The WS WILL enjoy it. At first. "Yippee I can see OW with no interference!"

But the thing is, he is getting needs met by YOU and HER.

When you take YOU out of the equation..

SHE has to meet all his needs. And since she is a piece of cheating, no good trash, she obviously can't do that.

Plan B is also good for preserving your love for him. It keeps you away from all of the drama.

Plan B would help you regain your mental health and be a more stable force for your son. Perhaps it's not about saving the marriage at this point but rather finding a way to heal and form a new family system for you and your son?

It could be that your WH will wake up when he sees that you're really pulling away but if he doesn't at least YOU get the opportunity to heal.

Also, if it were me, I'd be looking into another kind of work so that I could be home more with my child. He needs stability and you're probably the ony sane adult around right now.

How are you going to keep your son away from OW when your job requires so much travel? even if the law says your son can't be with OW until the divorce is final, what are you going to do about it if you're half way across the world? I would be looking into changing that and being more available at home.

Your journey has certainly been a difficult one and your WH just might be a serial cheater. Who knows what else he's been doing all these years when you were gone? Start focusing on ways to protect yourself, your health and your child. That's where I'd be putting the focus.

The MAIN reason you enter Plan B is to remove yourself from the drama of affairland. You need that.

Also, when you are not traveling, how do you and your WH share custody?

Do you work shift work?

Then he is already gone. Plan B...spare yourself as much further hurt as possible. Plan B is for you, not your WH. You WILL feel better and your son needs you to be the sane one.

Changing the work situation will also need to happen if you are to recover the marriage. You simply can't heal this thing (if given the chance) when you're gone for such long periods of time.

Your job situation will certainly be a factor if there's a divorce and you start dating again at some point.

Also, can it affect you legally in terms of custody? Can your WH make a case that he has been the primary caregiver due to your job?

I have a feeling you're not going to like the advice about changing your job but it seems like a factor in all of the troubles you're dealing with (with the exception of the great paycheck...something that trips a lot of us up in our attempts to recover...whether recovery means a healed marriage or a healed you and son post-divorce).

Thanks Karma,

I so want to believe you. I just keep thinking about what needs she can't meet. Obviously I wasn't meeting his needs before the A otherwise it would never have happened (my belief). So, to me it seems reasonable that he is getting all his needs met now by OW.
I keep thinking that because OW already D her H to be with my WH that there is no way my H will change his mind.
A vicious cycle that plays through my head daily. I want to believe, but doesn't seem realistic considering circumstances. I so want my family back.

First, no amount of EN meeting ensures no A, if weak boundaries are in the mix.

Second, have you heard of the 80/20 rule?

Also, OW may have D'd her BH, but that doesn't mean a whole hill of beans for their affair to thrive. Most affairs do end before marriage. Even the ones that last long enough to get down the aisle, manage to tank themselves.

Affairs are based on selfish and deceitful people tearing apart families.

You were meeting his needs.

This A is NOT YOUR FAULT.

If someone wanted to be a wayward [censored] then they would do it whether or not their spouse met their needs.

Thank you all for your input.

We'll start with my job. Right now I do some shift work. The travel component is only an issue until July. After that I'll have a normal M-F 9-5 job. In July, I may actually have to transfer but will not have to travel. Since September I have done no traveling and won't again until Feb 2012. Any time that I have odd hours, S stays with family or friends. Only happens about once every couple of weeks though. I will do anything, including changing jobs to be with my S. I just feel if I can make it to July, I'll be home free.

Okay, custody. There is no formal agreement. H has only asked to have DS for a couple hours at a time for dinner and movie/shopping every couple of weeks. For the most part, I've accommodated him unless DS has too much HW or other scheduled events. I'm worried about Feb 2012 though. I don't know what my plan is other than maybe to accept the inevitable. Many things can change between now and then so I have faith in God. It's the best I can do for now.

You should document all time that your WH spends with his son. This can very much help you in custody.

Sounds to me from what you've described that the affair is already under pressure. Watching and waiting for it to blow up is going to eat away at your strength. The gift of plan b is that you remove yourself totally from the whole thing. Let the affair play out. The OW already said something to you about it probably not lasting.

Like Karma said and everyone else here will tell you, the A is NOT your fault! It sounds like you've done a ton to accommodate your husband over the years. It's totally demoralizing to have a spouse threaten divorce at every turn. Maybe he went into the marriage with a renter mentality?

Good news on the job shifts. Disengage from his drama. Scotland is a plan b expert and if you read her thread you will see a profound healing journey unfolding over time.

And you are all right. Staying away from drama of the A has helped me be there more for my son. It stops the radical mood swings about the "What ifs".

I still can't help the pit in the stomach feeling EVERY time I talk, see or hear from my H. So no contact=life is better. Except the hurt that continues because I want my family back together again.

Thank you for this compliment Zib. Progress not perfection.

I am taking off for New Year's celebrations, and most likely will not be able to be on(family time and all that ) so I suggest you read up all that you can on Plan B

With time in Plan B, you will feel better everyday. Believe me. I have walked the walk.

Thanks for all your support. It's why I finally found the strength to stop lurking and start posting. I knew you guys would be awesome. I'm off to some friends for NY eve. I'll catch up later. Wishing you all the best for a Happy New Year. May God be there to continue to give us all strength.

I can't help the way that I feel. I want my family back but, part of me wants my H to suffer so he knows the agony I feel. His selfish attitude and the impact it has on my family is destroying me. I know I should be strong. Where do I get THAT strength?

We had a disagreement today about money. He is backtracking on promises he made and then lying saying he never said that.

Is it wrong to try to expose to his boss, he works for the military (he's retired military) and her work (she is a nurse) at a hospital. Or at this point (it's been 8 months) would it be considered vindictive?

Tonight was a very bad night. I had been doing so well staying out of the drama but for some reason I got sucked in today. I have been avoiding contact with my husband because I can't control my hurt. Today I broke that contact. It started this morning.
Approximately two weeks ago, husband rented out our other home. I had initially asked for all the rent money. He refused. If I didn't allow him to lease the home then he would have to continue to pay the mortgage in the same amount of the rent.
Everything has been about power. I admit that it's both ways. My hurt has caused me to lash out on a few occasions.
Anyway this morning I called to find out what he was going to pay me as my share. The conversation inevitably ended up arguing about his A. I told him about the devastation and hurt he was causing both DS and I. He continues to tell me to move on. "IDLY" The hurt it causes me is overwhelming. I want to strike back. Thus the post above.
I called back again in the afternoon. More arguing. Over an hour. I get frustrated because he interrupts me, is overbearing and I just want to be heard. I know it's not what I should do. After several hang ups and call backs he refused to take my call. I told him that I was coming over to OW house (where he lives). I know now a big mistake.
I honestly thought that we could sit down and have a conversation since OW and kids would be there and we would both be on best behavior. IF ONLY....

When I arrived he was already outside. I walked up to door with DS. I asked if we could come in. It was chilly outside and neither DS or I had on anything but sweatshirts. H said no. It caused me to lose it. I walked son to car and grabbed a screwdriver. I planned to take the license plates off of H car. The vehicle is registered in my name.

OW comes out and starts questioning my actions. I said I wanted to talk and started to move to the front door. She felt that I got to close and put her hand out and pushed me. H grabbed me also. I put my hands up. Small skirmish that leads to us on the floor in the front foyer. She yells to her sons to call the cops. But my son sees all and comes running from car in tears.

I said I was leaving. Of course it was all my fault. (sarcasm). "I was breaking in the house". H points out what I"m doing to son. After I calm son I send him to car. We start a conversation on the front porch.

I'm not sure why I bother. I can't be heard. She mocks me, my H is a jerk I WANT TO BE HEARD. This goes on for half hour. I was trying to discuss rental, visitation and other stuff. I get so frustrated that I end up ripping the plates off the vehicle.

He threatens lawyer action, and is just a a$$. He makes me feel like all this is my fault and his anger is overwhelming.

PLEASE HELP ME!!!!

I always hoped that his A would fail and that there would be a chance. He says not ever in this lifetime. After nights like these I absolutely feel like it is over and it puts me a lot of despair. I know I should only concentrate on what I can control. But the thought of losing everything that is important at times seems more of a burden than I can bear. I'm sick, can't sleep and am just miserable. It's been 8 months, why is this so hard?

what plan are you in again?