to pile up in tha fall and christmas- so not unlikely. and some of the event are hemanwomanhaterevent and those are the out of the question in my book, but also the biggest money maker in the Co. eyes.... He thinks the all or nothing way is the best way to deal with it, bc it will always be an issue.

In the 2 minutes after--- H sent me an email saying that when he tried to email someone else -one of the OW name (same name) came up on the drop down. (I don�t get it- is all been deleted, on every computer- in every contact list.) Well again this sends me into a tails spin and he is beside himself. �

I am so torn in so many different directions. I want to be supportive with the work issue, but he has been ping ponging on the issue for so long. Now he told them and there could be implications. It�s very hard for me to be sympathetic about this. And there is a tone of anger and resentment, which I feel will get worse. He is very successful at what he does and it could be gone like that.

I don�t care if he sells hot dogs, as long as he�s happy. My fear is that he wont be happy just doing that.

I just getting the feeling like how much can I really take.

We are definitely spending over the 20 hours a week. � and not just on the weekend.

his txts since have been very positive and kind.

I can't rally help since my recovery is not going great either bu wanted to let you know im thinking about you and hope you guys can work this out. I know it is bumpy ride that we didn't ask for.

luvsdavid- please post what going on thinking bout you.

Easy.

Have him find a new job. If you're a knowledge worker if you're out of a job more than 3 months it's your own darned fault.

Now, if he were an assembly-line worker, I could understand it taking longer. Getting harder and harder to find manufacturing & construction jobs.

Remember the default position of the policy of Joint Agreement is "do nothing" unless you're both enthusiastic. If he does nothing, he loses his job. OK, then, why not just deal with it on that level and work in earnest to find a new one?

Chickadee, I agree with Donomo on your H's job situation.

1.) The conditions that led to the affair must be eliminated. If the conditions were these frequent non-family-friendly after-work events, then they must go.

2.) Adhering to the POJA dictates that you and your H must be in enthusiastic agreement and this includes agreement on careers, which affect lifestyles.

Sure, he's nervous about this, but if his current boss wants to keep him in the company, they will find a way to do so.

And finding a new position isn't the end of the world. Your H must reconsider his desire to stay with the current position against his better desire to create a great marriage, complete with all the extraordinary precautions. It's better for both you AND him.

Do you two have some savings you can use while he pursues something else? Can your position tide you over for a while?

The thing is that once your H is in a new position, one that you both enthusiastically agree upon, your new life style could turn out to be wonderful. It's possible!

thank you all for you comments! its nice to know that you can come here and vent and get different perspectives on things sometimes it too hard to see past you own nose.

well we will see how this plays out, no more events (a few company specific ones that i will attend). he will stay with the company and see what happens, could be a matter of time before they say this isnt working. it should be interesting, he has been there along time and is very invested and critical to some to the business..... so lets see how this "family friendly" company handles one of their key producers.

we will ride it out and talk about options. if then than this, if that than that...

in the meantime he will get his ducks in a row incase the worst case happens.

unfortunately he is in the construction industry and very specialized, so it will be tough if he wants to stay in the industry. and if he does i think he know that the other companies will look to him to do the same things, so i think he is nervous that it may end up as a compelete career change. I also know that since we have been working on the MB program, he has changed his way of thinking and the "game" that he plays at work isnt important and isnt really nice to begin with this has disheartened him.


the job during the day isnt the problem, its the demands at night. we did out diagnostic last night and had a great conversation about it. i said i was proud of what he did and he should feel good about himself for standing up for himself and or marrige. i think he was surprised by that.

i think it has taken him some time to get to the point of enthusiastic, eliminating the afterwork thing could end up casing the loss of a job, not ending the work event would have casued the loss of his marrige. i really think he is nervous that i may say forget this, and then he has nothing. i have reassured him in so many ways i wasnt going to say that unless he were to give me reason to. i would have done that in may if i werent serious.

alot of new realizations for him, he has been in his own shell for so long.

we talked lot about enthusiam and protection.

updated last night..... not good im afraid.

Hope you are doing better this morning.

still working on things and getting thru things well. I am still gun shy and dont want to say things are getting better, BC, i think i did that a few times ove the past few months only to be hit but he bus again.

We just signed up for the online course- jennifer suggested it was time. Looking forward to it.

Since there has been so much talk about exposure lately - i have some questions, that may help some people as well as myself.

how to you handle exposure when:

you were the one who as told?
there were many more OW in the past?
that have no names?
when all contact ended on D Day?


I think exposure has many, many merits and maybe i didnt do it the right way bc i found you a few days later. I think i was just in a crazed state and made him tell everyone, D-day night.


I think if i had a better plan, i may have felt more closure and confidence.

Just some thoughts twirling in my head.

wow- just stunned by mrs. v thread, who are you people! remarkable. the way many of you have respect for each other is amazing. and your words enlightening all sides included, thank you for letting me listen. i hope we hear back form mrs. v and possibly move this dicussion to its own thread, i dont know how i would respond if it were mine.

and i would like to hear more its something many struggle with but are unable to put words too. thx!

Chickadee:

We did not expose broadly, but strategically, because I was in your same position that no contact has held since DDay.

We have been exposing MORE broadly now -- nearly a year later -- in an effort to be transparent with people we love, and to share the wonders of MBs with couples who are struggling.

I really feel that this kind of "exposure" is a positive: meaning we might be able to help someone avoid what we went through.

We do it only if we both have agreed. So maybe you can find friends or acquaintances and offer wise counsel?

If you don't have names/addresses for some, could you write letters to them and get the venom out. Then, tear them up or burn them?

Might give you a sense of closure? A feeling like you took control over a situation you have very little power in?

P.S.: I, too, am stunned by mrs. v's thread.

for me i must move on but i think others BS who find out by being told may help to have a plan.

as for family and friends, they all know. I some collegues at work. i dont really care. I am sure my H is not a easy wit this as i am, but its part of growing up.

have to catch up on whats been happening with you SP- see many new posts.

made a big "sale" today, so we are going to celebrate.

need advice on a post nup. where do i begin?