Melody, I honestly don't believe my view of trust was cute or empty. We didn't go to parties alone. This was poker night and I always went with him and visited with my friend (his wife) while our kids played. I stayed home because our youngest was sick.

I have his number. My friend gave it to me. The &@$& has hit the fan and people are calling others. It's a train wreck feeding frenzy so I need to call him before someone else let's her know. Why does it seem people get almost a weird enjoyment of others misery.

He's willing to take a polygraph but I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to have criminal tools to verify. I'll be single before that. I have no desire to look through his phone or check up on him. Does that mean I don't love or care about him like I thought I did? That Dr. Hartely thing that was posted is so different than my thinking has been.

Thank you. I checked it out. I took my kids up to the cabin. I have an appt for STD tests on Wed. I have an appt with an attorney on Thurs. I may not file but I want to know what I'm looking at. He's offering to do a post nup giving me everything but I don't think that's fair regardless of this. He's worked hard to provide a good living for us and I do well too. California is no fault anyway.

He is devastated and our friends are disgusted. He told his parents and his brother.

It's so strange because it's almost like I forget and then it hits me and I remember. I woke up today and seriously thought he had gotten up to make coffee. He txted me that he's driving up today whether I want him to or not. He has to spend New Year's Eve with me and the kids. My first thought was that he didn't think about me when he cheated why would he respect my request to leave me alone, but this is his cabin too and I'd never keep him away from the kids. He's a great father.

The other woman's husband called me again last night and said he's going to try to fix their marriage and to call him if she contacts him again and he'll do the same. He now thinks she pursued him. She pursued everyone. I saw it as did all our friends. She was tolerated. Not anymore.

Oh well. This site is very helpful and I'm reading the articles. Still not sure about all I've read but keeping an open mind. Thank you all again for your thoughts.

.HIV is sex months.

As weird as this sounds, and I even hate to admit it right now, I want him sexually in a very big way. I even txted him that. He responded that he was crying and trying not to speed at the same time. I laughed out loud for the first time in 3 days. I think I am probably a bit crazy.

I don't want to talk about it. I don't need to hear the apologies and can see at a physical level what this has done to him. I know I may get some feedback that I'm being a sucker...which I'm ok with. I actually trust him and feel ready to put this behind us.

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

Have you spoken with OW's husband? Have you spoken with your married friends to warn them that she has no problem climbing on top of a married man?

The strange thing is it's not the physical thoughts that get me it's the betrayal of our vows and the disrespect that shows. Is that strange? My friends keep saying they can't believe he touched, was with her and how that must drive me crazy. It honestly doesn't, at least not at this time. I know how little sex can sometimes mean. It's the huge breach of betrayal that is impacting me..

He's changed his number, made an appointment with a MC,

Hi, like Melody said, did all that. The strange thing is he doesn't have boundary issues with women. I know that sounds stupid as I'm here so obviously something wasn't working, but there is nothing in our past, and I've known him over 15 years that ever even hinted of that.

With this it was the huge change in his behavior, keeping his phone with him and seeming preoccupied/worried about something. Usually he's relaxed, and left his phone everywhere. We both did/do.

It's funny. I was thinking how different things are viewed as far as negative actions. Like one fly in a bowl of soup ruins the bowl of soup but the opposite doesn't happen. One drop of good soup doesn't fix a bowl of flies.

I'm wondering if making a generalized statement of poor boundaries based on this isn't doing the same thing.