Good day,

I have been lurking here since August...I am a BH. Here is my story (it is long...I apologize...but it is what it is):

Married for almost 15 years (Dec). 3 children (11/8/6) - I am 35 and she is 36. For the most part, I thought we had a stable and happy marriage. I always knew things could be better, but they can always be better. My wife and I shared (or so I thought) the same values about marriage and family. I always thought that as the kids are now getting older, that we would have more time to spend on us. She has always been a "go go go" type of person. She was always the neighborhood mom - I'd get home from work and there would be 20 kids at my house running crazy with my wife looking after their every need. She loved it. She also volunteered a lot around the base I was assigned to (I'm USAF - 17yrs AD). So with the "go go go" and me doing what I do - and the 3 kids + friends...things were a blur for a while. Sex was almost non-existence - maybe once a month.

Early on in our marriage, I discovered the internet. While deployed with some friends - we made a game of talking to girls online and getting them to be our "friends" on a website sort of like facebook. We would stoop to some pretty low levels and say just about anything to make our "friends" list gorw and see who had the most girls on their list. It was a cruel game - but to us, it was just that...a game. We never thought about the girls on the other end, never intended to meet them...chatting wasn't "real" to us. A mistake I now understand - but at the time when I was 21, I didn't see it like that. But after the deployment, I couldn't stop. I'd get bored as our sex life took a back seat and I'd find myself online chatting again. No pictures or anything - internet was still infancy - dial-up. So just chatting. My wife discovered this and even after I hurt her, I relapsed and even ventured to a quick 2 minute phone call one night. That was it - I changed and I have never talked to another girl in that manner again. To me, it was a resolved issue and she treated it as such to. What I didn't know was my actions changed our relationship and changed my darling wife. She built a wall around her heart and distanced herself from me emotionally. She was still my wife - still said and did everything you'd want - but again, our sex life suffered. But not the point of NO sex...just not very often.

So problems - because sex was low - I always assumed her sex drive was much lower than mine. I loved her and while I was frustrated, I was taught to accept your chosen for everything they are. People change as they grow older and happily married couples (such as my parents and grandparents) grow to accept those changes. So her sex drive was low - I accepted it. But it was always a tense part of our marriage as I'd have to hope and pray for the times when she said "yes". Because our sex life was low - I used porn. Something she'd gripe about - but then she'd say "no" so I'd feel justified - I'm a guy and I have a need. I would never cheat on my wife (again - the EA from 10 years earlier was the last time I ever made that miatake). So I used porn.

Okay - so that is where we were at. Not happy - but I still thought a functioning marriage. Never gave thought to either of us having an affair of any sort again. We had family friends at where I am at now. The guy was a co-worker and my best friend - my wife and his wife were really good friends - and our kids were all friends. Last 3+ years, we have spent every holiday and just about any other weekend together in one way or another. I confided in him and he confided in me. Our families were very close.

I went on a deployment for 4 weeks to Australia - this was to be my last time as we were moving in December to a new base - our friends were staying here for a while longer. Two nights after I left, he started texting my wife that he loved her. After hours and hours of talking - he was depressed because his wife was off-island back home tending to her sick mother and he was lonely...also his marriage wasn't good. He convinced her she hated me. Told her things I had said in confidence as two guys venting - not the countless times I told him how much I loved my wife. AFter he turned her against me, he started working on her. Convinced her that she wants a divorce and she started to fall for him. In the 4 weeks I was gone, they had an EA/PA with lots of sex...and tattooes of each other's sign, picked out a house, picked out kids names for another kid (something I was unaware she wanted - another child). Another thing to mention - there was a secret in her past that lined up with something that he went through - and they bonded over that...something she never told me. They did things sexually that we never did (outside the house in public places). They wrote letters.

So, on Jul 23d, she dropped a bomb in an email and told me she wanted a divorce. I was still in Australia. He started texting her on 2 Jul, they kissed on 13 Jul, and was intimate on 16 Jul. So she tells me she was never happy, never loved me "like that", and wants a divorce to go home and find her soul-mate. I'm devestated. The next day, she already wants to work on decree, already has lawyer, etc. My best friend is also online with me telling me it sucks, sometimes you have to let her go and if it is meant to be, she'll come back. So I agree to the divorce and work the decree - hoping that when I come back home and she sees me, she'll change her mind.

So I come home and stay in the same house - she is in bedroom, I'm in living room. She is living her own life waiting on the plane ride home. I even went on a date, and started meeting women through match.com for where I was moving to in December - now by myself. We go through this excrutiating time of my life and I'm crying, drinking - and my best friend goes out with me as buddies all the time to get my mind off of it.

Then it happened - 15 Aug we go out as buddies before his deployment (he was to leave in next 2 days). We go out - but he texted me in the club saying he was leaving - feeling sick - getting cab. Now, this night was also my wife's going away with her girlfriends. We were at different bars so we wouldn't bump into each other. So he leaves.

Next morning I go to his house and he is not there. He is my best friend and we always let ourselves into each other's house. He wasn't there - early in the AM after a night of drinking - and he hasn't been home. Next I found messages (won't say where) of my wife saying I Love You to him. I called her devestated and crying. She said yes - he was her soul-mate. But he didn't reciprocate. She fell for him after she decided on divorce. He didn't want her - he was my friend - and so she was going home with the kids. I believe this.

So he leaves (I drove him to the airport). She leaves. The OMW shows up to my house after she gets back on island and starts to scream that she knows they had an affair. I assured her this was not the case - but it again raised my suspicion. So I managed to see her emails/fb accounts that night. And read everything. It was very much reciprocated - he proposed to her. So after saving everything - I called her and was very upset. She still claimed - swore - nothing physical. His career was important and so he drew the line.

So - he breaks it off with her with some pressure from me. She cries to me...blah blah blah. I love her so I listen to her. I feel bad - I am heart broken over her, she is heart broken over him. I didn't know what to do. At this point, she was already coming back - I thought to help with the kids...later I found out because "I want to make he signs the decree". Either way, she was coming back and I couldn't stop her. She had orders and tickets. Two days later, she tells me over the phone that indeed it was physical - A LOT. More than we do in a year and at various locations. She said she loved sex and her sex drive wasn't low like she led me to belive all those years. She just hated sex with me...didn't love me.

At this point, I let my commander know what I know - minus the physical stuff. He puts a no-contact order on him - but since he is deployed, it takes a while to get to him. My wife knows this...

So she comes home - and changes her language. Now it is - I can't think about US "yet". So I am clinging to a very thin line of hope that maybe we can still work. So a couple of days and she says she needs time and space to figure it all out. I stop contact with girls I had met online and had setup dates with in my new city/state - Christian girls - everything was "friends" and they knew my story. I had stopped clinging to hope that my M may not be dead.

So we go out with kids and she texts on phone all day. On drive home, I ask if she is still talking to OM. She said "yes". I asked what about (they had broken off the A). She said none of my business and that is when I knew we were over. I told her I was telling CC and that we are DONE. I leave the house to clear my head. She goes to sleep. When I came home, I emailed the OM (my best friend) that he is a POS and I don't know how a man can do what he did...blah blah blah - but he can have her, we are DONE...and of course he sends this to my wife (in the bedroom). She comes out pissed off - apparently he got no-contact order that day and then my email - he really broke it off with her. She was devestated and blamed me. So she leaves the house.

I'm fuming. I look over the bedroom and find her journal...and reading just how in love with him she thought she was. I call her at her friends house and tell her I'm getting a lawyer and it is no longer a no fault divorce. Then I call OMW...also a friend mind you. Apparently, after he broke it off w/ my wife, he called his wife and confessed "everything". So now I'm on phone with her and we are dissecting everything...and he is still of course lying to her. My wife comes home and hears me on the phone with her. She is freaking out (as I discovered later reading texts she was sending to him...with no response). He is telling his wife that "she was a piece of [censored], she was nice to me, she means nothing, I want to work on marriage". He told her he had not spoken in days. I said nope - they spoke (txt) earlier that day - about 5 hours prior. Well, she had him on skype at the same time and said yes - he wanted to keep "her" on a short leash in case his wife said "no" to working on M. My wife is hearing all of this and getting PISSED. She asks if he told her about tattoo - and of course he didn't. So we go for 2 hours - my wife is coming clean on everything - opening emails, texts, etc... After this Q&A - it is over. Wife goes to bed angry and hurt.

Next day, wife tells me that she can't let this happen to someone else. He was too good at the lies, told her what to do, how to keep this quiet and saves his career, blah blah blah. He had 2 other "instances" but he said nothing happened and she believed him. Now she doesn't...says we have to tell CC everything. So we do - I said it was her decision and I'll back her 100%. So we go to CC and she does a statement and everything...military. So they open an investigation.

Then a week goes by - we are in limbo...she needs space (withdrawl). Then OMW calls me...says that they are doing "great" - it was her fault because how she treated him...etc. Then she told me this secret from her past that I didn't know - that she trusted him with. So I confront my wife and I'm hurt she never told me. But she is ballistic because his wife is a loudmouth and is the last person who should know something so intimate about her past. So whatever lingering feelings she might have had - were gone.

That night - she came back to the marriage in full swing (we made love). The next 3 days were a blur - but I was happy and we had sex 3 times...we were holding hands, laughing, and even joking about the A and the stuff they did. She does a 180 - she wants me to pull way back - to the point of no contact at all. Just talking. I still sleep in bed, but no touching. For 3 weeks...we went like this.

Then I had it - she said online to me (I was at work) that she still has feelings for him. Not that she wants to go back to him, but she loves him. I got mad and drove home and came in and said we are talking now - and if she didn't want to, then she can just listen. Then she said "Don't you think it was wierd that I went from his bed to your bed?" I said no - I thought that if there was any good out of this, it was that we could be stronger and even respark our marriage. Something was obviously wrong in our marriage - now I don't take us for granted, I made changes (domestic support, family commitment, etc). I said that was the spark. She felt that if the "love" wasn't real - than what does that make her. Almost like she was afraid to confront the wrong in the A. I said I can't keep living like we were - I was drinking heavily at night. We either started working on our M, or we had to move on.

So we started that day...and every day since has been better than the day before. We have our fights...but overall, we are moving forward. Each day we spend less energy talking or thinking about the A. I don't know her mind, so I don't know how much she thinks about the OM, but she seems sincere in wanting to work on US...and she seems appreciative that I was able to forgive her. Although - everything is functioning like a normal M, but she can't say "I Love You" yet.

There is NC between the OM and my wife. I am 100% positive in this...and we will move before he comes back to his home. I talked to OMW a month ago, they already have tickets and plans to remarry in Fiji.

*********************<history over>********************

So why am I on here now. I feel we are in recovery - about 5 weeks now. She is very against counselling. She wants to just block it out like it never happened and go back to "normal". My nightmare is normal - normal is what she didn't want - what she threw away. So here are my issues.

I can't unknow things - I can't unhear things. She likes sex when I thought she didn't. But she tells me stuff like - we'll never have sex 15-20 times in a month...ever. How does that make me feel? She was always "hard"...didn't like mushy stuff like letters and stuff. But she told me (while under the fog) that she does...she is a girl...so of course she does. When I do them now, she doesn't want it. Basically - this guy was able to swoop her off of her feet. I don't want to be him...but if she likes things...I want to fulfill that for her. Especially the SF. What made it so great with him that she could do it that much in a 3 week time period...but not with me. Right now, we are averaging about 3 times in 2 weeks...and that is fine, I'm not pressuring her for more sex. It was just the principle I guess of what she said - that it hurt for her to say that. But we having sex more than before the A - but not as much as I'd like - especially now as I try to regain my self-esteem. But at the same time, her self-esteem is low because she feels used and ashamed. So I am sympathetic to that. So I told her I don't want "more" - but I want her to tell me what she WANTS...how she wants it...what can I do to make her desire sex vs just willing (and yes, I read the article on this website). Okay - so that is number 1 - trying to relearn who she is and what she wants. I want communication - something that I feel was led to this. She has a hard time telling me what she wants out of life...in or out of the bedroom.

She doesn't any kind of counselling. I asked her to fill out the EN Q and she did so reluctantly. She only filled out some - but she did rank them, so that is a start for me. I did the same and we talked a little about it.

But our recovery right now is feeling very much like 80/20. She is putting forth effort and I see some changes (more affection and SF than before) - but for the large majority, she wants to go back to "normal" and just get back to the day to day grind. Something I'm afraid of.

Okay - sorry for the length - and I understand if you just skimmed through this. But this is my first post and I wanted a record of this - plus it was great therapy for me to write it down, and also I would like feedback on if we are moving in the right direction...is there more I could do? I am reading everything on here too. I want to make changes - and I need her to make changes.

Thank you for your time...

Ifeel like you its hard to relearn someones personality theres 2 people the one you knew and the new one were confusing AND YOUR NOT SURE WHAT TO DO NEXT. LET ME KNOW IF YOU FIGURE IT OUT CAUSE I HAVENT YET.

Darrell,

Welcome to MB. Sorry you are here. You have done some things that are right. There are some more things you can do. You have NC in place which is good. You need to make sure that this goes for BOTH of you. You have all the info you needed from the A, right? Then there is no reason for you or your wife to ever contact the other couple again.

Also, who have you exposed the affair to besides the OM's wife and your command?

You will probably need to expose to both sides of the family.

Also, have you guys worked on extraordinary precautions yet? It is a must fo recovering marriage so that this will never happen again for either of you.

just another thought.. You may want to contact the moderators and let them know this should be in the surviving and affair thread. You are more likely to get more responses there.

CV

Tiffanie:

Do you have your own thread? You seem to need help, but I'm not seeing anything with your name on it.

Have you read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harvey? Have you read the basic concepts on this website?

C'mon, girl! Start your own thread. You'll get lots of help!

Sincerely,
SP

Darrel:

I agree that your thread needs to move to the other forum. It's clear that you need some more help.

But welcome to MB, the place no one wants to be a part of, but where you will find a way to build a better marriage.

When you're talking to your wife, please remember to tell her that you don't want the OLD marriage back. You realize that you were complicit in an unhealthy relationship (not that that excuses her cheating). And that you want her to be happy in your marriage, to be a better man than the one she married.

That's the GREAT selling point about Marriage Builders. Is that it builds a marriage that makes BOTH partners happy.

I know it will be impossible for her to think about being happy right now. Here affair has just been busted and she thinks she's going to be stuck with a porn-addicted macho man.

And you both should be reading either "Surviving an Affair" or "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harvey.

Once you start reading these books, lightbulbs will start to go off on how you really can have a wonderful, faithful, fulfilling marriage.

Cheers,
Sweetpea

Hi Darrell, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are here. Most marriages do not recover from adultery. They limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage and are more vulnernable after the affair than before. You don't have to be like that if you follow this program to the letter. Your marriage needs to become BETTER than it was before the affair in order to recover. The way to do that is to fall in love again. Your wife is not in love with you but that can be changed if you do these steps. The most important and instrumental step is spending 20+ hours of undivided attention time meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs: conversation, affection, sexual fulfillment, and rec companionship. It will feel awkward at first, but soon enough you will see a difference and in a few weeks you will start feeling romantic love again.

I would caution you against giving her "forgiveness," though. A better alternative is just compensation. Do you have the book Survivng an Affair?

Here are some key links that will be helpful.

Requirements for Recovery

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

The Policy of Undivided Attention

Thanks for the replies.

I struggled with where we are. On one hand I think we need some more time. But on the other, my FWS is very head strung. She just wants to put the A behind us and move forward. She gets upset when I push this stuff on her - anything about healing. In her mind, she is healed and we are healed - and I just need to be happy and move on. We are back to what we were. Just last night, when I said I just want us to be happy - not settle, but be happy. She said "what, you aren't happy now?" I said I am happy that she is with me, that she is committed to me again, but I don't want the old "us", I want a new and better relationship.

She gets it in...but she feels I am shoving this down her throat. And maybe I am. I've never been patient. I can get obsessive when I'm on a mission (like saving my M). Her best friend told her she's never seen a man fight as hard for his M as I have. During this whole ordeal - where pieces of the A were revealed to me in pieces over 4 weeks, I was a wreck - but I never waivered from loving her and wanting her back.

I doubt I can get her to read a book. I have a hard time getting her to read stuff I write or send her. Again - in her mind, she and we don't need outside help. Noone knows US. The best thing would be actual MC, but she doesn't want any part of that. In her mind, it is over, it was a mistake, one she'll never do again - she justifies by thinking it wasn't really cheating. It was supposed to be forever so she was leaving one relationship for another. In their "fog" - the plan was we'd never find out (me or the OMW). So she'd go home and in 6 months (after his deployment) he'd contact me (at my new base) and ask my permission to date my ex-wife. That we'd eventually all still be friends and I'd even come over for BBQs with my ex-wife, him, and my kids - and presumeably my new love. Fairy tale ending. So to her it wasn't cheating - it was leaving me for another. Only after that fairy tale came crashing down did she see through the fog...only after he was forced to end the A and she was able to see through the lies (he wasn't breaking it off with his wife like she was breaking it off with me). He said he filed for D too, but he didn't. He sent her a crappy decree, but then right after recanted it to his W...while my W was actually going through with the D.

So she feels used and while she misses the feelings - she now understands that she was in love an image. Someone who isn't real...a character he made up for her. I told her if that is the case, then I still fear the next "character". I want to A-proof our relationship. I don't want her to settle on me...I want her to WANT to be with me and love me as I love her.

Right now, everything is normal. BEtter than before the A I'd say - at least on the surface. Everything she does or says is back to her old self. She takes care of the kids, the house, the finances, works out, spends time with her friend (she secluded herself from the others - EVERYONE here knows about the A...everyone knew me and this guy were best friends and we worked in same unit). So she kept one friend that she confides in and spends time with. She is still friendly to others as she sees them, but there is only one that she really confides in. In fact, we are doing Thanksgiving with them. And WE are also spending way more time together (my work respsonsibilities are just about gone since I'm moving in 3 weeks). And we take time for SF and other ENs.

So in her mind - "why am I still down, why do I think we still need help." She said to me that it seems like I'm just constantly talking about US and she can't do "enough". That she understands what she did but she can never make it "right". That I either accept it or I don't. I can either forgive her or I can't. Of course I do accept it and I do forgive her. I don't beat her up over the A. I just am insecure about her happiness and without that, this could happen again. She said she was miserable for 10 years and lived a lie. Typical fog comments - but they still sting. And I don't want her miserable - I'd never wish that on anyone. So I want to know what makes HER happy. But getting that from her is like pulling teeth.

From her perspective - I could just shut up, live my life, care for her, move forward and never speak of the A or the OM again, and we'd live happily ever after...without really putting forth effort, we'd just go back to normal.

I have tried to tell her all of this - but she thinks I've been overbearing so I'm trying to pull back. I do want her feel out the LB Q (already have the EN Q). And I hope she really reads through this website. And I am going to order the books suggested (thank you).

I understand withdraw takes typically 6 months. She has had no physical contact with him since Aug 15, and NC since Sept 5. So still early - but he really hurt her and she now thinks he is a sociopath - just the way he played everyone (my wife, his wife, me, his work). The A was alreayd known by her family. When she went home, the OM even called all the time (skype) and talked to her family - told them that he loved her. Her family and friends supported her - whatever you need to be happy, etc...

His family (including teenage daughters) knows...the OMW shotgunned emailed just about everyone here on base. Our unit knows - and rumorville has told everyone else. They didn't hide it very well - his truck at my house, they were always together (getting coffee in the AM, lunch, etc). They just assumed noone would figure it out - we were family friends after all...and everyone knew that.

So the A is known by just about everyone. It is exposed. And the NC is for both sides. If he contacts her again, his career could be over (disobeying a direct order). His NC to letter to my wife was pretty direct. She was devestated at the time (still under the fog and blaming me for his actions). It took a week (and his divulging the secrets she confided in him to his wife) for her to begin to see through the fog. Now, she never lets me know her feelings about him. I'm positive she doesn't want him back (he used her)...but she misses those "feelings".

My C said to look at this in a positive (if I want to save my M). This happened for a reason - it sucks, but we can be stronger from it. She buys that - but I'm not a patient sort. I want us to be better and stronger NOW. I know that is unrealistic. Maybe why I'm venting here - because maybe this will get it out of my system and temper some of my impulse to shove this down her throat.

I'm happy that we are together - and happy that she isn't withdrawn or anything. On the surface, I should be happy. What more could I want? She doesn't understand why I'm wanting to read all this and work on our M. She said "isn't that what we are doing - working on our M?" I said yes, but she wants to do it internally - just US. No help from the outside...that we are somehow so unique, that these tools can't help us. I said reading the forums - I swear there are threads that WE could have written - that everything she said and did - and everything I said and did and felt - are right down the middle compared to other similar stories. But we UNIQUE.

Sigh - sorry for rambling. It helps - but I know I write too much. Thanks again for the help.

I don't know if this is recovery or surviving - I feel everything is done that can be done about the A. She is moving forward and just wants to forget it. It was a mistake, she is sorry, she wants to work on M, and she is doing all the right things from that standpoint - we are better than before in terms of undertanding each other and our ENs. She is changing on some fronts (more affection, more SF - at least frequency, more converation, etc...) But I guess I just am insecure still - my self-esteem is still very low (and if she'd open up more - I'm sure she'd tell me hers is still low too).

We are moving in 3 weeks (our house is already packed and our stuff is its way to our new house). Moving back to the states after being overseas - the move will work wonders I hope. Being on an island - everyone knows everyone, everyone knows everything, and there is no escape.

Thanks for listening. Not sure what I'm asking specifically, just needed to share my story and see that we are "normal" and our recovery is on the right track. Just encouragement I guess.

Moved on request.