Take ownership of your life for once AZ. I wish you the best once you take that responsibility and stop blaming him, us, OM, whatever else you think might let you off the hook for your unhappiness.

Only a morally bankrupt person would "rejoice" in someone else's fall - especially someone she professes to have once loved.

You are foggy and still unable to do work to recover yourself. The light of honesty is bright and will cause some people to scurry back into darkness. I see that here.

I only just saw this thread, and I know my response isn't timely, but I just couldn't let this slide without responding.

strugglin ~ you continue to disappoint me for YOU and most especially and importantly, for your PRECIOUS DAUGHTERS.

I pray that someday you will be able to see just how shocking and wrong your behavior has been and apparently continues to be.

I pray for your sweet little girls -- you have no idea of the moral confusion your choices are creating for them -- and just how dire the consequences of that will be for them -- and not just for them, but for their children and their children's children -- strugglin, the sick and sad adultery cycle will continue to repeat until someone, somewhere down the line chooses to STOP IT -- It was my genuine desire that YOU would step up and STOP IT...It breaks my heart that you aren't choosing to -- You just really have no idea, and watching you is like watching someone who is blindfolded dive into a swimming pool that you can clearly see has no water in it -- it's so very tragic.

Now, as for IS -- as all here have already told you, dating while married is NOT condoned here -- not at all. I, however, am speaking to YOU and not to IS. Just as I tell our dd12 -- "I am not concerned with the behavior of "everybody", I am concerned with YOUR behavior, and THAT is what I am addressing". I am going to post some things about IS, but only to highlight the difference between your choices, and how those pertain to YOU.

So, with that out of the way...

First, let's be clear since you did wish to compare your own behavior with that of IS -- I believe you even called your choices "the same". Um no.

I don't believe there was any lying, deceit, hiding or sneaking involved in IS' choices. Yours, however, included all of those things, and YES, those things DO make your actions DIFFERENT.

Here's a Venn Diagram to further illustrate what I'm saying, strugglin: Only where the circles overlap do your choices have anything in common.



Also, I want you to think long and hard about this: While it's true that each of us are responsible for our own actions, IS' actions do pass the "but for test", meaning: "BUT FOR YOUR ADULTERY, HIS WOULD NOT HAVE OCCURRED." I hope that weighs heavily on your conscience.

I am still hopeful that you will wake up and change -- for the sake of your children, and also for your own sake.

Mrs. W

Mrs. W!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is our POD (post of the day)

Nice job, Mrs. W.

This is by far one of the best posts I've seen in a long time!!!

"strugglin, the sick and sad adultery cycle will continue to repeat until someone, somewhere down the line chooses to STOP IT -- It was my genuine desire that YOU would step up and STOP IT...It breaks my heart that you aren't choosing to -- You just really have no idea, and watching you is like watching someone who is blindfolded dive into a swimming pool that you can clearly see has no water in it -- it's so very tragic."

Mrs. W, what are you referring to as "IT"? How do I have no idea? What is the adultery cycle that continues?

The fact that you seem to feel justified in what you've done now because "HE DID IT TOO!!!"

Proverbs 24:17-18

17 DO NOT GLOAT when your enemy falls or when your enemy stumbles, do NOT let your heart rejoice,18 or the lord will see and disapprove and turn his wrath away from them.

MNG

I don't recall me EVER saying that I felt justified in my actions because he did it. I have never denied what I did, and have taken full responsibility for what has come about because of it.

Here's a quote that I think is appropriate here..."Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future." - Oscar Wilde
My point being this...yes I sinned. Yes I did a horrible thing. Yes my husband and I got divorced because of it. However, does that mean that I am like the scarlett letter and will never be able to lead a normal life or eventually have a happy marriage or that my children's lives are forever doomed because of it. I think that is despicable that you all elude to that fact.

In order to build a better life, make better choices.

You are incorrect.
You are not listening to the message.

I've been hoping to see a softer, more tender side of you.
A humble heart.
Some wisdom gleaned after all this pain and suffering.

Show us your better side.

SIA,

Do you think you would be honest with future partners/spouses about why and how your marriage ended? In some ways that is one of the more subtle consequences of cheating in that it reduces your resale value so to speak.

God Bless
Gamma

How?

I don't know that you've come out and said it, but I do believe you are justifying your actions to yourself.

What has 'come about because of it' and what have you done in the way of taking 'full responsibility'?

I was under the impression that you are still with OM -- am I incorrect, strugglin? So in that particular post "IT" was referring to the affair, not just the affair though, but also the destruction of your family -- I would love to see that STOP.

Even if you are no longer seeing OM, your daughters' family has been destroyed because of adultery. Do you understand that oft used phrase "children are resilient" when it comes to divorce is total hogwash? Do you get that your divorce will impact your daughters for the rest of their lives? Do you understand the circumstances that ended your marriage [adultery] greatly increases the odds that one of them will repeat the cycle that you either began or continued? As odd as it may seem to you, that is what happens in families where adultery has occurred -- much in the way that teen/unwed pregnancies repeat in families until someone breaks the cycle. There are lessons learned by children that we don't realize -- they watch everything -- hear everything -- they are sponges -- they learn and form opinions about life from stuff that we, nor they are even conscious of, but the patterns later down the line tell the tale.

strugglin, like Pep said -- a humble heart is what it will take to try and undo some of the damage your choices have caused. In my opinion the best case scenario would be for you to adopt said humble heart and use it to do everything in your power to win back your husband and restore your family. But if you don't choose that, your daughters still need to see a remorseful and repentant mother -- the importance of a humble heart can't be stressed enough.

Now, you talked about going on to lead a happy life -- one that includes remarriage. I will share my beliefs about wayward spouses and remarriage with you if you'd like. I'll let you know upfront, I am a Christian, so that is my worldview. But my beliefs aside, have you looked at the stats about remarriage? Second marriages that include blended families have an 85% failure rate. Those are some scary odds, don't ya think?

strugglin, what's your plan from here on out? Stick around and talk to us.

Mrs. W

strugglin' -- the post above sure does have a ring of justification to it...

You know, as in: "Just look at what "Mr. Perfect" has done -- What I did must not be so bad if *he* went out and did it too! AH HA!!! YAY -- THIS MEANS VINDICATION FOR ME!!!"

I know you've heard the familiar phrase, "Actions speak louder than words."

See, I would expect someone who said:


to be deeply sorrowful about being the catalyst to their husband's choice to date while still married.

Personally, I know that I would be grieving about the part I played in that if I were you.

The fact that you aren't grieving tells the real story, strugglin' -- the fact that you came here seemingly all giddy about reporting I_S...

Well, that right there tells us that you have NOT "taken full responsibility for what has come about because of it".

You can see that, yes?

Mrs. W

P.S. You sound resentful of being called an "adulterer". Why? Isn't that the truth?

There are some great resources here on this site for building your future life. Some wonderful articles which I suggest you read.

Here is one of them:

Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn