You are looking for relief that is normal........
Taking care of you is good, a rest is good...........

Just a short update...

WW and I are now at least talking more than one or two words at a time. She spent the weekend working on her new apartment. She doesn't even have keys yet but she is over there refinishing the wood floors??? I have been trying to keep things light the last week or so. WW is very edgy now that her move out day is less than a week away. She has lost about 5% of her body weight in the last 3-4 weeks with all that is going on.

I spoke with my FIL on Saturday over the phone and was able to clear things up between the two of us. He reacted to the news about the VAR a week ago as a typical father might when his daughter calls him in hysterics. He understands my situation and the position WW has put me in. I am taking some relief in the knowledge that he sill supports my side of things.

WW has brought up things like giving me her key to the house once she moves out and the idea of legal papers. I have just kind of let those types of comments slide without turning them into a major discussion.

I had a good weekend spending time with the kids. I finally came to the realization that I don't need to stress myself out worrying that I need to take on a new role as Mr. Mom once WW leaves. I am the dad and will do the dad things. Sure, I will also be doing more of the cooking and cleaning than I had been but I don't need to worry about knitting winter hats for the kids or making sage butter for them.

She doesn't feel she has to give you back her key to the house????


Fine...if you can have a key to her apartment. Her choice...no argument necessary.


(If you get any opportunity to take her keys to her apartment and make yourself a copy that may be nice to have. There may come a day she's out of town where you can search the place if need be. Of course, you'd just be stopping by to water the plants. No biggie if you can't get a copy but having options is nice.)

Mr. W

Mr. W,

I guess I was looking at the whole key to the house issue a little differently. I realize WW is moving out but since we are still married, isn't the house we are presently living in still her home and therefore shouldn't she keep a key to it? I want her to feel connected to the family and to our home. I figured by her turning in her key she was severing yet another tie. I am still in plan A right now. Am I looking at this wrong?

WW starts her IC tomorrow. I am curious whether that will have any affect on our situation or on WW's general mood and outlook.

The IC will help her feel better about her affair and her abandonment of your family. The goal is not to behave better, but to lower the bar to accommodate any bad behavior. One way to do this is to learn to "compartmentalize" and drown your conscience with propoganda. It can work if supplemented with alcohol or drugs.

She's made the decision to begin a new home for herself. It would be cruel to you to allow her unfettered access to her 'old' home any time she wants a taste of her 'old' life.

Let her know that she can make arrangements with you if she needs to come by for any reason. That way you can control who's coming and going from your home.

Don't tell her upfront or she'll get a copy of the key made. Have her hand it over when she's all done moving her stuff and is making her last grand exit.

The IC will help her feel better about her affair and her abandonment of your family. The goal is not to behave better, but to lower the bar to accommodate any bad behavior. One way to do this is to learn to "compartmentalize" and drown your conscience with propoganda. It can work if supplemented with alcohol or drugs.

C'mon, Mel - don't hold back! Tell us how you REALLY feel!

SS, the average "counsellor" has one salient thought in mind when conducting sessions: The viability of his business depends on getting the current client happy enough with the service that she recommend it to others! Given that dynamic, how likely would it be that a counsellor would truthfully inform a client that she was acting like a self-indulgent, rutting sow? So, every and any impulse or cockeyed imagining such a client would raise at a session would instead be provided validation by the counsellor, assuaging the client ("I'm not a slut, the counsellor said I just had unfulfilled needs!"), and giving her the warm-and-fuzzies which produce the necessary recommendations to acquaintances.

Sure...as long as you get a key to her place too. Once she's gone you want her to depend on this new life to meet her needs exclusively. You'll eventually be moving to Plan B and getting this key now is the only way to insure she doens't make a copy of it before you get it. She's needs to hit rock bottom and missing home/longing for home and not being able to do anything about it (no key) will hopefully help her along to rock bottom faster.

As far as counseling. Soothsayers. I can hear the Turtle- babble now "oh you poor neglected wife, I commend you for your courage and stepping up in this situation. The affair was healthy. Everybody is right all the time. Wrongness is merely a state of mind that I can help you deny, defend and overcome. His upset towards you is mastertalk and thus, wrong and very controlling. I'd love to meet your soon to be ex-husband and teach him a thing or two as he is the enemy of your happiness. By the way, ever date a shrink?"

Hope she's not seeing a male. You MAY have a shot if she's seeing a female Christian counselor.

Mr. Wondering

Agree..

There's also the dynamic that waywards either lie about or have very selective hearing with regards to their counseling sessions. Many a betrayed spouse has been on the receiving end of judgements and castigations supposedly from counselors they've never even met. Unfortunately, the betrayed spouse fog doesn't immediately allow them to see through this enough to ask questions and try to nail down exactly what was said but I guarantee you...most counselors don't rip on the spouse that's not in the room and they've never met.

My best guess...the wayward said it and the shrink just nodded their head indicating they HEARD what was said...not that they agreed with it.

Mr. W

We should be counselors, Neverguessed!

We should be counselors, Neverguessed!

Do not kid yourself, dear friend. You ARE. I am almost there. (Gotta work to moderate my periodic "peckishness"!)

<snort>

Peckishness is my middle name!!

I think a little peckishness would go a long way toward changing counselors for the better.

Well, "peckishness" by a certain male poster here is predestined for

....................??

...madness? great things? the White House?

Well, "peckishness" by a certain male poster here is predestined for.....

...oblivion, sent into the great void, once again!

I hope you weren't referring to me...

So, WW is moving the last of her stuff into a van on Saturday. I am going back and forth whether I should be present or not and whether the kids should witness her leaving or not. I don't want to traumatize the children but I also think it would make things more uncomfortable for WW if she saw myself standing there with the 2 kids with confused looks on their faces while she loaded the van. The kids are no doubt to have all kinds of questions.

I was also thinking of writing her a note letting her know that I understand that she is a grown woman who is free to make her own decisions but I don't agree with what she is doing or how she is handling things. I was also going to add how I hoped that she finds what she is looking for on her journey and that I have hope that she will decide to take my hand and begin a new life with me should she ever get to that point. I will clean it up of course but you get the idea.