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#2554400 10/18/11 04:55 AM
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lawdog Offline OP
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I am 10 months into a 1 year deployment to Afghanistan and 3 weeks ago my wife said that she couldn't take it anymore and told me she was going home and not coming back. I was upset and angry at her for telling me that and I lashed out at her because I was upset that there would be would be no one at home when I returned. This is our 4th deployment together in the 5 years that we have been married. We have 2 children. After taking a step back and putting myself in her shoes I don't blame her for going home. She has never done well while I am away and I fear that 1 year was too long. I also have changed throughout the deployments. I am more irritable and less patient than I used to be. I have spouts where I lash out at her and the kids. I don't mean to, it just happens. I regret going off and I apologize afterwards, but it still happened. We have tried counseling but we never seem to finish because I get deployed again. This will be my last deployment, as I am getting out 18 months after I get back in January. I am just so hurt right now because she won't talk to me and she has not told me what her intentions are. I have accepted that she will not be there when I get home or anytime after that. I think it would best so I can get the help I need. I just want to be able to talk to her. This is the longest we have gone without speaking to each other. We have emailed a bit, but she has been real short with me, where as I will send her a massive email telling her what I am going through and that I am getting help, but all I get is a redirected response about something else. I also fear that she is being influenced by her mother. She said people don't change, but I beg to differ. I love my wife, I have always been faithful to her. I just want to get the help I need and us be together. I am looking forward to getting out of the Marine Corps after 13 years so I can begin the next chapter of our life at home.

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I would suggest moving this to the surviving an affair forum. There is a very good chance your wife is in an affair.

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You will get brilliant service over there on how to combat this while you are deployed.

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lawdog Offline OP
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No I am positive she is not having an affair. I had a long discussion with my Mother about what is going on and she told me that she just needs her space right now. Give it time and things will change.

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Are you a verbal abuser? What do you mean when you say you "lash out"? Have you always done this?


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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lawdog Offline OP
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Yes I was a verbal abuser or as she would call me an emotional abuser. I would say alot of things without thinking them through. For example, I went off on her about the condition of the house when I came home on r&r in August. I didn't go aff right away but after about a week of being at home I finally said something. I really dont scream and yell at her but I would talk negatively. I was irritated because she is a stay at home mom and nothing gets done all day. I know these are little things and I shouldnt really be too concerned about them but it bothered me.

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Lawdog, so sorry you are here. The problem in your marriage is that you don't live together and have grown completely detached. When will you be getting out of the military?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: lawdog
Yes I was a verbal abuser or as she would call me an emotional abuser. I would say alot of things without thinking them through. For example, I went off on her about the condition of the house when I came home on r&r in August. I didn't go aff right away but after about a week of being at home I finally said something. I really dont scream and yell at her but I would talk negatively. I was irritated because she is a stay at home mom and nothing gets done all day. I know these are little things and I shouldnt really be too concerned about them but it bothered me.


Ld, that is a good thing that you said something. The problem is not that you said something but that she is not too concerned about your feelings at this point. A complaint is an opportunity for improvement in a good marriage and an irritation in a bad marriage.

When you get out, my suggestion would be to move where she is and do your best to woo her back. You have an advantage over anyone else because you have history with her and are the father of her children.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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P.s. Giving her space will add to the problem since the basic problem is detachment. I would stay in touch with her as much as possible without being obnoxious. And when you do contact her, be as pleasant as possible.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Lawdog,

You have deployed alot. Did you always have verbal outbursts or are they new? Do you have PTSD?

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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lawdog Offline OP
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I dont get out until September of 2013. I have tried to contact her and she wont answer my calls. When I email her I either dont get a response or I get a real short response that is completely off subject from what I emailed her about. For Example, I sent her an email yesterday to find out what she was doing about our son's birthday (which is next week) and when would be a good time to call and talk to the kids...No Responce. I have been pleasant. I usually just ask how she and the kids are doing, maybe give a little update on whats going on out here. I don't bring up anything that will cause a conflict. I just don't understand her right now. I also fear that her mother, who is on her third marriage; is influencing her. She has told her that people don't change. She has no idea what I have seen or been through. Her father is very supportive of me and tells me to hang in there.

As far as the verbal outbursts, tt all started after I came back from Iraq in 2007. Sure we had disagreements but nothing like after our first deployment. We have tried counseling but I always seem to get deployed or other work stuff comes up and interupts it. I was told that I have PTSD and I seeking treatment for it when I return home in January.

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Hey lawdog -

Sorry to hear what you're going through. It's tough to resolve major marriage issues while you're deployed, and I'm praying you & your wife can stay connected enough to get the help you need both before and after you get home.

It's good you're leaning on your father-in-law - are there other mature men you can count on to support you and your marriage right now? Are there tangible ways you can express love, affirmation, and support to your wife and kids on a regular basis? Are there things you can be doing NOW to set up individual/marriage counseling for after you get back? Being proactive and laying some groundwork ahead of time might show your wife how serious you are about doing what it takes to get your marriage back on track.

**edit**

God bless you, friend. Let us know how things are going!

dawgfan

Last edited by Fireproof; 11/15/11 01:02 PM. Reason: TOS removing non-MB material and links
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lawdog Offline OP
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Well just thought I would throw an update on here. It's official she doesn't want it to make it work so I am going to file for divorce. All she wants to do is hold on to the benefits and not live with me. This I cannot do. I will support my son and do what's right for him. I just can't stay married to her just to use me like that.

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I am so sorry, lawdog. frown If you want to get more help with your divorce, there is a divorce forum where you will get lots of support.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101



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