Did you read what I said about DEMANDING she end her affair? And about calling the OM's wife? I predict that may end this affair very quickly.

The goal is not for you to get along, SS, but for you to save your marriage. Going along to get along will cause you to lose your marriage. I am afraid your complacence gives the impression you don't care very much.

It will take a much more aggressive approach to kill her affair than what you have demonstrated so far.

Spot on!

SS, you do understand that the goal here is not to appease your foggy wife, don't you? The way to save your marriage is to kill her affair. I don't see much towards that goal here at all.

Please call the OM's wife today. Please DEMAND that your wife end her affair TODAY. Tell her this will be very ugly if it doesn't stop. If you want to save this, you need to get to work, Sir!

I guess my fear up to this point was if I pushed to hard it would be the last I ever saw of her. I was telling myself that hey, at least she is still in the house, that is worth something right? Sounds like just not really worth much in the big scheme.

Yeah. It's worth something to your WW.
It makes WW happy to have the attention of her husband and her OM without any interference on your part.
She would choose to enjoy that senario for years, and years, and years.

The longer you allow her adultery to go unchallenged, the more WW thinks her behavior is acceptable to you.

I have a number for the OM but he is not living with OMW. I will start searching for a number online. Other than filling her in on the little I know about what is going on, are there specifics I should talk with OMW about?

Your strategy is the one most likely to lead to divorce, though. As long as the affair is allowed to go on unimpeded, your marriage erodes further and further and her affair gets stronger and stronger. Your marriage can survive her temporary anger at exposure/interference, it cant survive an ongoing affair. Not only that, but your complacent approach gives her the impression you don't care very much. That you can't be bothered to fight for her.

Your best hope lies in killing this affair and making it so difficult that the OM dumps her. I would be calling the OMW, exposing to the OM's facebook contacts, raising holy hell. The OM is not going to risk his marriage and his reputation over some cheap side nookey, I assure you. If you raise holy hell, he will likely dump your wife.

I would go find his facebook page, make a copy of his contacts and after you expose to his wife, start sending out PM's to his family and married friends. Space them out 60 seconds apart so fb does not shut you down for flooding. Here is a template letter you can use:

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It is with great regret that I send this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years and have 3 heartbroken children. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BW

I guess I was scared of the possible outcome from putting my foot down on this. It is clear to me now that this is what must be done to get to that tipping point.

She likely has information you need to know as well. Find that out.

How do you know this? I would call the OM's house using *67 to disguise your # and see if she answers. If she does you can discuss the affair with her.


I would exchange all information and offer to be of help in her "divorce" case. She may not be getting divorced at all.

From the carrot/stick thread (link in my sig line)



In YOUR case.
I am calling with bad news.
My WW is having an affair with your WH.
To the best of my knowledge, the affair began around (date).
I have proof of the affair.
I am calling to let you know so you can take precautions to protect yourself.
If you want to speak with me in the future, here is my (phone & email) contact information. If you want to speak directly to my WW, here is her cell number. I want this ugly affair to stop so my marriage has a chance. Sorry to be the bearer of such bad news.

I am a HUGE FAN of the OMW calling the WW to give her hell.

Nothing throws icy cold water on the romance more than an angry WW calling the OW.

Your WW might learn in what ways OM has been lying to her.

AGREE!! SS, I know the OMW called your wife in the past and your WW lied to her about the affair. I would fill the OMW in on all the details and give her your WW's phone # again. Encourage her to give your wife a call.

Total agreement here.

My WW got a call from OMW last year....it stopped the AF for sometime.....but I didn't know. When only one WS knows, the lies are easier. A couple of months past and then a text from my WW to see how he was doing..... AF back on. A few months after that, the EA became a PA. Each knowing time was running out.......neither was planning on leaving for each other, but the fantasy was just too good. After my D-Day, and after I found out that the OMW had made contact, I got in touch with her. She wishes now she had called me, not my WW. Both of us know are guards for each other and our marriages. We do not communicate, but have each others numbers just in case there is a need.

Full exposure.... Kill the fantasy by turning on all the lights.

Then let her get one. Don't pay for her to be able to call her boyfriend.

Do this quickly. Her whole plan hinges on your cooperation. Let her know that you will not be cooperating in destroying your marriage and your children's home.

It ain't gonna happen on your watch. Let her know that in clearly understood terms, SS.

You can certainly respect your WW's desire to 'go potty' in private. You should not respect her desire to 'go potty' with her cell phone in her hand. See the difference between privacy and secrecy?

Meanwhile, she's breathing a sigh of relief that you are so willing to go along with her! Nip that in the bud, SS. I think you'll be very surprised.

She will not respect your actions if you are a doormat, SS.

SS,

Stand tall. Be the man!! Do not let her continue with the secrete life. My WW knows I look....she knows I check her every story and that others are helping me when we are apart. It's her price to pay for the deception she cooked up for the OM.

If you don't, MBliss is right.....you become a door mat.

So, I know I am going to get pummeled by you all for this but here is what I have done so far. I believe I have located the OMW on FB, I just need to confirm it is the right person before I talk with her about her husband's A (that would not be a good conversation to have with the wrong person).

I sat down calmly with WW last night and explained that I still want to make our M work. I know that we can be better and more in love than we ever have been in our relationship. This could not however happen while she continues to be in contact with OM. I told WW that I was feeling like I was enabling the A to continue and survive. We need for it to stop. I told WW that it was important for her to know that I was not going to sit there and let this continue, that I was not ok with the A and that she see that I didn't want it to appear to her that I didn't care about us and was just going to let the cards fall as they may. I told her that this was very difficult for me to talk with her about because I knew the potential risks involved.

Here is where you all gang up on me... WW asked me what I needed for boundaries and I told her that I was still figuring that out. I told her that I didn't want a situation where I told her that she has 10 minutes to pack her stuff up. This was a heads up to let her know how I was feeling about things and that we needed to make some changes. I told her that she was going to have to make some decisions of her own. I could not support her while her A continued. She could no longer have things both ways.

I know I should have had things laid out better before we talked so that I had my boundaries better defined. What I am thinking about gelling her today is that she can either cease all contact with him or move out. How to enforce this will be tricky. I know she is going to feel like a caged animal or is under house arrest when I take the Internet away. I was figuring that I could also cancel the land line leaving her just the pay as you go phone for emergencies. I know she needs access to her email to keep in contact with HR for her new job that will be starting some time in the next few weeks or months (she has an informal offer, just waiting on paperwork). Do I offer her supervised Internet privileges? The other thing I was thinking about was leaving the land line phone up and putting a number block for OM phone. Does that workorare there too many work arounds?

We were both good. Nobody raised their voices and we left the conversation smiling. When I talked with WW about our potential and what I could offer her and us in the future, she said she was seeing the changes that I have been making but I had not yet proven to her or myself for that I had conqured my seasonal depression/rage thing that appears to be the source of why we are where we are (at least in her mind). I have asked WW for forgiveness for how I had treated her during my down times and she says that she is not yet in a place to offer that forgiveness. That frustrates and disappoints me.

So, tonight I try to make contact with OMW and let WW know that I will not support any contact with OM. I won't suggest WW just get her own cell phone but what if she does? Do I allow her to contInue contact while she is here in the house but just on her dime?

Thanks for the support. That wasn't the easiest thing for me. I was raised to minimize problems( my sister is the same way). My instinct is to tell myself that things will be fine and will work themselves out. Definitely not always the case.