I don't know where to begin... I have been with my husband for over 12 yrs. We have both been married before. He has a son from his previous marriage. We went thru four yrs of fertility treatments to have our daughter, who is now 2. We rarely ever argued, everything seemed great. All our family and friends thought we were the perfect family.

When our daughter was 8 months old my husband told me he didn't think he wanted to be married anymore. I was so shocked and heart broken. He was adament that he was not seeing anyone. He said he did not feel like he had his own identity anymore, and he wanted to be own his own. Even though every one thought my husband was the perfect man and would not cheat I started digging. I found a cell number that I didn't reconize and confronted him about it. Of coarse he denied anything. So I looked the number up and It belonged to one of his coworkers.

At this point he did confess to having an (emotional affair). He has also stayed out till the wee hours of the morning twice. We were going to counciling during this time both seperate and together. He wasn't even being totally honest to the counselor. So just a few weeks ago I got him to finally be honest about sleeping with her. I knew deep down but I had to hear him say it.

There have been no repercussions for him. At least he can be honest. None of our family knows. Everyone just thinks he was having an early "midlife crisis". Now he automatically gets defensive if I try to ask him questions about what led up to his affair.

I am just so sick of feeling unsure, hurt and confused about my marriage. I can see that he is trying to show me that he loves me, but I see his guilt and shame and it ruins it. I feel quilty for having feelings of contempt because what he does isn't exactly what I want him to do. Most days I just want to throw in the towell and move on. Has anyone on here still been so stagnant after almost two years and over came these feelings. I refuse to settle for coexisting.

I refuse to settle for coexisting.

there. I do believe him. He seems sincere about it. As far as exposing the affair I have been reluctant to do that because I don't want to have to walk around this small town we live in with everyone knowing.

A coworker of his once said to me that ,my husband is the most honest person he knows.

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

He has initiated the conversation of moving quit a few times. I work as a Registered Sleep Technologist and have a day position where I am. Only about 1% of the people in the field have that oportunity and I am very reluctant to give that up because he couldn't control himself.

I guess the hardest thing for me to get with the rebuilding process is the constant comparison to addicts. I never really looked at that way. I guess because I don't walk around and see other men that I have slept with before my husband and I were married and think "man I sure would like to get some more of that."

His family was very supportive to me when he first told me he wanted a divorce. I did call them out of knee jerk reaction. i don't know if he will agree tell his mom and step dad or not.

Has anyone on here still been so stagnant after almost two years and over came these feelings. I refuse to settle for coexisting.

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

Melody you are right we do not really have a plan for recovery. My H has started coming home for lunch if I am here and calls and lets me know if he has to leave work to go to another location and then when he leaves to go back to his home office. That gets a little old to me sometimes. As far as building a romantic relantionship my head was spinning after reading that again. The 15 hrs of undivided attention each week. "WOW" We may get 30 min most days. We have four children at home now. Two that are ours and two of our nephews. H did get a bottle of wine for us and build a fire outside after all the kids were in bed. I think were both to tired to really enjoy it.

We are going to see H's parents in a couple of weeks and I think that will be a good time for him to come clean to them about the affair. That way he can get the full effect.