There is no time without a pending celebration.

Think about it

365 days a year and many are there around the calender.

Exactly.

I agree 100% and I think of my H the exact same way. He told me that he just wanted this to be over once and for all (I caused the false recovery and that was very cruel from my part) and divorce me, but the thing he didn't know that moment is that he really saved me. I was so deep in the crap and tired as he77 and he reached his helping hand. I remember that immediately after him doing the exposure all hell broke loose from OM and me, and I was calling my H just to be nasty towards him. I will never forget the feeling how the anger towards my H just vanished the moment I got him on the phone, it just vanished.

Whatever things your W will say after the exposure, it is just anger, and anger fades.
Someone who have enough balls to expose their spouse's affairs, is a hero. And that is a huge love bank deposit in the long run. It was for me.

We don't talk about it much anymore, but still talk too much about it (but that's a story for my other thread ha, ha)....but just the other day, after picking my W up from work (there was an 'incident'), she stated how GLAD she is OM is off the job, GLAD she is not involved in an affair any longer...shared how much she loves me, our 'new' marriage, and is blessed I have CHOSEN to remain in the marriage, becasue if not, she said "I really would not have any life at all".

We're not at this place without exposure.

G6,

Glad to see you're moving, even if it is just baby steps.

I encourage you to not wait. I think it is wise to do it now.

If WW goes ballistic and threatens to leave the Thanksgiving celebrations, then that's her choice. She'll be the one missing out. You, at that point, lead the family. Remember James Bond. Don't cry and whine to your kids. Be an example to them. Be the pillar of strength.

Let them pressure the WW and express their anger so long as it isn't out of line.

They'll make it very clear that OM will never be welcomed around them.

The fantasy will be shattered. Yes, there will be much anger directed at you for it.

Expect all kinds of crazy to come out of her mouth and for her to be frantic.

Just sit back, with calm, knowing that it is expected. The venom spewed is a script and I encourage you to read up on the reactions you can expect and the things you can expect to hear. It's universal gibberish.

Expose to the kid at home today.

Then .... move down your list one by one.
A tsunami of truth.

Affair killer.

Giraffe6,
I seldom post, mostly read. I know the Marriage Builders program works. I was the BS and was so afraid of her anger or "pushing her away". All she saw or heard was OM telling her the good stuff and painting a pretty picture without a problem in sight.
There was no real headway until she finally understood I could live a happy life without her and was not going to be her "friend" after a divorce.

If you ask family and friends for help and support you will not have to do this alone. Expect anger, if the OM is in the picture the anger is her feelings expressed that you are rocking her boat. Let her see the life she would be missing without you.

You are getting some of the site's best. Many of them were here 8yrs ago when I was Daniel.

Daniel,

Great post.

I, too, could probably summarize when I felt I was making real headway this way (and seconded by my W):

1. when she realized I would never be her 'friend' after divorce

2. that I fought for her and our family (exposure) by eliminating the threat to her/our mrriage/family

Thank you!

helpfordad,
I have followed your posts off and on and see where the tide turned.

Giraffe6 all these great people want to help you. Some of the fears we all had prolonged the recovery of our marriage and made us sick. My kids knew something was up and walked the tightrope around us and didn't know how to act or what to say. Not fair to them. They can't support you if they don't know what the problem is or think it is something they did wrong.
If you ask people for help because you love your wife, and want to recover your marriage, who can hold that against you? Most will want to help. They will only loose respect for your wife if she leaves you for other man and they know you tried to save marriage. Most people know how much effort goes into a marriage and want to see you succeed.
Leap of Faith time. All at once, Jump!

Daniel,

It's comforting to know a vet like yourself has been looking out for me....and sounds like your hopeful for my situation, which i appreciate!

helpfordad and Daniel,

Thanks for the support and for sharing your stories. Thanks to everyone. I am working on my strategy. It probably won't happen in the next couple of days just because I want to make sure I have everything set, and like I said I really want to tell my kids in person. I would like them all to call the OM, then go talk to Mom face to face. I'm sure she is going to be upset, I really don't know if it will be all anger or if she'll say she's sorry. That's what I'm hoping/praying for but I am guessing it will at least start out as anger based on what I am hearing on here. But that is from fear of her own and embarassment and shame.

Giraffe

I think you should expect anger of a kind you can't imagine. You need to expect it. She will likely say things that hurt you to your core. But it is to be expect. Just say something like, " I want to save our marriage, and it can't be saved when there is a secret affair going on."

She will have a choice to make. You can make choosing you as attractive as possible. But no pleading, begging, apologizing for exposure. Be strong, confident, and maybe even somewhat aloof and indifferent, anything but needy.

Once again, I will emphasize, you can't appease, reason, convince her by talking. All you have are your actions, they need to show strength, reason, and love. Love = leadership.

Expect anger like you've never seen.

Expect her to say things like:

"I was going to work on our marriage but you just ruined that!"

"We're divorcing for sure now!"

"How could you betray me like this?"

"You are just being vindictive!"
"I hate you!"
"You want the kids to hate me!"

"How could you do this to him?"


Plenty more. The responses are predictable and laughable. Your response is to emulate James Bond, not react to her anger, and simply say, "I will do what I need to to end your affair and save our marriage. Want a cookie? What do you want for dinner? Did you see how the Broncos are doing this year? Do you think the Packers will finish undefeated? Do you know anyone who likes Snapple?"

Or some variant thereof....

Hi G:

Listen to the people here exposure works very well. I divorced my wife but she sure would have loved it if you were her H instead of me.

She would have loved it if she could sleep with the OM and I would have kept her secret. Did nothing about it and just let her continue. But I don't roll that way. And like you my children were not super young.

My Ex denied everything and kept cheating. I threw her out and exposed to everyone. Told our kids about her and the OM and she was mad and told me out marriage was over. I told her I know our marriage is over I am going to Divorce you so you can go live with the OM.

The affair died that day for her. I had told her if she slept with another man I would divorce her and played hard ball with her. She changed almost right away and she tried for a long time to get me back.

Don't let your wife keep abusing you. Why should she stop doing what she is doing. You are keeping her secret for her and she has two men on her string.

Tell your kids. Tell her if she wants to remain with you she needs to get rid of Mr. Loser.

Now if you want to make sure you lose her then just keep letting her get close to Mr. Loser without her kids or anyone else putting pressure on her. Right now you are plan B if the OM does not work out. Her Affair has been going on a couple of years.

Please don't put up with crap like this. It is like watching a woman getting physically beaten and she keeps going back for more. You deserve better!

The most effective exposure target is OMW. And OM's family, parents kids and closest friends. Your wife has already shown some concern about whether you have told OMXW, who is also a friend of your WW, hint! - she is afraid of her!

HEre:

Why would you like your kids to talk to OM? Talk sense or remorse to him is the last thing you can do, because this man is an active wayward.

Expose this affair to your kids and OMXW immediately.

Kids talking to OM could have a big impact. I have no beef with that.

One of the big thorns in my dad's OW's side was the fact that all of us kids were so cold to her and my brother was flat out opnely hostile.

She'd answer the phone when he'd call and was usually greeted by, "B*tch! Don't answer the f***ing phone! I'm calling to talk to my dad and don't want to hear your f***ing voice!"

He'd then hang up and call right back.

This took its toll over time.

a couple of questions....

if she gets upset which it sounds like she will, but doesn't leave. What do I do?

If she is sorry and wants to stay, what is the plan to make sure there is NC?

If she leaves and just moves out or even moves in with OM.... what do I do? Do I wait it out, etc?

Thanks, just working on the plan and trying to think of possible reactions. I am expecting anger based on what I am hearing on here, but I could also see here breaking down after that and saying she wants to stay OR depending on how far in the fantasy she is and what the OM and her talk about after exposure, she might just leave.

Thanks!
G6

Nothing.


I will post an outline below.


Let her go, don't help her move and move your finances to a secure place.

She will probably get mad and make all sorts of threats. Just don't react. Don't fight, don't laugh [she will be really bizarro], don't apologize.

I would DEMAND that she end her affair with her OM and let her know this will go to divorce if all contact doesn't end. Ask her to send a no contact letter to the OM. It has to be approved by you and mailed by you. [It can be found in the book, Survivng an Affair]

Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. end all contact with the OM for life

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to a program of recovery that restores the romantic love in your marriage

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.