Itistoughlove,
I know you are right. I can't even get a break from the POSOM in my sleep! We are going to take this holiday weekend to figure out what need is not being fulfilled and how we can make more UA time. The lack of UA time is making us both "funky".

CT, focus on these top 4 ENs: affection, conversation, rec companionship and sexual fulfillment. In order for it have any effect at all, you need 20 to 25 hours per week. The best way to do this is to sit down and schedule this time out. Put aside less important things. You are less likely to put off time that is scheduled, and if it is not scheduled, it is too easy to put off for less important things.

Thank you, ML. I am feeling very uneasy lately. We HAVE to make more time. I can't stand feeling this way.

Bump.....

TexasTwoStep,
Thanks for "bumping" me. Just curious as to why you did though?
CT

CT,

It was late and I wanted to come back and follow this thread. I watch certain threads that are similar to mine to gain insight.

I admire you for coming to this site and seeking advice. My WW refuses to come here so far. I am working on that.

Can I ask how you knew OM? Forgive me if it is in the thread somewhere...

Texas,
I read your first few posts. I am sorry for what you are going through. It is good for me to have YOUR perspective as well. I can see the pain I have put my husband through.
My very first post on page one explains my situation. He, like your wife's OM, was someone from my past who I had dated a few times but never got serious with. Way for me to wait until I'm married and had kids to "try him out". Ugh........what was I thinking? I was desperate for attention. He's a mess and I wouldn't be with him regardless, so I hate that I still think about him.
CT

CT,

It's been almost 5 months and my WW still thinks of her OM. It is comforting, in some sick way, that you struggle with those thoughts as well.

I comend you for coming here, there are great people here who want to help.

Only the strong at heart are willing to try the impossible, and prove it wasn't.

Prayers formyou and your family.

Tex,
It's not sick in anyway to be comforted by that. It's normal. We WW's think our A's were "special" in some way. That's laughable.

Thank you for your support. Let me know if I can help in any other way. I have to read the rest of your story. I hope your wife will come around and start posting on MB. She'd gain a lot from it.
CT

Tex,
One more thing. Even though D-Day was in April, I really didn't start to recover until August. It's been three months since I last looked at POSOM's FB page. I know if I "check up" on him again, that it will send me and BH back to day 1 (not to mention BH said he'd leave me if I do it again).

Make sure your wife isn't "crooning" over the OM anymore (i.e. Looking at pics of them, reading old emails, etc. Have her get rid of everything!). I keep reminding myself that my POSOM is dead to me. I am more upset about losing his sister as a friend.
CT

CT,

I have taken extreme measures to make sure my WW isn't able to "croon" over his image. I wait formthe day her memory fades, and he becomes a distant memory.

I would suggest either deleting ( even though it never goes away ) your FB and starting a new joint one and blocking all contacts between him and your family. Have your BH do this. I blocked everyone who knew my WW's OM. This way your not accidentally exposed to a pic or story about him.

I used to avoid FB, now I am the FB gastopo. I check everyone's who is in my house. I spend at least an hour a day making sure all blocks are in place and that all messages are clean. It's a cyber way of checking to make sure the "doors" are locked.

Keep posting, and you will see long lasting changes in your marriage.

POSOM, his sister, and his any common friends of ours are blocked on FB. My BH checks up on POSOM to make sure he isn't posting anything about me on his FB page. I don't go on FB very much.

My BH is also monitoring my computer use so I don't get temped to look. He really means it when he says he'll leave me if I check up on POSOM, so I'm too scared to take the risk. What's the point anyway? Like I said, I wouldn't be with him regardless. If my BH left me tomorrow, I would not contact POSOM.

It's really messed up how WW's imaginations run wild. I'm trying to be very disciplined in my thinking.

Thank you for always responding!
CT

CT,

If I ever get my WW to this place, I would love for you to be a contact for her.

Tell your husband I'm pulling for you guys!!!

Keep the positive attitude.

TX,
Just let me know if she joins. Mrs. W has helped me a lot (along with all the veterans.....especially Melody Lane). I would like to return the favor.

My husband goes by "Charpy Test" on here. He told me he hasn't posted in a really long time. Maybe you could ask him how he's doing? I am not allowed to read his posts.
CT

I have a ? for everyone regarding triggers. Last night BH and I were discussing what to do when I get triggered. I don't want to hide anything from him but, at the same time, it hurts him to no end. So, what do we do?

CT,

both of you need to remember this isn't something that will just happen. It is a war of discipline. He now has to discipline his own mind to keep from replaying the movies, the histories, etc... You need to discipline yourself in the art of redirecting your thoughts away from OM, the idea of an affair, etc...

even being open and hones in a way that doesn't DJ your spouse is a matter of discipline.

I don't know if this helps, but you can do it.

CV

Thanks, CV. I"m working so hard to make the right choices from this point on. I'm reading a book on grieving. I honestly think I need to grieve the loss of my life as I knew it. This will help me "move on". The book has steps on "completing" lost relationships on your own so no one else gets hurt in the process.

comedytragedy,
First of all you have to rid yourself of the OM and any thoughts of your relationship with him, it is over and has to be left in the past if you want your marriage to work........he can sense you haven't gotten to that spot yet.....it hurts him to watch his wife think of someone else......very painful for him.
It all takes time, time will lessen the triggers and making your husband feel safe in the relationship is key......he doesn't trust it yet, you have to make him feel he is it for you......
He will be able to sense when you aren't a 100% connected, he will probably be feeling he can't be what you need, there is a lot of self doubt for a BS, we think somehow we weren't able to measure up........
You have to make sure you have remorse not just regret, you have to show humility. and you have to be honest and transparent......
You have to only think of today and tomorrow and only of each other and what you can do for the other to make each day safe and happy........
don't think about anything else.......
try not to talk about the affair or the OM again........
let it go, only talk about now and tomorrow and how happy your future together can be.

Thank you, JT.

Is there anything your WH did that really reassured you that he was committed to making your marriage work?

You know what he said all the time that resonated with me, he used to say I am still here and I am not going anywhere, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life making things up to me and making me happy,
If I was happy he was happy, he wanted to make me laugh and smile again.
That he would never bail on me again. that he would take whatever he had to endure that he knew my pain was caused by him and that he would never hurt me again............
over and over again........and that he loved me and that he made a huge mistake.....he wants us to renew our vows because he broke the bond.....you have to make your husband know there is no reason you will ever hurt him again.........until he believes it