Since my wife's affair, we have been applying the MB concepts, and my wife has done ALL that I could ever have asked of her. In ALL things , she has worked soooo hard to rebuild trust and affair-proof our marriage , but it isn't enough. I have filed for divorce and we have seperated. I simply can't get over the affair, and I have tried as hard as any man could, and with all of the good will I am capable of. It's quite simply that I do not love my wife, like I used to. The affair has changed the way I think of her and it's almost like my old wife died and a new, less honest one has replaced her. I am so sad about it, but I can't help the way I feel. I love her, but I'm not in love with her, ( I never thought I would say something so corny) and I find myself looking at other women, wondering if I should try again with one of them. I have had several offers, since the affair, by some very beautiful and good women, and it makes me feel better knowing that I'm still attractive and wanted. I want to thank ALL of the posters , who have helped me immensely, but I can't get over it, no matter how hard I try.

MM, I am so sorry to hear this. Of course you have every right to divorce your wife. If you feel that your life will be better please do so. I wish you the best.

I am so sorry, mirrormirror. I know that you tried and no one could fault you for making this decision.

Yes, you have every right if you cannot overcome the betrayal.

I am a bit concerned about these women making offers though. They know you are married and they do that?

I would steer well clear. And I would NOT be flattered.

To clarify, most of these offers weren't for sex, some were, but most were offers of food, companionship, and compassion. This has been an agonizing decision to make, and my wife is devestated, but understanding.

Mirror: I, too, felt that I couldn't live with my husband's betrayal, and I had to work EXTREMELY hard to start to let go of those feelings. And then I had to work EXTREMELY hard to learn to love him again.

Yes, you have the get out of jail free card. But remember, MB says it takes up to two years to get to a point of healing. I know it took me at least five to stop the pain. It's been a year, and I still get rocked on occasion.

But I know my marriage, ultimately, is worth it. And all this work we've done, too.

Think of your life 20 years from now. Can you really not see a future with your wife? Especially with her being so repentant and having done such great work?

Just wishing you had a different result. But, obviously, it's your call.

Cheers,
SP

It is sooo***EDIT*** sad. When we talked about separating, she told me that she is completely in love with me, moreso than even when we married. But we seem to be on different pages. I am doubting my love for her, and she is in love, ***EDIT***? Why can't it be different? I feel like I need a change of scenery, so I'm thinking about doing some contract work in Spain for a couple of years. She has stated that she will wait for me, for however long it takes, and has even suggested that we stay married but that I will have a 'free pass', to do whatever I want while in Europe, but I will not be a cheater, so it's best that we divorce. It is possible that when I get there, and have lived by myself for a few months, that I will be able to regain my feelings for her again, if so , we can remarry, if not, then we move on.

Yes, but you got the message loud and clear that you were 'desired and wanted'

Be careful is all Im saying.

You have no timeline on the bottom of your post.
I assume your dday was August 2011.
And to walk in on WW on OM is worse then finding out other ways.

What I do know is that part of Aug then Sept Oct Nov and part of Dec is about four months for recovery. Many a BS is advised that it's best to wait 6 month's before making any life changing decisions. That recovery is a two to five year process.

Many BH's go through an anger phase at six months out from dday. This period lasts for six months.

Your disconnect from your WW is that you are entering this anger phase and that "I have had several offers, since the affair, by some very beautiful and good women"

This shows that you have not been 100% into recovery. Recovery needs 100% on your end to work.

And as to an example of how clear and level headed and rational your thinking currently is think about this.

You call women "good" that want a married man, that have made offers to a man not available.



Important questions, please answer:


You walked into your home and found OM and WW going at it.

Have you sold the house and moved?

The triggers every day that you come home walking up the steps, and wonder what you may see once you step in side.

WW still works for the same company, why have another trigger?
OM even though at another location has still tried to use co. connections to break NC. More triggers.

I see not enough time to heal, and everyday you walk into the scene of the crime instead of moving far away from the triggers in your home and WW's job.

No one is going to recover when living in Trigger City.

Living apart may be the best thing for you as a single guy. But it would NOT be for a recovering Marriage Builders husband. The Road's post is very wise. ...

I read this after my last post.

Saying: the way to a mans heart is through his stomach.

These women are smart and just baiting the hook. And you can't think clear enough to see this.

Sorry to hear that things didn't work out for you.

How often are you going to be able to see your kids if you're overseas?

Another good point how can you father when an ocean is between you and the COM.

MM, I'm sorry for your loss. I know how hard you tried.

Heal. Be well.

MM, sorry that it did not work out for you. You are absolutely entitled to this decision. I went back and reread your thread, it seemed you were recovering well and you are VERY early into the process. I too felt like throwing in the towel when recovery was smooth, my anger had set in. (listen to MB radio today for reference to my story) just want to let you know you have support either way but you may change your mind TIME is the biggest healer. Also, be very wary of these other women.

Be very careful MM - a good woman would never date a man still married.

They are doing it with you, so they will do it to you. You will be in this identical situation again if you go after any of these woman.

As I said on your other thread, you seem to act and react very quickly, your emotional state seems to be very volatile. Your wife cheats, and one week later everything is hunky-dory which, of course, is impossible, and you are on your way to the best marriage in the entire world. I'm not very surprised to see this post by you, but I don't think that it's over yet.

You sound like someone that wants to have a revenge affair,it hurt your pride to know your wife screwed another guy and perhaps you questioned yourself and your attractiveness, why would she cheat on you unless you weren't doing it for her anymore, right? So now you find that women come on to you and you feel reassured, but why? There was never anything wrong with you or your attractiveness to a woman, that was not the reason your wife cheated. You want to feel like a woman is attracted to you because you are a desirable guy, not because she is frantic that her husband is going to leave, which leaves you wondering does your wife want to be with you or just want to not lose her means of support or be alone?

But since you don't want to be painted with the same brush as your wife, your only option seems to be divorce, otherwise you would be a cheater also, yes? Do you REALLY want to go the route you're going? Divorce because some women have validated your sense of manliness or self-worth? I can understand perfectly if you would have just said that you couldn't get past her cheating, but then you start that crap about the other women. You want to get divorced? Do it for the right reasons, do it because you can't forgive and forget, which I can understand - read what I recently wrote on oldMittens thread. you don't get divorced because you feel you can feel better because women still want you. You are NOWHERE NEAR ready to have any relationship with another woman, unless of course you just want to use another human being to shore up your sense of self worth.

Do you understand what I am saying here? You're damaged goods, any woman with a lick of sense is going to run for cover. Except those who have an agenda and see an easy mark.

Mirrormirror, you are coming up on what, two months, three months, post D-day? BHs generally cruise in and out of being pissed off for one to two years, you got some reason why you are in such a hurry? Go back and read your thread and then take a good hard look at yourself. You still want to divorce after that, well mazeltov, neither I or anyone else will fault you. i think that you are emotionally volatile and more than a little impulsive, perhaps you ought to drop out of warp speed and really think about what is really right for you in your short and long term future.

As a BS who is also separated, I couldnt agree more. The vultures in my case (and they are vultures, these women, MM) were offering to help me with DIY/further exposure of my WH yadayadayada.

Most men know what it means when guys go after a betrayed, possibly hurt and angry woman. They arent offering her a compliment, if you know what I mean.

And believe me, women dont offer tea and sympathy to a recently betrayed man without it being a very similar move.


Betrayed spouses are very vulnerable and subject to revenge affairs. Its unlikely you will be in any shape to be around women for some time.


If you want my two cents worth (and I assume that is why you are here) your recovery isnt impossible - its more that it has hit a snag.

What road says about you living in trigger city is very likely true - if you need a 'change of scenery' are you sure your wife doesnt fit into that new scenery? One without triggers?

How much of this decision is based on a desire to check out the 'good women' who have been crosing your path? The decision to divorce shouldnt be based on these ladies.

Are you sure you wont feel differently and miss your wife in a few weeks? The marriage wont be any easier to recover after you have had a revenge affair.

If you are certain about divorce, then great.
But the vulture women and the talk of remarrying your wife after a separation doesnt make it sound like you are at all.

MM,

It is certainly your right to divorce. I'm sorry things didn't work out for you. May I be the list jerk tonight, and ask?

Have you taken any of these women up on their offers already?

I only ask because you mention that you are enjoying it and have given the tried and true "I love her but not in love with her".

CV