My kids' dad and I divorced after 23 years. We both remarried 1-2 years later. (He seems to be suffering in his, he didn't get to know her beforehand very well.) I remarried and was extremely happy until he suddenly died. I was in shock, grieving, upset, frantic, scared, lonely and not in my right mind. 1 1/2 years later I remarried. BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE! You can read in my earlier posts what happened, he turned out to be a con man that cheated on me and ruined me financially. My house would be paid off within six months if not for him, instead, I will be foreclosed on within months and lose what I've worked for all of my life.

Still, I'm a slow learner. I fell in love once more and got my heart broke again. Okay, I may be slow, but I'm not entirely stupid, I do learn eventually. I don't even date any more and have no interest in doing so. I'm 59 years old. I have a friend who got married in her mid 80s and they are both so happy together. If God wants to bring someone wonderful into my life when I'm in my mid 80s, that's cool too. Until then, I can wait. I have friends, I have my dog, I have my church, and I still have a one-day a week job (I'm looking for more). I'm cool with all that. I don't need a man to complete me. I'm not vulnerable like I was when my husband died. And I have no desire to make any more mistakes. My family thanks me for that too.

I just can't wrap my mind around this concept of dating so many people. I do believe you should look around at the big world and all the different types of people and relationships and figure out what YOU (collective) want.

There has to be a balance between the frantic rebound (of which I myself fell victim to) and dating 30 men for 4-5 years. To me the key was to get a grip on my emotions and calm down. I got my top ten list out (one I had made about ten years earlier) and prayed really hard to focus on not accepting anything less in anyone ever again. I typed up that list and gave it to my dh on our wedding day and told him he meets every single thing on my list. And yes, we had a very fast dating/engagement but I was intently studying him and his history to see if he was worthy of my standards.

I was 45 though. Dh and I both had enough history of a lifestyle behind us for each of us to verify the character of the other. It would take longer for a 25 year old with less life experience....but I think most of us on this forum are not 25 year olds.

Could not have said it better myself Milkshake.....

Good advice. I'm telling myself on a daily basis that I'm writing this possible relationship off. lol And possibly any others that may pop up. This crap is for the birds.

My question is, how did you keep yourself from being needy and depressed? Valentine's Day is coming up and I find myself sad. It never meant much in my marriage anyway so I don't get why I feel this way. I love my single life but I can't get over feeling sorry for myself. (That's embarrassing to say I tell you!)

Filling in one of those etc. - I think the thought of having 'someone' makes me feel better about myself. How CRAZY is that?

Yeah, being left in a place where I don't know what the future holds is the scariest thing imaginable.

If I haven't told all of you before, you people are so wonderful to talk to! Ya'll have helped so much. I honestly thought I could just go on with my life and be totally happy with the NEW LIFE because I was done so wrong in my married life. I wish there was a divorce support group around this area.

I understand. V-Day wasn't much in my marriage either. But this is going to be the first one since the divorce was final and I'm pretty bummed about it. Fortunately, I know what I'm going to do that day. V-Day is on a Tuesday this year, and that's the night my divorce group meets. I'm going to take roses for all the ladies and box of chocolates to share.

I think the reason I feel sad is I'm hoping (trying not to) that this person (I'm telling myself to WRITE IT OFF as I type) will at least call or text or something for VD. And if he doesn't .... more depression.

I am doing better with this. We have joked back and forth on FB (publically) and he likes most everything I put on there. I think he's telling me he's there but he's busy? But no real contact for over a week. I just wish I didn't feel like I was being rejected and I wish I didn't have hope you know? I keep telling myself that it's possible in the future but neither of us are ready now. I'm just tired of trying to figure it all out.

How do you make yourself NOT feel rejected? Or like an idiot for wanting something you probably can't have? Do these feelings have to do with the emotional abuse I sustained while married? I mean, I 'think' I am attractive. Not gorgeous by any means but certainly not ugly. I'm a good size so I'm not overweight. I dress nicely. I look my best in public (at home I do shorts/jogging pants and a t-shirt), I don't drink, smoke, etc. I am fairly well in shape. I can be funny. It has taken my a while to get my funny back on but I'm getting there. Why do I feel that I'm not good enough? Why do I feel UNATTRACTIVE when around other people?

I remember when I was married my ex would want me to go to a meeting or function with him and I was shocked that he wanted to be seen with me. He never told me in words that I wasn't good enough or that I wasn't pretty but he never flattered me unless he was doing something he shouldn't have. I can't explain how he made me feel like crap or not good enough but he did.

OK, assess my situation.

I think first of all you need to realize that feeling needy and depressed is normal. You are going through the grieving process and you are going to feel rotten for a while.

Things that helped me included:
1. Exercise and lots of it. And make sure it is vigourous exercise.
2. Fresh air and sunshine. Go for walks.
3. Eat healthy. (That part was the hardest for me because I had no appetite).
4. Make small goals. Paint a room, clean a closet, have a garage sale, etc.
5. Start a new hobby or pursue an interest. (I coached my son's youth football team for 4 years and loved it.)
6. Do things to simplify your life.
7. Do things (on your own), that you would have done with your X. Go to a movie, dinner, etc. It is hard at first but then it becomes very easy.

Oh, I also learned that Valentines Day is just another day. It bothered me for a couple of years but I don't think about it anymore.

Keith

Prissanna, I totally understand what you are going through. You are second guessing your 'worthiness' because of the 'rejection' you have gone through. You think you are a good person, attractive, have many good qualities to bring to the table, yet you are where you are in life right now, a place you never imagined yourself in. Actually your being an attractive, caring, loving, and smart lady may make you feel even more confused and depressed because you feel your ex rejected DESPITE these qualities, so it must have been really bad to be with you or something? You might not be feeling that way, don't go there, but that's how I feel.

My therapist told my XH when we were going through divorce that XH should not date anyone after our divorce for at least 5 years, as he was not capable of making any woman happy (he could not make himself happy!) and any relationships he may get would be guaranteed to fail. Those were the therapist's exact words! And he was right! So in essence, it really didn't matter whether my ex met a gorgeous model or Mother Theresa during that time, it would not have worked out. Because HE had issues and wasn't ready for any serious relationships.

Don't go there, Prissanna, YOU are a desirable lady for men and a great friend to others, but that wasn't the issue. Do not let your bitter experience make you feel you are not good enough. You are GOOD. People love you. When you truly get to a place where you do not care about your XH, you stop feeling this way.

Hugs,
Milkshake

Thanks! I don't like feeling normal then.

I try to keep myself busy. Especially when the kids are with the ex. I wasn't struggling with this crap too bad until this person came into my life. I would feel sorry for myself only when out and about at church and stuff. Now it's a constant reminder that I am truly alone. Is that crazy talk? lol

Another thing that I've just realized is that of the men I know that are available, there aren't many that I would consider. I'm not crazy enough to look for a perfect man but I do know kinda what I would be interested in. It kinda seems hopeless you know?

Thanks Milkshake! All that you said makes sense. I know it's just me and it's probably just a stage but it sucks!

Just for the record, I have NO feelings for my ex. Well, I feel sorry for him because he could be SO much and he doesn't even want to try. Other than that, I don't have any sentimental feelings or feelings of love whatsoever. I know I'm probably odd, but he really did a number on me and the love was gone long before I filed for divorce.

Nah, there are plenty of nice men out there. It could be that the right one just isn't ready yet. You'll meet him when it's time.

Right now, while you're feeling needy, you would be more likely to choose badly because you want to be with someone. Once you start to feel better about yourself, you won't be willing to compromise just to avoid loneliness. In time you will find the right man. He's worth waiting for....just like you are.

And if it helps, I know too many people who have gone through a second divorce because they married the person who should have been a short-term, rebound relationship.

There's a video clip on Youtube that you need to see. Let me go look for it....

Maybe you need to change the circles you are a part of.

Here it is!

[/quote]

Kirby that was awesome

Prisanna, there are a bunch of articles by Dr. Harley for singles on preparing for marriage, etc., that may address some of your concerns:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5510_qa.html

You can also give him a call on his radio show, and I highly recommend it! Dr. Harley and Joyce used to run a dating service, actually.

Not part of any circles really. Mainly work and go to church. I meet and know plenty of people I think. I just can't see myself getting 'out there' trying to find someone. Heck, I don't even know for a fact that I want to find someone. I would really just like a friendship with a pal of the opposite sex. If it progresses into something else ...

Amen! I will watch that again and again!

Thanks for the articles as well. I seriously need something to let me know which feelings are normal and which ones are not.

Kirby, I like that you're bringing roses and chocolates on Valentine's day. It helps to get out of yourself and think of others, that's inspirational to us!

There's nothing wrong with putting relationship-looking on hold and just be friends with guys for a while. It could be that something will naturally develop in the meantime but if it doesn't you haven't lost anything, you've developed some good friends!

I love reading all these posts, they let meknow i am not alone. I will admit as i have grown in my faith, the love for my wife has grown, unfortunately she says she doesnt want to be with me anymore. We have a 2 year old and thats what hurts the most, she thinks he will be ok. I am 43 and waited this long to have a child and after 18 months he didnt have a chance. Dr harley thinks we will reconcile and i have remained faithful for 15 months. I really dont want our son go through what i had to with step parents. I recall alot of pain. And we will have to see each other for the next 15 years because i will not fail in my responsibility to be the father i am called to be.
Thank you all for sharing

Blessings