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Originally Posted by Hyacinth
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I would instruct your attorney to file for divorce, get emergency support and child visitation in place. GEt that in place and then DRAG OUT the divorce so you don't have to negotiate a settlement.
Three things. One, right now I still do not want a divorce and am not emotionally or mentally prepared to file for one. I'm just being honest. Second, the only way for me to draw it out is to contest it if he files. If I file, all he has to do is sign and that's all she wrote. Third, if I file I will have to forfeit some things I want and need in settlement but can only ask for if I claim I do not want the divorce. Hard to claim that if I filed. My attorney has advised me that given my circumstances, I am benefited by not filing and dragging out the actual divorce (meaning the actual decree) as long as possible.

How is this to your benefit if your H refuses to support you? What am I missing here? crazy


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
That will be the FIRST TIME in my 10 years on this board that a husband was allowed to abandon his family and just stop paying the bills. I would be amazed if this is the case. Is your attorney not willing to do ANYTHING?
But he's not technically abandoning and not paying. He's paying support. What I'm trying to explain is that it's not enough to keep this house and property afloat. And in this state, if I have sole use of the house, I am expected to pay for it. That's what the support is for. Once I sell this albatross, I'll be fine. I won't buy something this big or expensive or impossible to maintain or costly to maintain.


Me (BW, 40), WH (42)
Married 18 yrs (together 24)
2 sons: 3 and 5

PA OW#1: 11/10/10 - 11/12/10 on business trip
Became EA: 11/13/11 (OW#1 2,000 miles away)
D-Day: 11/18/10
Confronted: 11/20/10
Kicked him out: 12/15/10
Plan A: 01/08/11
PA OW#2 started: 04/02/11
D-DAY OW#2: 04/11/11
Plan B: 04/11/11

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
You need to get legal protection to force your H to pay his support apparently.
He's paying support. It's just the crappy minimum the state will force him to pay. (I could negotiate for more, if I was negotiating, but I haven't negotiated anything yet.)


Me (BW, 40), WH (42)
Married 18 yrs (together 24)
2 sons: 3 and 5

PA OW#1: 11/10/10 - 11/12/10 on business trip
Became EA: 11/13/11 (OW#1 2,000 miles away)
D-Day: 11/18/10
Confronted: 11/20/10
Kicked him out: 12/15/10
Plan A: 01/08/11
PA OW#2 started: 04/02/11
D-DAY OW#2: 04/11/11
Plan B: 04/11/11

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Originally Posted by Hyacinth
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
That will be the FIRST TIME in my 10 years on this board that a husband was allowed to abandon his family and just stop paying the bills. I would be amazed if this is the case. Is your attorney not willing to do ANYTHING?
But he's not technically abandoning and not paying. He's paying support. What I'm trying to explain is that it's not enough to keep this house and property afloat. And in this state, if I have sole use of the house, I am expected to pay for it. That's what the support is for. Once I sell this albatross, I'll be fine. I won't buy something this big or expensive or impossible to maintain or costly to maintain.

Yes, he did abandon his family and he is not paying the bills. My point is that he can't walk away from his financial obligations as a husband and your attorney CAN try to force him to pay. This is a very common, routine move when one goes into Plan B.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
How is this to your benefit if your H refuses to support you? What am I missing here? crazy
Like I said, he's paying the base support that the state calculated and makes him pay. I don't understand. This is state law. That's why so many wives end up declaring bankruptcy within the first two years after divorce.

You don't have to be divorced or have even filed to get support. And he's paying support already.

I do feel like there's something I'm missing. I haven't just talked to one lawyer, I've consulted three very different lawyers. This is the bottom line. The state uses a calculator to determine minimum support, the statutory amount. Anything over that is negotiable. There haven't been any negotiations yet. I don't know what to ask for or what to do to start.


Me (BW, 40), WH (42)
Married 18 yrs (together 24)
2 sons: 3 and 5

PA OW#1: 11/10/10 - 11/12/10 on business trip
Became EA: 11/13/11 (OW#1 2,000 miles away)
D-Day: 11/18/10
Confronted: 11/20/10
Kicked him out: 12/15/10
Plan A: 01/08/11
PA OW#2 started: 04/02/11
D-DAY OW#2: 04/11/11
Plan B: 04/11/11

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One example as to why I'm not filing (yet): When we get divorced, I will lose the health insurance I get through him. I will have to pay THOUSANDS for my own coverage through my job, that I never have had to pay, since we both started working. If he files, I can make a claim for him to pay for my insurance. If I file, it will be my "choice" and harder to make a claim for him to pay for the things I'm losing.


Me (BW, 40), WH (42)
Married 18 yrs (together 24)
2 sons: 3 and 5

PA OW#1: 11/10/10 - 11/12/10 on business trip
Became EA: 11/13/11 (OW#1 2,000 miles away)
D-Day: 11/18/10
Confronted: 11/20/10
Kicked him out: 12/15/10
Plan A: 01/08/11
PA OW#2 started: 04/02/11
D-DAY OW#2: 04/11/11
Plan B: 04/11/11

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Yes, he did abandon his family and he is not paying the bills. My point is that he can't walk away from his financial obligations as a husband and your attorney CAN try to force him to pay. This is a very common, routine move when one goes into Plan B.
Hey, I agree with you, even though I'm asking lots of questions. smile

I have to send an email to my lawyer with my "concerns and desires." I don't even know where to start. He did tell me this is all going to be legal wrangling, so he has to be clear on what I want when he starts to negotiate. I'm so worried I won't ask for the right things or worry about the right details.


Me (BW, 40), WH (42)
Married 18 yrs (together 24)
2 sons: 3 and 5

PA OW#1: 11/10/10 - 11/12/10 on business trip
Became EA: 11/13/11 (OW#1 2,000 miles away)
D-Day: 11/18/10
Confronted: 11/20/10
Kicked him out: 12/15/10
Plan A: 01/08/11
PA OW#2 started: 04/02/11
D-DAY OW#2: 04/11/11
Plan B: 04/11/11

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Let me put it another way, and this will be my last post, because I am not going to sit here and argue with you about it. I have seen this done hundreds of times here over the years.

A good attorney can and will negotiate a favorable temporary settlement for you. A good attorney can and will get a temporary order in place and then DRAAAG out the divorce for months and years on end. It is simply a matter of you telling her what you expect and telling her to go and get that. If you don't tell her/him what you expect, they will give you the VERY LEAST because it is the easiest. I don't know of anyone who settles for the state calculated minimum, as an example.

You are not divorced, and you have not been through settlement, so your H has not been ordered to pay a calculated minimum. Your attorney is perfectly free to negotiate anything on your behalf. But I can see that I am wasting my time posting to you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Let me put it another way, and this will be my last post, because I am not going to sit here and argue with you about it. This is ridiculous. I have seen this done hundreds of times here over the years.

A good attorney can and will negotiate a favorable temporary settlement for you. A good attorney can and will get a temporary order in place and then DRAAAG out the divorce for months and years on end. It is simply a matter of you telling her what you expect and telling her to go and get that. If you don't tell her/him what you expect, they will give you the VERY LEAST because it is the easiest. I don't know of anyone who settles for the state calculated minimum, as an example.

You are not divorced, and you have not been through settlement, so your H has not been ordered to pay a calculated minimum. Your attorney is perfectly free to negotiate anything on your behalf. But I can see that I am wasting my time posting to you.
This is what I'm saying! I agree. I just don't even know where to start, what to even ask for. Should I calculate the differences in our incomes (69% to 31%) and just expect him to pay his proportion? Or should I ask for a lot more than that? Or will asking for basically everything make me seem unreasonable?

I agree that no one should or has to settle for the state minimum. There's no way I am going to because HELLO? WHOSE CHILDREN DESERVE THE MINIMUM?! I want him to say that to their face.

I'm just stressing at the idea of determining what to ask for, where to start.

Also, thanks for being tough. I know I regularly drive you crazy. I apologize. That's how I learn, by asking a lot of questions, setting up the worst case scenario and playing Devil's advocate. It helps me understand. (In politics it's called "opposition-prep" where you try to think like your opponent.) This was helpful.


Me (BW, 40), WH (42)
Married 18 yrs (together 24)
2 sons: 3 and 5

PA OW#1: 11/10/10 - 11/12/10 on business trip
Became EA: 11/13/11 (OW#1 2,000 miles away)
D-Day: 11/18/10
Confronted: 11/20/10
Kicked him out: 12/15/10
Plan A: 01/08/11
PA OW#2 started: 04/02/11
D-DAY OW#2: 04/11/11
Plan B: 04/11/11

Joined: Apr 2001
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Originally Posted by Hyacinth
Also, thanks for being tough. I know I regularly drive you crazy. I apologize. That's how I learn, by asking a lot of questions, setting up the worst case scenario and playing Devil's advocate. It helps me understand. (In politics it's called "opposition-prep" where you try to think like your opponent.) This was helpful.

I am not interested in "opposition prep" and will step away. You weren't asking questions, you were arguing. And have argued me right off this thread.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Sorry, that wasn't my intention. I really was just trying to understand.


Me (BW, 40), WH (42)
Married 18 yrs (together 24)
2 sons: 3 and 5

PA OW#1: 11/10/10 - 11/12/10 on business trip
Became EA: 11/13/11 (OW#1 2,000 miles away)
D-Day: 11/18/10
Confronted: 11/20/10
Kicked him out: 12/15/10
Plan A: 01/08/11
PA OW#2 started: 04/02/11
D-DAY OW#2: 04/11/11
Plan B: 04/11/11

Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 254
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I am not interested in "opposition prep" and will step away. You weren't asking questions, you were arguing. And have argued me right off this thread.
And thanks again, anyway, because what you said did help.


Me (BW, 40), WH (42)
Married 18 yrs (together 24)
2 sons: 3 and 5

PA OW#1: 11/10/10 - 11/12/10 on business trip
Became EA: 11/13/11 (OW#1 2,000 miles away)
D-Day: 11/18/10
Confronted: 11/20/10
Kicked him out: 12/15/10
Plan A: 01/08/11
PA OW#2 started: 04/02/11
D-DAY OW#2: 04/11/11
Plan B: 04/11/11

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never mind.

Last edited by MelodyLane; 07/18/11 11:17 PM.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Hyacinth
There haven't been any negotiations yet. I don't know what to ask for or what to do to start.

Figure out what you and the kids need to maintain the house/lifestyle and tell your lawyer that's what you want. Screw that minimum or statutory amount, I wouldn't even discuss that amount as a possibility it if it's unrealistic. I certainly would tell your lawyer NOT to use that amount as a starting point.

Don't start low, in other words.



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Not much to add in the way of legal stuff, since I haven't had to deal with that myself. What I did want to mention to you is your mindset. You keep saying, "We" when talking about the finances. Understand this, there isn't any "We" anymore. YOU. YOUR CHILDREN. THAT is who you are worried about. Right now, your WH is a source of income. He has no concern for you or your children. He is paying the minimum, because that's what he can get away with, you need to fix that. How do you do that? Ask your lawyer for ADVICE. Isn't that what you are paying him/her for anyways?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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Originally Posted by Hyacinth
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
How is this to your benefit if your H refuses to support you? What am I missing here? crazy
Like I said, he's paying the base support that the state calculated and makes him pay. I don't understand. This is state law. That's why so many wives end up declaring bankruptcy within the first two years after divorce.

You don't have to be divorced or have even filed to get support. And he's paying support already.

I do feel like there's something I'm missing. I haven't just talked to one lawyer, I've consulted three very different lawyers. This is the bottom line. The state uses a calculator to determine minimum support, the statutory amount. Anything over that is negotiable. There haven't been any negotiations yet. I don't know what to ask for or what to do to start.

My advice is to file a legal separation and get what you can there. You might get more, especially if he makes a decent amount and you and the kids need more.

I don't know how low the amount of income is that you are getting but you might apply for WIC and food stamps. Its not glorious but it has been a blessing for me and my kids.... it changes the whole budget to have food paid for.


Married 1/2000.
D-Day 3/7/11. WH moved in with OW and they married in 2013.
Single mom of 4.

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It changes the menu, too. smile


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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It is very nice that I don't have to be cheap about food. We can't afford to do anything else yet(roll eyes) but we can have good food.


Married 1/2000.
D-Day 3/7/11. WH moved in with OW and they married in 2013.
Single mom of 4.

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How are you? Do you have an update? How is Plan B?

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