Thanks for the hug kerala, I can really use one..., and kayc, thanks, as always, for your kind words.

The truth is, I don't even know what I want. That is the problem. And I know why that is the case. Because I am scared. I am not scared of 'not' finding someone else, but of 'finding' the special someone, the 'right' one...

For instance, I hear/see others struggle with mans with their kids from the previous marriages. Because the schedules tend to be busier, of course, and many women feel that they are not the priorities. Or I hear/see others complain about their husbands/boyfriends being too busy at work and not spending enough time. And of course I see many who get hurt by their partners' affairs.

If I can be completely honest here - one of the 'additional' reasons I am still attracted to my BF (or ex BF) is the fact he does not have his own kids and (maybe that's why) he truly developed genuine love towards my son. Of course I have friends (women and men) who love and treat my son like their own, whether they are married/unmarried with or without kids, so in my head I understand that it could happen again with other man. However, statistically speaking, divorcees' second marriages with kids are much more likely to fail.

I know how damaging it can be to have a step parent and/or step siblings, based on my experience with my XH. He and his siblings suffered greatly because they were raised by their step mom and she treated her own daughters much better.

These things very much scare me. Which tends to make me feel desperate (although I haven't really contacted him, and even when we had communication, I never talked about us since the last talk, and we talked about business, economy, politics, etc., so I do not believe I gave the impression of being desperate). At the same time, I did notice that guys who have been married and have kids have certain maturity that single men do not have.

I know no one can predict what would happen in the future, you just need to believe in yourself and your future and God that things will work out and you need to move on. It's just every time I hear others' stories (those that did not work out) b/c of the spouses' ex's and/or kids, it discourages me, and it make me realize that with BF, I at least would not have had those issues...

How do you manage such fear? 50% of marriages ends in divorce. As a divorcee, my odd would be even higher. If I marry someone who has also been divorced, the chance is...... Very, very scary.

...and I also realize how my BF might have felt with us, since my priority has been my son when we are together.

Those are real concerns, but you can't "settle" because he has a few good qualities if he's not right for you...and he's not. There are men out there that would not only treat your son well but love him for who he is and because he is your son...my late husband was wonderful to my kids, they both still miss him and talk about him. They exist...you just have to meet the right one and don't settle for the wrong one before you meet him!

Hey Milkshake!
I think you are on the right track. As others have said there is no reason to "settle." As Thomas Edison said of his 500 failed experiments when developing the lightbulb "I have been successful 500 times in finding way NOT to invent a lightbulb."
I think you should focus some time on the EN questionairre and get a good sense for the things you're looking for -- the things you feel will be important to you in a relationship. Then date with those things in mind. When one exhibits signs of not having those qualities (or, let's say he's not a good conversationalist, when IC might be a EN of yours), then you simply move on.

As I read a long time ago: "if you don't know what you want you're sure to find it." or something like that. You get my point, hopefully. BTW I like your moniker but it always makes me a little hungry.

opt

Thanks KC and Opt. I certainly would like to see my 'trials and errors' in relationships as a way to invent something meaningful and have the true (literally) 'aha!' moment

OK, here is my confession. My friends have been urging me to just get out and go out to see other guys. So I did. Some are very intelligent, successful, kind hearted, genuine, passionate, romantic, etc., etc, but I am not physically attracted to. Some are sexy, handsome, I am very much attracted to, but I know they are not very good marriage materials.

Throughout my dating history, I noticed something. I tend to be attracted to the 'wrong' type guys. Just look at my XH! He is cute, tall, romantic, etc., etc., but had major issues and his life was full of lies. My most recent XBF. He is also very tall, handsome, but not very warm hearted and everything has to be in his way, so again, not a very good marriage material.

I went out with those who I believe would make a great husband and father. They are very nice and sweet, and I respect them so much. But I am just not attracted to them! What is wrong with this picture? Then there is this guy, who is so wrong, he is tall and good looking and sexy...., but I know I should not be with him.

My head and heart are not in sync. Why am I attracted to the wrong kinds? I want to be happy, but my heart always directs me to the wrong kinds who will make it harder to have a happy and healthy relationship/marriage with.

At the same time, I am the kind of person who develops love gradually, and except for 2 relationships I had in the past, my relationships including marriage always started out as the guy pursuing me, and initially I was not interested much but then later on I became very fond of and fell in love with them. So I wonder I should just keep dating those whom I may not be too attracted to initially... Physycal attractiveness of the partner is usually a big thing for guys, I wonder why this has to be a big thing for me, I am a woman...

My GF said to me "if you just want to be with a nice, smart, and caring person, why can't you be with your girlfriends? The reason it has to be a guy is because there is sexual attractiveness too, so if I were you, I cannot date someone I am not sexually attracted to", which kind of made sense to me. But if I follow my heart, I have a feeling I would not be able to have a happy, healthy and long-lasting relationship....I felt hopeless.

Can you change your taste for guys? Maybe it's hard for guys to do, I know it's a lot more visual for men, but for women you would think with experience their tastes may be able to change...

Nothing wrong with physical attraction being a major EN for you. This is not a problem.

You need to see and detach from the idea of being with someone who is not emotionally available (which is a pattern from your childhood by the way) and move towards the partnership idea. Focus instead on how nice it would be to be cherished. Meet people with an open mind, maybe try Match.com?

The "project" or "fixer-upper" guy is what attracts you.

Your response illustrates my point -- identify your most important EN's. One might be PA.
It is for me. I've been criticized by my family for this "you married good looks first and look how that turned out..."
However, my new GF NatureGirl is very pretty. She's thin and in shape, and her skin is magnificent. You know why? Because she respects herself. She doesn't drink, eat junk, drink soda; she's physically active. Guess who else strives for these things? ME. So it's just another thing we have in common, and that's good for a relationship, IMV.

I can see why Harley calls Physical Attractiveness a legitimate physical Emtional Need. There's no reason to change your tastes.

opt

Ooooh. That's really good advice. I think I'll look at that, too.

I made a top ten list. It is how I was able to extricate myself from a 'wrong' relationship (post divorce) and find the right one after that.

Questions for ladies -

How quickly do you get really excited about your new date and feel 'in love'? Do you know immediately "this is it!"? Maybe except for when I was young, like in college, I never had this instant 'click' many people talk about. It takes a long time for me to fall in love. Does this happen to any of you?

Questions for gentlemen -

When do you feel 'loved' by your spouse or girlfriend? Is there such thing as you are very attracted to the lady, respect her, care about her, enjoy her company, look forward to seeing her, but feel not loved and therefore cannot love that person?

I ask these questions because I'd better learn from my experience and mistakes. My relationships had always started out where I was being pursued by the guy, and I was never really crazy about the person at the beginning, like I said, when I was in college, this was not the case, I fell in love with my boyfriend first, but that's a long time ago

The problem is this timing mismatch - because they pursue, I was not really in it in the initial stage; they felt they were not loved by me. Then I would fall in love with them after I got to really know them and comfortable with them. But I feel very bad during the time when I was not so crazy about them, and also ended up feeling bad because by the time I became crazy about them they are sort of already 'checked out'.

There have been some guys who have been asking me out. Some I have no interest nor see any future together so have told them I was not interested. Some are nice; meeting some of my key 'must have'-needs-list. I have gone out with them, but I'm not clicking. I don't want to just judge after just one date, so I went out several more times with two completely different types. But I am still neutral. They are now increasingly asking more of my time, and I find myself feeling it is a bit of a 'choir' to do this. At the same time I know a big part of the reason I feel this way is because I still have feelings for my XBF, so I am desparately trying to kill them by going out with different people (including girls too). But I still have this empty feeling when I am with new dates. I feel bad, I think this is not fair for them either.

I know I have been trying to not talk about my xBF, but I keep missing him. Maybe because it's gone so I feel I want it more? I hope not, but I still wish things could have worked out. My xH, xBF, and some other men who once loved me, all said that they did not feel they were my priority. They are right, I guess, as I prioritize my son, but for things I feel as a mother I should be doing so. So far, my feeling is that no men want to feel they are not the number one on my list.

They are, but they are not. I need to protect my son, provide for my son, and make sure he feels loved and grow up healthy so that he would not do things my XH did since he never felt that he was loved by his step mom when he was little.

But then guys I was with felt I did not care about them as much. I mean, I praise my men just as I do for my son. I cook very nice gourmet meals for them just as I do for my son. I show lots of affection (hugging, kissing, holding hands, etc.) just as I do so for my son. Maybe I'm not thinking about my men as much as I am thinking of my son, but I cannot help it - but I know people can tell I'm talking about my son a lot.

Is that such a big crime? Is it so bad for men? Please, I would like to hear both sides of honest opinions on this. Thanks!

I haven't had a date since the early 1980s, so I'm not sure about all that. It seems to me that it OUGHT to take some time. If you have fluttery feelings when you don't know anything about the guy isn't that just lust/physical attraction?



Maybe you need to take some time off from dating. It takes time to recover from a broken relationship.

My divorce was final in March and I'm not looking to date yet. I'm going to wait until it's been a year. A couple of months ago I was really eager to get out there and start dating, but some things happened that made me a little more cautious. As time goes on, I'm getting past that frantic desire to find a man. Now, I'm thinking more about how to find the RIGHT man.

I suggest studying the EN questions. Then when you go into a date(s) you can begin to ask the questions to the guy. You may be seeking men who have a low FC, and that is why there is this mismatch. If you can find a man with a higher FC, then you may have more of a connection.

What you are observing here is not the process of falling in love which always takes at least six months but the infatuation's chemical shortcut that says 'this is someone special, pay attention'. That process is an instant two way feeling and there is no reason at all why you should not feel just as much swept off your feet by it at 60 as at 15.

If you are not feeling any fireworks you might just not have met the right person or you are not emotionally available. This might be because you are afraid to put yourself out there or because you are involved with someone already. You might have to push yourself a bit, that's what I did and then my knees failed in one look when the right man came along.

There can be an instant "clicking" and there can be an instant attraction, not to be confused with love, which takes time to grow as you get to know each other. Men who would expect head over heels from you instantly are either egotistical, immature, or just don't have a clue, either way, I wouldn't worry about it.

It wasn't that long ago that you were in your relationship. I would give it time to get over him before moving on to the next person. As I said before, focus on your son and also yourself. Develop new interests (besides men) and enjoy your life, you have plenty of time...

Thanks guys, I know my emotions are still vulnerable. I do have busy career as well as other interests which can occupy my time (thank goodness!), of course along with activities with my son, and lately I have not been obsessed with my XBF.

It just so happened that yesterday my son had his first basketball game, and my XBF just showed up out of blue. Honestly, I thought it was nice of him. But then I got confused, is he doing this just to make the transition smooth and easy for my son? And that thought paralyzed me. I had to call and ask him that while it was very nice of him to show up to support my son, I needed to know if he was doing so just for the sake of my son, or if he had intention of getting back with me.

He said I have many wonderful qualities and am beautiful and among all the women he had ever been with, he had never met anyone to whom he was more attracted than me. YET, he said, he never felt he was my priority and therefore he cannot love me. Also he said my playing golf with him he felt that I was doing him a favor.

Yes, despite 'taking a break' status, it really hurt me. So I told him that then we should just move on. But it really hurts. He cannot love me! After all of these years! Then why did he stay with me for 5 years???

Anyway, till yesterday's incident, I was doing relatively OK...., it was a setback. It was totally unexpected that he showed up (he knew of the schedule since way back when he talked to my son he had asked him about his basketball game schedule).

Maybe I will just stay single for the rest of my life..., I feel like no matter what I do, men may always feel shortchanged.

Maybe it's not you, maybe it's just this one with you. I would tell him to please not keep coming by, that you and your son need a clean closure, because like you said, it sets you back, and it may be hard on your son too.

Hi, Milkshake. You know what, I think Kay is on to something. I bet it's not really you, it's the combination of you and the men.

I read two books on compatibility. One of them talked about how people's need for emotional intimacy varies. Some people need a lot of togetherness time, telling each other everything, they need pretty constant demonstration that they are important. Other people feel smoothered and clausterphobic with that kind of depth.

Maybe you would have better permenant results with a man who didn't need that constent emotional togetherness.

It turns out, I'm pretty independent. I like a lot of personal space. I told a friend of mine that I tend to put up walls when someone gets too close to fast. She laughed and said not only did I build a big brick wall, I dug a moat around it.

So for me, a man who gets emotionally up close too fast, or for too long, or is too intense, that feels very scary and wrong to me.

Mike, my late husband, was like me, only probably more so. He was also really good at reading people. So, we were a good match in that way. However, our relationship was very slow in the beginning. There wasn't the rush I had normally found so exciting, and it took a long time to get to know him. Even now, I don't think I knew him as well as I would have liked.

I know none of this makes you feel any better now. But, it can be food for thought.

Milkshake,

I know it is hard breaking up with someone, but the best way to do it is like yanking off a bandaid - do it quickly. Don't linger in the neither here nor there territory of "taking a break" or being confused. And like kay said, tell him to stop showing up where he knows he'll find you.

Thanks KC, GG and AGG. I love the analogy of the Band-Aid AGG, how did you know that I was one of those who peels it off slowly rather than yanking off at once? LOL. Yup, it's better off to be done with. Now I come to think of it, my son has the same trait - he is soooooo scared of any pain, I hope he will not in the future run into the same type of problems as mine...yikes.

Have a great Thanksgiving everyone, for the first time ever, I'm hosting it at my place tomorrow, even though my son will be with his dad. I'm excited about it. On this year's Thanksgiving eve, I am very thankful for everything I have, my son, family, health, job, and people around me including you guys who have supported me throughout my tough time and given me sincere advice.