Hi

A question for all of those with experience with divorce: when did you know for sure to file? I feel like I need to file, but don't want to make a heavy decision like this so early on in the game.

What was the one thing that prompted you to file? For me, WH simply does not want the family life anymore. He wants what the world can offer him.

For those of you whose spouse left you/your family, how did you deal with that?
I see myself in a cycle where men cheat & leave their wives & kids for their mistresses...this is such a hurtful betrayal, but how did you handle yourself?

If I were you, I would

talk to attorneys (at least three over the phone to gauge their ability to communicate with you)....perhaps file for a legal separation if it is available in your state

write a beautiful plan B letter (like the one in the book Surviving An Affair)

prepare financially and practically (find a good intermediary to communicate important financial/child factors)

then....give your plan B letter to your husband and close the door and go dark.

If you stay dark and have no contact with him for two years and he has not decided to meet your requirements of a romantic monogamous relationship with you and you alone......you will be prepared to file for D.

You need time to work through your own issues about betrayel, to build a life without him so you don't feel you need him to go forward and plan B is for that.

Plan B is your answer.

Nearly two years after DDay, when I discovered POS was on a plane to see OW/OC and I realized I had been gaslighted THE ENTIRE TIME I thought we were in recovery.


Ditto. POS was the BIGGEST christian guy I knew. LOVED "men of integrity" types of books. Taught Sunday School. Led bible studies. Spent weeks in the summers doing missions work. Yet, he succumbed to the devil. He told me "that guy is dead". That I needed to find a preacher to marry. We moved 1500 miles away from OW in August 2010. In July 2011, he moved her, OC, and her COM's HERE and is NOW a full blown alcoholic. It was a slow fade.........he wants what the world can offer. I shudder to think what it's going to take to get this attention. I don't want to be ANYWHERE around him when his fantasy world caves in.


It has been the MOST difficult process I've EVER walked through. I am a Christian, and it is ONLY by the grace of God that I am still breathing. I thought surely early on, that I would die of a broken heart. But now, my HOPE and TRUST is in my heavenly Father. He IS delivering me from this turmoil and WILL bring beauty from these ashes. This is the ONLY way I've been able to deal..........

If you are early on in this process, I would encourage you NOT to make any rash decisions. I broke ALL the MB rules of busting up an affair b/c I believed him when he said it was a ONS.

You MUST expose (if there is an A), and you MUST do Plan A and then Plan B if necessary.

Best wishes to you.....

I had been married 25 years when I discovered he was having an affair with a young work mate 21 years younger than him. 1 1/2 years before that D-day I had caught him texting inappropriately to the wife of one of his friends.

So I had been very unhappy with him on many levels for many years...I caught him with the workmate by installing a keylogger. I left the keylogger on (without his knowledge of course) for 8 weeks and continued to gather data. What I saw was the picture of a man that I didn't like and in fact who repulsed me. It included continued contact with the OW even though he claimed to want to save the marriage, renewed contact with a cousin of mine that devolved into disgusting sexual discussions, and lots and lots of porn viewing.

I had already filed for divorce and I was about 95% sure I was done. However, the nail in the coffin was the day I logged onto to read the keylogger report and saw a conversation between my cousin and him that confirmed they had had an affair 7 years earlier. An affair that someone had told me about 7 years earlier and both of them denied up and down it being true. I knew at that instant that I would NEVER take him back. I remember clearly how I nearly fell to my knees as I thanked GOD for the gift of clarity.

I am glad I got that clarity....and I've never waivered from that even on dark days when I'm angry and confused about the break up of our marriage. However, in hindsite I wish I had ended it 7 years earlier when I was told he had slept with my then 19 year old cousin. If I had known about MB then I would have demanded a poly of him and my cousin.

Set the bar high Erika. Do not sell yourself short. I believe you are young (I was 44 when I filed for divorce). I wish I had not wasted so many years with a man who did not deserve me.

When somebody asked me whether WH still had the qualities that I would look for in a life partner, and I realized no, I would never marry somebody who would do what STBxWH is doing to his children, it is despicable.

I left it all on the field and feel it's best to do so when ending a marriage. I would take my time to be 100%. There is no need to rush with filing, as long as there is a reasonable financial separation agreement. Consult with the lawyer for sure. I do agree going dark is a good idea. I wonder how things would have been different if I had done so early in our separation. In the end you may not have to live with him, but you will still have to live with yourself. So make decisions you can live with long term.

I knew it was time when I was on two anti-depressants and was still suicidal.

My oldest daughter had been begging me to divorce her father for several years. We were all walking on eggshells, and the only time the kids and I could breathe was when he was out of town on business.

An interesting question, and one I've pretty much swept under the rug.

D-Day threw me for a loop, and I didn't know what I wanted. Like so many others, ours was considered an "ideal" marriage by many we knew. I didn't want to lose that.

But I came to Marriage Builders and got a lot of support, and -- unexpectedly (to me) -- a fair number of

As my WW moved into another room in the house and in essence rubbed my nose in her A, the folks here were opening my eyes to the person I'd married.

She made it clear that she wanted out (many fogged out WS say this, but rarely pursue it). So I filed. My state requires a six month "cooling off" period, so I figured that if anything were to change, there was a clock ticking for it to happen.

Her behavior and and attitude were horrid during that time. It took another couple of months for an actual court date, but when that day arrived, I showed up at the appointed time (she did not) and I had no doubts about the course of action.

No, I'm not happy about the way things turned out. But after what happened, it's the only way I could see them turning out.

As I learned, this site is not "Marriage at all Costs," it's "Marriage Builders." And recovery from an affair starts with personal recovery!

Wow, this is a tough question, and one I am not able to answer.

When the marriage relationship has broke down so far that none of the practical needs are being filled, and it starts to effect you so negativly, that your mind and health goes south.

When all forms of recovery are rejected over a period of a couple of years

When there are abuse issues, whether self abuse by drugs or alcohol, or physical abuse, or mental and emotional abuse

By choice, individual as we all have this choice, when adultry has been commited.

Those are all reasons to file, but the situations vary from one to another, and everybodys story is different, as is everybody.

Dr H and his staff are probably the most qualified to answer this question, after they know the specifics, and have counselled for a while on the matter. Unfortunatly, there is no canned answer, but there is an answer, and only you can decide when you want to give up.

The logistics of money and support are another matter, but they do matter, beacause they represent the reality of what we value, and what we are willing to spend our money on, can truly show where our heart is.

So I guess that is my answer, as vague as it is. If you have not done the MB way of busting up the affair he is having with his fantasy of "the single life", I urge you to do it, and continue to read on this site to learn how to restore romantic love.

I filed, after DD#2. Though, I was emotionally distraught and still reeling from the audacity of the affair and his abrupt abandonment, it was the smartest, most proactive, most empowering thing I did.

However, I think the circumstances are important to consider; including the type of affair your H might be in. In my case, I was financially dependent and OW was an obvious financial predator.

When I went to see a lawyer, my original intention was to get informed. I left the office with an injunction in hand that locked down ALL of our financials. He couldn't spend one more penny on her,...couldn't move money, couldn't take out or spend more than certain amounts,....without a legal penalty. The same rules applied for me, but that was fine.

Interestingly, once he figured this out (and was pressured by her), he wanted to speed things up and get the divorce over and done with ASAP. That's when I put the breaks on it and put it on hold. There were other factors as to why (not feeling emotionally ready, WH desiring to reconcile, etc), but it had a way of spurring a decision on his part --- and making OW mad enough to show her unpleasant true colors; poisonous icing on that cake!

Thing is, though I put it on hold, I had a whole year and a half to put it back on. I still have until Dec 15 this year, yet. AND,I believe the injunction on our finances is STILL in place, until next fall.

Granted, he hates this and has had many nasty things to say about my hastiness with filing. However, I feel, not only was it THE catalyst for a lot of good things --- working toward recovery and commitment (he was a cake eater BIG TIME!)---- it was also a way for me to have some power and protection at a time when I felt quite the opposite.

It's disgusting how much money we both had to spend on lawyers, but I think it ended up being WELL worth it!

Your H may think twice about his single life fantasies once he gets a sense of the realty and the bigger picture regarding divorce. Mine sure did!

Thank you for all of your responses.

WH is in the military, and I let the appropriate individuals know...twice. So, busting up the A wasn't a problem...to an extent. However, I'm about to go into Plan B. I did not do well in Plan A, & tbh...I dont think it would have made any difference.

WH is saying (again) that he is hellbent on getting a D, and I'm ok with that.

I guess to answer my own question, I know that when I called his supers the second time, I was done. I shut down, could not do Plan A at all, & actually wanted out & felt he is just not worth my headaches, loss of appetite, emotional pain, etc. But another (bad) reason is that my own father did this same thing when I was 10 years old...WH dad also did this too. I desperately do not want my DD to have history repeat itself in her lifetime either, so I'm thinking this is what's best for her right now, all things considered.

Well, you know what, Erika? This is a very safe and comforting place. If and when you get down, discouraged, afraid or uncertain, you can come here and let it all out.

It's amazing what a group of nameless, faceless strangers can do for one another!

It seems like you have very solid reasoning behind your decision to file, i.e., you cannot stand the abuse you are suffering. Everyone has their breaking point and only you know your's. There is no one in this forum that would fault you from walking away from an abusive situation, especially if the wayward doesn't demonstrate that the affair is over, they are attempting to make just compensation to bs, and begin working MB principles.

In my case, I knew I needed to file when xw told me she was pregnant with an OC. I think I had reached the end of my rope after attempting to squash the affair (without success) while working a plan A for 6 months so, the pregnancy announcement was more of a nail in the coffin.

Thanks once again for all of your replies.

Even though I have made the decision that having him in my life right now is too toxic, and he needs to be let go...how do I do that? How do you let go?

Knowing that this isn't what I want for my life is one thing, but its another thing to let go of the adultery, the pain, etc. How do I do that? I want to be happy again, and I know that in order to do that, I have to let go...but its hard, and I am not sure what to do in order to get to that point of peace that I want so much.

Hi Erika,

I understand your pain and dilemma. I am in a similar spot. I know that I should go for my own emotional health, but I still love him. It sounds so ridiculous once I consider everything that has happened in our life, but, I guess sometimes we just can't help our feelings. Sometimes they try to convince us that it will all get better (mine has done this again and again), but, it's always short lived.

I don't have an answer for you, but I am here to help in any way that I can! Please know that I completely understand your feelings in this matter.

I found the answer in two simple words (?):

Plan B

Put another way, it's just this: Have absolutely no further contact with him. Get rid of any keepsakes, mementos, photographs and what-have-you that remind you of him. Refuse any attempts by him to contact you. If necessary, change your phone number, email account, and Facebook settings so he can't try the electronic intrusion method. Stay away from places the two of you used to visit and "call your own."

In other words, make like he died. Put him and everything about him into a (virtual) grave. He's gone from your life forever.

That's how you do it.

Going Plan B will help a lot. Unfortunately, however, you're in for a rough time ahead. All the BS's on this sight can tell you how hellish the first few months and even years after d-day can be. You're right, we can't help our feelings, we can just deal with them when they come and not allow them to dominate our lives. What I found interesting was that the more I let the emotions flow and didn't bury the feelings, the quicker I was able to come to a more stable place. So, my advice would be to mourn your loss in much the same way you would mourn someone if they died. You'll be amazed at how strong you will become on the other side of this ordeal!

Thanks, its no easy task, but I am definitely going to do it...I have to for my sanity and for my child.

I knew soon after DDay that I wanted to divorce. At that point, my XWH wanted to stay married and continue the A. A few days after Dday we went to a marriage counselor. I told my side of the story first and when she asked him about the OW he replied that the OW had nothing to do with our being there and he didn't want to discuss her. The counselor insisted that the OW should definitely be part of the conversation. He said he had no intention of giving her up but that he was willing to work on our marriage. "To what end?" I asked him. In that one session we had I asked him if we would ever engage in sexual contact again. He looked at me as if I were nuts and said, "No, never," as if I was really out of line for asking him to cheat on the OW with his own wife.

I walked out of that session feeling that it would be devastating for me to work on my marriage. So maybe at that point, at least on a subconcious level, I knew it was over. Yet, I was in no rush to file and had read enough to know to wait at least 6 months before making any decision. The next big step was to get him to move out. He didn't want to and dragged his feet. Once he moved out, I still waited nearly a year before filing. I wanted him to file since he was the one who cheated and lied and threw our lives on the trash heap. But he wouldn't file, so I did.

Our divorce is coming up on its first anniversary. No regrets on my part. Life with my 2 sons is good although it took a long time to find our new normal and paying the bills is a month-to-month, nail biting, stressful event that I dread.