Six months is not very long. Don't waste a minute of it on ADD and diagnoses and such. You can worry about your problems after you help this woman you've mortally wounded and are about to lose.

I would suggest you call Dr. Harley again pronto and tell the complete truth this time.

I'm out for meeting all day today but I'll get on it.

Thanks for posting.

Also, everybody laughing and mocking me, please have compassion and realize I wouldn't be here if I didn't want my marriage.

Schlag .... just so you know .....

SusieQ is the BW of Chris1970.

We'll see.


Everybody here wants you to succeed at becoming a caring and worthwhile husband. Some may use humor or disrespect to get their points across.

I suggest you quit telling other people how to post and get busy. You've only got six months. So far, you are nowhere near your goal of being someone worth staying with. You're all talk, all lies, and no action. Compassion for you (and your wife) demands that I tell you so, to your face, and strongly encourage you to change. And to point out when you are wasting time on distractions and excuses.

You have dispensed so much crap on this thread that it stinks. There is no path to success here until you cut the crap, so whatever it takes to get that message across to you is compassionate.

You'll look like a real moron in six months if all you've achieved is complain about how people post.


Of course you want your marriage. Noone questions that.

But it sounds like you'd like to have your marriage without having to tell the truth or do the things that make you worth having.

Every adulterer wants their marriage. It's called wanting to have your cake and eat it, too.

The fact that you want your marriage does not make you any more noble than any other serial cheater.

Can you see how this keeps you stuck? It is moments like thing that I suspect trigger something inside of you to seek admiration. What is your worth today Sclag? Have you been 100% honest, have you done something admirable? If so then feel it and live it.

What are you doing today to be admired by your wife and kids?

My posts to you are in direct correlation to the level of seriousness you demonstrate here. So far the seriousness you have demonstrated warrants this:

When that changes, my response will change. But I refuse to give your posts any more seriousness than they deserve. We have too many people on this forum who ARE serious and are in need. People who are serious get my compassion. People who are scammers get NONE.

Schlag .... There is nothing special about a man who lies.

Dear Schlag,

I have ADD and consider myself hypersexual. That is no excuse to have an affair (I've never had one). That would be like saying you have eaten peas and that gives you the right to fart in public. It does NOT add up.

I can be addicted to food without robbing a store.

___
The temper, the not being satisfied with my life as it was, the blaming others for my own miscommunications, the lack of self-awareness, reduced ability to self-regulate, and seeking of stimulation.
___

Blaming others is NOT a sign of ADD, it is a sign of narcissistic personality disorder (which can co-exist, by the way).

Also, if you have ADD and use sex as a stimulant, you would be hyperfocussing on that, so it certainly does NOT count as a reason why your memory of the affair is conveniently so bad.
Generally people with ADD do not have bad memory more than other people. If something gets through to them, they remember just as well as everyone else.

And foggy is a reference to your tendency to play things down and gaslight your wife. Maybe you can add a question in your next polygraph about if you used bad memory as an excuse in the past. (not saying that you do, but just verify.)

ADD does not relinquish responsibility for self.

In fact, being factually diagnosed (twice now, you said?) means that your self-responsibility is actually increased.

I diabetic doesn't get a free pass to abuse themselves by eating an entire birthday cake because they know what their condition means.

A COPD patient does not get free reign to smoke 2 packs a day and not deal with the consequences, because they know what their condition means.


Besides, if you have been suffering from ADD, I'm quite certain that you have found ways to focus yourself when you know you have to. And I'm certain that stimulating activity overcomes your attention deficit.

So, learn to make your marital interaction stimulating.

That's what I'm doing. Though it is less a marital interaction now than roommates.

I've quit video games and coffee, just finished my 6th week of the couch-to-5K, and have lost 35 pounds since I started running.


Well, all I can say is that my memory is terrible and it has been for a long time. And the book that I'm reading about ADD say that memory is especially effected by the neurotransmitters norepinephrine and serotonin, two of the three neurotransmitters discussed with respect to ADD.

http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/add-and-memory

I could just have a bad memory. I don't know. I wish I could give Amy a word-for-word replay of the entire affair so she could know exactly what to heal from. Nothing could be worse for ME than the situation as it currently is.


I agree.
Today I have been 100% honest. I have done something admirable. I am feeling it and living it. Today I am working on being what Amy has asked of me - to be her best friend, to help her, and to be there if she wants or needs me, and nothing more. It's very difficult. But I'm doing it.

I'm home with my two oldest all week, so I'm being a good dad.

Tonight I'm going to my second meeting of my "Celebrate Recovery" group. Today is my 1 month anniversary of making the decision to stop living a double life.

I'd be screwed if ADD always implied a poor memory.

Now, I don't have the best memory in the world, but it's been good enough to overcome ADD and still get through college... or, for instance, I have only read SAA once, and most of the articles on this site once, but generally have them committed to memory, just not to the point that I can reference page numbers or exact articles off the cuff.

There are ways to work on your memory, there are ways to work on your ADD.

It's really all beside the point though, Schlag. As, I'm pretty sure you remembered you were married while you were off shagging other women.

So... I'd say that's pretty much end of that discussion, eh?

Yeah, but the problem is I don't have the memories from the affair - conversations, details. That's what Amy wants to heal from and I can't give them to her.

I think it's been suggested to you already... when you have a memory pop up, write it down.

Have Amy write down a list of questions she needs answered, and keep that in a notebook that you keep with you, and when you remember details pertinent to those questions, WRITE THEM DOWN.

Then, hold on to that until you have answered each and every question in the detail she requires. Once that is complete, sit down together and go over it.


AND DON'T LOSE THAT NOTEBOOK!

I don't have a problem remembering the memories when they pop up - I have a problem getting them to pop up. Her questions are the things that actually make them pop up. She asks me things and they jog memories and I tell her. She hasn't had any questions for about a week now. I still spend time trying to remember details but there's nothing else.

Her biggest question is whether I loved the other woman. I don't believe that I did. Wouldn't I remember loving someone? I remember all three women that I've loved romantically in my life. I would admit loving her if it was true. I just don't know if it was true. I don't think so.

EDIT: I've emailed Joyce about the radio show.

HoldherHand's advice here is sterling. Hang onto it. Keep one of those little molesking notebooks in your back pocket for when they pop up.


Schlag, I may be the only one here to do this, but I want to congratulate you on having one good day. It is a beginning. Work towards having two! I also want to commend you on following through on your EP for having yourself on camera while Amy is gone. That to is an admirable, open and honest action. Good for you for doing that. You are at the very beginning stages, but these are good things that you have done.


One suggestion. When you go to the bathroom, or are away from the camera (not sure how you have them set up. Make sure your phone is sitting in sight of the camera so Amy knows you are not doing something you shouldn't be with the phone.

CV

Thank you. I've had a lot of good days. and I plan to have a lot more.

Amy can see my phone records incoming/outgoing for voice and text. And I switched my droid to her and I have her brick phone now. No internet for this guy

Our only real issue is the work computer and I'm working on it. It's an excruciatingly slow process with the govt.

That too is a good step. It's a tightrope you're walking. As a 2x BH, I can relate to Amy's feelings very well.

Let me admonish you to focus less on the ADD problems and more on the recovery process and all the things you need to do with that. Eric, are you still struggling with anything? is there desire for contact, with OW or a new one or anything else?

CV

Your first defense against deceit is your conscience.

That's why the ADD and memory lapses don't add up to the magnitude of harm you've done to your marriage.

The truth of the matter is that your conscience has a voice. You had to stifle that voice that shouted at you at first. You strangled your conscience to near death. That is your first task - resurrect your conscience.

If you need to work with a minister, fine.

Once you allow your conscience to have a voice again, you WILL feel and remember EVERY little violation and the pain that goes with it. You will have to have the courage to face that pain because it was self-inflicted. You chose that pain. Amy did not choose it. So once you've reconnected with your conscience, part of the pain you will feel is the excruciating pain of remorse - from the violation of an innocent.

That is the pain we know you are not feeling - because you would not be talking about ADD. You would be focused on different things. I've seen that turning point.

You're not there yet.

Keep working at it.

Find your conscience and you will find your memory. Every single shameful detail. If you have the courage.